I give up...

MommaRed83 · December 2009

I feel completely lost. This holiday season has caused a total relapse for me. I really thought that I was doing ok, but I'm just not.

I feel worse now than I think that I have all year. I really thought that I could get through all this on my own. I have dealt with everything else in my life on my own and I was hoping that I was strong enough to make it through everything that has happened this year on my own too. But I am giving up.

Not that I have ever felt that seeing someone to help get through things is wrong or a bad thing, I have just had bad experiences in the passed and I am so afraid that at the end of the day I will be more screwed up than when I started, like last time.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's like I can feel my heart break more everyday. I just can't take feeling like this anymore. It is dragging me to a very dark place, and like quicksand the more I struggle the further into the dark I get.

Wish me luck ladies! I just wanted to tell you all how strong you are and proud I am of each one of us to even have the strength to wake up everyday. My thoughts are with each and every one of you!

Sonadora · December 2009

I really hope you are able to get the help you need.

michrocc · December 2009

I'm so sorry for all you've been through. There is definitely no shame in realizing you need assistance and being brave enough to ask for it and accept what's offered. And it is brave to ask for it and accept it.

T&P and lots of hugs.

Amber531 · December 2009

I am so sorry. I am trying not to be dragged into a dark place too. It is sooo hard. Be gentle on yourself.

J+R · December 2009

T&P are with you... I am so sorry for your losses

ala_1220 · December 2009

Gigantic Hugs to you!!!

ihearteddieboo · December 2009

I am so, so sorry. Please don't give up. I agree that it is a brave thing to realize and then ask for help. The holidays have a way of making people feel absolutely awful about themselves, as if we needed the holidays to feel bad. Big, big HUGS to you!

jetskreemr · December 2009

I'm so sorry for your losses, and for the pain you are in. Please don't give up hope, there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I myself had seen a therapist for over 6 years. I feel so much better than I did when I first began. I had lots of family issues to deal with from my youth. Please understand that there is absolutely nothing with asking for help when you need it. I may not run through the streets and exclaim to the world that I have seen a therapist, but I am actually very proud that I did, and I try to encourage people who may be thinking about it because I had such a life-changing experience by going through it. I feel that my years of therapy have helped me to deal with my losses more than I ever could have on my own, and I feel so much stronger for it. I don't see my therapist anymore, but I did visit her once after our daughter was stillborn last month to try and discuss my grief and help me with support.

If you need ideas for where to go, you could call your OB's office to see if you could get some info on pregnancy/infant loss support groups or therapists. There is also an international organization that has local meetings, and you can check to find one in your area:

https://www.compassionatefriends.org/Local_Chapters/Chapter_Locator.aspx

There is no reason you should have to suffer through this alone. I wish you the best of luck.

(((HUGS)))

MommaRed83 · December 2009

Thank you all for your kind words. I hope that we all survive this! I don't know if it is the different things piled on top of my losses but I just can't imagine how some women can just brush themselves off and keep going.

I just wanted to say thank you for all of your vocalized and silent points of strength and hope that you all have to offer.

Is there anyone who has lost their husband in the same time frame as the loss of their angel(s)? If so I would love to talk to you! Not saying that if you haven't I don't want to talk to you! I would love to hear from anyone You all are such great strong women and I have a special place for each of you in my heart and my thoughts!

schen0510 · December 2009

Hey MommaRed

I completely understand how you feel. I was doing very well up until the last week...total bummer with the holidays. You are such a strong woman and while it may not seem like it right now, you can do it and you will make it through this. I started seeing a therapist about a month ago and I have to admit it has been a huge help. I also got my big butt up and started exercising and eating healthy...it is totally making me feel better. And while last week and this week are tough...I do believe that I will make it through. You will too! You just need to believe that you can. Hang in there. ((Hugs))

MSC03 · December 2009

I'm glad that you're going to get the help that you need--you've been through so much trauma that quite frankly I don't know how you've done it without help. ((HUGS))

Clerk9 · December 2009

I second (third? fourth?) the recommendation about therapy! Even if you don't buy into their advice, it can help SOOO much just to get things off your chest. When I was finishing college, I was starting to spiral downward & saw a therapist just a few times & that was enough to give me hope. (P.S. I said some things that made the therapist's eyes get as huge as saucers...she was a sweet lady, but it was so unprofessional that her reaction alone made me crack up enough to feel better!)

FWIW, I see you on here all of the time helping other women who are also going through rough times. You are a hella strong woman & please know that you have done a ton of good on here. I'm sure I can speak for others in saying we'd be happy to return the favor, if there's anything you need.

So, here's to good luck & making it through tough times. You can do it, & you know you have a safe place 24/7 here.

Best wishes...

MommaRed83 · December 2009

Clerk9:

FWIW, I see you on here all of the time helping other women who are also going through rough times. You are a hella strong woman & please know that you have done a ton of good on here. I'm sure I can speak for others in saying we'd be happy to return the favor, if there's anything you need.

That means so much to hear. Thank you so much. Right now I just need people to talk to. I need people who are willing to acknowledge that I am a Mother, and no one in RL will do that for me. The things I do/want to do that I see women on here doing all the time (hanging pictures, buying jewelry, buying angel ornaments, etc) people in my RL say that I am just torturing myself and that I need to move on. My stbxh had the nerve to tell me the other day that he doesn't count the MC in August cause it doesn't count cause he left and wasn't around for any of it. He had the guts to tell me to my face: "What are you gonna celebrate ITS birthday too? You can't just do that." Ugh. Like I said right now I just need to have people who understand and listen to me bit*h and moan. I know that most people still have their husbands/significant others and just don't relate in that aspect and part of me feels guilty to bring that into the mix here. I just appreciate the support I get from all of the women here. Thanks again to all of you who have taken the time to respond to this. It really means a lot!

butterfly843 · December 2009

Sending hugs.

Staribeth · December 2009

Do not give up.

I did not lose my husband, but we did lose both of his parents during this past year along with the three babies. We both see therapists and I also speak with my ob/gyn on a regular basis. It has helped us tremendously. If you aren't sure about where to find support, I would start with your ob/gyn considering they are aware of all the trauma you have experienced with your loses.

But above all, please seek out support because all is not lost. You are a strong woman and you will make it through. We are all here for you.

I wish you all the best in 2010.

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