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Need Mom advice......
I am struggling with my relationship with my Mom. My desire is to find a way to allow this pregnancy to bring us closer together.
However I feel like we have all these unresolved issues when it comes to babies and baby making between us.
A little bit of ancient history: My mom had a tubial ligation reversal when I was in late hs. She was able to get pg but was not able to bring a baby to full term. My parents tried for several years. This was kept secret from me. i found out she was pg at the same time I learned she had done the surgery some time after the fact. She percieved me as being unsupportive of her desire to have more children. At 18 I was very outspoken but I very much wanted to be supportive of my mother. I have no idea how she came to the conclusion I was unsupportive. I was hurt by being left out. I was also never really truly brought into the loop. She lost several babies over the last year I spent at home that a church member asked me about and I was in the dark. It was hard to be supportive when info was not shared with my directly. When I tried to discuss it with her at the time she would get very emotional and it did not go well.
Now she recently became very emotional two misunderstanding when she thought someone other than me had announced us as pg (falsely). She was sooo hurt I felt guilted into to informing her and dad first only to have a really hard time getting a hold of them.
When we did announce our good news Dad said a few things that made me cry they were so sweet. She was super focused on being a grandma for the 5th time. She also was complining that she was jealous of MIL because she is here and will be involved in everything.
I so desire to include her in things in a positive way and be closer with her. However I feel like she is desireing to be involved for the wrong reasons. I also do not want to be guilted or obligated to include her. I want to share this expirence with her in a positive way. I just do not know how to get there from here.
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Re: Need Mom advice......
My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship --- sometimes it's good and sometimes it's very bad. I think that being PG does bring some moms/daughters closer together but not everyone. For me, what helped with my mom is to include her in as much as I could. She went to a dr's appt with me early on....I invited both her and my dad (and MIL) to the big u/s since I knew my dad and my MIL had never seen an U/S...and then I asked my mom to be in the room when I gave birth to Ryan. All of it didn't happen at once....I slowly invited her. AFter the first appt, I hugged her and cried and just told her how much I loved her and how much it meant to me for her to be part of this with me....even though we are 2 hours apart. We had a lot of phone calls....and a few heartfelt convos about the things that had happened in the past. What I realized after being through it all is that even though it had been 30+ years since she had been pregnant and most of her information was WAY out of date...she really did want to be part of it - even if it meant trying to lecture me about how it was when SHE was pregnant.
For your situation, I would probably try to have a heart-to-heart with her and just tell her that whole first paragraph....apologize for the mis-perception that she thought you didn't care or weren't supportive. That as a young 18 year old, you could see why she would think that...and then tell her how much you want her to be part of this with you. That you NEED her...and that you WANT her. Regardless if MIL is 5 minutes or 5 hours from you.
People like to feel needed - I know that's the way to get my mom on "my side" so to speak. It sucks having to be the "bigger person" but sometimes it's needed to get the ball rolling.
Good luck with however you handle it.
I don't know that I have any good advice but I've struggled a lot with my mom as well and I know how difficult it is. My mom sees the boys every 1-3 months yet constantly complains that they don't know her, she doesn't have a relationship with them, it gets so bad that it makes me not want to spend any time with her. I've found I just have to stand my ground and ignore a lot. I've tried talking, nicely and being blunt but she get it, doesn't want to get it and just talks in the same circle. You have to remember that this is your experience to share as you want and while it may be rough that standing your ground is easier in the long run. Unfortunatly it sounds like she may be impossible to please so take care of yourself first, no point in both of you being bitter about the way something happened.
Good luck.
I have am in a similar with my mother. She is a very unstable person in general, so our relationship has always been sort of a rollercoaster.
Just before I found out I was pregnant (before the m/c) we hadn't spoken for months for reasons I'd rather not discuss on here. Coincidentally the day my pregnancy was confirmed was also her birthday, so I decided that might be a nice way to break the ice. It was like she thought that the situation that caused us to stop speaking never happened.
Now she calls all the time (I mean, every day, twice a day sometimes). At first it was to see what kind of bedding we wanted, or what kind of bottles we wanted to use, and even asking some completely inappropriate/uncomfortable questions, even for a mother. After the m/c it was to see how I was doing, or if she could bring me anything or just to "talk it through". I tried to tell her I had DH for things like that and it wasn't necessary for her to do that. She just says that I am her daughter and she will always try to take care of me. To her, it's all or nothing.
It has been such a struggle trying find a balance, and come to an understanding about where the line is and how not to cross it.
It's tough trying to explain to my mother how to have an adult relationship, because it seems like she has never had one in her whole life. It almost seems like it would be easier to just send her a card at Christmas and call it a day.
I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I totally sympathize. Good luck & I hope it gets easier.
I agree - it's time for a heart-to-heart. You'll both be emotional, but as long as you don't accuse her of anything other than keeping you out of the loop, and you tell her that you do want her involved that you can come to an agreement.
FWIW - my mom is in Dallas and so our relationship is phone/email/mail and she's been super involved. Like the PP said - it's all about emotional support. She could be 5 minutes or 5 hours away, but as long as you are both open and making an effort, you'll be good.
Good luck!
wow what great advice! I think that was exactly what I need to be encouraged. I have been racking my brain on how to avoid a trip down memory lane yet deal with this. I think your advice is amazing. A heart to heart does not have to be a ascusation. I think we can talk this out and be better for it. I feel like I owe her a chance at least instead of keeping her at a distance. If it was ment to be our relationship will be better for it.