a lurker's thoughts on bedsharing.

lovesazzie · December 2009

Hi. I'm mostly a lurker on this board, but I agree with the philosophy of AP and practice those principles that I feel work best for our family.

I know that Dr Sears states that bedsharing is great when it is the WHOLE family. IMO, putting the hubs out on the couch or in another room is just asking for marriage trouble. Especially long term. AP is supposedly about balancing the needs of all the members of the family. It is supposed to be different from "traditional" parenting which is to have the parents needs above the children's. I feel like some women put the needs of the child above anyone else, instead of finding that balance. I think that it can alienate the husband and cause mega problems in the future. Perspective is important. Child will be there for 18 years then they are gone. Spouse is hopefully there forever. You must tend to that relationship too.

::gets off soapbox::

tak2002 · December 2009

The way I figure it...Henry is only 2 months old and needs me to feel secure and safe. I need to help him fall asleep as he is not very good at letting himself relax. My DH on the other hand knows how to fall asleep on his own and feels safe all by himself.

Henry and I have slept in his room (we have a full bed in there) on rough nights and it's perfectly fine with DH 'cause he gets more sleep!

DH and I still share the bed on most nights, just with a little addition (Henry).

lovesazzie · December 2009

I think it is great if everyone is together and happy with the arrangement. I'm talking about mom with baby, husband elsewhere (particularly couch) long term. I also realize there are those rough nights, although in our family, we both suffer those because I could NOT do them alone!

I want to add that what I'm getting at is that the family is the whole bunch, including the father. The needs of everyone in the family need to be balanced. The father can be very hurt if he is left out.

brideofaussie · December 2009

I agree which is why DS won't be sleeping in our bed much longer. I'm quite happy with the arrangement but DH doesn't sleep well w/ DS in teh bed b/c he doesn't have much room to move.

Jelliebean1982 · December 2009

Eh. DH and I sleep separately even when DD and I aren't cosleeping. He has major issues with snoring and acid reflux so he sleeps propped up on the couch each night. Our sex life is fine. We leave the kid at MIL's house once a week so we can go on dates. Our marriage isn't suffering because of it.

We're fine sleeping apart. At first it weirded me out (because sleeping with your DH is the "normal" thing to do) but then after I got over it we both ended up sleeping way better. Long term, I don't see anything changing. It works for us and I think that's the most important thing.

brideofaussie · December 2009

Jelliebean1982:

Eh. DH and I sleep separately even when DD and I aren't cosleeping. He has major issues with snoring and acid reflux so he sleeps propped up on the couch each night. Our sex life is fine. We leave the kid at MIL's house once a week so we can go on dates. Our marriage isn't suffering because of it.

We're fine sleeping apart. At first it weirded me out (because sleeping with your DH is the "normal" thing to do) but then after I got over it we both ended up sleeping way better. Long term, I don't see anything changing. It works for us and I think that's the most important thing.

Your situation is not what the OP is speaking of. What the rest of us are talking about is a situation in which one of the parties is unhappy.

If you are happiest sleeping apart then more power to you. That is not the case in our home.

Rachel2315 · December 2009

My grandparents have been sleeping apart for 30+ years.

They are one of the most in love couples I know. But my grandpa has sleep apnea and snored like a mofo, then had a CPAP that kept my grandma up. So they sleep in different rooms and it works for them. Honestly, when I say they are one of the most in love couples I know, I'm not even exaggerating. Its beautiful to watch.

And FWIW, when I was little I spent weeks in the summer with my grandparents and definitely walked in on them doing it one afternoon when I was supposed to be at their neighbors house playing with the neighbor girls.

DH sleeps in a different room if he feels like having a few beers before bed, even though DS sleeps (for the most part) in his own pack and play next to our bed. He snores and it bugs both of us.

There's lots of ways to remain a close couple while temporarily not sharing a bed.

cindy453 · December 2009

brideofaussie:
Jelliebean1982:

Eh. DH and I sleep separately even when DD and I aren't cosleeping. He has major issues with snoring and acid reflux so he sleeps propped up on the couch each night. Our sex life is fine. We leave the kid at MIL's house once a week so we can go on dates. Our marriage isn't suffering because of it.

We're fine sleeping apart. At first it weirded me out (because sleeping with your DH is the "normal" thing to do) but then after I got over it we both ended up sleeping way better. Long term, I don't see anything changing. It works for us and I think that's the most important thing.

Your situation is not what the OP is speaking of. What the rest of us are talking about is a situation in which one of the parties is unhappy.
If you are happiest sleeping apart then more power to you. That is not the case in our home.

actually the OP didn't say that... the OP said sleeping apart could CAUSE resentment, not that it was okay UNLESS there was resentment. Very different, IMO.

My H and I sleep apart for now, but not because we co-sleep. It's because Em is up every hour all night long, and this way we both get at least a little uninterrupted sleep. We pass her back and forth every 2ish hours- if we didn't we would both be up all night long. Now that could cause marriage problems! Right now we are operating under the "this too shall pass" philosophy. When she starts sleeping longer stretches at night then we will all sleep in the same room.

brideofaussie · December 2009

cindy453:
brideofaussie:
Jelliebean1982:

Eh. DH and I sleep separately even when DD and I aren't cosleeping. He has major issues with snoring and acid reflux so he sleeps propped up on the couch each night. Our sex life is fine. We leave the kid at MIL's house once a week so we can go on dates. Our marriage isn't suffering because of it.

We're fine sleeping apart. At first it weirded me out (because sleeping with your DH is the "normal" thing to do) but then after I got over it we both ended up sleeping way better. Long term, I don't see anything changing. It works for us and I think that's the most important thing.

Your situation is not what the OP is speaking of. What the rest of us are talking about is a situation in which one of the parties is unhappy.
If you are happiest sleeping apart then more power to you. That is not the case in our home.

actually the OP didn't say that... the OP said sleeping apart could CAUSE resentment, not that it was okay UNLESS there was resentment. Very different, IMO.

My H and I sleep apart for now, but not because we co-sleep. It's because Em is up every hour all night long, and this way we both get at least a little uninterrupted sleep. We pass her back and forth every 2ish hours- if we didn't we would both be up all night long. Now that could cause marriage problems! Right now we are operating under the "this too shall pass" philosophy. When she starts sleeping longer stretches at night then we will all sleep in the same room.

The point is that everyone is happy with their arrangment so clearly their situation has balance. You lose balance when someone is unhappy long term. I think that is what we all want to avoid.

AzaleaM · December 2009

Like you say, it's about what works best for your family.

DH and I have not slept in the same bed for an entire night since DD was just a few days old, so 2.5 years here. Yep, our friends/family think it's a bit odd, but for us, location is about everyone getting a good night's rest. Once I'm sleeping, I'm sleeping, and that's that. We try to make time for each other before we drift off to sleep.

Yes, balance is important, and it can be easy to lose sight of that. Do I sometimes put my babies first in our family? Yep. And I believe that there are times when doing so is appropriate. That can admittedly be a challenge in our relationship, but we work to make up for it.

brideofaussie · December 2009

Rachel2315:

My grandparents have been sleeping apart for 30+ years.

They are one of the most in love couples I know. But my grandpa has sleep apnea and snored like a mofo, then had a CPAP that kept my grandma up. So they sleep in different rooms and it works for them. Honestly, when I say they are one of the most in love couples I know, I'm not even exaggerating. Its beautiful to watch.

And FWIW, when I was little I spent weeks in the summer with my grandparents and definitely walked in on them doing it one afternoon when I was supposed to be at their neighbors house playing with the neighbor girls.

DH sleeps in a different room if he feels like having a few beers before bed, even though DS sleeps (for the most part) in his own pack and play next to our bed. He snores and it bugs both of us.

There's lots of ways to remain a close couple while temporarily not sharing a bed.

Again, the OP didn't speak of a voluntary arrangement. She's talking about kicking your DH out of your bed (or making him feel as though that is his only option b/c of lack of space) so that you can bedshare w/ your child.

Obviously if everyone is happy with the sleeping arrangements no resentment will arise. It's when someone doesn't have a say in the situation and is unhappy that problems can crop up.

AzaleaM · December 2009

Also, I'd like to think that my relationship with my children won't be "gone" after 18 years. Nor will the benefits of everything positive I've instilled in them as a parent, no matter my methods.

CalinsBride · December 2009

I'm not here to say what's best for anyone else's marriage or family, but since we have a double bed DH has been on the pull-out couch half the time, and it BLOWS. My favourite time of day used to be snuggling with my DH all night, so for us, it really is important and I miss it. We are thankfully getting a side-car arrangement soon and hope that that will help. DS will NOT sleep in his pack n play for more than an hour, and we don't feel comfortable with him in another room. I am really looking forward to not having my DH on the couch anymore!

cindy453 · December 2009

sazzie:
I think it is great if everyone is together and happy with the arrangement. I'm talking about mom with baby, husband elsewhere (particularly couch) long term. I also realize there are those rough nights, although in our family, we both suffer those because I could NOT do them alone!
I want to add that what I'm getting at is that the family is the whole bunch, including the father. The needs of everyone in the family need to be balanced. The father can be very hurt if he is left out.

are we reading the same posts here? Because she says it's great if the whole family bedshares, but that mom and baby in one room alone is alienating. She doesn't say "unless the dad is okay with it".

brideofaussie · December 2009

cindy453:
sazzie:

I think it is great if everyone is together and happy with the arrangement. I'm talking about mom with baby, husband elsewhere (particularly couch) long term. I also realize there are those rough nights, although in our family, we both suffer those because I could NOT do them alone!

I want to add that what I'm getting at is that the family is the whole bunch, including the father. The needs of everyone in the family need to be balanced. The father can be very hurt if he is left out.

are we reading the same posts here? Because she says it's great if the whole family bedshares, but that mom and baby in one room alone is alienating. She doesn't say "unless the dad is okay with it".

You just quoted the OP.

cindy453 · December 2009

I know I quoted the OP... I was asking where she said it was okay for the H to sleep in another room if he was okay with it. IMO, the OP is fairly clear that she feels any separation of the dad in another room is not okay.

brideofaussie · December 2009

AzaleaM:
Also, I'd like to think that my relationship with my children won't be "gone" after 18 years. Nor will the benefits of everything positive I've instilled in them as a parent, no matter my methods.

The OP didn't say relationship. She means that they will most likely (hopefully) be gone phyiscally.

Why is everyone taking this as an attack on their relationships? Clearly if your DH voluntarily and happily sleeps somewhere other than his bed the OP is not referencing your situation.

brideofaussie · December 2009

cindy453:
I know I quoted the OP... I was asking where she said it was okay for the H to sleep in another room if he was okay with it. IMO, the OP is fairly clear that she feels any separation of the dad in another room is not okay.

ETA- she said it in her follow up post. She clarified her point. Is she not allowed to do that?

In her OP she said "putting DH out" which to me assumes he is being forced/asked to do something he is not happy with.

Not to mention (again) that the OP's overall point was to maintain balance in the home. So if everyone is happy clearly there is balance no matter what the sleeping arrangments.

Jelliebean1982 · December 2009

sazzie:

IMO, putting the hubs out on the couch or in another room is just asking for marriage trouble. Especially long term.

This was the part that put me off. Is my marriage in trouble because we sleep separately? No. I can get how the arrangement wouldn't work for other people, but I expect that as grown adults people can choose their sleeping arrangements for themselves.

It's just unsolicited advice. I don't go over to the SAHM board and talk about the glories of being a WM. Why should anyone feel like it's any of their business to go on the AP board and talk about the perils of bedsharing?

lvisser · December 2009

Personally, FOR US... I would NEVER have DH sleep on the couch. The thought has never ever crossed my mind. It has also never crossed my mind to sleep away from my husband in any way.

For us, we did bed share for a few months. When DH started not liking it, that was it. The end. Every now and again, I do sneak DS in, but I also respect my DH and his thoughts.

cindy453 · December 2009

hmm... that's not how I interpreted it at all. I guess we will have to wait for the OP to clarify.

brideofaussie · December 2009

Jelliebean1982:
sazzie:

IMO, putting the hubs out on the couch or in another room is just asking for marriage trouble. Especially long term.

This was the part that put me off. Is my marriage in trouble because we sleep separately? No. I can get how the arrangement wouldn't work for other people, but I expect that as grown adults people can choose their sleeping arrangements for themselves.

It's just unsolicited advice. I don't go over to the SAHM board and talk about the glories of being a WM. Why should anyone feel like it's any of their business to go on the AP board and talk about the perils of bedsharing?

She's not talking about the perils of bedsharing. She talking about the perils of forcing/asking your DH to do something in the long-term that he isn't happy with. The fact that it's about making him sleep on the couch is kind of irrelevant. The point is that if you're asking your DH to sacrifice constantly to his detriment w/o ever sacrificing yourself it may cause problems in your marriage. To me this is kind of common sense.

lyndausvi · December 2009

brideofaussie:
Jelliebean1982:
sazzie:

IMO, putting the hubs out on the couch or in another room is just asking for marriage trouble. Especially long term.

This was the part that put me off. Is my marriage in trouble because we sleep separately? No. I can get how the arrangement wouldn't work for other people, but I expect that as grown adults people can choose their sleeping arrangements for themselves.

It's just unsolicited advice. I don't go over to the SAHM board and talk about the glories of being a WM. Why should anyone feel like it's any of their business to go on the AP board and talk about the perils of bedsharing?
She's not talking about the perils of bedsharing. She talking about the perils of forcing/asking your DH to do something in the long-term that he isn't happy with. The fact that it's about making him sleep on the couch is kind of irrelevant. The point is that if you're asking your DH to sacrifice constantly to his detriment w/o ever sacrificing yourself it may cause problems in your marriage. To me this is kind of common sense.

I'm a lurker with no kids yet. For the record, I interrupted the OP the same way you did.

christina627 · December 2009

Hmm...DH, LO, and I all share the same bed. THere is no hubs on thecouch unless it's bc he wants to stay up late and watch movies and then he still joins us when he is ready. Plus he works late into the night and I work earlier. We are all happy and we still have sex frequently. All needs met...well, DH would love sex 3 times a day and that doesn't happen, but 5-6 times a week is good for now.

Jelliebean1982 · December 2009

brideofaussie:
Jelliebean1982:
sazzie:

IMO, putting the hubs out on the couch or in another room is just asking for marriage trouble. Especially long term.

This was the part that put me off. Is my marriage in trouble because we sleep separately? No. I can get how the arrangement wouldn't work for other people, but I expect that as grown adults people can choose their sleeping arrangements for themselves.

It's just unsolicited advice. I don't go over to the SAHM board and talk about the glories of being a WM. Why should anyone feel like it's any of their business to go on the AP board and talk about the perils of bedsharing?

She's not talking about the perils of bedsharing. She talking about the perils of forcing/asking your DH to do something in the long-term that he isn't happy with. The fact that it's about making him sleep on the couch is kind of irrelevant. The point is that if you're asking your DH to sacrifice constantly to his detriment w/o ever sacrificing yourself it may cause problems in your marriage. To me this is kind of common sense.

So then why give advice about it on a board where you've never posted before? It comes off wrong.

AzaleaM · December 2009

brideofaussie:
AzaleaM:
Also, I'd like to think that my relationship with my children won't be "gone" after 18 years. Nor will the benefits of everything positive I've instilled in them as a parent, no matter my methods.

The OP didn't say relationship. She means that they will most likely (hopefully) be gone phyiscally.

Why is everyone taking this as an attack on their relationships? Clearly if your DH voluntarily and happily sleeps somewhere other than his bed the OP is not referencing your situation.

Well if it's not about the relationship/personal development, then I'm not sure what it's about.

At any rate, my post was a response to the OP. I admit I didn't originally read the follow up qualification, which makes a big difference.

AlisaS · December 2009

There are a lot of things that can cause marital issues. Do you really think you are standing on some soapbox saying something revolutionary?

lovesazzie · December 2009

To clarify: the point of my post is to share my concern that often with AP, it is easy to be so very focused on the needs of the child that we forget the needs of the rest of the family, particularly the husband. Bedsharing is one example that I've seen recently and that is why I brought it up. It may be common knowledge, but we all need reminders sometimes, no? In my short experience in the throes of motherhood, I have noticed that it is sometimes hard to keep balance. My point is, in all of our mothering, let's not forget that the hubs needs some attention as well. The essence of AP is to find that ideal balance of meeting the needs of each member of the family - everyone gets equal consideration and weight.

I hope that makes sense. If you prefer separate beds and that is what makes everyone happy, then that is great. My point is that everyone needs to be happy with the arrangement.

LittleEgypt · December 2009

I hope that all the Hs out there are balancing everyone's needs as well. I would have been pretty ticked if DH had pushed to have DS sleep in his own room from he beginning, unless he had planned to get up and bring him to me every time he wanted to nurse, and bring him back again.

I have no idea about the OP and her family, but I know there are a lot of women out there who have to mother DH and their children, which is total crap. DH and I both put the needs of our child above all else, because that is the most important thing right now. We're both adults and can take care of ourselves. We kind of knew it would be disruptive when we planned to have children.

Oh and WTF "children will be there for 18 years"? Um, children are your forever. They are only babies for a short time, though, and eventually you won't be able to pay them to snuggle up. I'm enjoying it while it lasts!

goodheartedmommy · December 2009

I couldn't be married to a man that was so stuck on himself he couldn't share the bed with his own child for a year or two. Yuck. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who loves bedsharing like I do. There would be far more issues in our marriage than bedsharing if he felt it was not okay to let the baby in bed with me. DH has slept on the couch or guest bed from time to time, but that's because of his snoring, not the babies. Our marriage did not suffer...after all, we were sleeping.

webMistress0609 · December 2009

goodheartedmommy:
I couldn't be married to a man that was so stuck on himself he couldn't share the bed with his own child for a year or two. Yuck. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who loves bedsharing like I do. There would be far more issues in our marriage than bedsharing if he felt it was not okay to let the baby in bed with me. DH has slept on the couch or guest bed from time to time, but that's because of his snoring, not the babies. Our marriage did not suffer...after all, we were sleeping.

I couldn't have said it better. Babies are only babies for a short amount of time, & yes, sometimes DH is going to come second. It's very temporary. We bedshare & love it. I asked DH at one point when he wanted to move Ari to the crib, & he looked at me like I was nuts. "We'd never get any sleep that way. You're kidding right?"

I don't even get what the point of the OP is. Lurkers coming over here to lecture? WTF?

brideofaussie · December 2009

sazzie:

To clarify: the point of my post is to share my concern that often with AP, it is easy to be so very focused on the needs of the child that we forget the needs of the rest of the family, particularly the husband. Bedsharing is one example that I've seen recently and that is why I brought it up. It may be common knowledge, but we all need reminders sometimes, no? In my short experience in the throes of motherhood, I have noticed that it is sometimes hard to keep balance. My point is, in all of our mothering, let's not forget that the hubs needs some attention as well. The essence of AP is to find that ideal balance of meeting the needs of each member of the family - everyone gets equal consideration and weight.

I hope that makes sense. If you prefer separate beds and that is what makes everyone happy, then that is great. My point is that everyone needs to be happy with the arrangement.

You made complete sense to me. I'm not sure why everyone is reading something that you didn't say. Don't worry about it though. It happens often. Sometimes everybody just decides to gang up on a poster for no apparent reason.

AzaleaM · December 2009

LittleEgypt:
I hope that all the Hs out there are balancing everyone's needs as well. I would have been pretty ticked if DH had pushed to have DS sleep in his own room from he beginning, unless he had planned to get up and bring him to me every time he wanted to nurse, and bring him back again.

I have no idea about the OP and her family, but I know there are a lot of women out there who have to mother DH and their children, which is total crap. DH and I both put the needs of our child above all else, because that is the most important thing right now. We're both adults and can take care of ourselves. We kind of knew it would be disruptive when we planned to have children.

Oh and WTF "children will be there for 18 years"? Um, children are your forever. They are only babies for a short time, though, and eventually you won't be able to pay them to snuggle up. I'm enjoying it while it lasts!

Well said.

LucyPevensie · December 2009

AzaleaM:
LittleEgypt:
I hope that all the Hs out there are balancing everyone's needs as well. I would have been pretty ticked if DH had pushed to have DS sleep in his own room from he beginning, unless he had planned to get up and bring him to me every time he wanted to nurse, and bring him back again.

I have no idea about the OP and her family, but I know there are a lot of women out there who have to mother DH and their children, which is total crap. DH and I both put the needs of our child above all else, because that is the most important thing right now. We're both adults and can take care of ourselves. We kind of knew it would be disruptive when we planned to have children.

Oh and WTF "children will be there for 18 years"? Um, children are your forever. They are only babies for a short time, though, and eventually you won't be able to pay them to snuggle up. I'm enjoying it while it lasts!
Well said.

Agreed.

And why anyone is arguing over what the OP (who never posts here anyway) meant or didn't mean is beyond me. Who cares?

darlawoods · December 2009

I think bedsharing shouldn't be a spur of the moment decision along with any other parenting decision.

We talked about bedsharing and did our research before LO was born. DH is fine with it but knows when we are having a rough night or I am desperate not to be awakened that it is best for him to sleep in the guest room

I think every person needs to decide what works for them and their marriage.

lanie30 · December 2009

Whatever happened to the woman sleeping on an air mattress on her daughters floor every night and her husband growing angrier and more distant but when he brought it up she told him he couldn't comment because it was "her workplace and she doesn't walk into his and tell him how to do his job?"

That is the type of nonsense that the OP is talking about IMO.

lanie30 · December 2009

brideofaussie:
sazzie:

To clarify: the point of my post is to share my concern that often with AP, it is easy to be so very focused on the needs of the child that we forget the needs of the rest of the family, particularly the husband. Bedsharing is one example that I've seen recently and that is why I brought it up. It may be common knowledge, but we all need reminders sometimes, no? In my short experience in the throes of motherhood, I have noticed that it is sometimes hard to keep balance. My point is, in all of our mothering, let's not forget that the hubs needs some attention as well. The essence of AP is to find that ideal balance of meeting the needs of each member of the family - everyone gets equal consideration and weight.

I hope that makes sense. If you prefer separate beds and that is what makes everyone happy, then that is great. My point is that everyone needs to be happy with the arrangement.
You made complete sense to me. I'm not sure why everyone is reading something that you didn't say. Don't worry about it though. It happens often. Sometimes everybody just decides to gang up on a poster for no apparent reason.

It's clear as a bell to me too.

goodheartedmommy · December 2009

AzaleaM:
Also, I'd like to think that my relationship with my children won't be "gone" after 18 years. Nor will the benefits of everything positive I've instilled in them as a parent, no matter my methods.

Yes

brideofaussie · December 2009

LucyPevensie:
AzaleaM:
LittleEgypt:

I hope that all the Hs out there are balancing everyone's needs as well. I would have been pretty ticked if DH had pushed to have DS sleep in his own room from he beginning, unless he had planned to get up and bring him to me every time he wanted to nurse, and bring him back again.

I have no idea about the OP and her family, but I know there are a lot of women out there who have to mother DH and their children, which is total crap. DH and I both put the needs of our child above all else, because that is the most important thing right now. We're both adults and can take care of ourselves. We kind of knew it would be disruptive when we planned to have children.

Oh and WTF "children will be there for 18 years"? Um, children are your forever. They are only babies for a short time, though, and eventually you won't be able to pay them to snuggle up. I'm enjoying it while it lasts!

Well said.

Agreed.

And why anyone is arguing over what the OP (who never posts here anyway) meant or didn't mean is beyond me. Who cares?

I'm pretty sure what someone means when they communicate is quite important, don't you? And clearly most people who responded to this post didn't understand what the OP said or meant.

As far as her not being a regular on this board I'm not sure why that is an issue. A regular could have just as easily made this post. It's a valid point and her being a lurker doesn't take away from that fact.

LucyPevensie · December 2009

I'm pretty sure what someone means when they communicate is quite important, don't you?

BOA .... I have to laugh at you here, and you are going to laugh at yourself (I hope, if you can appreciate irony and not take any of this too seriously) when you read that sentence again.

ncbelle · December 2009

DH sleeps mostly in the guest room - and guess what; he slept there pre-baby too. He works late nights and has a hard time sleeping; the guest room is darker and quieter as it's on the back of the house.

I think the OP comes off as suggesting that anytime a couple is sleeping apart it's because mama is putting baby first and daddy is getting left out - and that's just not true. Of course, bed sharing or sleeping apart or any combination of aren't for everyone.

But I'm not sure what the point of this post really was?? And while I definitely agree that all relationships need to be nurtured, to say that my kids are going in 18 years is just total BS. I don't value my relationship with DH any more or less than my one with kiddo - they are just different.

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