Surprise BFP-- so overwhelmed
trinny
member
I tested positive yesterday, which puts me about 4w. I tried so hard for DD #1 (3.5 years, 2 surgeries, IVF, etc) and we were actually using protection when this happened. I'm just in shock. DH is excited/happy, and I'm sure I'll get there, but right now I feel so mad/sad that this is happening. I feel so sad for DD#1-- like I'm taking her mama and dada away. And I feel so sad for LO#2 because he/she isn't really wanted, not yet anyway. 
I feel like a horrible mother for even writing that.
Also, selfishly, I loved being PG with #1 and was really hoping to savor the moment with #2 and I just don't feel into it at all.
So if you were less than thrilled with your pregnancy, when did it sink in? When did you feel happy and excited?
Re: Surprise BFP-- so overwhelmed
I could have written your post a few years ago and again just this past summer.
Mine are 17 months apart. Granted... we were trying for #2 but our RE had offered us little hope so we were beyond shocked.
I write this all the time on this board: The SECOND that second child is born all of this will go away.
It's natural to love the child you know, hold, love, touch, play with, and care for more than a parasite inside your body zapping your energy, making you feel sick, and making it harder to care for the child you know and love.
I ignored/forgot/ was in denial for most of my pregnancy. I would feel him kick and say "oh yeah.... there you are. How ya doin'?" Totally different from relishing every single second of a hard fought for IF pregnancy. I felt guilty. I felt like my second would be a miserable sad baby because I hadn't rubbed my tummy and sung songs to it like I did with my first. (BTW... my second had a WAY better disposition than my first so that blew that theory out of the water)
I was freaked out and stressed thru my entire pregnancy. I bawled on the way to the hospital because I would never again have "alone time" with just me and my buddy. We worked SO hard to have Dylan. I felt like I'd betrayed him.
Then... I felt guilty as hell to have become "one of those women" who conceived easily. Then again this summer I learned that an "oops" pregnancy wasn't all I'd dreamed it could be when I was struggling with IF.
So... you're not alone.
And to answer your question: As they wheeled me into the OR I was thinking about my first and how he was doing without me home to care for him. When they handed Jason to me my heart expanded. I loved them both equally - just differently. I still do. I turned to DH while still in the hospital and told him I wanted another - and that's AFTER I'd begged the Catholic hospital to tie my tubes during my section.
The great thing about pregnancy is that you've got 9 months to mentally and physically prepare.
Having walked this road for a while now I can tell you that I wouldn't have it any other way. It was hard at first but my guys are the BEST of buds.
And you know more than most that sometimes you've gotta take what you can when you can.
Ultimately the thing I had to keep telling myself was that if my option was 17 months apart or never being able to conceive another child I would gladly take 17 months apart.
You can do this.
I promise you that you will love your life with these exact 2 kids and with this exact spacing. This child obviously had a will to be conceived if you were using protection and had a history of IF.
((((HUGS)))))
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
Congratulations!
I think it's normal to feel this way, whether it was planned or not. but, it will all work out ok!
HowleyShell-- thx girl. You seriously hit everything, down to the guilt of having an oops. That's mainly why i haven't posted on SAIF-- I just don't feel excited and know too many women would kill for this. And like you-- I tell myself I'd rather be here than struggling for a second child we may never have...
Shouldbeworkin-- thanks. i am starting to get used to the idea....!
And I know ya'll are right-- I won't be able to see my life any other way.
Another SaIF'er here with a surprise BFP! Congrats!
DD was 6.5 months old when I found out that I was pregnant with #2. I know all the thoughts that are going through your mind. Like Howelyshell, I have days (though they are more limited now due to my expanding girth!) that I forget that I'm pregnant until this LO moves. I'm SO busy chasing around my almost 13 month old to savor every second of being pregnant this time.
I freaked out and had major doubts about my ability to love another child when I got my BFP. You know what? I already love this LO so much! He or she will be such a wonderful, unexpected blessing to our family.
Give yourself some time to process everything. It will be okay!
I am so glad I saw this thread today. We tried so hard to conceive DS. He is 15 months. I just found out I have another on the way and I am having all the feelings described here. I feel like I am betraying DS and feel so guilty about it all.
I know time will help things to seem better. #2 was always in the cards-- but the reality of it is hard at first.