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NBR: Okay girls, I'm at a loss.
I need help/advice/direction. To keep this from getting really long, I'll get right to it. DH and I have the same BlackBerry. I picked up his by mistake. While checking texts, which I thought was from my phone, I found 10 text messages over a period of two weeks from DH to another woman. It was obvious that these were not the only and ever texts from him to her. They ranged from very sexually graphic to "he needs a drink since he's been at home all day with a sick wife and kid". The most graphic sexually explict message was last week during our "date day". Very upsetting. We have a great marriage, no issues ( I thought). I can't even look at him, I'm fuming, and don't know where to even begin with him w/o beginning with a punch in the face and a kick to his balls. The sad part, this is not the first time. This has happened before when I was pregnant with dd.
Do I wait for more evidence/texts? Own up to my snooping and go from there? I just don't know. I'll most likely dd later.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NBR: Okay girls, I'm at a loss.
Oh, no.
My stomach hurts for you- that would REALLY upset me as well. Without knowing you and your husband and how you typically communicate, I can say if it were my husband, we'd be talking about it NOW. No way could I keep something like that inside, and I think you have all the "evidence" you need- he's behaving inappropriately and something has to change.
If you don't feel like you can talk to him, maybe get an appointment set up with a couples counselor and go from there? I'm sure someone here would have a rec.
I'm sorry. What a shiitty thing to have to find.
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
All of this.
I'm so sorry.
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home D
Rosie that was my first thought/reaction. We can and do communicate, but what I want to say and do to him right now would not be productive. I know he's been texting her today as I was able to get a sneak peak at his phone when he was in the bathroom. I just didn't have time to read them. I just can't believe we're doing this *** again. Seriously what is wrong with him?! I'm defintely going to talk to him, but I've got to have a plan of what to do...
I'll second the motion.
I don't think hard proof or any more evidence is needed; you aren't building a case. You already have enough information to know that everything is not okay. If it were me, I would put physical distance between us- either by staying somewhere else or having him stay elsewhere, but that's just me. After that, counseling. If there was an issue before, it's obvious there's a more deep-seeded problem that needs to be addressed. I don't think whatever method you used before was effective and another route should be attempted. Whether its him going y himself for awhile, or whatever, he needs to figure out what needs to be done.
My heart hurts for and with you. Please let me know if there's anything I can do.
OMG, I'm not sure I know what to say. First of all, I am so sorry. This is horrible. <hugs> Secondly, I don't know exactly what I would do either. I don't know enough about your DH and relationship to offer the best advice. As you know, I am no longer married. I was however married to guy that I would not have felt safe or comfortable bringing this up. He would have gone beserk. It would have turned into an shouting match and accusation of how horrible I am for snooping. For me, this type of activity would have been an end to our marriage. I would have left a note on the door and not come home. Now, married to a different guy, perhaps I would be willing to discuss the issue. There is no way I would just ignore it though. I would have to bring up and work on it -or- bring it up and leave.
I am so so sorry you are having to go through this. I would not wait for any more of this BS to go on. It sounds like it has gone on far too long already. Own up to the snooping and confront him. Do you know this woman? Do you think he has gone any further than the texts?
I'm so sorry. That's a crappy thing to have to deal with.
I agree with everyone else about talking to him now. Sounds like you have all the evidence you need; now he has some 'splaining to do.
I think it's also important for you to sit down and think about what you really want right now. Where did you two leave things the last time this happened? Has your DH lived up to the expectations you jointly set then? (He obviously hasn't with regard to the text messages you found, but has he otherwise?) Do you want to deal with this again?
You probably don't have the answer to that last one right now, but I think it would be worth thinking about while you prepare to talk with your DH.
(((hugs)))! You don't deserve to have to do this.
Is there anything you can do to clear your head? Maybe write an incredibly long letter (via Word w/out saving) walk away, and then come back to re-evaluate and process after a walk? I'm sure there is a ton of information for you to filter and process in your head.
I was in the same situation at the beginning of the year. I didn't tell him at first but started 'snooping' a little. He left a few times in the middle of the night and I was like WTF...
Well, I set his phone to save all outgoing and incoming messages (which he didn't have) and checked it a few days later. I found A LOT of graphic messages and things like "I loved laying in your arms last night" from him to her and "I really miss and love you" from her to him.
I FLIPPED out! Then he heard me (on the floor crying in the bathroom like a fool) and he confessed to getting sexual favors from this girl...never any further but nonetheless, he did.
I don't want to get into it any more (sorry, still getting over it and working it out with him)
YOU need to figure out whats going on girl. Get him to tell you. I can tell you, it will be the hardest thing you will go through (it was for me...2 months before our wedding!)
My stomach is turning just thinking about what you are going through. I am very sorry. Know, if you need anyone to talk to that has been in the same situation, please feel free to get ahold of me. sejabernathy at yahoo dot com
God Bless!
While I don't think you need more evidence, I would get what you can. Forward the texts to your phone so you will have a copy of it. Write down her number. I don't know your DH at all, but if he's going to try to talk his way out of it or act like it's not a big deal, you want facts you can refer back to when the emotions start to get in the way.
I am so sorry. I would have to wait to talk to him, too. Figure out how you feel, get whatever info you are comfortable with, and then confront him about it.
I've met her once.
I'm going for a walk this afternoon with my neighbor to clear my head. My gut reaction is to give him an ultimatum, stop texting/talking/etc to her, agree to counseling and allow me to see his incoming/outgoing texts. They are on the Board of an organization which he's very involved in, so possibly even asking for him to resign from the Board.
To my knowledge it's only texting. I don't have any evidence that it's gone further.
I would definitely sit down and write some things out. ex-H and I went through 9 months of marriage counseling before I made my final decision to end the marriage. Writing down what I needed to say always helped. I would get so emotional and angry, I would forget what I wanted to say. By writing it down, I was able to get my thoughts focused and not lose sight of everything when I would get upset. After thinking more about this, I think my approach would be to write down exactly what I wanted to say. Then I would take my paper, tell DH to sit his a$$ down, shut up and listen. At that point I would lay it all out there. You also want to think about what you what from him too. I can almost hear him either denying it or saying "well baby, what do you want me to do to make it better." Be ready for that. What do you need him to do?
I would also try to get copies of the texts forwarded to my phone.
I am so sorry. Please let me know if you need anything. <hugs>
Ditto this. The only reason I would wait to confront him is to have a moment to settle myself to see what is is I want. It would probably involve having a bag packed for him. I just don't think I could handle having him around at first, especially not when looking at him would make me feel like throwing up. Do you have family in town? Maybe you could take DD and go stay with them for a couple of days to show him that you're serious?
I'm so incredibly sorry. It takes so much time to come back from a breech in trust, only to have it broken again. My thoughts are with you.
I am so sorry that this happened. What a crappy way to find out about it too. I would definitely talk to him first thing. I wouldn't care about snooping at all. He's the one that should feel bad, not you...about anything! It's obvious that he has a problem since this is not the first time it has happened. Was there actual cheating going on with the first time, or do you expect physical cheating now? I know that it doesn't make it much easier either way now, but will probably make a HUGE difference in the type of conversation you will need to have.
I'm so very sorry for what you are going through right now.
I am so sorry. Does your insurance have an Employee Assistance Hotline you could call until you figure out your next step?
Try to be calm. I lost my mind when I found out about my STBXH affair and acted like a complete lunatic. Looking back I regret how quickly I reacted to the situation and realize now it only fueled the fire. This definitely has to be addressed and confronted but from someone who has "been there", approach it calmly unless this behavior is a firm deal breaker for you.
Big hugs for you.
Ditto. But HE needs to find a place to stay for a couple days. I think the message is important. He needs to be put out of the situation while you figure out how you want to handle it. I think it would send a message to my DH if he was sent away from out family and our home because of his actions.
I forwarded the texts from Dec 23rd and yesterday to me at 3 AM this morning when I couldn't sleep. The texts today I'll have to look at tonight.
For the most part that texts are random chatting....what's up? what are you doing? I need a drink.....but the graphic ones, are graphic. We both have guy/girl friends I could never imagine asking my guy friends to tell me details about what they like/prefer sexually and how. I mean REALLY?! Why does he care?
If I can contain my anger/frustration/emotions long enough to think this through, plan to have my parents pick up dd at 4 PM, I'm going to have him pack his bags and go stay at his sisters house.
I really just can't believe we're doing this AGAIN.
The last time he had no real explaniation or reason. He said he was bored and just started texting a woman friend of his and it just went from there. I just don't see how a "how are you doing" get so "what color are your underware today"?
I'm so sorry as well. I don't think you should feel bad at all about looking at his phone. I regularly look at my DH's phone to get a number or something... there is no reason I shouldn't look at his phone there is nothing we hide. He has the bad behavior here. Don't let him make you feel like you violated the trust. You didn't. He did. Plus if there is a history how dumb is he to go back to the same behavior?
As far as the text I think a lot for me would depend on how explicit. If it's flirtatious stuff that is at best trying to be overly friendly then I'd probably let it go. I think that's sometimes how we communicate. That being said flirtatious is more along the lines of that skirt looks great on you... not I want to take the skirt off and see what's underneath. If it was the latter I don't know that I would trust he didn't act on it.
I agree with everyone else though... kick him out a few days. Let him see exactly what he is going to lose and let him figure out how to get back in the house.
Married October 28, 2006, TTC since March 2009 IUI #1-8 w/ clomid = BFN
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Our Rainbow Baby is on the Way!
It honestly sounds to me like he has a problem. Those aren't bored texts, they're cheating texts, regardless of whether he actually followed through physically. I would never accept "I was bored" as defensible position.
I think your plan is a great one. Get him out. Show him there are consequences.
And always let us know if you need anything, even if it's just an inspirational picture.
...or video...
While I have no new advice, I wanted to give you <hugs> and say not to feel bad about snooping...you did find the texts originally by accident. I think taking the walk this afternoon will help you clear your mind. Also, the writing things down first to collect your thoughts is always good in my opinion.
I am sorry this is happening to you. Remember we are all here for you.
ugh! I'm so sorry you are going through this at all, let alone again.
I hope thinks work out whichever way is best.
we're all here for you!
This, good luck, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
Ditto this. I am so sorry you are having to go through this.
Honestly, I'd kick him in the balls first and then start asking questions. But first I'd do something w/ the texts so I have evidence and I'd find out what her name/info was and delete it off his phone.
I'm real mature.
Other than that, I am sorry you had to find that, that you have to deal with that. It is NOT cool at all for a man to do that and that's why I go with the kick in the balls option.
Ditto. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I hope everything works out for you - whichever way you want it to. We're here for you if you need us!!
Same as everyone else-- ?I say confront him today. ?Your plan sounds like a good one. ?I'm really sorry, and ((hugs)) from me too. ?
I'm so sorry. If he's cheated before, and you worked things out, only to have him cheat again (and to me, sexually graphic texts with another woman are cheating), could you trust him again? That's more for you to consider than answer here. I might be able to forgive and move on if DH cheated once. If he did it again, that would be the final straw for me, and I'd be out of there.
I'd gather as much evidence as possible and think long and hard about what you want BEFORE you confront him. The longer you keep your knowledge of this quiet, the more you can accomplish. Give it some thought and perhaps talk it through with trusted family or friends or even a counselor: do you want a divorce? do you want to stay married to him? if so, under what conditions?
If you are leaning towards a split, please consider talking to an attorney BEFORE you confront your husband. Once you suggest a separation, even temporary, the sh*t can hit the fan in a very bad way. You want to make sure that if you do suggest a separation and he freaks out that he can't take your child or clean out your bank accounts.
Again, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.
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