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Blended Families
So bummed and frustrated. A very long rant.
I know this may sound selfish, but I don't care at this point.
For the past 5 years, we have done Christmas the same way. We get SS the night before Christmas Eve and we do "Christmas Morning" on Xmas Eve morning. Then we hang out, he plays with his new crap and goes home to his mothers, where he does there Xmas. Easy peasy and everyone has a nice time. Then H and I get to have our Christmas time on Christmas Eve night. We finish up our must do's, and then hang out together, watch movies, eat cookies, you know that kind of stuff. Then Christmas Day we have my parents/brother over for breakfast (h's sister/husband and family stop over too), then head out for visitng with other friends/family. It's hectic but lovely.
Well apparently BM has something else to do this year, and has stated that she will pick SS up first thing Christmas morning. Now, I know this should not be a big deal, but I am just so tired of things being HER way. (i know, i know, Paris, STFU and stop whining-it's a DH problem and not a BM problem, and you are so right). I just don't understand why she has to dictate what goes on, and god forbid we have kid free plans, b/c then all hell breaks loose. I am sooooo sick of her antics, and I hate that we have run out of steam when it comes to fighting her (on a bigger scale, ie, the house).
Not to mention, SS has been with us every weekend since September, with the exception of when we went on our vacation in October. Every.single.weekend. We have done zero Christmas shopping (ummm, hello it is 4 days away) and more importantly don't get to spend any QT together. I probably would feel differently if we had a real house, where I could go into a bedroom and shut the door, or send him to a basement, so I could have some quiet and some privacy. But I can't. The only doors in our house, are on his bedroom and on the bathroom. We have no bedroom, really, and it is all open to the family room/kitchen. For at least 12 weeks now I have had to hear screaming at the stupid TV (football) and I am about to f-ing lose my mind. I have no sanctuary, I have no peace. No place but the bathroom, and seeing that is right next to the TV (and someone likes to pee on the seat), that isn't so peaceful. I am tired, and lonely, and being very very selfish right now. But I just want some alone time with my H. I just want some space to call mine, where I can shut out all the noise and chaos, that is sweet, and clean and feminine. I just want normallcy and it feels like we will never find it.
We got another bill in the mail from our lawyer. Another one, for the papers that she drew up in an attempt to settle the house. Crazypants, has had them since October, and still has not signed them. We have no hope of moving on with our lives until that is done. H tries to placate her, in order to get her to sign them, and we all know what that does. It perpetuates the problem. She knows he does this so she holds on to them-of course H can't see that, not that this matters, since we absolutely cannot afford to take her back to court. Our lives are in a holding pattern, and it sucks bigfatass.
And hell, I did not even get to SD. She is still KU and still a piece of work. But whatever, she will never change.
I have no idea where all this came from. I am just so so tired. It had to come out. If you read all this (I had no idea it was this long) here is a 
for you.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: So bummed and frustrated. A very long rant.
yuck... OUr BM always changes plans last minute and it sucks... we usually jsut go along with it.... but at times have had to raise hell.
Anyway y'all could take SS home on xmas eve? that way she ultimately has no choice other than looking at her DS and telling him she doesn't want him? Although if you think she might actually say that it may not be a good idea.
good luck
I confirmed with H that SS is indeed spending Christmas Eve night with us, so there goes our quiet alone time. Oh well.
More interesting, H just ran into Crazypants at the local convenient store. He brought up the house and told her that he needed to have it appraised, b/c one way or another it would no longer be in his name in 60 days. She asked if that was because he was applying for the loan (he agreed to go on the loan with her, the one that she is using to buy him out)-ummm, no b/c he is going to auction the shiznit off. She then threw a fit, saying she was buying him out (you have been saying that for 2 years woman). She keeps saying she wants him to go apply for the loan for them, ummmm then hand over your tax paper work for the last three years, and your paystubs for the last 6 months, and he will be more than happy to go apply for the loan for you, since you are apparenlty to flipping lazy to do it yourself. Of course, when he has asked her for this stuff , she tells him it is none of his business, ummmm, those are sort of important to applying for a freaking mortgage you moron. THEN she had the balls to say that she really figured that at this point he would just give her the house. ARE YOU FLUCKING KIDDING ME????????????
Umm...aren't you pregnant?
Are you flucking kidding me?!?! You are PREGNANT! Do you know what comes from pregnancy??? A child..yep that's right a baby! So do you plan on having a Nanny for your kids until they are old enough to move out ??
Wow I can't believe this crap. What do you plan on doing with this kid? I feel awful for your SK.
I have a beautiful SD and I want her home with us at ALL times. Regardless of "free time" when you got married you're life as just a single lady was over. You became a mother like it or not (which apparently is a not). If you were to ever split up with DH would you want to be with a man who saw your biological child as a burden to his "free time" ????
This is ridiculous you should be ashamed of yourself.
"Not to mention, SS has been with us every weekend since September, with the exception of when we went on our vacation in October. Every.single.weekend. We have done zero Christmas shopping (ummm, hello it is 4 days away) and more importantly don't get to spend any QT together."
What did you think happens to people who have kids? That you had non-child quality time?
And please tell me exactly why you could not do your shopping on the weekdays? I mean, please you just HAVE to be home right after work like every other human being?
I feel very sorry for your SS. I doubt that he doesn't feel the animosity.
Wow, back the f-off. Where did you come from? I feel bad for my SK too his mother is crazy. As for what I plan on doing with my SK, I am assuming you mean for Xmas. Same thing I do every year. Put on fun movies, make yummy food, and give him presents. Make sure that he has a lovely time, then stay up until all hours of the night so that I can get my crap done, just like any other "mother".
I understand the concept that when you have children are a full time obligation,but parents can get babysitters. We can't. We don't leave SS alone, ever.
And that is wonderful that you have a sweet, caring, lovely little SD. Really it is. But that is not the case here. I have an angry 14 yo, SS who hates the world. After 5+ years of trying to be little Miss. Sunshine, and always getting *** on, I am tired.
Yes I do think they get non-child QT. They can get a babysitter, or they can close their bedroom door. Not a luxury we have, as we don't have a door.
As for shopping, I work until 9pm most nights. So, no I don't have the luxury of after work shopping. Thursdays, my day off, I clean, do laundry, grocery shop, vist my dying g-ma, the things I don't get to do during the week. Saturdays, we both work, and then SS comes over. When that happens, we can't go shopping for him, with him.
And really Ilumine, YOU feel sorry for my SS. Isn't that a bit of a case of the pot calling the kettle black? I did not list all the annoyances I deal with, just a few (primairily the noise), but just like you I get a whole lot of smack talk, and fit throwing, if gawd forbid, I say something like Please turn down the TV. I have never been anything but nice to SS, and I want what is best for him. I want him to learn to respect his elders, and peers, I want him to value education, and develop some self-esteem. I have tried desperately to make that happen, but with a BM who has done nothing but tell him I am the devil among other things, it has not been easy. She has told him, and admits to it, to hate me. To do anything he can think of to piss me off. Do you think that is pleasant? You are not the only one who has a SS that has issues, and yet you want some sympathy, and then turn around and feel sorry for my SS. Awesomeness.
I have a hard time understanding why you wouldnt want to see the look of happiness on your stepchilds face when they wake up Christmas mornign to see what Santa left them! I would think you would WANT this for your husband.
You sound selfish
Because there will be no look of happiness. He will wake up and immediately go to his mothers house (which is what he will want). Normally we have that joy on Christmas eve morning, when we have lots of time, and can enjoy it. He will not be opening presents at our house Christmas morning, and we will not get to have any of our normal traditions. So, yes, I guess I am selfish for wanting to have a nice, normal Christmas with SS. Our normal just normally happens a day early.
Holy female hormone drama ladies. Please slap yourselves into reality!
Let the woman vent okay???
Furthermore, and for all you women out there who aren't part of blended families quit acting all self righteous like you're all little Miss Perfect Step Mothers Who Have All the Answers. If you're not in a blended family you have NO idea okay? So STFU already please.
What flo said.
When you have some tough stepkids to deal with, you need a place to let it out. It doesn't mean she'll treat her SS like crap or she's a bad BM. Paris has had a lot to deal with this year and she was looking forward to the rare, one special, quiet night with her husband. And now that's gone.
I sympathize with her and she needs some support so she can buck up and get thru the disappointment.
She's human. Cut her a break.
I am really surprised ladies, very suprised by your reactions. You all "know" me, as I have posted here for two years (well, those of you that are not new to the board). I would think you would realize that I am not some evil SM, but I guess I was wrong.
Paris I am right there with you lady, BM is p!ssing me off this holiday season. Can a girl get a little peace in her life already???
I really hope and pray the house situation gets resolved soon XXX
Paris, I can say that Im surprised by all of the postings too... thats why I didnt jump in early. Flo summed it up best.
Frankly, if I were looking forward to a nice evening with my DH I would be down about it too... I think too many people are looking at the "Dont want SS there" aspect and not that you're just bummed because you had a romantic evening planned.
I actually do feel your pain. I felt so much frustration when we were living in an apartment with the step-kids and waiting for BM to stop being stupid, make a decision, and stick to said decision so we could all more forward with our lives. It was terrible that it felt like SHE was in control of MY life because my future decisions depended on what she decided. Also, that apartment was NOT big enough for 4 people and I terribly wanted some peaceful space that was my own.
You know what we did? We got tired of waiting her to make up her mind about keeping the house or moving and we just bought a house. Then, she up and decided she didn?t want the house AND actually moved so we also got a rental property out of the deal.
Just try to breathe and take it one day at a time. Treasure the small things. Try to fit in QT any time you can and just think about how great things will be someday. You WON?T have to be miserable forever.
First, I totally understand your need to vent.
I'm a BM and while I *love* having my boys home on Christmas, sometimes we do plan on 'adult' time, or even just quiet time at home. Yes, I know I have a baby coming in a few weeks to kill that quiet time, but we will eventually get some of it with sitters.
When we have the boys, we rarely do anything 'adult' because we want to be with them. (I try to plan nights out for times they're at their dad's house, etc.)
It sounds like your frustration stems mostly from BM changing plans at the last minute on you, and that is tough to rearrange your schedule, especially during the holidays.
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I agree with the others. She just needed to vent. Couldn't have been worded better than Flo said it.
It's nice sometimes to hear that other people can get frustrated in these situations.
What in the sam hill are you talking about? I already have a kid for pete's sake! I KNOW what motherhood entails. And yes, it's frustrating to have a child 24/7 without a break. It just is. Do I enjoy my child and love him to death? Absoloutly! Is it unreasonable to get a "break" every once in a while from work AND motherhood? NO! Good God, props to you for blowing things out of proportion. My point was everyone needs a break to be with their S/O now and again (which for us is achieved through "date nights" once a month when we get *gasp* a baby sitter). Everyone needs a break once in a while, it's human nature. You can't just go and go and go without losing your mind. It doesn't happen. Sorry.
For the OP I was just stating that I understand what it's like to have a child during all your free time (consider I have a son who lives with us 24/7 365). It's not unreasonable to want some time ALONE with s/o so that you can nurture your realtionship. It's, indeed, essential for a healthy relationship to do so once in a while.
You're not wrong in your feelings. Everyone needs some time alone with s/o once in a while. Anyone self rightous enough to say they don't are headed on a one way bus to crazy town.
Thanks Tara.
I think some people just need to act like they are perfect, when we all know that none of us are. I also think that is one of the many reasons that mom's feel so much pressure to strive for perfection, and thus make themselves crazy. Admitting to ones faults, shortfalls, frustrations and general disappointments should not have to turn into a crucifixion.
Why the F did you marry someone with a child?
NO. We don't get much QT except once the kids have all gone to bed. And, no, closing a door isn't an option with three young kids.
You whine about not having any holiday shopping done? Hellooooo internet? I have a toddler 24/7 and two other kids every.weekend. and I had my shopping mostly finished up by the first of the month as well as everything wrapped and hid away.
ETA: I hope things get better for you and you enjoy the holiday with SS there. I still can't comprehend holiday plans that don't include children.
P.S. I don't know your "secret identity" despite you saying you've posted here for 2 years.
If there was a prize for being a martyr it would go to you.
I hear that Phantom.
Paris-I feel your frustration. I hope you do salvage some of the alone time you were looking forward to. I do hope despite everything, you have a very Merry Christmas.
If you and your H don't get/need QT together, that is great for you. I would also imagine that you are not made to feel like an outsider in your own home since you have your SS's full time. WE however, do need time together to nuture our marriage, reconnect, and unwind. My marriage is my number one priority, H know's this about me and knew that about me before we were married. He respects that about me. So, maybe for you, no QT works, but for us, it doesn't. It's what leads to arguing and bickering (not about the time, just b/c we have not spent time together) and quite frankly, I like my marriage to stay rather bicker free.
As far as the shopping issue goes, internet NOT being an option, here is a breakdown of our schedules. Please tell me when we could fit it in, or anything else for that matter:
Me: H:
Mon: 10-7-work. Go home, do laund Mon-9-9
make dinner, go to bed
Tues: 12-9. Before work do stuff at home Tues-9-9
Go visit granny. do grocery shopp.
Wed: 9-7 home, eat dinner go to bed Wed 9-3. pick up ss, go home
do HW, take to Bball practice
Thurs- Off. Run errands, clean house Thurs 9-9
Visit granny, pick SS up at school, etc.
Fri- 12-9. repeat tues. fri 9-9
Sat 8-5 (more like 7 or8) same as me, sometime later
go pick up SS if it is early enough
Sunday-same as thursday Sun-spend day with SS
So, yeah, we have no time for Christmas shopping, and this year we made the CHOICe to do no shopping on CC, thus no internet shopping.
You rock for being able to stay home with 3 kids and get all your shopping done. Good for you. However, my life has been a tornado for the last few months, between my grandmother, who is dying, my job which is requiring more time than ever as the economy tanks, and a myriad of other things.
This has nothing to do with how much time SS does or does not spend here. It is about us needing one day a month to spend together to nuture our marriage, and that is GREAT for you that you don't need that, but for us, it is important. It is about looking forward to our NORMAL holiday traditions, all season long, and then BM using SS to manipulate the situation to fit whatever fits her F-ing needs. No, H is not going to tell SS that won't work, because his mother told him that is what schedule she needs, and after all it is Christmas and that is just not neccesary, to put SS in the middle. But instead of his normal routine, he is going to have a less time/fun here, AND at his mothers.
I know. But it just irks the crap out of me. It is people like her that create the need for mommy martyr's. I bake 16 homemade cookies, 9 loaves a bread, milk our own cows, run the kids to 16 different practices, knit everyone's sweaters from organic wool, make school bags for the homeless, teach kids to read, have dinner on the table by 6pm every night, and still have a perfectly happy marriage. It's that mentality that makes women hate each other and go crazy.
Whateve. How can you say you can bump and not have time to internet shop?
Blah. That's actually ironic, because I'm not the one who considers parenthood equivalent to martyrdom. I'm not posting "OMG I might have to spend my christmas with a Kid!"
It is NOT about not having time to internet shop, do you not get it. WE do not want to put anything on credit cards, last time I checked you don't have to pay to use the bump. It's free. Not having any extra debt is super important for us, and we have worked very very hard to get there.
And seriously, IT"S NOT ABOUT SHOPPING. It's about the stresses of the holiday season, and a blended family. And if you would have read the rest of my replies you would have figured that out.
You have a PM BTW.
OMFG! READ THE REST OF MY REPLIES!!! It is not about spending Christmas with him, It is about NOT GETTING TO SPEND THE CHRISTMAS THAT WE NORMALLY GET TO HAVE. We will have less time, we won't get the great day that we normally have. Our normal traditions are getting tossed aside, b/c BM is a selfishtwat, who apparently has something better to do, and because of that we won't get to have a normal Christams with SS. It is our normal, and not the traditional normal but it has worked wonderfully for over 5 years, this year though she has something better to do than to spend time with her son, thus throwing everyones schedule off but her own. SO MAYBE, just MAYBE it's not as selfish as you seem to think it is.