Anyone wanna help ike and i run away?

ibfloridagirl · October 2009

kidding...sort of...

DH just called to say SIL begged him to let her come stay with us again. What the heck can i do? I told him fine (i mean it IS his sister), but that he has GOT to talk to her about cleaning up after herself and that she has to pay us to help with food/utilities. Ugh, i really REALLY don't want her to come back here; i mean REALLY.

::head desk:: ::head desk:: ::head desk:: ::head desk:: ::head desk::

missjanel · October 2009

Ugh! I feel so bad for you. I would want to run away too.

daveshell1 · October 2009

oh, that really sucks. sorry

mikey&amie · October 2009

With your past experiences, I would say no. Sorry

punkfiction · October 2009

youre a better wife than i am. i would have said heck no.

good luck, R

char-char · October 2009

Based on your relationship with her (or lack thereof) and past experience with her living with you, I would highly recommend trying to find a way to say no. You have enough going on without adding a permanent drama queen to the mix.

If you can't say no, then I guess you will have to go along with your DH, give it a try and then promptly kick her arse to the curb when / if she overstays her welcome. Which I can't imagine will take very long. Sorry!

ibfloridagirl · October 2009

i feel stuck, if i say no it will create more problems between DH and i, if she comes it will create problems between DH and i. I just suck at saying no

char-char · October 2009

ibfloridagirl:
i feel stuck, if i say no it will create more problems between DH and i, if she comes it will create problems between DH and i. I just suck at saying no

Maybe spinning it off as it being an added stress on your already stressful relationship would be a way to help convince him that it will only cause additional harm and wouldn't likely be the thing that his sister really needs in order to get her life back together either. Would he even acknowledge the fact that it will likely cause further damage to your relationship having to deal with unnecessary drama and stress caused by someone who quite honestly, doesn't need to be there?

ibfloridagirl · October 2009

char-char:
ibfloridagirl:
i feel stuck, if i say no it will create more problems between DH and i, if she comes it will create problems between DH and i. I just suck at saying no
Maybe spinning it off as it being an added stress on your already stressful relationship would be a way to help convince him that it will only cause additional harm and wouldn't likely be the thing that his sister really needs in order to get her life back together either. Would he even acknowledge the fact that it will likely cause further damage to your relationship having to deal with unnecessary drama and stress caused by someone who quite honestly, doesn't need to be there?

DH gets very defensive when it comes to his sister, admittedly i am not an easy person to live with (i am the queen of passive agressive) and DH is very quick to point out that if i were more understanding and patient there wouldn't be an issue. Example: When we were talking a few minutes ago about her coming back i said that he would HAVE to talk to her about certain things (like no nasty panties on the gd bathroom floor because that pisses me off, she is 31 years old, time to be a big girl and clean up after yourself) and he said he would but he made sure to add that i needed to chill out on a lot of stuff and not be so bitchy towards her. It's almost always my fault because i need to be the bigger person.

avz2azb · October 2009

Be the opposite of passive aggressive, write out a list of things she needs to do around the house to help out. Tell her in advance her portion of the utilities bill will be x% and give her a bill every month.

If it were me, I'd put a time limit on it too. You aren't doing her any favors by constantly being her back up plan. She needs a not so gentle nudge to get her act together. All parties will be happier in the long run if she can get stuff together and start living her own life instead of being a leech in yours.

ibfloridagirl · October 2009

avz2azb:

Be the opposite of passive aggressive, write out a list of things she needs to do around the house to help out. Tell her in advance her portion of the utilities bill will be x% and give her a bill every month.

If it were me, I'd put a time limit on it too. You aren't doing her any favors by constantly being her back up plan. She needs a not so gentle nudge to get her act together. All parties will be happier in the long run if she can get stuff together and start living her own life instead of being a leech in yours.

You are 100% right, suprisingly enough DH suggested that i write everything down too.

char-char · October 2009

ibfloridagirl:
char-char:
ibfloridagirl:
i feel stuck, if i say no it will create more problems between DH and i, if she comes it will create problems between DH and i. I just suck at saying no
Maybe spinning it off as it being an added stress on your already stressful relationship would be a way to help convince him that it will only cause additional harm and wouldn't likely be the thing that his sister really needs in order to get her life back together either. Would he even acknowledge the fact that it will likely cause further damage to your relationship having to deal with unnecessary drama and stress caused by someone who quite honestly, doesn't need to be there?

DH gets very defensive when it comes to his sister, admittedly i am not an easy person to live with (i am the queen of passive agressive) and DH is very quick to point out that if i were more understanding and patient there wouldn't be an issue. Example: When we were talking a few minutes ago about her coming back i said that he would HAVE to talk to her about certain things (like no nasty panties on the gd bathroom floor because that pisses me off, she is 31 years old, time to be a big girl and clean up after yourself) and he said he would but he made sure to add that i needed to chill out on a lot of stuff and not be so bitchy towards her. It's almost always my fault because i need to be the bigger person.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but just seems to me like you've already done this before and it was a disaster. Now I am confused because you are taking the blame for everything, basically saying that it's almost always your fault because you need to be the bigger person? And that your husband is very quick to point out your faults and that if you were more understanding and patient it wouldn't be an issue. That doesn't sound right either....doesn't he say the same thing about the problems you have had in your own relationship? I mean, do you really feel like it's all you and not her or not him? I'm sorry, I don't want to come across like I am questioning you or like a total b, but I just feel like now you are defending both your DH and your SIL and taking fault when that's not the case. And yes, you should be able to have guidelines of what to expect from her when she is living in YOUR home. I wouldn't want a total slob living in my house either and it's not much to ask to give someone guidelines to which you expect them to live by if they expect you to put them up in YOUR home. Otherwise they can stay somewhere else. I agree that you also need to put a time limit on how long she can stay and give her a list of expenses that she needs to contribute to while she is there as well.

bnljane1988 · October 2009

Couple of questions:

1. Why does she need to come stay with you? (where is she living now?)

2. What happened last time? (What were the circumstances surrounding when she moved out?.....was she asked to, did she leave on her own accord? etc.)

3. Can she help out financially? (Does she have a job?)

4. Do you trust her with Ike? (Can she babysit?....I don't know your personal employment sitch right now.....are you working? Will this help save on child care?)

5. Does you DH realize what a problem her living there was the first time? if so, why on earth would he allow it again?

ibfloridagirl · October 2009

bnljane1988:

Couple of questions:

1. Why does she need to come stay with you? (where is she living now?)

SIL is lacking social skills, i really don't know how else to put it, she is not really mentally challenged, but she has some issues (she's never been diagnosed with anything, but something is not quite right). So she functions, but she could never live on her own, she gets taken advantage of often. IL's are awful people that constantly tell her (and everyone else) that she's stupid/retarded and that she (and DH) don't really "count" since they were adopted; they take advantage of her too.

Right now she is in AZ; she moved out there to live with internet boyfriend (who suprise suprise took advantage of her), so she has been staying with a girl friend in AZ (long story, but she knew this girl in FL and has been her friend/girlfriend on and off for several years, this "friend" takes advantage of her too).

2. What happened last time? (What were the circumstances surrounding when she moved out?.....was she asked to, did she leave on her own accord? etc.)

SIL lived with us for a couple months and drove me BSC. It's easier to just check out my blog, lol. www.rhirantings.blogspot.com

3. Can she help out financially? (Does she have a job?)

Supposedly she has a job back at Long Johns Silver, but i have a feeling she is lying again. I mentioned this to DH and he is going to call to make sure she has a job, otherwise no she can not come, we flat out can not afford to take her in.

4. Do you trust her with Ike? (Can she babysit?....I don't know your personal employment sitch right now.....are you working? Will this help save on child care?)

She is really good with children because she is very naive/childlike, and i DID leave ike with her for a while, but i don't feel comfortable doing it anymore. Because she is childlike, it's kinda like a 12 year old babysitting; she wouldn't change his diaper as soon as it was dirty, she would wait for her TV show to be off, stuff like that. I am also not willing to look for another job knowing that the likelihood of me needing to quit because she's decided to move in with this guy or that girl, is very high - i hate disappointing people and when she left last time with little notice i let down several people and it literally made me sick with anxiety.

5. Does you DH realize what a problem her living there was the first time? if so, why on earth would he allow it again?

because it's his sister and i need to learn to just not let her get to me because it's "just the way she is"

ibfloridagirl · October 2009

char-char:
I'm not trying to be harsh, but just seems to me like you've already done this before and it was a disaster. Now I am confused because you are taking the blame for everything, basically saying that it's almost always your fault because you need to be the bigger person? And that your husband is very quick to point out your faults and that if you were more understanding and patient it wouldn't be an issue. That doesn't sound right either....doesn't he say the same thing about the problems you have had in your own relationship? I mean, do you really feel like it's all you and not her or not him? I'm sorry, I don't want to come across like I am questioning you or like a total b, but I just feel like now you are defending both your DH and your SIL and taking fault when that's not the case. And yes, you should be able to have guidelines of what to expect from her when she is living in YOUR home. I wouldn't want a total slob living in my house either and it's not much to ask to give someone guidelines to which you expect them to live by if they expect you to put them up in YOUR home. Otherwise they can stay somewhere else. I agree that you also need to put a time limit on how long she can stay and give her a list of expenses that she needs to contribute to while she is there as well.

i don't know why i defend him so much, although i think it has a lot to do with the fact that i KNOW i am being stupid and i don't people to think i am even more stupid. The problems in our relationship are both of our faults, honestly my DH is a serious jerk, he's very self centered, however i've allowed it for several years and now that i am annoyed and fed up with it i feel like i can't really place all the blame on his doorstep if that make sense. 75% of the time i want to leave, i really do. It is getting better, it used to be 90%. I actually wrote out a pros and cons list (i am a list dork) and right now the pros for staying outweigh the cons, sadly a lot of that has to do with finances.

Shan_te_xas · October 2009

I recall the situation last time; feel free to run away to my house if you need to, hon!

WyWysMommy · October 2009

Here is what you need to do.

Write up a contract with what she will need to do. I.E. how much utilities she will need to pay for, what % of groceries she needs to contribute to, and her chores weekly, such as laundry, dusting/vacuuming her roomand at least, and picking up after herself, and whatever other chores you think she should help out with. Have her sign and date it, and tell her if she breaks the contract she is out, no ifs and or buts about it. You and DH should sign it too. 3She must maintain a job at all times while living there. If she is fired or quits she has 1 week to find a new job, or else she is out. This contract basically needs to set up all guidelines you want her to follow. Be strict and make sure you put every little detail in it. Like no nasty panties on the floor, no wet towels, etc.

As for the job thing. Has she ever had her IQ tested. My sister is borderling retarded, her iq is about 58. Because of this I think it was the Job Corp basically paid for her to take child care classes at the local tech school (this is up in Tulsa, not sure how TX works). And then she was assigned a job coach and they found her a job working at a church nursery/preschool Sunday, Mon, and Tues mornings and Wed nights. She could work full time there but it would decrease her SS pay or something, not sure exactly why, my grandparents are her care takers right now.

What my point is though, could she somehow take some classes at a local tech school. It sounds like something she needs. Plus she could get a job in a setting where she wasn't in charge of kids, but could be like an asst. Its just an idea.

Good Luck!

jamie5315 · October 2009

I'm sorry! We actually had to turn my husband's sister down once. It was a really hard decision to make.

Fall_Bride2004 · October 2009

I think this sounds like a problem that could continue to crop up. If there is any way, I would try to get her diagnosed and see if there is any help out there for her, like maybe a group home with supervision or counseling or something. Maybe there are classes. She could possibly have fetal alcohol syndrome or something like that also.

Anyway, a diagnosis could open up some possibilities for a pathway for help getting her on her own and being responsible. It could be expensive to get the diagnosis, but there may be agencies that could help with that. It might be less expensive than the future problems that may come up if this continues to crop up.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this and hope things get better.

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