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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
MommaRed83
member
Feeling Disgusted With Myself...
MommaRed83
member
I have been reading about how everyone is having a hard time being happy for other woman who are pregnant or those who have just had a baby. I feel this too, constantly. My all time best friend delivered her first baby less than a month after the due date of my twin girls. I love them both so much but I wish I could see them more. I have decided that being in their life is more important that the pain I feel everytime I think about how the three of them were supposed to grow up together and how I will never get that back.
But the thing that I am struggling with the passed couple days is how upset I am with people who have the hope to TTC again. My husband left me and with him he took away my ability to TTC again. I hate how bitter I am towards women who have a loving husband and those that get to try again. I feel that with him went any hope of holding my future baby in my arms within the next couple years. And this is making me extremely bitter.
I hate that I have anger towards women who are just trying to make their dreams come true, just like I was not to long ago. I don't know how to stop be angry at all the women who are getting to at least TTC again. I hate that I am so selfish that I can't even be happy for anyone who has the ability to work on their dreams.
I don't want to start over. I don't want to try and meet someone again, and then go through the relationship and I know that I won't meet "the guy" my first out there. I am so scared that by the time I meet someone that I am head over heels in love with my window for having children will close. I don't even know where to look for someone anymore.I don't know how to push forward when all I want to do is give up on everything.
I am so angry with myself for everything. I hate myself for being so bitter with other women when I know that I should be happy for them. I hate being jealous. I hate that I am only 26 years old but I am probably more bitter than most women are on their death bed.
I don't know how to deal with all this pain anymore and it just makes me want to give up all together. I just want my husband to walk through the door and hold me and love me and ask me to let him come home. But I know that this will never happen. I know that I need to find a way to make me happy again. I just don't know if I can do this anymore...
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Re: Feeling Disgusted With Myself...
Please tell me that you are ok and you aren't thinking of doing aything. You are scaring me with how you are talking.
You can't see it now, but you WILL get through this. You will always remember your baby, but there will be a time when you won't feel as bad as you do now. Everything happened so recently that it's OK to be feeling like this. You have had your world turned upside down and it's normal to be bitter and angry. I'm just worried with how you are talking - can you go somewhere or go be with friends?
It might be a good idea to talk to a professional, too. Someone who can help you manage what you are feeling. And I'm not being snarky, but maybe an anti-depressant woudl help you right now. I have so many friends that are on/have been on them and they can help take the edge off and keep you feeling stable, especially with you feeling SO low right now. I'm worried about you. And vent away here as much as you need to. Please respond and let us know that you aren't having bad thoughts right now.
Avery Corinne - Born 7/9/10 at 37w2d
I'm so sorry you are going through this. This may not make you feel any better, but I didn't meet my husband until I was 31. We didn't start to TTC until I was 35. I will be 36 in December and so afraid that I won't be able to have a successful pregancy. In my eyes you are still so young!!!
GEAUX TIGERS!!!
1st pregnancy: BFP- 6/28/09 - Found out we lost our little girl on 10/9/09 at 19w 4d - D&E- 10/14/09
June 2010, corrective surgery for Septate Uterus and large fibroids
2nd pregnancy: BFP- 10/18/10 - Slow rising, non-doubling HCGs, no heart beat. Non-viable pregnancy, D&C- 11/12/10
Started Metformin 6/30/11, Started Clomid 7/20/11 - Unsuccessful
HSG and Laparoscopic surgery revealed blocked tubes and lots of scar tissue...IVF here we come!!!
Surprise BFP naturally!!! IT'S A BOY!!!
I don't want to hurt myself, i just don't know what to do anymore. There are nights that I choose not to go to bed because that is one day that I am guaranteed not to have to wake up to them not being here with me. To be honest there are times that I wish that I had known this was going to happen so that I could have gone with the girls and been with them. It would have given my husband the out that he apparently wanted and I wouldn't have to live like this. But I have no intentions of killing myself right now.
I got laid off a couple days before my husband left. so I lost my insurance. My husband still planned on signing me up on his insurance, but he screwed that up, I found this out a week or two ago when I went to the emergency room. So now I am stuck with an additional $3,800+ in medical debt that can be added to the $10,000+/- that I already had. Supposedly there is another open enrollment next month and he will sign me up then. I just don't know if I can wait that long to get some Anti-Depressants or talk to a professional. But with all my debt and being saddled with rent and bills here, and left with no job I don't have a choice but to wait.
I just don't know what to do. He has the car, and for him I moved to a completely different side of town than all my friends so they are all about 30 miles away +/-.
I feel completely alone and without you guys I just don't know what I would do. I re-read what i wrote and I realized that everything I said could be found very hurtful to you ladies that are TTC. This was not my intentions. I love you all so much for what you have done for me and I don't want you to think that I am not happy for you. I am but I am so bitter that I can't join you in your posts and be able to compare notes on how we are all doing. I wish you all so much luck and happiness. Please don't think that I meant anything else.
I don't know the whole story with your husband, and I haven't been through it before, but is there anything legally you can do? Why are you stuck with the bills? This is all added stress that you don't need right now. Is your house in both of your names?
Do you belong to a church? I'm not religious, but I hear a lot of women saying they talk to their priest or pastor instead of going to counseling. Can you move back where you were before? Or is there anyone you can move in with?
Avery Corinne - Born 7/9/10 at 37w2d
I completely agree that I am still young. I know that I have time to find someone that I can spend the rest of my life with. But I am concerned with my having kids window will close cause I have extremely painful endometriosis and I don't know how much longer I can take the pain before having to have a hysterectomy.
I hope with everything in me that you will be able to have a healthy pregnancy and get that baby of your dreams. Please keep me posted and let me know how you are doing. I am so glad that you found someone to love!!!
sweetie I think most of us are just sorry for your situation; didn't find it hurtful. What kind of bump friends would we be if we didn't let you tell us how you feel. You didn't say anything accusing.
We understand that you are hurt and going through something absolutely horrible right now. Everything you are going through is totally horrible and I am deeply sorry for your situation. And I'm sure that most of us wish there was something we could do besides just tell you that it'll get better and everything will work out for you. But as it is, all we have are words.
::Big Hugs:: hun. We are here for you as best as we can be...even those of us who are thousands of miles away!!
We live in an apartment that we had just moved into. I don't have anywhere else to go. I don't have anyone I can stay with or anything. I mean I have people that would be willing to have me, but they just don't have the room for me. The apartment is in both of our names and supposedly he can take his name off the lease or we could break the lease, but he says that he knows that I have no where to go so he said he would continue to pay half the rent and half the bills until the lease is up. He has kept up on his half of the rent, but he is completely slacking on the bills. I am trying to figure out how I am going to pay for both the electricity and the internet this week.
I agree that this is all added stress that I don't need right now. I wish I was religious, but I am not. There are free local support groups, but right now I think that I really need some one on one time with a professional.
Hi MommaRed,
I just want to say that we are all here for you. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You have every right to feel bitter and angry. I wish I could say something that would take away the pain and make you happy. But all I can say is that we are about you and are here if you need anything.
I know that I felt the world was ending when I had my mc. I really couldn't fathom that life would get better. Shortly after my BFF's fiance called off the wedding and left. She lives 8 hours away but we met halfway between us and celebrated "the bottom". In a strange way, it was comforting thinking we were at the bottom and would only go up. I hope this is as bad as it ever gets for you and that each day you climb a little higher and life gets a little better and a little easier.
*Big Hug to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love, B
I have been thinking about attending. But it is something that my husband and I were supposed to go together. I attended 2 Remembrance Services last week, one with my mother and the other with my sister. I remember how hurtful it was to see all those women with their husbands, holding each other and supporting each other and crying. I remember how much it made me long for my husbands arms. How much I wanted him to be the one sitting next to me telling me that together we will get through this.
At the first service there was a guest speaker that had lost his son with his wife 8 years ago. How much he talked about how no matter what it is so important for husbands to good to their wives and visa versa. How now more than ever you needed the support from each other to be able to get through this and how you can't do it alone, and the sad look he gave me when he saw how much his words were evoking emotion, pain and tears within me.
I still intend to go to a meeting soon, and every month I say that I am going to go this time, but when the day comes I just can't bring myself to go. One day I will find the strength within myself that will get me to that meeting alone.
Who knows, maybe I will meet a cute single guy who suffered great loss like me and can understand and handle the baggage that I bring along with me.
This is exactly what happened to me and how I feel.
I really hope that things only get better for you from here. You are going through the hardest kind of loss, losing babies, with another of the hardest kinds of losses, losing your husband on top of it and having lost your job on top of all that!!! I can only imagine the pain you're in and didn't find you're first post offensive at all. I really feel horrible for you and wish there was more that I could do.
Can you find another type of support group out there? Perhaps one for women who have had their husbands leave them? I'm sure those women could also support you through the loss of your babies and the dreams you had of making a family with him. I also think that exercise has been the best kind of anti-depressant...and it can be free! You can start by going for a walk each day and work your way into more intense things. Can you have a friend meet up with you even halfway and become a walking buddy? Maybe find a local walking group where you could meet ppl? Things are bound to get better soon and we're here for you in the meantime...
((((((big hugs))))))
MammaRed.
My heart is breaking for you. I can't imagine how much pain that you are enduring right now. I went through a terrible break up 3years ago- I wasn't into church then, but it actually was the only thing that helped bring me sanity. I tried talking with friends & family and even went to counseling... but nothing else worked. Maybe you could try to find a nondenominational "modern" non-churchy church... that's what I did. I am now alot closer to God and it has definately helped in my most recent losses- 2 mc's in 5months.
I am 36., I married my husband last year and began TTCing right away. YOu are not too old to give up on your dreams. Please don't give up. It breaks my heart that you are going through all of this at once.... and I'm not sure how one gathers the strength to raise above it all.. but you will. Take a look at my siggy button.... I'm not a bible thumper, this is just a way that has allowed me to grasp reality and rebuild my life.
Please let me know if there is anything that I can do to help you through this. It stinks that I am on the other side of the country... I would love to meet you for coffee and give you a big hug! PM me or page me... I am either here or on the Cincinnati board.
((((((HUGS))))))
MammaRed,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. You have every right to be bitter and upset. I find myself feeling the same way every time I hear that someone else is pg or see someone that is pg. I feel like it is a smack in the face and that someone is trying to punish me and I am not sure for what reason. I am not a religious person either and have found my support through the wonderful women on the bump. Please know that we are hear for you and that we do not judge! You have every right to feel the way you are feeling and I know that personally, I have had these same bitter feelings. I am not much older than you, 28, and I also feel that with each day my chances of having my own LO seem to slip away. My babies were all IVF babies so I understand the hurt of having difficulty getting pg. Just know that you are still young, as am I, and that you have your entire life ahead of you! We are all here for you...please let us know if there is anything we can do to help.
((hugs))
Thank you all for being so supportive. i am trying to pick up the pieces in my life and make sense from some of the emotions I am having.
Some days I just don't have the strength to accomplish anything. And I know that we are all in the same boat. I am so happy for all of you that you have things to help you get through this. I am constanly thinking of who I can be in touch with and who I can be in contact with that will be willing to listen to me rant. Who will listen to the stories of my children, and the dreams I had for them. Who will be willing to listen to me whine on about how much I love and hate my husband. How much I want him to come home and how I need to realize that I deserve better than someone who would do something so terrible at such a hard time.
I have lost many friends through this whole process cause they are all just to uncomfortable to stick around. Everyone that I thought would be by my side through every step of the way are no where to be found.
Everyone expects us to bounce back quickly and move on within a week or so cause they do. Our lives were paused at these tragic times and their lives continue on.
You all have been more supportive and better listeners than anyone who has made any attempt. I am so lucky to have met all of you and I am blessed that you would be willing to listen and be supportive about my ramblings. I know that we all feel like we are being whiny babies (well I know I do and I have heard people say this before) when we go off about how hard and sad all of this is, but I appreciate each and every post that you guys do. They help me see that I am not crazy, that this is all "normal". You all have helped me more than you will ever know, and I will always be eternally grateful!