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DomerJenC
member
Has parenthood changed the way you think about how you were raised?
DomerJenC
member
Before Joseph arrived, and even in the first few months, I'd get so annoyed b/c my mom would always act like any deviation from the way she did things was like a statement of how I thought they parented badly.
Now, I am starting to think about some of the stuff they did that I really disagree with, and I guess doing things my way has made me a little bit "judgy", for lack of a better term. It's not like they did anything to permanently scar me or anything, but I do sit and think about some stuff and wonder sometimes.
Anyone else feel this way?
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Re: Has parenthood changed the way you think about how you were raised?
We mostly agree with my parents, aside from a couple of things which I don't really judge - it's just how they are.
We also mostly agree with Ryan's parents. Both of our parents are similar though, and we're both fairly old-fashioned.
BFP #2 11/4/12 EDD 7/20/12 missed M/C 12/13/12 @8w5d D&C 12/21/12
DX 2/7/13 with an alloimmunity + for anti-paternal antibodies started Lovenox daily & BA
BFP 2/16/13 EDD 10/28/13
Maybe a little.
But honestly, my mom was under completely different circumstances when she adopted me and my brother. With my brother, she was only 23. She was a SAHM, and before I was born, they lived in Europe for a few years.
I guess I just think that 30-40 years ago, when they were raising my brother and me, times were totally different. I'm sure when/if Ella has children, I'll look at the way she is raising them and wonder what on earth is wrong with the world.
Ditto. Especially because I know that my mom was doing this all on her own since she and my dad were divorced already by this point. It's made me appreciate my mom even more and makes me think twice about complaining about DH or anything.
I do see what you are saying though, Jen. My mom likes to give me advice and such about what she did, but doesn't push it on me. We both kinda laugh at the differences in then and now.
I think this!
Not really. I had a pretty good childhood - my parents lived on 200 acres of fields, pasture and woods (we had a dairy farm) - and we pretty "income-challenged." My mom worked her tail off to make sure that we had fun with what we had, and that we always had presents on Christmas and birthdays. I remember spending hours in her garden, and playing in the woods.
My dad's temper (and subsequent "discipline"), plus my mom's complacency about it, is the only part of my childhood that makes me cringe. He was under a lot of stress, though... dairy farm, struggling to make ends meet, etc - and he had a short fuse. When we got a little older, it got much better...
So, I don't remember any textbook parenting. I just remember feeling unconditionally loved and free to explore from my mom... I felt like we were the light of her life and she would do anything for us. I can only *hope* to give Paige the same.
aw *tear*
No kidding! So sweet, Brenda. Have you ever expressed that to your parents?
Not really.
I've never thought my mom was anything but a really good mom, especially when I was younger. The only thing I would change specifically [and both Jeff and I agree on this] is working to keep my temper in check. My mom has a short fuse, and yells. I'd call her a a rager - she can go from 0-60 in like 3 seconds and it's scary. But she didn't start doing that [and I don't have memories of it] until we were teenagers. Sometimes, I think she has bordered on verbally abusive. My mom also has very specific views on what she thinks each of us should do and is very pushy about it, but I do think this stems from the fact that since we have no contact w/ our bio father, she wants to prove that she could raise us to be successful adults [I just think her view is skewed - just b/c I'm SAH does not mean I'm less than I would be as a practicing attorney].
Likewise, Jeff's mom can be pretty ridiculous when she's upset, and on top of that, she's one of those moms who never fails to tell her kids how they've screwed up but also never tells them she's proud of them. She's completely insane when it comes to praising her kids. It's like if they don't live in Zionsville, IN with 2 kids/2 dogs, they are disappointing failures at life. It's ridiculous.
It truly boggles my mind, b/c I think she has no idea how lucky she is. Maybe it's because now that I'm a parent I see what could be with your kids, and knowing that all 3 of your kids are college grads [2 with masters], have stable, GOOD jobs and are healthy - shouldn't that be enough for you to be happy with your family and proud of your kids? I just think she has no idea what a lot of parents deal with [and I'm sure I'm biased: my youngest brother is completely lost when it comes to education and what he wants to do with his life and he's 24; we lost my cousin to a drug overdose when he was 25; etc.]. There is just so much to be happy about, as a parent, when you have 3 successful adult children - I can't understand her view at all.
So most of my parenting will hopefully be different as our kids become adults - I don't want to be a rager and I want them to know that I am proud of them. I want to support them in the way neither of our parents support us.
Like Brenda mentioned, when it came to discipline, I get very judgy. My dad is a firm believer in Dr Dobson and in spanking and it was reflected in our childhood. When I look back on how I was, all that he really needed to do was just use a stern voice and I so sought making him happy that his displeasure with me was more than enough discipline. And for my brother, he could be spanked every hour and it wouldn't (and didn't) make a difference. What worked for him was being made to sit still. Being still in a chair for five minutes was worse to him than torture. So yeah, I judge. And resent. Especially since my dad is an amazing man. I just think he was raising two kids on his own and needed advice from another man, and chose to get it from the wrong person. I wish he'd picked up a Sears book instead of a Dobson book.
It makes me very sad for my mom though. Especially because I have a little girl. I can't wait for Marion to get bigger and we can have tea parties and I can teach her to knit and we can play dress up. It makes me really sad that I know my mom wanted to do those things with us but couldn't because my dad had custody (which is for the better, but still makes me sad.) I do get judgey over the fact that my mom chose not to discipline us (the exact opposite of my dad) when we were with her because she equated discipline to her kids not loving her. I really wish she'd had a Sears book on hand then too.
(And let me just say, it's not like we were beaten and abused kids, but we did get spanked, although I wouldn't even say that was routine.)
j+k+m+e | running with needles
I had a really nice childhood. Just talking w/ other people my age (like T.J. and Tdown) I start to wonder why there are differences in the "story" of what things were like back then.
For instance, my mom always said that "they didn't have car seats" when I was a baby. Well, talking w/ T.J.'s parents and they talk about buying a car seat from the car company, and tdown's parents made her be in one until some ridiculously old age (hehe), so I know it's not true that they did not exist [my mom also tends to "misremember" things often - she believes herself, so not sure if it's really "lying"]. When I bring this up when we're talking about extended rear facing and Joseph's seat, she changes the story - "well, there weren't any we could afford". Ok... maybe. But they could afford cigarettes that whole time? But since our socio-economic situation was worlds different from other adults I know, maybe they didn't know the importance - like I wouldn't expect a woman w/o a high school degree to know about extended rear facing now?
I just don't know how things REALLY were in 1980 and since I have 3 different stories, it's hard to know which is reality.
Anyway, that's just one example. Now I feel bad like I was dissing on my parents.
Joseph Henry was born at home on March 9, 2009
Nora Mae was born at home on October 30, 2011
Jen, don't feel bad for dissing your parents. My mom tends to mis-remember things as well, and I'm never really sure if what she's telling me is from when my brother was born (1970) or when I was born (1981).
The one thing that I get judgy about is discipline. My dad was a big yeller and spanker. With my brother especially, there were spankings with objects, not just hands. I do think it had an effect on my brother's trust and inability to get close to my parents.
I was spanked a handful of times, and only with hands (no objects). Still, though, I totally resented that it was my dad doing it since he was gone 75% of the time on business trips anyway. What right did he have?
Looking back, I kinda hated the old-school uber-segregated household responsibilities. Like, kids and house stuff was ALL mom, and dad was out in the business world with a briefcase. If there's one thing I'm completely firm on doing differently than my parents, it's that. Brian is already very involved with Ella and we've even agreed to share responsibilities like pedi appointments, etc. so that it's not always me missing work.
So, yeah, I guess I get judgy about that stuff. They did the best they could, of course, but it sucks that the decision was made to have my dad gone all the time because it meant his kids grew up without a male presence. He always says it's because he was providing for the family, but I would have much MUCH rather had a dad around than a new Barbie Dream House because they could afford it.
Hmm, I guess I had more to say on this topic than I thought!
I really have no complaints as to how I was raised. My mom was single with 3 kids under 6 by 23, one of us was a 26 w preemie. I'm pretty thankful we turned out as well as we did. We were very lucky to have our grandparents around and capable of helping my mom.
My mom and I differ mostly on a few safety things. She was pretty adamant that I give Lily a blanket very early, because I didn't she did one night while she baby-sat. She is also pretty upset that I'm not really considering the flu shot for L.
As far as carseats, Jen, my mom says the only one of us that had one was my youngest sister. I'm pretty sure they were around, but not required and of course seatbelts weren't even required when she was little. She talks about arguing with her siblings about who was going to ride in the rear window on the way back from visiting her grandparents! I also remember sitting in the front seat at 4 or 5 with just the seatbelt.
We were spanked, I don't remember being spanked as much as being threatened to be spanked. My grandfathers both threatened to spank us with their belts! I don't recall that happening, I was too afraid to get spanked to really let that happen. I'm hoping that I can get through without spanking but it was very much a part of DH's childhood too. I think the disipline method is dependent on the child. My mom usually had to threaten a spanking for me to quit whatever I wasn't supposed to be doing. With my middle sister, she would laugh at spankings and beg for my mom to really hit her. And my youngest sister, just needed a raised eyebrow to quit. And this is similar for DH and BIL, they both took their punishment differently. BIL would swear, walk to the bathroom squirt soap on his own tongue and go back to playing. He knew he wasn't supposed to but wanted to did anyway.
Oh boy I feel old. I can remember riding in the rear window and standing up riding on the hump in the middle of the backseat floorboard. Seatbelts weren't required until I was a pre-teen.
BFP #2 11/4/12 EDD 7/20/12 missed M/C 12/13/12 @8w5d D&C 12/21/12
DX 2/7/13 with an alloimmunity + for anti-paternal antibodies started Lovenox daily & BA
BFP 2/16/13 EDD 10/28/13
I don't remember seatbelts being the law until high school. I hated driving with it on, but I remember my friend getting seatbelt violations at $25/ ea so I made myself wear it then. I vaguely remember standing on the hump in the floor board so that I could be a part of the front seat convo.
I also remember riding to the beach with my mom, aunt, sister and 3 cousins in a 6 seat car. All the kids rode in the backseat and we shared seatbelts!
One of my worse parenting fears is turning into my mom. I love her, but she is VERY controlling and, a lot of times, VERY irrational. Thankfully, most of this has been in my teenage-adult life and I don't really remember it as a kid much, but for instance, her birthday this year - I called early around 8 am and left a message on her VM because she didn't pick up. I get a call (so did DH) around 11 am from my dad (he tried calling me at my work phone first but I didn't answer bc I was busy) telling me that he just got a call from my mom and she is so disappointed and hurt that we didn't call her for her birthday. He said all this in a super condescending, disappointed tone. Ummmm, first off I *did* call her - she didn't answer and I left a VM. Secondly, IT'S EFFING 11 AM ON A WORK DAY. Give me a freaking break!! My dad was really embarassed about it after he found out I had called already. (This is just one of about five million examples where my mom tries to control and be irrational all at the same time. It grates me all the time.)
I tried so hard to please her growing up and a lot of times I just felt I was never good enough and my brother was the god darned saint because he still lives at home as an adult and never left her. She's my mom, so I try to be close to her, but in the last year I've really set rules up that we only see them for a brief period over the weekend if at all, etc, so that I can distance myself from them. I think it's helping my anxiety a lot. My dad is awesome - he just gives into her because life would be hell for him if he didn't.
I've stayed up late at night, though, worried like crazy that I'll turn into her when I get older.
haha, this makes me life/childhood sound miserable when it really wasn't for the most part. I just have learned to adapt to her over the years.
Oh, also to add - this is sort of a pattern on my mom's side. My grandma wasn't close to her mother at all. My mom doesn't really care for my grandma (whom I adore). And now I don't necessarily always care for my mom to the point I try to distance myself.
I probably need to be in therapy for this, haha. But, I've talked about it with my grandma (the one I mentioned above) a lot.
Ohhhh, I thought of one thing like that...
We were talking about bottles, and how we had to go through a bunch of different types before we could find one that Paige liked.
My mom was like, "I could never get you girls to take bottles. We didn't have pumps back then, so I would have to give you juice or water in a bottle if we were going to be away from you."
Yikes - thanks mom! I was afraid to ask how young I was when she was giving me water/juice...