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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
Can I get some advice for family drama?
My dad and I had a great relationship til my parents split when i was 16. i moved with him, but due to drama with his gf (now my stepmom), i had to move back to my mom's after 6 months. then there were a string of things that made me lose trust - like him moving cross country, and me only finding out from the postmark on the cs check, and then when he moved back, not wanting me to have his address or home number because i might tell my mother. When I was 18 I lived with a cousin - she became addicted to hard drugs and when I called my dad to ask him if I could stay with him while I looked for a new place to live, he said no, i was "a smart kid and could figure something out."
Anyway, FF to now. He rarely sees DD. They live 30 min away. We go see other family that lives the same distance 1-2x/mo so it's not an issue. I call him 2-3x a month and have one sided conversations until he would abruptly end them with "i'm tired of talking. call me later" or something similar. He never comes to my house because he says he's worried my mom might drop in. We only go out to his house when I call and invite myself and have been put off and blown off on many occasions. He's never invited us out or called me other than on holidays. He invited us for t-giving and i told him we couldn't make it due to timing, but we could come out that weekend. He didn't return my call.
I just talked to sm (we get along fine now) and she says that his feelings are hurt and he's sad he never gets to see alaina. You gotta be kidding me. I told her how I feel about it and she said that he says the same things. I have no idea wtf alternate universe he is operating in, but I don't know what to do.
Any advice is appreciated. I'm hesitant to talk with him about how I feel because I'm afraid of the reaction. I've lost him before, and I don't want to again. Sh!tty dad is better than no dad, I guess.
Sorry so long. I just needed to get it out. Y'all are my therapist.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Can I get some advice for family drama?
Time to have a heart to heart with Dad?
I really don't know. I'm a hardcore Daddy's girl. I hope that someone else comes along with better advice than me (I know they will). Here's hoping that things can work out between the two of you!
here's my honest to goodness opinion. it's his move, not yours. he's the parent. he has royally effed up every opportunity he's been given.
you're the child. to put you in a position where you're putting yourself out to him and fearing his rejection again and again is not okay. if he wants to make a plan to see her, then he's a big boy and can do that himself, or through your sm.
but no way are you obligated to do anything else but receive him warmly when he does put in the effort.
If it were me, I'd just forget about him. I only try so much before I give up.
If you want to make things work you need to set a limit. I'd give him 1 heart-to-heart convo and get absolutely everything off your chest and tell him he has 1 chance to fix things. If he screws up, then be done. Giving him chance after chance after chance just makes you more and more frustrated and sad and no one needs that in their life.
I have a strange relationship that hurts more then anything I have ever felt. I love him so much and it seems like since I got married our relationship has strained. We used to be so close.
I totally agree a shitty dad is better then no dad, but you really shouldn't let it get to you. I call my dad maybe 1x a month and I normally just talk about everyday things. I try not to rely on him for anything. I don't have any expectations from him. He has only seen DD 2x and it really hurts, but I can't do anything about it. I wouldn't write him off but I would start putting as much effort as he does into the relationship.
It really sucks Jen I am sorry!
My dad also lives(ed) in an alternate universe. He didn't come to my wedding, but HE was the one that was hurt? huh? We had a face to face talk a few years ago about it and it helped. Our relationship isn't back to where it was when I was a kid, but we get along now and talk every so often (he lives on the otherside of the country). I think having an honest conversation with him about how you feel and listening to his side (even if it doesn't make any sense) can help you both move forward.
I'm sorry - issues with your dad are so difficult.
sorry to steal the post. my dad also didn't come to my wedding and i can not get over it. my wedding was horrible. i took 3x my anxiety meds and drank a bottle of champagne before the wedding so i wouldn't be so hysterical that i couldn't talk. it was bad. all his brothers (4) were there and everytime i looked at them i saw my dad. i will never get over it. i hate that he isn't in the pictures, i hate that one day my kids will want to know why and i hate that the reason he didn't come is because he is a selfish ass who is running from the law. we were so close growing up.
sorry it has always been hard for me to talk about this so i had to get it out.
You remind me of my DH and his dad. They have the same kind of thing going on. I feel like F him because he makes no effort at all. DH keeps trying though, about 5 times a year DH is like want to go see my Dad for the weekend? I say sure because I know it won't happen. In the 3 year we have lived here less than an hour from his dad we have seen him twice. They are always in Napa, or Bermuda, or wherever.
I think the ball is in his court. SM knows now and can tell him you would love to see him. If he doesn't do anything that is on him.
Oh man I am so sorry for you. That was why we called our wedding off and went away just the two of us. MIL was sooooooooo upset about it. But I did not feel like staring at my angry parents on the happiest day of my life.