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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
How do you respond?
How do people expect you to respond when they tell you that "this was just your body getting rid of something that shouldn't have been at all", and "maybe you just weren't meant to have this baby yet", I have been told by friends and doctors alike and quite frankly I'M SICK OF IT. I don't want to hear it and I DON'T accept that this is why it happened.
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Re: How do you respond?
I hate that, too. I've practiced how I will respond and, should it happen to me, I will say something like "I realize that you're trying to be helpful, but your comments are really hurtful. I'm sad because this baby never had a chance and it doesn't matter what the reasons were. It doesn't matter that it's "common" (so is cancer, but it doesn't make it less sucky) or that the baby wouldn't have survived. I'm sad because I never got to meet, hold, and comfort my child."
It's tough. All of the "it's God's plan" and similar comments. I've come to believe that some of these things may in fact be true, but it doesn't mean I want to hear it! I guess they're just grasping for something to say when "I'm sorry" doesn't seem like enough, even though it is.
I'm not even assertive enough to say anything back. I just say something like "yep" or "thanks for the thoughts" and move on with the conversation.
That's me, too. I'm always the one to smile and let it slide. I think that, because we only told immediate family, I feel like I should say something if comments get out of hand. It's hard because I actually haven't heard a peep from my ILs at all. Nothing. These are people I've known for years and years and have always (as far as I knew) had a great relationship with. I've been stunned by the silence...
I told someone the other night that they were insulting my intelligence by telling me it was for the best. I was angry.
I said "Look, intellectually I understand that there was something wrong, and that's why this happened. However, in what universe is it 'for the best' that I had to have the remains of my baby scraped and vacuumed from my body?"
Even if they mean well, I really just don't care. Think about what you are saying. Just say you're sorry and offer me an ear if I want one. So I hope that by me having an outburst, that they won't say that to someone else if the situation should arise in the future.
BFP #2 4/13/10. Bridget born 12/28/10
BFP #3 Finn born 8/11/15
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this. I want to start saying this. I've been so angry the past few days and saying this might help me convey what I'm screaming inside of my head.
Smack them.
Seriously though, tell them straight up that their comments are not at all comforting and if they want to say something comforting, say "I'm sorry" and offer a hug. That is the only thing that is helpful.
I try to remember that it is quite likley that I am going to HATE whatever comforting words someone tries to say. It likley won't make me feel better and I am still going to hate the world to some degree. That is just they way it is for now. Inside I punch them in the face, but on the outside I just smile and nod.