insecure much?

DREWLILY · October 2009

I don't know why anything that BM does surprises me but sometimes she just doesn't cease to amaze me, I swear. On her own daughter's classroom website, she wants to be nasty to DH and I.

I'm a member of the classroom website, that's a place where you can see pics of the kids at school and see what they are learning and talk to other parents, etc. My screen name is Mrs.LastName, and I have a brief bio up of where I'm from, where I went to school since I grew up in this town, something about SD's father and I being excited for the school year and how much SD has been learning and how happy we are. BM added herself to the site a week ago, as her first name and Dh's (my DH, her ex) last name, then she changed her screen name to be SD's Mommy so that everyone was sure to know that she was SD's mom and not me. She has a real issue with me even being in SD's life.

So today, she adds a little bio stating that she is SD's real mom and that I'm listed below her on the member list and that I'm DH's 4th wife and that now she has finally married a great man that she trusts completely and he's a great father to SD, blah blah blah then she pretty much repeated exactly what I said about how much SD was learning and then she added in there that she and her new husband are the only ones that do her homework every night with her and read to her every night, etc.

Really? Really this seems like an appropriate place to attack us? Geez!

odear · October 2009

Print a screen shot, and into the documentation!

lampkins · October 2009

OMG!!! She is nuts. I'm pretty sure the other parents reading that are like WTF! Make sure you print a copy of for your file. Geez some people.

DREWLILY · October 2009

odear:
Print a screen shot, and into the documentation!

already did! We have our 2nd meeting with the custody evaluator next week, so I'll bring it with me!

hterry85 · October 2009

If I were another parent reading that I would be thinking that she is a nut!! ...Oh wait...lol

mom2one · October 2009

eh...I think she is a nut but I also think you didn't need to do a biography just to see the pics. You ARE the stepmom...she is the mom. Why interject yourself?

DREWLILY · October 2009

mom2one:
eh...I think she is a nut but I also think you didn't need to do a biography just to see the pics. You ARE the stepmom...she is the mom. Why interject yourself?

I realize what my role is in SD's life and I don't really see myself as 'interjecting', I would call it more taking an active interest in SD's education. I'm not her bio parent so I can't be a member on her classroom website? There is more than just pictures on there. DH and I decided to put me on there because I'm the one online way more than he is, I don't see what the problem is with me saying who I am and what schools I went to. Would you or someone else feel better if it was DH's name/bio and not mine on the website and I'm still the one logging in to view the page?

And Tifanico, she already did the My space thing so I deleted my page.

ScissorTailedFlycatcher · October 2009

DREWLILY:
mom2one:
eh...I think she is a nut but I also think you didn't need to do a biography just to see the pics. You ARE the stepmom...she is the mom. Why interject yourself?
I realize what my role is in SD's life and I don't really see myself as 'interjecting', I would call it more taking an active interest in SD's education. I'm not her bio parent so I can't be a member on her classroom website? There is more than just pictures on there. DH and I decided to put me on there because I'm the one online way more than he is, I don't see what the problem is with me saying who I am and what schools I went to. Would you or someone else feel better if it was DH's name/bio and not mine on the website and I'm still the one logging in to view the page??
And Tifanico, she already did the My space thing so I deleted my page.

I wholeheartedly agree with you, Drew. You weren't implying that you were SD's BM. And even if you were, there are more appropriate ways to handle this situation. Like, "Hey, could you mention that you are her SM for clarification?" So simple... not "Let's bash her to make myself look better," even though that seemed to work against her favor.

My thoughts on the SM getting involved is that as long as you aren't going against what DH says, why couldn't you get involved. If a SM gets involved and only creates yet another headache for the teacher, then yeah, step back. You have every right to know what is going on and be involved.

And I'm glad you documented this. Judges don't look happily on libel. She isn't even doing it in an anonymous forum. Nut job.....?

luckyangel · October 2009

I don't think you're out of line to have a bio. You're active in your SD's life and people should be thankful for that not look down on you for it. You could just not give a s h i t about her.

As for BM, that's insanely childish and only makes her look like an a-hole. Definitely bring it up to the custody evaluator. It shows once again how unstable she is.

That said, I know how much that sucks to deal with. You try to do what's right for the kid, you try to keep your mouth shut about BM and you get attacked in the most inappropriate places. Turning the other cheek gets old, but it always comes down to what is best for the kids and unfortunately for your sanity-that's almost ALWAYS being the bigger person and ignoring the attacks. GL

J&A2008 · October 2009

mom2one:
eh...I think she is a nut but I also think you didn't need to do a biography just to see the pics. You ARE the stepmom...she is the mom. Why interject yourself?

Because of course SD's schoolwork should suffer just so SM doesn't step on BM's toes by "interjecting herself" and showing an interest in SD's academics.

Grow up.

mom2one · October 2009

J&A2008:
mom2one:
eh...I think she is a nut but I also think you didn't need to do a biography just to see the pics. You ARE the stepmom...she is the mom. Why interject yourself?

Because of course SD's schoolwork should suffer just so SM doesn't step on BM's toes by "interjecting herself" and showing an interest in SD's academics.

Grow up.

Where the SM went to school is completely irrelevant to SD's education...there is no way SD.'s schoolwork would suffer if, *gasp* her actual DAD had gone on and made his bio and gotten involved.

J&A2008 · October 2009

mom2one:
J&A2008:

mom2one:
eh...I think she is a nut but I also think you didn't need to do a biography just to see the pics. You ARE the stepmom...she is the mom. Why interject yourself?

Because of course SD's schoolwork should suffer just so SM doesn't step on BM's toes by "interjecting herself" and showing an interest in SD's academics.

Grow up.

Where the SM went to school is completely irrelevant to SD's education...there is no way SD.'s schoolwork would suffer if, *gasp* her actual DAD had gone on and made his bio and gotten involved.

True. SM should hide in a corner and not talk about herself, especially to other parents! What might they conclude? That SM loves the SD? Is an involved parent? For shame! Naughty SM!

ScissorTailedFlycatcher · October 2009

J&A2008:
mom2one:
J&A2008:

mom2one:
eh...I think she is a nut but I also think you didn't need to do a biography just to see the pics. You ARE the stepmom...she is the mom. Why interject yourself?
Because of course SD's schoolwork should suffer just so SM doesn't step on BM's toes by "interjecting herself"?and showing an interest in SD's academics.
Grow up.
?
?
Where the SM went to school is completely irrelevant to SD's education...there is no way SD.'s schoolwork would suffer if, *gasp* her actual DAD had gone on and made his bio and gotten involved.?
True.? SM should hide in a corner and not talk about herself, especially to other parents!? What might they conclude?? That SM loves the SD?? Is an involved?parent?? For shame!? Naughty SM!

She would give SMs a bad name! We should put a stop to this before people start getting the idea that SMs can love and care for children that don't carry their genetic make up!?

DREWLILY · October 2009

mom2one:
Where the SM went to school is completely irrelevant to SD's education...there is no way SD.'s schoolwork would suffer if, *gasp* her actual DAD had gone on and made his bio and gotten involved.

I included where I went to school because I grew up in this city and went to school here so I shared that info. As a BM is it offensive to you to know where I went to grade school and high school? SD's dad and I are a team, we're partners, I happen to be the one who spends all day online (for work) so we decided I would put my name on the site. SD's dad is completely involved, my name is on the website, that's it. He talks to the teacher, goes to school open houses, he helps SD with her homework, reads to her, etc. And *gasp* so do I, oh no!

DREWLILY · October 2009

J&A and Shorty, LOL! Yes

mom2one · October 2009

DREWLILY:
mom2one:
Where the SM went to school is completely irrelevant to SD's education...there is no way SD.'s schoolwork would suffer if, *gasp* her actual DAD had gone on and made his bio and gotten involved.

I included where I went to school because I grew up in this city and went to school here so I shared that info. As a BM is it offensive to you to know where I went to grade school and high school? SD's dad and I are a team, we're partners, I happen to be the one who spends all day online (for work) so we decided I would put my name on the site. SD's dad is completely involved, my name is on the website, that's it. He talks to the teacher, goes to school open houses, he helps SD with her homework, reads to her, etc. And *gasp* so do I, oh no!

I don't have much respect for dads who turn over the parenting and being involved to their wives, who may or may not be around for the duration of the kid's childhood. If it works for you, fine...but I am glad that ex, despite his hundreds of flaws, doesn't let his girlfriend pretend to be the mom while he sits back and does nothing.

ScissorTailedFlycatcher · October 2009

mom2one:
DREWLILY:
mom2one:
Where the SM went to school is completely irrelevant to SD's education...there is no way SD.'s schoolwork would suffer if, *gasp* her actual DAD had gone on and made his bio and gotten involved.?
I included where I went to school because I grew up in this city and went to school here so I shared that info. As a BM is it offensive to you to know where I went to grade school and high school? SD's dad and I are a team, we're partners, I happen to be the one who spends all day online (for work) so we decided I would put my name on the site. SD's dad is completely involved, my name is on the website, that's it. He talks to the teacher, goes to school open houses, he helps SD with her homework, reads to her, etc. And *gasp* so do I, oh no!
?
I don't have much respect for dads who turn over the parenting and being involved to their wives, who may or may not be around for the duration of the kid's childhood. If it works for you, fine...but I am glad that ex, despite his hundreds of flaws, doesn't let his girlfriend pretend to be the mom while he sits back and does nothing.

Drew's DH is not taking a back seat. Her presence in an online forum is hardly taking over the parenting. If he were online or was as well versed in online communication as Drew, then maybe he would also create a profile or do that instead. But maybe he's like my DH who doesn't even remember the password to his email. Their household deserves to be represented without forcing DH to communicate in a way that may be difficult for him. She isn't pretending to be DH.

I, for one, do the communicating with SKs teachers. It's because I have more time and better communication skills. That doesn't mean that my DH is any less involved in them personally or even with the direct communication to the teachers. I get his opinions and form a mutually agreed upon email. The teachers don't mind; we're both involved; the SKs feel loved and cared for. If BM had a problem with that, we would then talk about it. But all of this in no way means that us SMs are hijacking the parental control or that our DH's aren't involved.?

taagent · October 2009

Who says Drew's DH does nothing? God forbid more than two people be involved in a child's life! I

think that is a load of crap quite honestly. But then again you have made it clear that no one but bio mom and dad should have any kind of relationship or be a parental figure because someone might step on your toes!

What are you really afraid of? That SM will be more involved, have a better relationship than you do with your child? Oh, wait of course not because you will make it CLEAR that no other person has ANY input. So I suppose your DH if you have one or will ever get one will take a completely hands off approach and not say a damn word . He wont be involved in his sk's life. If that works for you yippee. But don't pawn your views that no one else can live up to the MOM, on the rest of us.

DREWLILY · October 2009

mom2one:

I don't have much respect for dads who turn over the parenting and being involved to their wives, who may or may not be around for the duration of the kid's childhood. If it works for you, fine...but I am glad that ex, despite his hundreds of flaws, doesn't let his girlfriend pretend to be the mom while he sits back and does nothing.

I'm not his girlfriend, I'm his wife and you're assuming you know how my DH handles his daughter's education and her parenting just because my name is on the teacher's website and not his. Wow, are you way off base. My post was on how ridiculous BM is being trying to start drama on her child's school website just because I'm on there, my post was not about which parent takes a more active role in SD's education. If you want to launch a rant about how BD's don't take enough interest in their child's life then do it in your own post and don't lump my DH in that category.

Michael_Hunter · October 2009

There is so much wrong going on here...where to start..

1. So BM is wrong to make the classroom website a battle ground. That can only hurt her DD

2. Drewlily is wrong for presenting herself as SD's mother. Yes, DL, that is how your post comes off, like you are her mother, which is a HUGE wrong in the SM handbook. If someone did that to me I wouldn't be insecure, I'd be STARK RAVING PISSED OFF. So you're wrong for writing up a profile like that on SD's website. You could be involved on the website and not in your face I'M MRS LILY. You made SD's website about you, which smacks of insecurity of your own, and immaturity as well.

3. Are you really your DH's Fourth wife??? Cause MAJOR side eye at a fourth wife when he's in his thirties. Gives a texture to this situation....

4. It is telling you only have a blinky for that one SD.

5. I think all three of you could use co-parenting classes.

mom2one · October 2009

omg...the 4th wife? Give me a break...how many more Mrs Lilys will there be in SD's life? If I was the 4th wife I would be keeping my last name to avoid having to change it back later. lol

DREWLILY · October 2009

Michael_Hunter:

There is so much wrong going on here...where to start..

1. So BM is wrong to make the classroom website a battle ground. That can only hurt her DD

2. Drewlily is wrong for presenting herself as SD's mother. Yes, DL, that is how your post comes off, like you are her mother, which is a HUGE wrong in the SM handbook. If someone did that to me I wouldn't be insecure, I'd be STARK RAVING PISSED OFF. So you're wrong for writing up a profile like that on SD's website. You could be involved on the website and not in your face I'M MRS LILY. You made SD's website about you, which smacks of insecurity of your own, and immaturity as well. I'm not insecure and I do not feel that I'm immature (although I'm sure I have my moments!), and I did not try to pass myself off as SD's mom on the classroom website. All of the parents on the website are Mrs. LastName, and so I followed suit with the naming convention, I never claimed to be SD's BM, in fact, my bio says the opposite. My bio looks like most of the other parents on the site, little bit about their education, where they have lived or where they grew up, some put what they do for a living, etc.

3. Are you really your DH's Fourth wife??? Cause MAJOR side eye at a fourth wife when he's in his thirties. Gives a texture to this situation.... Yep I am. DH is nearly 40 and he has his reasons for 4 marriages and if I'm ok with his past then I don't need to justify to anyone. Not trying to be snarky, that's just how I feel about it.

4. It is telling you only have a blinky for that one SD. It shouldn't be telling, I already explained my relationship with DH's eldest, I am still getting to know her and have only seen her twice in the year DH and I have been married. I don't feel like a SM to her at this point, I'm more of a friend to her and I'm building a closer relationship with her.

5. I think all three of you could use co-parenting classes. I would be fine with that.

Michael_Hunter · October 2009

The naming convention was for the mothers of the children, not the stepmothers. You overstepped your bounds on this one, and you want to fight it tooth and nail to prove how "not wrong" you are.

I already said BM was wrong using the SD's class site as a platform to get to you, but ironically you are doing the same thing. Maturity would be NOT staking that claim in the first place.

Like it or not, it's NOT your place to do all the parent stuff for SD. By all means have a presence there to see what she's up to in class, but you overstepped and I understand, not condone but understand BM's reaction.

hterry85 · October 2009

This isn't directed at any post in particular, just putting in my opinions...

1. Drew can't put on the school bio info related to education...on the school bio...but BM can talk about her ex's other marriage(s)...on the school bio... (catching my point?)

2. "...he's a great father to SD..." Wait, wait, wait. He can be a father to SD, but Drew can't be a mother? Now I'm confused...

Seriously, I think (some) SMs are screwed either way. If she got and here and posted about how she got a letter something about joining this school website and was complaining saying its not my kid why should I do it, make her mom do it...she'd get slammed for that instead.

That's all.

DREWLILY · October 2009

mom2one:
omg...the 4th wife? Give me a break...how many more Mrs Lilys will there be in SD's life? If I was the 4th wife I would be keeping my last name to avoid having to change it back later. lol

That's a rude thing to say but you're entitled to your own ignorant opinion. There haven't been 4 women in SD's life, her BM was DH's 3rd wife. I guess it's ok that BM has been engaged countless times after the divorce and made SD call all of them 'daddy'. Of course that's ok, it would seem that in your mind, BM's can do no wrong, ever, only SM's and BD's.

mom2one · October 2009

If you are ok with being number 4, that's fine...but I certainly wouldn't be ok with that. How many times has he said 'til death do us part'? Sloppy seconds only gets you halfway there. Ick.

DREWLILY · October 2009

Michael_Hunter:

Drewlily,

do you honestly think it's be accident you have all these problems? Your DH isn't good at pickin wives...

I won't argue that DH has some mistakes in his past. I'm divorced too, so I've got mistakes as well. Ok not as many as DH but I accept his past for what it is. And I'm pretty confident that there are people on this board who have been married more than twice. And putting forth just a little more confidence, I feel like I'll be the last wife, maybe that's a foolish thought in some of your eyes, but I wouldn't have gotten married if I thought we would get divorced.

Michael_Hunter · October 2009

1. Drew can't put on the school bio info related to education...on the school bio...but BM can talk about her ex's other marriage(s)...on the school bio... (catching my point?) Neither one was right. Just because BM was wrong, doens't mean DL gets to be wrong, too. That is a foolish arguement.

2. "...he's a great father to SD..." Wait, wait, wait. He can be a father to SD, but Drew can't be a mother? Now I'm confused... Well, Drew isn't her mother, she's her stepmother. Her 2nd stepmother? or 3rd stepmother?

And yes, it's the prickly position of the stepparent to be a parent and yet not a parent. It's a tightrope that SM's and SD's must walk. In this case, it failed. Nobody said it was fair, but DL signed up for this as a fourth wife of a man with 2 (?) kids.

DREWLILY · October 2009

mom2one:
If you are ok with being number 4, that's fine...but I certainly wouldn't be ok with that. How many times has he said 'til death do us part'? Sloppy seconds only gets you halfway there. Ick.

Sloppy seconds? Why are you so rude? Because I'm on my SD's school website??? And it only gets me halfway to where exactly?

DREWLILY · October 2009

Michael_Hunter:

2. "...he's a great father to SD..." Wait, wait, wait. He can be a father to SD, but Drew can't be a mother? Now I'm confused... Well, Drew isn't her mother, she's her stepmother. Her 2nd stepmother? or 3rd stepmother?

And yes, it's the prickly position of the stepparent to be a parent and yet not a parent. It's a tightrope that SM's and SD's must walk. In this case, it failed. Nobody said it was fair, but DL signed up for this as a fourth wife of a man with 2 (?) kids.

I'm her only SM, her BM was DH's 3rd wife. And I didn't complain or say it wasn't fair, I knew what I was getting into when I married DH, I was just venting on a board where I thought that was allowed

hterry85 · October 2009

mom2one:
If you are ok with being number 4, that's fine...but I certainly wouldn't be ok with that. How many times has he said 'til death do us part'? Sloppy seconds only gets you halfway there. Ick.

Correct me if I'm wrong (which I may be) but this is the assumption I'm making here....

You're on a BLENDED family bored, so you're in a blended family. I think that's an assumption anyone here would make. But wouldn't that mean that either

a. You're divorced/have children with someone other than your DH, making you "sloppy seconds" yourself?

or

b. Your DH is divorced/has children with someone other than you. Meaning...you've also got "sloppy seconds"

I'm honestly not trying to be mean or snarky, just don't think you need to be on such a high horse about it...

Michael_Hunter · October 2009

Here I am, on record, calling the sloppy seconds theory stupid. Actually, STOOPID.

But marrying 4 times shows before age 40 shows a history of poor decisions making or impulse control. It's not about sloppy seconds, LOL. I probably got mroe sloppy seconds that you, DL in college. Don't worry about that.

mom2one · October 2009

I was married before...but I have only been (and only will ever be) a 1st wife. There is no way on earth I would have touched a thrice divorced man with a 10 foot pole. And frankly I wouldn't be attempting to assert myself as ANYTHING in either SD's life or anywhere in DH's life as the 4th wife. That would be embarrassing and I suspect Drewlily feels the same way and that is why she is so intent on trying to make herself seem legitimate for SD.

sprky79 · October 2009

Both you and the biomom are wrong here, and kind of equally. Your bio, taken out of context, is perfectly innocent. But you are actively trying to paint yourself as the "better parent." and anythink you can do to move that along you seem to do. I think your biomom could show up right now, be perfectly acceptable, and you'd criticize her haircut if it was your only option. I think the biomom didn't need to air her dirty laundry like she did, but you have a role in this issue too, and you're not seeing it.

fellesferie · October 2009

If the naming convention on the website is Mr/Mrs LastName, and her name is Mrs LastName, why would it be appropriate for her to use something else? It's her name, it's not like she chose SDsMom or anything.

It seems really hard to say how things like this SHOULD be handled.. when in history have things like bios for parents/stepparents in online school-related forums ever been an issue before? There's not a lot of etiquette for these matters.

DREWLILY · October 2009

sprky79:
Both you and the biomom are wrong here, and kind of equally. Your bio, taken out of context, is perfectly innocent. But you are actively trying to paint yourself as the "better parent." and anythink you can do to move that along you seem to do. I think your biomom could show up right now, be perfectly acceptable, and you'd criticize her haircut if it was your only option. I think the biomom didn't need to air her dirty laundry like she did, but you have a role in this issue too, and you're not seeing it.

You're right, I don't see it. I wouldn't criticize BM for her haircut, what do I care how she cuts her hair? Actually I think BM has gorgeous hair, but that's not the point. I really don't see how I'm trying to paint myself as the better parent, I'm not sure where in my post I implied that but it wasn't intentional. I really don't see the problem with me being on SD's school website. Should the other step parents and even grandparents be removed from the website then? SD's teacher invited the families to be part of her website, I don't see why it's an issue.

DREWLILY · October 2009

Michael_Hunter:

a history of poor decisions making or impulse control.

I would agree with you there, his 2nd marriage was a quick trip to Vegas with a friend from years back, it was anulled the next week. I don't know if that makes it better or worse, but in my mind it makes it better, and I'm fine with that.

DREWLILY · October 2009

mom2one:
I was married before...but I have only been (and only will ever be) a 1st wife. There is no way on earth I would have touched a thrice divorced man with a 10 foot pole. And frankly I wouldn't be attempting to assert myself as ANYTHING in either SD's life or anywhere in DH's life as the 4th wife. That would be embarrassing and I suspect Drewlily feels the same way and that is why she is so intent on trying to make herself seem legitimate for SD.

Mom2One, I'm not sure why you've launched a personal attack on me because I'm on my SD's school website. Do you have a SM in your life you're angry with or something so you just take it out on me instead? I'm not embarrassed by anything I've done or said. And I don't need to make myself seem legit to SD, she knows who am I and she knows who her BM is, there is nothing to legitimize. I'm part of SD's life, end of story, I'm not trying to assert myself into her life, I AM in her life. I hope when you remarry (of course to someone who has never been married before) that you don't expect him to not talk to your child or love them or be any real part of their life, as you said, they shouldn't 'assert' themselves into a child's life if it isn't their child.

sprky79 · October 2009

DREWLILY:
sprky79:
Both you and the biomom are wrong here, and kind of equally. Your bio, taken out of context, is perfectly innocent. But you are actively trying to paint yourself as the "better parent." and anythink you can do to move that along you seem to do. I think your biomom could show up right now, be perfectly acceptable, and you'd criticize her haircut if it was your only option. I think the biomom didn't need to air her dirty laundry like she did, but you have a role in this issue too, and you're not seeing it.
You're right, I don't see it. I wouldn't criticize BM for her haircut, what do I care how she cuts her hair? Actually I think BM has gorgeous hair, but that's not the point. I really don't see how I'm trying to paint myself as the better parent, I'm not sure where in my post I implied that but it wasn't intentional. I really don't see the problem with me being on SD's school website. Should the other step parents and even grandparents be removed from the website then? SD's teacher invited the families to be part of her website, I don't see why it's an issue.

Because clearly I'm being literal here, gawd.

Look, you have nothing nice to say about the woman. Like, ever. Not just today. And yes, she's kind of wacko, and yes, woefully immature. But I think you're a little too overinvovled here.

Yes, your HUSBAND should have a profile, not you. Yes, your HUSBAND, should be communicating with the school, as opposed to you, and no, you really don't need a bio of your own. He's the parent, and while your dedication to your stepdaughter is admirable, you need to back off a bit. I am willing to bet if you did, biomom would probably simmer down a bit as well. And your husband needs to step up and stop passing the buck off on you.

Michael_Hunter · October 2009

Drewlily, do you really not see how you have a hand in anything here? You were agressive in your creation of a bio on the website. Sure, go on there and help SD, but by putting your business out there, YOU raised the ire of BM.

I can't imagine a SM having her detailed info on a bio in SD's class site. It's so narcissistic. Maybe that's the whole problem?

DREWLILY · October 2009

sprky79:

And your husband needs to step up and stop passing the buck off on you.

DH has not passed the buck off to me. I don't get that thought at all. He does talk to the teacher and attend the school's open houses, etc. I'm the one on the website and we log in and look at things together or he can log in whenever he feels like it and looks. I mean, really, I still don't see what the big deal is. And you're right, I don't think I've ever posted anything nice about BM, (I did compliment her hair though once!) when she does something nice, I'll be sure to post about it. She wouldn't 'simmer' down unless I wasn't in the picture. She treats DH's mom like this and she isn't on the school website. She treats DH like this and he's not on the school website either. If it's not this then it's something else.

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