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Multiples
No longer 2 babies :(
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Re: No longer 2 babies :(
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Hi Julie,
I lost one of my girls during labor at 36 weeks. I am so sorry you are going through this; my sincerest thoughts and prayers to you. I am usually on the Loss board if you need anything.
Here is what we did:
1. We used NILMDTS to get pictures of Chloe (angel twin) and of her with her sister Kira. I am SO grateful we did this. They are absolutely beautiful and I treasure them. We also have a box with her outfit, footprints, etc. My husband and I also both held her and spent some time with her.
2. Take your time - give yourself plenty of time to breath and heal from being pregnant. It will be a little harder because you will have the added emotional stress so just take it easy. Everyone at the hospital was great to us and our family & friends. The counselors at the hospital said I was a higher risk for PPD and PTSD so they asked DH to watch me closely.
3. Funeral - we chose not to do one. We did have her cremated and her remains are with us now. For me personally, I felt like no one "knew" Chloe except my husband and myself so I felt a funeral would just be alot of people watching me cry. We asked people to just come by and spend time with all three of us.
4. Baby stuff - we actually took almost all of it back to Babies R Us. My Mom called the manager of the store and explained the situation. They took back everything I wanted (some things without boxes) and gave us store credit. Some things I chose to keep doubles of and it's actually worked out well for us. We were having 2 girls so Kira just had a lot of extra clothes. Otherwise I would have donated the clothes in her name to a shelter.
5. Because this happened when we were in labor, it was a complete shock to everyone (I think the whole labor floor and OR was crying). DH & I decided in the recovery room that we needed to focus on Kira and be grateful for her. So while we both mourned our loss, we wanted to focus on the positive.
I am very very sorry and you will be in my thoughts and prayers, Melissa
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost one of my twin boys four days after giving birth at 26 weeks, so not completely the same situation, but similar. We were prepared for two.. we have double everything.. cribs, clothes, carseats, side by side stroller. My son is now just two weeks old today, and it's still a very surreal time for us.
I don't really have a lot of advice to offer you regarding such conflicting emotions, other than we found that focusing on Hunter, our son who is fighting to make it, helps us deal with Parker's death. Being a source of support for him and looking at him, alive and kicking around in his NICU incubator.. somehow it slightly eases the devastation of losing our other son.
The social worker and chaplain at the hospital have been essential to us. We've asked questions, had our sons baptized (I have no idea if you have religious affiliations, but we found it to be a comfort).. and generally gotten advice from the social worker who is sadly used to seeing these situations.
We're not going to have a 'public' funeral for Parker. We've chosen to have a very private service in the hospital chapel now that we have his ashes.
As for the 'stuff'.. well, it's going to be likely February or IMarch before we can bring Hunter home from the NICU. My husband is going to disassemble the second crib and put it into our basement. We returned our two carseats and are going to buy a single travel system stroller. As for all the clothes, we were having two boys, so we're just really well stocked for the moment.. but plan to put extra things away for our next pregnancy (should there be one.)
People won't know what to say, and neither will you. People will want to only talk about your child who survived.. talk about your daughter anyway. When people who knew you were expecting find out you delivered, they will congratulate you, and it will be difficult. It's hard for people to know what to say or do when they want to congratulate and offer condolences at the same time.
Just do what you feel you need to do, and keep communication open with your husband. Lean on the people who love you. And please PM me if you'd like. I know how you feel.