At my breaking point with my in-laws. Need advice...

sunnygyrl · November 2009

I have two sets of in-laws. MIL is constantly wanting to come visit us from California (we live in DC Metro area). In 2009, she visited us in February and August and was with us for nearly 2 weeks at the end of 2008. We see her in 5 days for DD's party when we are in Cali.

FIL refuses to come visit us. He lives in BFE Montana. I don't like him, he doesn't like me (he said I am too sassy). He has forced us to come visit him once already. We have to go see him during Christmas, again because he refused to come see us.

NOW! I just find out that MIL is coming 22 hours after we return home from FILs house. We will have been traveling for 12 hours (that is if we don't get stuck at Denver) and then I have to entertain her for an entire week in a house with no food and it will be dirty from having nobody to clean it while we were away.

I was all excited to have our own little Christmas the day after we returned and I am just feeling deflated.

To top it off, I found out that she is coming back to celebrate Valentines Day with us AGAIN. This will be the 5th year. I can totally appreciate that she wants to be in her grand daughter's life, but she didn't even give us a chance to say no to the December trip.

How do I help my DH grow a pair and tell her NOT to come for V-Day? I soooo need a break!

Janimal · November 2009

Whoa, yeah, your DH needs to set some boundaries, asap. He needs to tell his Mom that she is welcome, BUT before she makes plans to visit, to ask first to make sure it's a good time.

mel41g · November 2009

Yeah...good luck with that! I don't know what to tell you, except maybe suck it up and expect company. You will probably get a nice long break after that. All of our family is OOT (8+ hours) and I wouldn't dream of asking them not to come if they were willing to make a trip, even if it was inconvenient for me. I understand needing a break, but it is HARD on my parents being away from their only grandson. I would never deny them with them being so far away.

Mrs.Momma · November 2009

i know you're frustrated, but this may be a blessing in disguise. Can she just watch dd so you and DH can have valentines day alone? maybe even go to some b&b or a weekend away or something?

it's hard when your dh won't stand up to his parents. i would have more of a problem with FIL than MIL, honestly (but then again, i have an awesome MIL and wish she could come visit more, so i may be biased). I think saying he forced you to come visit is a little silly - if he refuses to make any effort to see you ever, it's his loss. you don't really HAVE to go see him during Christmas, you are adults and can say no, we'd rather not travel during the holidays with a toddler.

SoldiersGreenBean · November 2009

Your DH needs to put his foot down, and tell her that she needs to ASK when a good time to visit is, not tell you when she's coming.

I don't know how you get DH to see this, other than to explain to him about boundaries.

megs042107 · November 2009

Janimal:
Whoa, yeah, your DH needs to set some boundaries, asap. He needs to tell his Mom that she is welcome, BUT before she makes plans to visit, to ask first to make sure it's a good time.

Ditto this. And if he can't do it, I think you're going to have to. It's your house too. It seems like you want to be as respectful as possible, but your MIL seems to just do what she wants until one of you tells her "no".

Don't worry about the house being "dirty" or there being no food. She can wait or offer to help seeing as you'll just be returning from a trip the day before.

Lucky_Dragonfly · November 2009

Some one needs to put a foot down. There are times that MH is too much aof a "yes" man but there are other times that he is awesome at saying "no" to his parents.

djandkellen · November 2009

Mrs.Momma:
it's hard when your dh won't stand up to his parents. i would have more of a problem with FIL than MIL, honestly (but then again, i have an awesome MIL and wish she could come visit more, so i may be biased). I think saying he forced you to come visit is a little silly - if he refuses to make any effort to see you ever, it's his loss. you don't really HAVE to go see him during Christmas, you are adults and can say no, we'd rather not travel during the holidays with a toddler.

I think part of the problem is that her DH doesn't say no to his father either, so she's kind of forced to go to Montana.

sunnygyrl · November 2009

djandkellen:
Mrs.Momma:
it's hard when your dh won't stand up to his parents. i would have more of a problem with FIL than MIL, honestly (but then again, i have an awesome MIL and wish she could come visit more, so i may be biased). I think saying he forced you to come visit is a little silly - if he refuses to make any effort to see you ever, it's his loss. you don't really HAVE to go see him during Christmas, you are adults and can say no, we'd rather not travel during the holidays with a toddler.
I think part of the problem is that her DH doesn't say no to his father either, so she's kind of forced to go to Montana.

DH doesn't say no to anyone. He wants to make everyone happy. He doesn't realize how uncomfortable it will be if we are stranded at an airport, or if DD is crying b/c it is really cold out there.

Last V-Day, we had to cancel our plans b/c MIL came ON V-day and she expected the roses that DH got for me to be hers and she wanted in on all the festivities. We finally got away for 20 minutes with her calling twice so we could have a quiet dinner.

ETA: When I say it is cold out there, I mean that the record temp on year was -35 degrees. On Avg, it is about -10. FIL refuses to put the heat on for more than 10 minutes at a time and we woke up frequently in the middle of the night with the ability to see our breath. Considering it is the basement, it is usually cooler anyhow.

Daisy77 · November 2009

Yeah, she needs some boundaries. I get that she wants to see her grandchild and all, but you don't invaded someone's home just because said grandchild lives there. Your DH needs to speak up. "Dear mom, we love you and appreciate your visits. We love to see you and we're happy that you're so involved with DD. We just ask that you please give us the oppurtunity to make your visits work for US as well."

If your MIL really wants to send someone across the US, I'm willing to go someplace warm for awhile, she can send me somewhere Smile

Daisy77 · November 2009

sunnygyrl:
Last V-Day, we had to cancel our plans b/c MIL came ON V-day and she expected the roses that DH got for me to be hers and she wanted in on all the festivities. We finally got away for 20 minutes with her calling twice so we could have a quiet dinner.

Whoa. NOT cool. You definitely need to have a chat with DH. It's hard, I know. DH wants to please his mom and me, but frankly, he has to live with me 24/7. Who is he really worried about being happy? We still have our arguments about it (she refuses to babysit but wants the kids on a moments notice when we have plans with them already), but he has gotten better with speaking up when she pulls that kind of crap.

blondie75 · November 2009

Yikes! I'm so sorry! I have two sets of ILs as well, both live across the country, so I can sympathize.

How is FIL "forcing" you to go for XMAS? Does he have someone round you up and take you to the airport and force you on the plane? There's no way I'd go. Seriously. And your MIL is showing up immediately upon your return? Is she coordinating schedules with you or DH? Or just saying "I'll be here on X day?"

Your DH needs to seriously step up. If not, you better have a serious discussion with him about your travel plans and those of his family. As someone who has laid it out for her DH, you'll save yourself a lot of headaches in the long run.

yeahimamom · November 2009

As a disclaimer I am kind of bitchy, just so you know:) Here are my ideas..

1. I would make up plans and say that you are not going to be available so she cannot come!

2. Just be honest about wanting to have Valentine's Day for yourself and ask her if she would mind babysitting for the night, if she doesn't want to tell her that maybe a better time would be more appropriate.

3. Tell your husband that you will no longer be going to BFE to see a FIL that doesn't even like you and if it's not important to him to come and see your LO then too bad.

4. Tell him to grow a damn pair and tell his damn momma to let you guys breathe, shorten her damn trips to a couple of days so that they are more damn enjoyable for everyone:)

told yah I was bitchy:)

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