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Attachment Parenting
Hates baby gates, closed doors, etc. Am I wrong? And vent.
OK, I may be wrong about how I'm handling this. Everyone I know thinks I am. And the more I think about it, the more I question myself. So...what do y'all think/do in this situation.
Jack HATES to be left alone. He plays well on his own, but doesn't want to be barricaded away (i.e. I can't leave him in his room or behind a baby gate, etc). He SCREAMS. Just can't stand it.
So, for the most part I don't.
Yesterday, we working in our front yard (my mom, DH and me). Jack was playing happily, but kept wandering off, so I kept chasing him. My mom and DH decided to get that giant baby gate/pen thing and stick him in it. He fussed for about 5 minutes and then screamed, so I got him out.
My mom (who is generally supportive) said that I'm spoiling him and that he just learned that screaming gets what he wants and that he needs to learn to play by himself (he DOES play by himself, just not when locked up). DH basically said fine, but I'm not holding him the rest of the day, you want him out, you deal with him. And he wouldn't. If I tried to hand him Jack, he'd step back and say no, I don't want to hold him.
ANyway, I get there point. It's hard to get things done when I'm constantly chasing him to keep him out of the road or the ants or the...whatever. On the other hand, I know I'D hate to be locked in a cage, even in viewing distance of my family.
Ok, so am I handling this wrong? If I am, please tell me. And please tell me what you do?
Thanks!
BFP 1/6/12
TTC#2 since June 2010
Diagnosed PCOS and started Metformin December 2011
DS1 - Jack 9/28/08
Birth Doula and ICAN Leader
DS1 - Jack 9/28/08
Birth Doula and ICAN LeaderThis discussion has been closed.
Re: Hates baby gates, closed doors, etc. Am I wrong? And vent.
Our entire first floor is baby proofed with a series of gates (supergates rock as barriers), closed doors and tot locks. Lily has free roam and follows me from room to room. When we are upstairs the gate at the top of the stairs is closed and I just close off the rooms that we are not in. I won't lie- sometimes it is a PITA when I am trying to load the dishwasher while she tries to climb in it, but that is just life with a toddler.
As for the back yard- I agree with the PP. Why don't you try to rig something temporary to block off the entire yard. Maybe some of that orange mesh stuff?
You just have to be creative.
Edit- as for your DH- you both need to understand that you can't expect your toddler to always work with your schedule- do what you want (or need) to do. You just going to have to figure out a way to get the stuff done (i.e. during nap time, have your child "help", etc.) that works for ALL of you. My DH has a problem with this concept sometimes, but is coming around.
He's still a baby! Of course he wants to be held! And of course he shouldn't be alone. Tell your mother at 10 months that my DD almost choked to death TWICE because I turned my back on her for a couple of seconds while she was playing indoors in our very clean house. (She had a way of finding 'stuff' to stick in her mouth. It was amazing.)
That little playpen probably felt like punishment to him. I wouldn't have liked it either.
Babies at this age need constant supervision and they still need a lot of holding. Period. My DD is over a year older than your little one, and still looooooves playing with me. I expect her to still love it at 4. And 6. And she'll still love it/need it beyond that. It just might look a little different.
Our houses may not be spotless and we may not be making gourmet meals 3 times a day but I think it's a small price to pay for well adjusted children.
The more I read and the older DD gets the more I'm convinced that trying to make these kids 'tough and independent' isn't the way to go. Give them what they need - love, attention, and play - and they'll naturally become independent AND well-adjusted. Kids who are forced to detach most often either end up sullen/withdrawn or aggressive.
I once heard a friend say this: "We're raising decent human beings. Not gladiators."
I, personally, view those play yards things as jails for babies.
I also think that by starting now to teach him that he can't run away you'll have less of a chance of him bolting at playgrounds, the mall, etc, when he's older.
GL!
NO you aren't wrong.
We basically never pen W. up. We have a gate on the stairs for safety, but he doesn't get locked behind a gate while we are on the other side of the gate.
Is it a pain soemtimes (all the time) yes. The only real way to contain him is to put him in his high chair with a tasty snack, which I do if I need to clean up something really nasty (like dog puke) or broken glass. Otherwise I just deal with it.
Now that he is 2 it is getting slightly easier to tell him not to go in teh road, etc. He is no where near 100% reliable, but it does start to get better.
We've found baby gates to be seriously lifesaving, but we do not expect DS to be contented to be left alone in room A while adults hang out in room B. The gate might keep him off the stairs, and prevent a power struggle, but it doesn't make him happy to be alone. Funnily, though, if he has options (if, say, I leave the gate between the kitchen and the living room open while I make dinner), he'll often choose to play by himself out of my sight... but that's only okay with him when he makes the choice. (NB - he's 2.5. When he was littler, he would basically cling to my ankles.)
I agree that it makes sense to block off the back yard if you want him to stay in it, because the play yard thing, where kid can watch as you walk around and do interesting stuff without him, is pretty unsatisfying to a small child. Or you could try a child harness to keep him reasonably near you but leave him some exploring room outside.
I don't know how old your son is, but one containment tactic that I have had a lot of success with is to give DS a "job" to do. Anything involving a broom will keep him happy for quite some time. He'll put sticks or pinecones in a bin or bag for disposal, and since he wants to run back and forth and do them one at a time, it keeps him busy and out of trouble almost infinitely. I've gotten pretty blase about dirt and ants (although if we had stinging ants around here, I'd get twitchy about them in a hurry). It's just important, when you step into an uncontained space with a toddler, to have a plan (and a backup plan) for the kid's entertainment, otherwise, things will not go well.
This. I sometimes leave DS gated in his room for a few seconds to run to the bathroom and plop his poop or something similar but beyond that it just seems strange to me to gate a child that age away from you. Babies and toddlers should be moving around and exploring and of course they need to be supervised!
Thanks, y'all! I just get told so often that he's "just being demanding" and that he HAS to learn to be alone, that I start thinking I must be wrong.
We have a baby gate blocking our stairs and foyer, which is good, and he doesn't mind, because if I go through it I take him. And he often chooses to play in a different room than me, as long as it's his choice and he can run back and check on me when he wants.
But when I try to put him in a baby cage (my name for the fence circle thing), or I close a door and leave him on the other side (to get laundry upstairs or some other quick purpose) he flips. It seems natural to me, but....
Ok, feeling validated really is all that matters:-)
Nope, I don't think you're handling it wrong at all. What you're doing is teaching your son that when he communicates that something feels wrong you are there to help, support him and keep him safe both emotionally and physically.
I would hate to be locked up too.
Stick to your instincts!
Joaquin's hospital and Isela's birth center med & intervention free "hypnobabies" birth stories
We totally call it the "baby jail"!
We only use the superyard thing for vacations and for blocking off the fireplace at my parents. When we put him in it one of us has to sit in it too or he will SCREAM.
James is getting better at playing alone and dealing wih closed doors. But it is a very slow process. For the most part we don't fence him in and just let him roam with us.
Your son is totally normal and not spoiled at all!