Mom vent...(long)

jdouglas84 · November 2009

Let me start by saying my mother has a controlling personality, and it's taken some time for me, but I have been putting my foot down and standing my ground about certain things. Of course it's taken me some practice, but I'm saying "no" to her when necessary, and I think she's had difficulty with that, because she's not used to hearing it from people.

Over the summer, I let my mom know that when LO is born, I just want DH in the l&d room, nobody else. She totally flipped, pulled a guilt trip on me, and ended up not speaking to me for a few weeks. We also went through another period of not speaking to each other when she was planning my shower, and I (and everyone else) didn't know if I was having a shower for sure until two weeks before it happened. Needless to say, we've been through a lot of stuff since I've been pregnant, and I really think each time, "Okay, she can't possibly stress me out anymore...."

Today I let her know that when I go into labor, I'll call our families and let them know when I go to the hospital, and then call again when LO is born. I don't want people hanging around at the hospital for hours, because DH's family lives 45 min away, and my family is an hour and a half away. My mom says "What? You don't want me in the delivery room now?" No, I don't. And then we proceeded to have the SAME conversation we did over the summer about only DH being there. She said some really hurtful things, told me I was "pushing my family away" and then hung up on me. I tried to let her know that this was about ME AND THE BABY and what I wanted. She wasn't getting it, I felt like I was talking to a brick wall.

She's always had a controlling personality, but since I've been pregnant we have gotten into the most awful arguments. I really feel like she is going through something too, I mean she's becoming a grandmother at 45 (she had me when she was 20) and my sister will be graduating college and moving out this school year. But she still has my 23 year old brother at home I feel like to make up for these changes is the reason she decided to enroll in community college on a whim in August, and just got a FOURTH dog (3 pitt bulls, 1 german shepard) a few weeks ago.

I just keep telling myself she's probably having a hard time with all these changes, but it stinks to be constantly treated like this by her. I would have thought that being pregnant would have brought us closer together, but it's really pushed us apart and we have done nothing but argue.

chris27 · November 2009

I am sorry you are having to go through this but I am very proud of you for standing your ground. My mom and yours sound a lot alike. Just think that every argument you are having now is setting a precedent for future decisions you make about your kids. If she is like mine then things will get easier the more she realizes you can handle yourself.

I think it is hard for parents to let go and see their kids as parents. I also agree that she could eb going through an empty nest issue. I am the baby of the family and the only girl so I got the control issues even harder when my turn came around. Now with this third baby things are getting easier (until we start discussing holiday pland but that's a whole other an of worms.)

MAprincess · November 2009

My mom is like that too. We will have some argument, she'll ignore me, and sometimes she still thinks she is getting her way (like you described). She doesn't expect to be in the delivery room, but I do think she is a little peeved that I made it clear that my 2 year old will get to meet his sister before anyone else. In any case, I have been putting my foot down and (unfortunately) the only way to get her to listen is to yell at her. She doesn't listen to reason OR read between the lines. It will get a bit tougher when baby is here-- with DS she took offense that I didn't want to FF and was not very supportive of BFing (she FF all of her kids and apparently took it as a personal front that I was not following in her footsteps). Fun!

vshadd00 · November 2009

You my sister? Seriously I gave up, through in the towel trying not to make her mad. We decided that we will NOT be calling her until after LO is out and we are ready to see visitors. She won't take no for a answer so she has left me with no choice. Good luck.

shimmerairbrush · November 2009

Oooh, thats a toughie. She'll come around though. Just remember to keep standing your ground, because if you give in now, you'll never have any control in this relationship. She'll always know that if she pushes you hard enough you will give. Luckily my hospital has h1n1 policies in place now...so it's just dh & i whether i like it or not.

jdouglas84 · November 2009

I'm sorry all you ladies are going through the same thing, but it makes me feel a little bit better that I'm not alone! I love how my mom thinks that by hanging up on me and not speaking to me for weeks is somehow a punishment or something....it's actually a nice break for me! Well I hope that you all don't stress too much about the mother/daughter stuff....it's hard to ignore sometimes though.

I just wish my mom would worry a little more about my brother and sister who still live in her home, than what I am doing (25, married, work FT, and living an hour and a half away).

GL to you all!

jdouglas84 · November 2009

shimmerairbrush:
Oooh, thats a toughie. She'll come around though. Just remember to keep standing your ground, because if you give in now, you'll never have any control in this relationship. She'll always know that if she pushes you hard enough you will give. Luckily my hospital has h1n1 policies in place now...so it's just dh & i whether i like it or not.

Haha DH and I were hoping that our hospital had some kind of H1N1 policy, but it's only for children under 16. We still do have time for them to change the policy.....it would be a shame if she couldn't come to the hospital at all Wink

rhannan · November 2009

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and as you can see from pp you are not alone! My mom is the same way, she can be Queen of the guilt trips. We are moving out of state this weekend--stressful enough, but she has made it worse by saying I am risking my LO's health by flying out for the house closing, packing boxes, etc. I can't take it anymore! At least by her being 20 hours away she knows that it'll be basiclally impossible for her to be there for the delivery, but my issue is that i want it to be just me and DH for the first week at home before she comes out to stay. I know it'll be crazy but I want that time of just the 3 of us and we want to try to bond alone and figure out what the hell we're doing on our own for a few days. I'm not even due until 2/7/10 but she is already telling me I need to ask my OB if she thinks that I will go into labor early/late so she can get airline tickets now (she won't listen when I tell her the price will basically still be the same if she buys them in a couple months), as she wants to be there as soon as we come home from the hospital. I have tried to tell her to come in mid-late feb because we wanted a few days to ourselves. She doesn't hear it. Doesn't she realize that becuase she stresses me out so much that that is one reason I don't want her at home right away?!?!

Guess I will have a few more months to hear her b!tch at me about it. Great.

jdouglas84 · November 2009

rhannan:

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and as you can see from pp you are not alone! My mom is the same way, she can be Queen of the guilt trips. We are moving out of state this weekend--stressful enough, but she has made it worse by saying I am risking my LO's health by flying out for the house closing, packing boxes, etc. I can't take it anymore! At least by her being 20 hours away she knows that it'll be basiclally impossible for her to be there for the delivery, but my issue is that i want it to be just me and DH for the first week at home before she comes out to stay. I know it'll be crazy but I want that time of just the 3 of us and we want to try to bond alone and figure out what the hell we're doing on our own for a few days. I'm not even due until 2/7/10 but she is already telling me I need to ask my OB if she thinks that I will go into labor early/late so she can get airline tickets now (she won't listen when I tell her the price will basically still be the same if she buys them in a couple months), as she wants to be there as soon as we come home from the hospital. I have tried to tell her to come in mid-late feb because we wanted a few days to ourselves. She doesn't hear it. Doesn't she realize that becuase she stresses me out so much that that is one reason I don't want her at home right away?!?!

Guess I will have a few more months to hear her b!tch at me about it. Great.

Wow there's no way I could handle my mom in my house. She basically invited herself over to our house for a week after the baby is born. I told her absolutely no way, and she really got offended (plus we live in a 2 bedroom condo, there's no room for her!).

Well good luck, and congrats on the new house! How exciting!

MAprincess · November 2009

rhannan:

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and as you can see from pp you are not alone! My mom is the same way, she can be Queen of the guilt trips. We are moving out of state this weekend--stressful enough, but she has made it worse by saying I am risking my LO's health by flying out for the house closing, packing boxes, etc. I can't take it anymore! At least by her being 20 hours away she knows that it'll be basiclally impossible for her to be there for the delivery, but my issue is that i want it to be just me and DH for the first week at home before she comes out to stay. I know it'll be crazy but I want that time of just the 3 of us and we want to try to bond alone and figure out what the hell we're doing on our own for a few days. I'm not even due until 2/7/10 but she is already telling me I need to ask my OB if she thinks that I will go into labor early/late so she can get airline tickets now (she won't listen when I tell her the price will basically still be the same if she buys them in a couple months), as she wants to be there as soon as we come home from the hospital. I have tried to tell her to come in mid-late feb because we wanted a few days to ourselves. She doesn't hear it. Doesn't she realize that becuase she stresses me out so much that that is one reason I don't want her at home right away?!?!

Guess I will have a few more months to hear her b!tch at me about it. Great.

Just lock your doors. Seriously, if she is not hearing that you are requesting NO visitors the first week, then she can shack up in a hotel somewhere and waste her time OR she can come later. She'll just have to deal.

serrill2 · November 2009

We didn't call anyone until my son was born. Then it was a non issue with my daughter because my mom watched my son lol.

My mom is great though, she would never presume anything like that. It is a private time for you and your H. No offense to those who like their mom at the delivery; my BFF had her mother there and it was sweet.

daisy_dueller · November 2009

jdouglas84:
rhannan:

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and as you can see from pp you are not alone! My mom is the same way, she can be Queen of the guilt trips. We are moving out of state this weekend--stressful enough, but she has made it worse by saying I am risking my LO's health by flying out for the house closing, packing boxes, etc. I can't take it anymore! At least by her being 20 hours away she knows that it'll be basiclally impossible for her to be there for the delivery, but my issue is that i want it to be just me and DH for the first week at home before she comes out to stay. I know it'll be crazy but I want that time of just the 3 of us and we want to try to bond alone and figure out what the hell we're doing on our own for a few days. I'm not even due until 2/7/10 but she is already telling me I need to ask my OB if she thinks that I will go into labor early/late so she can get airline tickets now (she won't listen when I tell her the price will basically still be the same if she buys them in a couple months), as she wants to be there as soon as we come home from the hospital. I have tried to tell her to come in mid-late feb because we wanted a few days to ourselves. She doesn't hear it. Doesn't she realize that becuase she stresses me out so much that that is one reason I don't want her at home right away?!?!

Guess I will have a few more months to hear her b!tch at me about it. Great.

Wow there's no way I could handle my mom in my house. She basically invited herself over to our house for a week after the baby is born. I told her absolutely no way, and she really got offended (plus we live in a 2 bedroom condo, there's no room for her!).

Well good luck, and congrats on the new house! How exciting!

We live in a 2 bedroom condo as well, and my mom is coming out a week or 2 after the baby is born...she insists she will sleep on the couch...but she is a pretty large lady, and I dont see how that could possibly happen...we're still trying to figure out where the heck she is sleeping, because she refuses to stay at a hotel.

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