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Babies on the Brain
Lambie.
member
Can we talk about SAHM vs. working mom?
Lambie.
member
When I was in college I never thought I would want to be a SAHM, especially since I was going to school and grad school. Why would I bother with all the education if I was going to stay at home in a few years? As I have gotten older I now see the value in having a parent stay home and would like to do the same.
DH doesn't agree with me at all, and I knew this when we got married but it didn't bother me because I used to feel differently. It actually bothered me that my BF prior to DH wanted me to stay home. His logic is "why would you quit a job that pays you 70K per year when day care is only 10K?" DH makes more than twice what I do though and we don't need my job, it's just always nice to have extra money. WWYD in this situation? Obviously I know we have to figure it out but I am getting frustrated. I just want to feel like I have a choice.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Can we talk about SAHM vs. working mom?
Oh mercy.
My personal opinion is, if you don't need the money it's better to stay at home with your kids.
You do have a choice, and you're one of the lucky ones that you do.
I've done both. I am a SAHM now, and I was when R was a baby, but I worked for nearly 10 years in the meantime. For a lot of it, I was a working single mom. There are benefits to both, and I think that it has everything to do with what is right for YOU. Don't feel guilty about going back to work if it's what you want, there's nothing wrong with it.
If I were you, with the education and career you have, I'd want to try to take an extended leave to stay home for longer, and I'd try to see if I could work out going back part time for a while. You don't NEED the money, but it sounds like a good gig that might be hard to replace later.
Is there an option for you to work part time?
I never wanted to stay home, but wouldn't mind now. D would prefer me to stay home, but financially it's not possible right now. It would proably be feasable in Ireland.
It's a tough call.
This. I'd drive that belief straight into the ground whenever possible.
Good thing that's a personal opinion, because you don't get to pick what is right for others.
Being a working mother was a good thing for me, and I DID need the money, but I think I am a better person for having done it and I think it would have been right for me to work at that time anyway.
If YOU don't need the money, it's better for YOU to stay home. Some people are better moms if they have the outlet.
Wow. That's tough.
I wish we were in the position to even consider it, but until DH breaks into NCAA coaching somehow, someway
we can't even think about it.
I think you should do what's best for you and your family. Maybe you could work parttime to compromise?
You have a choice but so does your husband. It has to be agreeable to you both not just one person.
It's also not a decision that HAS to be made right now. You may be at home with baby and go out of your mind with boredom and want to go back to work.
Or
Your husband may appreciate you being home with baby when evenings become stressful with you picking up from day care, getting dinner, trying to clean, bath time etc. and decide he would rather you stay home after all.
Nothing is final. You can go on regular maternity leave and see how it goes. You can go back to work and see how it goes. Sometimes seeing how things play out gives you both a more clear cut idea of what's best for Ya'll.
You are one of the lucky ones that has that choice financially but you aren't required in making that decision NOW.
I did, and still do, struggle with this question.
We can live without me working, but we wouldn't be going on vacations, or out to eat as much, and our lifestyle would just change. So then it came to is it worth me staying home to be with my son, or continue our lifestyle.
It really comes down to you and your DH and what you want for your family. I work part time now. Logan is not in daycare, I work on the days that DH is home (firefighters schedule). My work is extremely flexible with my schedule and I pick the 3 days a week I work each week, it's not a set schedule. So we have the best of both worlds I guess. No daycare (although I dont think there is anything wrong with DC), it's either me or DH watching him. The downside is I feel like we never have time off together. We're always just passing L back and forth. Of course that is an exaggeration, and no different to how we worked before baby.
So ultimately, there is no right choice. Even if you dont NEED the money...it comes down to a lifestyle choice.
We're kind of in the same place.
DH says it is up to me, but I feel guilty SAH after going to school for a BA and Masters.
I don't think kids NEED someone to stay home. I mostly want to SAH so I can play Martha Stewart, volunteer, etc. I would probably still have a nanny a day or two a week.
I would maybe go part time if I were you and try that first. I am thinking that may be my plan in the beginning. I need to test the waters. I'm not completely certain my personality is condusive to the at-home lifestyle. Currently I require the challenge of work [even though I hate my job] and getting out of the house.
Good luck. My last BF had similar views as your first one, and it was one of the reasons we broke up. I didn't want to be TOLD I HAD to stay home.
I changed my mind since getting KU...
I would totally stay home if I could afford to. BUT... I feel that my job is the next best thing hour wise with summers and holidays off.
Exactly.
I think it is going to be a gametime decision.
Don't work just because you feel guilty. You have to make the best decisions for you and your family at each stage of your life.
Also, my MIL left my DH's dad b/c he wouldn't let her work. So I'm anticipating some interesting responses when I quit my job to SAH.
I really have no urge to SAH, but if it suddenly was to become an option I would do it in a heartbeat. I personally feel it is better for kids to stay at home than be in a daycare setting. A lot of this stems from working with infants and one year olds in the daycare for the five years I was in college. I never felt I was able to give the kids enough one on one attention in the daycare.
You have to do what is right for you and your family. Right this minute if I had to make the choice, I would have to work because that is what it takes to pay our bills. Down the road, hopefully I will have a choice.
DH and I are both lawyers and we could live on just one of our salaries. However, for me personally, I am not considering SAH. Maybe that will change after the baby is born but I value my career, my professional experience, the fact it took me 3 years of law school + 2 years of clerking + 1 summer studying for the bar to get where I am....Someday my kids will be all grown up and I will want/need something of my own to do and be proud of (in addition to raising a family). Also while I know it will be hard to leave my child, I also think I may relish the break and opportunity to mix with adults.
To each her own on this. Feminism is about doing what makes you happy so I'm not passing judgment on those who choose to stay home (and again someday I could change my mind).
I feel like most of this describes me. However, I'd still like to stay home until my kid goes to school, and then start working again. Won't be possible if DH stays a teacher, though, because we don't get paid enough.
You can have it all, just not at the same time. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
I skipped grad school as to avoid having to pay for SLs when I knew I wanted to be at home. I loved what I did, I made an impact everyday, in life and death situations, and I was good at it. Work will always be there.
I miss work. I do. But right now, because we are lucky enough to be able to swing it, I am at home with my hijos. It isn't a forever thing (both me at home with them, and their tender years), and that gets me thru the tough days.
Since you asked what I would do in your situation, I would SAH. We were in a similar situation except that with me not working it makes things very tight but we can still afford our house, cars, etc. but no more vacations and we're not adding to our savings.
However, I would do just about anything in order to be able to stay home. I was planning on working part-time once my baby was born and thought that might be hard but I had rationalized it to myself that I'd be okay with it. NOT okay once I had my baby. There is no way I could watch his face tear up and walk away from him while someone else took care of him. Even a FANTASTIC daycare is not the same as a mother (or father.)
I will have years and years to work and use my education once my children are in school or are grown but I'll won't have years and years to raise my baby. When you're 60 years old, what do you think you'll look back and wish you had done? Will you say, gee I wish I had spent more time at the office?
Again, this is MY opinion and not the choice everyone would make, obviously. So I'm not judging moms that work, I'm just saying that it's not for me since I VERY LUCKILY had the option not to work.
I was going to suggest the part time thing, too bad that wouldn't work.
My situation is kind of the opposite - I have said forever that I would quit my job and stay at home. Now that I am working where I am, I can't imagine just leaving it, even temporarily.
However, I am an incredibly lucky duck. I work for my dad, so he is letting me decide whatever I want for a balance between the two. Right now it looks like I will end up working 5 hour days, two from home and three in the office. One day my mom will watch the baby, so only 10 hours a week will be in daycare.
While I still wish I could stay at home all of the time, I have helped my dad get our company where it is today, and am so much a part of it that I know now I could never cut myself off from it completely.
THIS x100. you are not just giving up 10k for daycare. you are giving up the option to raise your child in your values and traditions. NO amount of money will be able to give you back time you missed with your kids. i understand that not everyone can be a SAHM but if you can then do it.
The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.
The child keeper is not the child raiser. My mom was a single mom and we were in daycare from 6 weeks on. But you know what? It's the values and traditions that my MOM instilled in me that stand true today.
Not Mrs. Becky the daycare lady.
What if I don't WANT to?
It works for some, not others. I personally would LOVE to be a SAHM but for many people who COULD it would not benefit them or their children emotionally, etc. Assuming a DayCare is going to take away from your values/traditions etc is a bit naive though.
Using a daycare while you work does not alleviate you of the burden of RAISING your children and instilling values and traditions in them. It does not ROB your child of family life or home life or the love of a mother.
I couldn't disagree more. I am with Oh-zys that is not always best for a child to have a SAHM and that every situation is different. My mother was a douche and staying at home with us would have only increased the amount of abuse (actual physical and emotional abuse) we had to take. I think I am fine missing out on the values and traditions she would have raised me with if she wasn't working.
Broken Lady Parts Blog
Well said.
Not every woman would enjoy staying home. Some people are just aren't wired that way.
I have a very good friend who is a lawyer. Her husband also makes great money. They both work, because in her words "I would go insane otherwise."
I think that is a good enough reason.
I don't think it's fair to make a blanket statement like "everyone should stay home if they could."
If, somehow, DH and I were to come into money and I didn't need to work, I would still go back at some point, because I like to do things. I like to work. If I am going to be the best parent that I can be, then I'll work.
Very unfair statements.