Adoption
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Have you read the book...
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew? I was thinking about buying it, but was reading the reviews, and a lot of them seem very negative. I was wondering about your thoughts on the book. FWIW, we are doing foster-to-adopt, and are looking at adopting a sibling group between the ages of 0-10.
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Re: Have you read the book...
I have started it. One of the speakers that presented at our training session knows the author. She (the speaker) told the author that she got so mad when reading it that she wanted to throw it against the wall. She didn't want to hear things like "birthdays are not always happy occasions for me (the child)". The speaker then said that as hard as it is to read some of the stuff in there, it is good to be aware of some of the things that your child might go through at some point. She highly recommended it.
Based on that, I decided to give it a try. I am just trying to keep my mind open and remember that not all adopted children feel the same way, and that some of the issues in this book may or may not ever be an issue for my child. I guess I want to read as much as I can about all sides of adoption, even if it isn't always sunshine and roses.
My mom got it for me, but it's still in the queue.
I heard a teleseminar by the author (awful, BTW), and she said a lot of people reacted negatively to it, but it ultimately helped them.
The author obviously has some issues resulting from her adoption, so as with a lot of adoption literature, there is a bias there.
I haven't read it but I have read sort of negative articles in adoption magazines in the past. My 3 oldest are adopted from foster care. They came to us at almost 19 mos and 9 mos(siblings) and 12 days old. It took 3 1/2 years from placement to finalization for the 2 oldest and 2 1/2 for the youngest, with lost of visits with very negative BPs and two "reunifications" for the youngest. Oldest DD is AF Am/Cauc., oldest DS is Hisp./Cauc. and youngest DS is Cauc. and was drug exposed. We have the potential for lots of these "wounds'/ issues. Every time I have tried to broach the subject with my kids about some of the negative things they may be feeling, they say they are fine and seem uncomfortable talking about it. They aren't ashamed of being adopted and there is some curiosity aobut BPs because they don't really remember but they don't understand why people make a big deal out of it. I have offered counseling or just adult friends to talk to if they need it and they say they are fine. There have been some teachers that have tried to "find" a problem and friends that have made negative comments. My children have been very quick to correct them and tell them to back off. That doesn't mean we don't have problems. Oldest DD went through a horrible stage last year and still has "you don't love me because you won't let me do what I want" days but I honestly think it is more because of influence of peers who are allowed to run wild and who manipulate their parent to get their own way than because she is adopted. I have seen this and much worse from friends and family whose children aren't adopted....it is a teen-age thing more than an adopted thing.
My only advice is to be educated about the possibilities and be prepared to go to counseling if needed. I read once that adoptees are more likely to be in therapy but nobody knows if adoption itself causes this or if it is just that adoptive parents are more likely to seek help because most have dealt with infertility, the adoption journey itself, and have educated themselves so they aren't afraid to ask for help.
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