"good boy/ girl" vs. "bad boy/ girl"

Re: "good boy/ girl" vs. "bad boy/ girl"

• danandkelly

  October 2009

  I don't say "Bad girl" but I do sometimes say "good girl" for things.  When she does something "bad" I just talk to her about the action, and usually tell her it mad me sad...cause it's usually hitting at this point.

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• SweetieP

  October 2009

  I try to use the words "nice" or "not nice" but not in relationship to THEM as a person.  More about their actions.  "It's not nice to hit"...vs  "You're not nice."  or if they're doing something "dangerous" I just tell them that mommy doesn't want them to do it because it's DANGER.     My husband used to use the BAD boy/GOOD boy thing and he got scolded by me constantly - he doesn't do it anymore.
  

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• eastbaygirl

  October 2009

  I sometimes use it...it just comes out of my mouth.  I'm working on being specific about what I want him to do/not do instead of using good/bad but it's hard - harder than I would have thought.

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• KellyMRocks

  October 2009

  I voted sometimes. I never tell grey he is a bad boy. I do say things like, "That isn't how nice boys act" or "that is how bad boys act" I dont do it often and i try to refrain but sometimes when im heated it is hard.
  

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• RevJG

  October 2009

  I don't 'think' I have ever used 'bad girl' but I know I have told her she is a 'good girl' before--usually in reference to when she eats a decent meal.  I am currently reading an interesting book called 'Nurture Shock' and there is a chapter on how generalized praise can actually be detrimental, and instead of saying things like 'you are such a good girl' it is more beneficial to say things like 'you are a great avocado eater tonight' etc. I am definitely more conscious of it and it is tough.
  

  

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• AnyaBella

  October 2009

  I answered based on what I did as a teacher (hope that's ok) and based on what I *think* I'll do as a mom.

  I think positive reinforcement is key.  That said  I try to avoid the whole good girl/boy thing because it kind of implies that their behavior directly impacts them and their worth.  I prefer to directly acknowledge the behavior instead i.e., "I love how nicely you are sitting" "good job putting all the toys away" etc.

  I don't think I would say "bad girl/boy" either.  I usually just told them their behavior was inappropriate and why.  I've seen kids who have the whole "bad kid" thing so deeply engrained within them that when you try to constructively tell them how to correct their behavior they break down and all they can focus on is how they are bad. 

  (I do not think occasionally saying "bad gir/boy" will seriously damage a child, I'm just speaking of those who hear it all the time and it completely understandable that an adult might occasionally find themselves saying it).
  

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• SweetieP

  October 2009

  RevJG:

  I don't 'think' I have ever used 'bad girl' but I know I have told her she is a 'good girl' before--usually in reference to when she eats a decent meal.  I am currently reading an interesting book called 'Nurture Shock' and there is a chapter on how generalized praise can actually be detrimental, and instead of saying things like 'you are such a good girl' it is more beneficial to say things like 'you are a great avocado eater tonight' etc. I am definitely more conscious of it and it is tough.
  

  This is actually a foundational principle in supervisory/management development.  It talks about how to give good feedback vs "bad" feedback.  If you are just saying "good job" or "good girl/boy" they don't necessarily know what they've done that's "good".    Being specific leaves no room for doubt.
  

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• EmmieB member

  October 2009

  I'm special because my little boy is still in utero -- a place where good/bad don't apply.

  I can see myself using these phrases, though. I feel like they apply towards conscious intent rather than behavior - a good boy is one who means well, a bad boy is one who doesn't. That sort of thing. 

  For the situation you described, that might have been behavior related *or* the mom could have spent the last forty minutes explaining why we don't reach out of the cart seat (it's dangerous, it's dirty, it's irritating, whatever) and what you witnessed was his pushing boundaries and mom at the end of her rope. Not that I'm saying you were judging, just trying to spin it so she seems like less of a hag.

  I don't think kids can be "bad" or "good" just like I don't think infants can be spoiled. 

   

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• spicy-mustard

  October 2009

  I don't ever call Owen a bad boy, but I do say "be a good boy" if I'm leaving him with a babysitter.

  

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• tri_bride05

  October 2009

  I have never used "bad boy" and feel pretty strongly about not using that term. In the heat of the moment, I focus on the behavior "it hurts the kitty when you pull her tail; that is not nice". I try, try, try not to use "good boy" either, but that is much harder for me (and DH is even worse about it). I have taken a couple of parenting classes and they strongly discourage use of unspecific external praise because your child will come to expect that and not feel good about accomplishments without it. I don't know if that makes sense - there is a far better way to explain this and it goes more in depth, but I am really sleep deprived at the moment. If you are interested I could probably reference a couple experts on this topic. At any rate, when M does something good that is a behavior we've been working on, for example, helping me clean up, I say "thank you", but not "good boy". If he pets the kitty gently I say "the kitty really likes it when you pet her gently".

  

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• tri-reader

  October 2009

  We say good girl quite often but bad girl very rarely so I voted for often.  Actually today DH said that to her, she was being very bad at the time, whining, complaining while we were on a preschool tour as well as hitting.  But we phrased it as you are being a bad girl right now.
  

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• everydayeve

  October 2009

  We don't say "bad girl" but we often say "good girl" or "good job" as an encouragement. Sometimes it backfires though. For example, when we taught her to say "please" and she'd say it, we'd tell her "good girl/good job". Now when we ask her to say "please" she says "please, good girl, good girl". It's adorable, but she totally thinks it's supposed to be attached to please.

  

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• MrsEmm

  October 2009

  I try to not say either - but they randomly spew out anyhow. Its annoying.?

  
  

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• JustK

  October 2009

  I say never but it's a learned skill-- I have to correct my mom too.  When he does something great, it doesn't make him a "good boy"-- he just did a "good job".  When I'm really upset, I will say "D...behave!"  I say, "Calma" (portuguese) or "settle down" instead of "be quiet".   It's worked to our advantage though-- he always yells, "Good job!" whenever he is happy with something someone has done and when it is an adult, he always gets a resounding "thank you!" which also makes him happy.
  

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