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it's ok to not do ferber too
im going to say it, not b/c i want to start a debate, but b/c i feel like the boards are so pro ferber lately and i feel like someone has to say it's ok to NOT do ferber.we read ferber and he has some great things to say and tips for healthy sleep habits, but we decided it wasnt for us. dh wanted to try it and i agreed but i couldnt take the crying. my mommy instinct told me it wasnt right for ruby and we stopped. ruby isnt a perfect sleeper, but i wasnt ok with letting her cry, even for intervals. ferber works well for some, but it's not a panacea. ferber isnt for every family or for every child. do what is right for your family and helps your little one sleep.
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Re: it's ok to not do ferber too
Thank you for posting this
And for anyone not wanting to do Ferber, we're just starting to see some improvements on his nighttime sleeping...all without tears. It's still not "perfect," but he's 7 months old and I don't have any expectations for it to be!
we are not , will not and did not do feber for the record.
I agree. It's ok not to do a lot of things. No one way of doing something is the right way for everyone. So for some, Ferber is the answer. And for others, Ferber is not the answer.
I wish everyone would take this position with a whole host of parenting/child rearing concepts. What works for one person won't always work for another. And I think moms need to let themselves off the hook. Whether you Ferber or don't, if you AP or don't, if you BF or don't, if you use disposable diapers or cloth, the real key is that YOU do what is best for YOUR child and YOUR family.
i agree that theyre pro and con a lot of things, but our board definitely has bias towards certain parenting choices. i know that at times in the past, working moms and formula feeders have felt that the boards werent as supportive of their parenting choices. i feel like there has been so much talk of ferber lately, that it's nice to remember that not everyone does it.
I agree with this. Some people choose to use Ferber, some don't. I think it's for each parent to decide and I hope people don't feel singled out for doing/not doing something. The wonderful thing about being a parent is that we know our children more than anyone & we can make decisions on how to raise them in the ways we see necessary (and for the benefit for the child). Ferber is not the solution for everyone. This board has a wealth of information and it's great to be able to see what works for some people, but I think we need to kind of take everything as a grain of salt, do the research, and make a decision for each of our individual children. Every child and family is so different & there is never one way to do anything.
This!!
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This!
I'm not there yet, but I'm 99% positive we won't do ferber. I already know I can't take the crying at. all. I can't deal with her crying over normal hungry/wet feelings, so I am pretty sure it would break my heart to let her CIO. Just not for me. Thanks for posting this.
agree.
for us, ferber was an absolute necessity. the (lack of) sleep i was getting was becoming detrimental to my relationship with jon as well as with jack. i was no longer functioning like a rational person.
i agree w/ shannon, i think we're just seeing a lot of it right now b/c of the wave of babies that came all at the same time. i also think that "ferber moms" tend to post more on here b/c of the need to affirm that it is ok. and yes, it is ok. just like it's ok NOT to ferber.
No matter if I did ferber or not, it always breaks my heart to hear my baby crying. Just b/c we did do ferber last night doesn't mean I am a heartless wench who doesn't mind hearing Coop cry. That's crazy talk.
agree.
for us, ferber was an absolute necessity. the (lack of) sleep i was getting was becoming detrimental to my relationship with jon as well as with jack. i was no longer functioning like a rational person.
i agree w/ shannon, i think we're just seeing a lot of it right now b/c of the wave of babies that came all at the same time. i also think that "ferber moms" tend to post more on here b/c of the need to affirm that it is ok. and yes, it is ok. just like it's ok NOT to ferber.
Ditto.
I don't think anybody really plans to do Ferber. Its not like deciding to start solids at 4 or 6 months. You don't reach an age and say, "Okay time to CIO!"
I hadn't considered CIO until I was having mental breakdowns from the lack of sleep. It also doesn't make you a better parent with stronger instincts if you don't do Ferber. Different parenting styles, different ways of coping with scattered sleep....its all irrelevant in the long run. When your child is 5 years old, its not going to matter if you did Ferber or not.
I don't think that's what any of us who don't plan to do Ferber are saying at all. We're saying that you need to listen to your child and assess your particular situation and not feel peer-pressured into doing Ferber because "everyone" says that your baby should be STTN and going to sleep on their own.
Ditto Joyco. ?Those of us who used Ferber or CIO methods in general aren't heartless- it broke my heart too- but I also knew my 6 month old was much better natured when he slept. ?It worked for us and I got over the heartbreak when he woke happy and rested.
boxer, fwiw, ITA with the intent of your post. ?
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
I never said moms who do Ferber are heartless and I never intended to imply that they don't care about their babies crying. I just mean that I PERSONALLY have what I consider an extrordinarily difficult time with my baby's crying, and PERSONALLY would not be able to handle CIO because of that.
Sure. Maybe I'm just being too sensitve but I always hear a holier-than-thou tone to posts talking about instincts.
I really didn't think there was any peer-pressure to do Ferber, at least on this board. But the hard truth is that the only way to teach your child to self-soothe is to CIO. You either do Ferber or some form, or you deal with waking up every time. I couldn't deal with the lack of sleep. Some people can.
Actually, I think a lot of people do just look at the timetable and go, "My child is 5 months, time to CIO!" (disclaimer: I'M NOT SAYING ANYONE ON HERE DOES THAT.) But from hearing other moms IRL talking, I very often hear them just assume that once a kid is a certain age that they should CIO. I frequently hear that from the older generations as well.
Also, while I agree that it doesn't make you a parent with stronger instincts if you don't do ferber, I disagree with the statement that it could make a difference once your kid is 5 whether you did Ferber or not. You're developing sleep habits for life. If you don't do what you feel is right for your kid (Ferber or not!!) it WILL affect them later in their life.
I agree. No mom wants to hear their baby cry, and just because some of us choose to do CIO, doesn't mean that we're heartless.
I always thought I wouldn't be able to do CIO, but when it came down to it, she was already crying at bedtime, even when I was doing all the soothing tricks up my sleeve to get her to sleep, and it would take hours sometimes. Then she'd wake at least once an hour and couldn't get back to sleep. We were both crying a lot and not getting any sleep, but we're both happier now. I think it's a personal choice for each family, and it's ok to do it or not do it. It frustrates me that I feel like I have to justify my choice to do Ferber and that it doesn't make me a cold, unfeeling mom.
One more little teeny thing and then I'm out. I don't want what boxer said to become a debate (like she hoped, good try boxer!).
I'm totally going w/ the twin card on this one.
Try taking care of 2 babies all day long, where one won't nap and the other won't take very long naps. Then put them to sleep where one won't go to sleep and the other one will just fine but that one wakes up at 5 or 6am, ready to start the day. ETA: Also, throw in the screaming that often wakes up the other one. And the pacing the floor, the swinging, the rocking, the swaying. Throw it all in, because the boys sure do...
Tell me you wouldn't be tired as all get out. If you say you wouldn't be, you are impressive.
I didn't set out to do Ferber or any kind of method. I was kinda hoping the boys would just like to sleep all on their own!
There is absolutely no reason why Cooper wasn't sleeping at night, we checked. I read the other books, I conversed w/ other moms IRL and this is what we went with. I don't like it at all, but if it teaches him to sleep, I'll sing Ferber's praises across the country.
Um, no. The only way to teach your child to self soothe is NOT to CIO. Will is learning and we're not doing any form of CIO, Ferber or not. He's learning just fine on his own. It's just going to take more patience on my part than letting him CIO.
I think some of us feel that way about not doing Ferber too. Hearing everyone suggest Ferber to me makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong because I'm not "teaching" Will to sleep and am letting him learn on his own.
Exactly. As a family we had to make a choice for ALL of us to get more sleep. Being a sleep deprived nurse just wasn't a safe option for anyone. As I said before, I ran a red light and nearly died I was so out of it one day. Remembering that event really helped me get through 10 minutes of tears.
yes, that is why i posted the whole thing in the first place. when we were at the six month point, i felt pressure from the boards to do ferber and wish more people had said that they DIDNT do ferber. i think that moms who do it need the support of other moms and our board is so supportive that the non-ferber moms now feel like theyre not getting the support they need. the intent of my post came from a good place.
mmt, i am pretty awesome.
That's what I was trying to say. Ali made a blanket statement that the only way to teach your child to self soothe is to CIO in some way, and I was trying to say that no, that is not the only way for everyone.
Ditto this. You do what you need to do. For what it's worth, I'm not sure about this exact board but I always found the national boards to be pretty hostile towards CIO/Ferber. I assumed it's because CIO is pretty much standard IRL (or at least it seems to be to me), so people appreciated being able to express their views on the nest without getting mocked or patronized like they probably would offline, and got a little more extreme as a result.
We did CIO, early enough that many of you would probably put us in the "heartless" category and I'm sure there is more than one poster who believes my child is scarred for life. However, our son didn't like to be held or rocked to sleep. We finally realized that he would cry and cry and cry if we insisted on trying to hold him, and just cry a little before nodding off if we set him down and let him do his thing. What can I say? It didn't break my heart, I was relieved that we found something that worked, and if DS2 is the same way, we'll do the same thing.
I think it's a good thing when people talk about CIO/Ferber as the parenting tool that it is rather than some kind of cruel act of evil inflicted on an infant by selfish parents who love sleep more than their child. I'm probably biased by my personal experience, but I've never seen anyone being pressured to do CIO or made to feel badly about not doing it, but I have definitely seen the opposite.Libbyann's right, I said it first.
I don't know of any way to teach your baby to self-soothe without letting them CIO. I don't mean putting them to bed in the first place, Layna was always good at that. But when she wakes up at 10, and again at 11:30, then 1am, then 2:30.....
You seem to have two options. 1) Go and get her. Rock her, bottle, paci, blanket...whatever it takes and you put her back to sleep. That's not self-soothing. Or 2) You let her be. She cries, and she goes back to sleep on her own. That's self-soothing.
What's option 3? How do they learn to self-soothe without CIO?
(aaaand how many times can one say "self-sooth" in one post? Gaaah I need another term for it)
Mrs.C, you know I heart you and you KNOW I don't think you are an unfeeling mom!! The fact that you told me just yesterday about how you cried all night while working on A's sleep issues proves that you are a very warm, loving mommy.
I'm just saying that for me, I would lose more sleep and feel worse with my own crying while letting A CIO than I would if I just picked her up and brought her to bed with me. That's just how I feel that I could best handle it. I think that I'd also be up all night worrying after she finished CIO. That's just me. I don't fault parents at all for doing it and I do believe it has its place for certain families. I just don't think it's the best solution for everyone, and I can't see myself going to that first even under the worst of sleep circumstances. I think this board IS somewhat biased towards Ferber as the only way to do it, and I just wanted to chime in that I am among those who don't believe it works in every circumstance.
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I got up after Coop had gotten back to sleep every single time to make sure he was comfy, breathing, not crying in his sleep...
I don't want my boys to get in the habit of sleeping with Jay and me, Cooper won't sleep in his crib without screaming. Something had to be done. I don't want a 5-year-old in my darn bed. Let alone TWO 5-year-olds!
Oh, look at me. In this post again.
I know you know that. I just wanted to say it out lout so everyone else knows it, too.
There is an option 3. It's what I'm living right now. When Will cries, I go to him and rock him. If he's just awake and trying to soothe himself back to sleep he makes a motorboat "ahahahahah" noise and puts himself back to sleep. There is a happy medium that doesn't involve him crying but does involve him soothing himself back to sleep.
You can't say that it's black and white there - because I know my parents didn't do CIO with me and I know how to put myself back to sleep just fine without crying or being rocked
Whoops, I f'ed up the quote function...
You seem to have two options. 1) Go and get her. Rock her, bottle, paci, blanket...whatever it takes and you put her back to sleep. That's not self-soothing. Or 2) You let her be. She cries, and she goes back to sleep on her own. That's self-soothing.
What's option 3? How do they learn to self-soothe without CIO?
(aaaand how many times can one say "self-sooth" in one post? Gaaah I need another term for it)
In my opinion, children can learn to self soothe when they feel loved, protected, and their immediate needs are taken of. In my mind, that means if my baby is crying, then she's obviously scared or upset or needs something. If I can go pick her up, take care of her immediate needs (if any) and just calmly tell her that everything is okay, she will eventually learn that when she's feeling scared she's always been taken care of in the past, and that will reassure her that everything is okay and she'll figure out that she can just go back to sleep.
I know. I'm not knocking you. I didn't feel like you were passing judgement, but some of the comments made to your post, whether the intent was there or not, come across as judgemental. I'm sure this happens on both sides of the fence. I totally understand your desire to have support from other non-Ferber moms. Everyone needs someone to lean on. I try to never push Ferber, only offer how it worked for us when someone specifically asks about it or is looking for reassurance that they are doing the right thing when they've already made the decision to do Ferber. I wish something else had worked for us, but I don't regret having done Ferber now that it's behind us.
I keep quoting you.
Cooper is loved, protected and his immediate needs ARE taken care of. So why does he continue to scream and cry? If I were to pick him up every single time, I would get absolutely no sleep and that's not ideal. Not one bit ideal. I have 2 babies to take care of and I need sleep, I need energy, I need to have a functioning brain.
Look, I know that you said "in my mind" and I know you're not intending to sound judgmental, but it is coming across that because I let my little boy cry a little, I'm not calming him, I'm not taking care of his needs, I'm not reassuring him, I'm not doing anything for him. That's not true. Cooper has no sleep props. He doesn't suck his thumb, we're not into pacifiers, I'm not about to give him another bottle b/c he doesn't need it, he doesn't have a lovey...what am I supposed to DO?! Seriously.
I never had to CIO with Jakob, either. He never had sleep issues. And if he did happen to wake up, patting him on the back was enough.
So I guess I should have said: I personally believe that for SOME babies CIO is the only way they will learn how to self-soothe. My daughter is a perfect example of that
Here is my two cents.
We did not Ferber any of our children.
I don't often offer sleep advice to mother's of young babies b/c I don't have the answers. I think the reason you don't hear alot of us saying we chose NOT to Ferber is b/c there are so many alternatives, the non Ferbered babies are getting all kinds of different options b/c there isn't one way or the highway to do it.
My DD STILL (at 2 1/2) wakes several times a night. I am okay with that. We co sleep. I massage her back and sing to her when she wakes up. I am TIRED.
I can deal though b/c I don't have a job outside the home to go to everyday. Don't get me wrong. I stay super busy and there are days I am so tired I am in tears but I survive.
Parenting styles are different for everyone. I applaud parent's who can Ferber. My nerves can't handle it. (probably b/c I am so tired
It just wasn't for us. That doesn't mean I think parents that it works for are any more or any less than us.
Bottom line is all these kids will be able to sleep when they are older. My 14 and 16 year old co slept with me for a LONG TIME and they sleep just fine in their own respective beds now. Ocassionally, they like to slumber party with me and I love that they still feel like they can snuggle with their mom no matter how old they are. They were not Ferbered and STTN just fine.
Do what works for you. And don't get your panties in a wad if it is different than what works for someone else.