s/o the second shift
kgb1411
member
Anyone else in the position that they are responsible for all of the housework, even if DH contributes to actually doing it?
I noticed a lot of women respond that their DH would do whatever was asked, and mine is that way too. Especially now that I am in my third trimester, he is probably doing close to 50% of childcare/housework even though he works longer hours. However, I have to ask for him to do it. For example, he will do a load of laundry if I ask, but if there are no clean clothes, that is my oversight. Same thing goes for grocery shopping, cooking, pedi appointments, thank you notes, general housecleaning, dishes, etc etc.
This morning he told me that we are out of coke. I texted him today to stop by the store and get some on his way home from work. He will, but he wouldn't have if I didn't ask. He would have just complained about being out of coke.
Anyone else in this boat? Any advice on how to get out of it?
Re: s/o the second shift
Actually, we have the opposite fight...round and round. I was raised in a household where caring for the home and children was the woman's responsibility and whatever the man did was "helping" out the woman with her work. This applied whether mom WOH or SAH. This was true of my parents and grandparents as well.
So, I feel solely responsible for the housework being completed. It's ultimately me that looks like a bad housekeeper if its not done, so it's on my shoulders. I mean, do you walk into someone's messy house and think "That husband is messy" or do you think "Wow, she's not a great housekeeper!"? Society hasn't come that far, after all! Ha!
My husband does not see things this way. His dad never did ANYTHING around the house even when his mom worked full-time. DH was a momma's boy to the core but that resulted in him seeing her frustration and never wanting me to feel that way. Now, he doesn't get stressed if stuff isn't done. If there's laundry unfolded, he could care less. He doesn't worry about floors not being vaccuumed. However, he DOES know what's important to me to get done and therefore does it most of the time without being asked. I learned to make a list of what I wanted done around the house and keep it on the fridge. He will happily pick up a task, without being specifically asked, and just do that.
In my mind though, I do consider everything he does around the house a favor for me. I can't seem to get out of that mindset. It will never seem like it is really just as much his responsibility. Though as long as I'm working full-time it is.
I think what you described in your post is the original core man. I don't think they're built the way we are. They can walk past a pile of laundry over and over again and not think to put it in the wash. Asking how to fix it is like asking for a cure for cancer - its complicated and may not happen in our lifetime.
But given that, keep doing what you're doing and assign him simple tasks that are his to keep. Like make him "soda guy" Tell him he's responsible for getting it, restocking it, etc and then never do his job for him. My DH (I've posted about this below) is trash and recycle guy. i couldn't tell you when the trash cans get put on the driveway because that's not my job.
I agree that when the house is a mess, I feel like it's my responsibility. I grew up with a SAHM and my dad literally never lifted a finger with chores like cooking, cleaning, or laundry....but he also worked three jobs so my mom could be home. So if I ask DH to help me out with laundry or dishes or dinner, I feel like that is a giant failure on my part to keep everything together; I know we both work, and we both contribute to running the house, but I still feel that a lot of it is "my" job to complete, and if DH helps out, it is a bonus, not a given.
That being said, my DH also is a gold star man; if he picks up his own shoes, he wants me to "notice" and praise him for helping out. Not gonna happen. If I come home from work on a Sunday morning and the house is not trashed and he managed to load the dishwasher, well, that is great and I will sometimes say how nice everything looks. If I come home and the house is a pigsty and there are dirty dishes/clothes/toys all over, he is likely to get the "look" and a wife with an attitude the rest of the day. My theory lately is to learn to let go of some of my demands and let him fend for himself....but it's hard. I expect our household to run the same whether I am home or not, and sadly, that is just not the case most of the time.
i agree with this. sounds like he is just being a man. i would be happy that he is not arguing with you and he just does it even though you have to say something.
Honestly, I don't care if I have to ask anymore. I've just gotten over it. He will gladly do whatever I ask and he doesn't plenty of other things on his own initiative that I overlook too (mostly outside the house). He has some daily duties that he does just fine and many days I will just give him his choice of whatever needs to be done and we split it.
I've also stopped enabling him. If we're going out and the kids have to be dressed and diaper bag packed, he knows what to do b/c I won't/can't do it all. If I say please pack the diaper bag, he doesn't have to ask what goes in it anymore b/c I made him figure it out himself a couple times.
I think this is a huge part of the problem. No one would ever say anything to him about the housekeeping. Also, he isn't blamed (or even contacted) if DS is in the wrong clothes for the weather, no one gets thank you notes after the wedding, daycare forms aren't filled out, we don't have a Christmas tree, his mom didn't get a birthday card, we didn't bring anything to the potluck, etc. You can hardly blame the man for thinking all of that stuff should be my responsibility.
I think that Carrie4g is right. This probably isn't going to change in my lifetime
No my husband in this department is stellar. He cleans the house. We argue because I don't help out. I hate cleaning and I never seem to be able to do it fast enough for him.
Figure out what you want from him, tell him and LET him do it.
With us my DH will tell me what he wants but if I don't act on it immediatly he'll do it himself.
This is us. My DH is a neat FREAK. His biggest worry every day is running out of time to do all of the chores he wants to do. I help out and do my fair share of course but he seems to invent things to do.
Throwing leaves