Feeling guilty about all the help
Since I had DS, my DH has been absolutely great. I had a C-section so I could not do much for the first day or two in the hospital so DH became SuperDad. He knew nothing about babies really but got the nurses and techs to show him how to do everything from changing diapers to swaddling to feeding and bathing. He became a pet amongst the staff actually and everyone mentioned how lucky I was to have such an involved hubby. Then when we got home and the PPD and PPA kicked in, my Mom started coming over a lot to help me - she even stays the night with us some and gets up with the baby, yelling at me to go back to bed and get more rest, that she will take care of things.
I am so lucky to have them and I know it but I feel so guilty. I feel like I should be doing everything they are doing and I worry that they are going to get tired of me and my needs. I cried to DH last night begging him not to leave us (no, he has given no indication of leaving at all - its the PPA I think) and then I cried at my Mom on the phone telling her how sorry I am about how things have happened. Everything I have read talks about feelings of guilt toward the baby, but I have guilt about my loved ones thinking I am taking advantage of them. Anyone else feel the same? How do you handle it other than expressing your gratitiude and apologizing 10,000 times?
Re: Feeling guilty about all the help
I could have written your post. I feel EXACTLY the same way. I had a lot of pregnancy complications and did a long stint of bed rest before the baby came. I wasn't able to do anything and depended on a lot of help. Our baby came early and was in the NICU too. I had a c-section and pre-e, so DH had to be the one going down to take care of the baby. I couldn't get out of bed. I didn't change a diaper until our son was 3-4 days old! I feel like I have been nothing but a burden to my family since the second trimester. First the complications, then the complicated birth and now PPD.
I just try extra hard on my good days to take care of as much as I can. I try to do those jobs around the house I know my husband hates so that when I have a bad day it is already done. I also have been trying as hard as I can to get better. I have been going to a counselor, a support group and following up with my Dr. about my medication, even when I don't feel like it is doing any good. I figure that my getting better is why they are eager to help. I want to show them it matters as much to me as it does to them. I want to get back to the old me that takes care of them too. And I do thank them- often.
Also I have to remind myself that I am a good daughter, wife and mother. I know I am because I am worried about being a burden to them. A bad person wouldn't be considering their feelings in the first place. It is hard to remember but that is what family is for.
Owen Matthew 11/1/2009 4lbs 10oz 16.5in
Born 5 weeks early by C/S | Severe Pre-Eclampsia
BFP #2 5/1/2011 | M/C @ 7 weeks | D&C 5/25/2011
TTC #2 | HSG Clear | SA 2% Morph otherwise great
3 failed Femara/TI cycles moving on to IUI
That's just what people do for people they love. You may not ever be able to repay them back for all they've done for you - but you can pass it on to someone else. That's what my mom says when I try to thank her for something - she'll say "just make sure you do the same thing for your daughter." Somehow that helps. You'll be able to help out other new mom's when it's their turn and you'll know exactly what is helpful! Try to accept the help and not feel guilty - you NEED the help right now. Take it. You'll be able to pass it on someday.
)
I feel enormously guilty a lot of times for all the work DH does around the house and caring for DD. I was on a magnesium drip after our DD's birth for my pre-e, and was too weak and sleepy to take care of DD for a few days. DH did all the diapering, and although I am BFing, DH was up getting us going. He still is doing much of the work, because I am so tired a lot of the time due to the PPD.
My doctor told me that I have to realize it is okay to accept help, because I need it now. It truly is hard advice to swallow, though. Accepting help does not make the guilt go away. I think the best thing I can do is try to get better so that I can start taking on more responsibilities again. On my good days, I do things for DH...like make him breakfast and finish up projects around the house. Showing my love for him in that way makes me feel better about needing his help on the bad days.
Between bedrest, then lots of complications with L&D and recovery, I needed the help. But it was so hard to watch people do things that I felt like I should be doing.
It took a trip to the emergency room about 2 wks PP for me to give in. You have to come to the point of realizing that sometimes we all need help. It's very humbling, but it's true. And you can't be the best mom you can be if you don't allow yourself to heal, which sometimes means letting others step in and help.
It is difficult. But sometimes it's necessary.
Oh, and about thinking DH is leaving. I totally went thru that as well. I never said anything to him, but before I got treated for PPD, I was totally paranoid about him leaving us. I was convinced he was gonna find another woman and walk out the door one day. Like you, he never gave any indication, it was just my paranoid little PPD brain. Once I got on medication (Lexapro) that anxiety just went away.
GL!