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GASuzuki
member
Long vent: Please give me some insight on how to be zen
GASuzuki
member
My mom had me at 41. This year she moved in with us to "help" with Quinn and so that she would not be living on her own. She is 75. She doesn't pay rent. She doesn't pitch in at all money wise except once a month she buys groceries for the week. We don't ask her to nor do we expect her to. After complaining about watching Quinn, we ended up making it so my mom doesn't have to watch her except on Mondays. Now she cooks twice to three times a week and does dishes.
Early last week I bought the jumbo sized Dawn dish soap. Saturday morning I noticed we had almost completely blown through it. I asked my mom, "Hey, Mom. This dish soap is supposed to last a month! What happened?" This blew up into a tirade against me to my DH while I was in the bathroom.
Sunday she didn't say anything and just moped around. This morning she sat there at the breakfast table angry. I asked her what was going on - I forgot about the dish soap thing already - she answered with "I woke up at 1 in the morning and couldn't get back to sleep." I was worried so I asked her why. GUESS WHY?! It was the GD dish soap. She said that because I complained, she thinks I am harboring bad feelings and that this "must go deeper." Are you kidding me?!
I spent an hour and a half of my morning having to discuss this with her. She went from sullen to moody to self-righteous to indignant to angry. She finally said, "Okay! That's enough of this! There's no more to be said about it!" She then acted like everything was fine.
But everything is not fine. I don't want to tiptoe around her and never say anything to her. I also didn't count on becoming her retirement home. At one point she tried to insinuate that I should do the dishes. I don't mind doing them once in a while, but to be honest, when she started doing the dishes, I felt a little less stressed about having her move in since she was at least trying to pitch in.
I'm just so tired. I'm only in my 30s and I feel like I am an old woman. Someone give me a mantra.
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Re: Long vent: Please give me some insight on how to be zen
I just wanted to say that a jumbo sized Dawn lasted us like a year or longer. LOL Maybe I didn't use enough.
I don't really know what to tell you. I am kind of dreading living with my parents, but wouldn't be surprised if it happens in the near future. It makes me shudder to just think about it.
Sorry, don't have a mantra. Just try to remember that it's probably hard for her to be living with you and feeling like roles are reversed. She never had to answer to you before. Just try to be patient with her and keep the lines of communication open. And remember, there of those of who don't have mothers that would love to be in your position.
This too shall pass.
That is really sweet of you to have your mom live with you. That is more than I could ever stand, as much as I love my mom.
However, she's your mom. If you can't tell her the truth, who can you tell? Don't let your resentments bottle up. Living together like that, you have to be able to talk freely, otherwise it will drive you completely BSC. In the end, it's just soap. I guess you may have to pick your battles depending on her temperament.
Did you discuss expectations, etc. w/ your mom before she moved in? Is is possible she has some mental health issues? That sounds like she's got some "deeper" issues to me. Is the plan for her to live w/ you for the rest of her life?
Also - I'd still be curious about WTH happened w/ the dish soap.
We did discuss expectations, but those fell by the wayside as she complained about aches and pains after watching Quinn for two weeks. When I asked her about whether she would help with dinner more often, she acted as though I was asking her to cook for an army. She tried to get out of it by saying, "Your husband won't like my cooking." I finally got her to doing it twice weekly.
It is possible there are mental health issues. She was a drinker and since moving in with me has not been able to indulge in any of that. She used to take anti-depressants after an issue with a former employer. And yeah, the plan was for her to live with me for the rest of her life.
The dish soap was used up by her. She said it wasn't good enough because it wasn't the blue version of the Dawn soap. Sigh...
God Bless You!
Just breathe. . . and seriously, is there anybody that can help w/ her - a sibling or hers or yours or a friend? Clearly, this living arrangement is not going to work long term.
I have a half sister who would love nothing better than to stir the pot more. She takes my mom for a week every three months. I've been contemplating calling her to try and get her to work with me on this, but I fear she will tell my mom who will def create more drama.
It's nice to have you guys to vent to... I think I'm gonna have to think hard about this. It's definitely not a simple solution.
First, I would find somewhere else for her to live? Does she have any sort of income? Look into retirement communities. They aren't nursing homes and she will be able to be with people her own age and just as grumpy
. Majority of them have a dining room where everyone eats so she wouldn't even have to cook.
If she doesn't have an income, talk to your half sister. You shouldn't have to try to make your mother happy when she is still a guest in your home.
I would just explain to her that you thought it would be helping her and you, for her to move in. It's obviously not. She doesn't seem happy and you're still paying for Q to go to a sitter.