question for the SAHMs...

MaybeBabyTime · August 2009

My hours at work have been drastically cut. Im only working 2 days per week now. I have the most wonderful and understanding husband...but lately I don't like the way he acts/says things now that I am home more. We just moved intoa new construction home a week ago and I am getting settled. I have done mostly what I can on my own...the rest I need his help.

He gives me a verbal list of things to do when he goes to work. This morning I told him I was going to run to Target to get more storage units for the house and he said "Can you make me breakfast?". I was ANNOYED because he had been up for an hour or so and the minute I say I am going to do something....he asks me to make him breakfast. Sometimes I feel like he thinks Im a servant.

So...to all the SAHMs...how does your DH treat you? I may go back to work after baby for this reason. I get ticked when he thinks I dont do anything all day.

I won't tolerate being expected to make him breakfast every morning and dinner and do a verbal list of things once our baby gets here. Am I out of line?

mrsolsenk12 · August 2009

I would not tolerate that. I have been SAHM since DS was born and I NEVER make my DH breakfast. Now I do, do more housework than I did before. I try to do a basic cleaning once a week. I will also make dinner more often but my DH makes dinner some nights as well. You are not his servant and he should not treat you as such.

MayDayGirl · August 2009

I'm sorry! I would cringe if my DH did that.

My DH comes home and praises me for all the things I do around the house that he doesn't have time to do (and I need it, and I really appreciate that he does that). And the only thing he ever asks of me is to pick something up next time I grocery shop or go to target etc.

MaybeBabyTime · August 2009

mrsolsenk12:
I would not tolerate that. I have been SAHM since DS was born and I NEVER make my DH breakfast. Now I do, do more housework than I did before. I try to do a basic cleaning once a week. I will also make dinner more often but my DH makes dinner some nights as well. You are not his servant and he should not treat you as such.

He is so self-sufficient too.....it surprises me about his behavior lately. I will not tolerate it and I actually snapped today on the phone with him because he said "you need to call the Radon company...garage door company...dry wall company". I understand that if Im not working that I can help out more...but I'm insulted when he hands me a list. By the time he explains to me who I need to call and for what reason...he should just call himself.

krissyh21 · August 2009

I only work part time and have since we were married. My husband has never once treated me the way yours is, he still does his fair share around the house as well and makes ME breakfast.

Time for a sit down.

kittylove · August 2009

Just reading that made me cringe, I think I would throw the frying pan at DH if he asked me to make him breakfast when he had already been up for a while. I agree with pp it is time for a sit down talk. Your his partner, mother of his child and his wife not the maid, cook and errand boy.

BoxTer · August 2009

I SAH for a year and DH would never ask me to make him breakfast. He knew I had my hands full. He would ask me to pick up a few things from the store now and then but he never expected me to be at his beck and call and never made me feel like anything less than an equal. However, I didn't like the way I felt when I stayed at home and I was very happy to go back to work and I'm much happier being a working mom. I'd have a talk with your DH about this - it sounds like his image of what a SAHM actually does may not mesh with reality. It's not like it was on "Leave it to Beaver," lol.

DavezWife · August 2009

Davez definately has his moments where he plays the "well you stay home all day" card... we've talked about this (too much, really) and he admit comes from jealousy. He wants to stay home all day and play. Cuz that's what we do, you know. We play. We sit and eat bon bons and talk to our friends and play with babies. We never do any work. uuugggh.

I work one weekend a month just to keep him in check. And he's expected to do tthe dishes, have dinner ready, do something constructive with Ava (hardly what I do, just one thing, like the park,etc) ...

I suggest a "business meeting" (keep it factual, not an emotional-filled argument) with him, and make some decisions as to what's expected from both of you with the new arrangement. Maybe agree to make him breakfast on certain days, or have stuff pre-made for him to heat up... find his currency and what makes him tick and roll with that.

I don't blame you for being ticked. I've had my moments, too.

nicole&carl · August 2009

WOW! I would be annoyed too. My DH wants me to stay home with our DS, although I have been working from home for a few months. The only thing he really likes me to do is make him lunch, which I have no problem with. He would NEVER ask me to make him breakfast or expect me to. Being a mom is a full time job in itself!

mrsolsenk12 · August 2009

MaybeBabyTime:

mrsolsenk12:
I would not tolerate that. I have been SAHM since DS was born and I NEVER make my DH breakfast. Now I do, do more housework than I did before. I try to do a basic cleaning once a week. I will also make dinner more often but my DH makes dinner some nights as well. You are not his servant and he should not treat you as such.

He is so self-sufficient too.....it surprises me about his behavior lately. I will not tolerate it and I actually snapped today on the phone with him because he said "you need to call the Radon company...garage door company...dry wall company". I understand that if Im not working that I can help out more...but I'm insulted when he hands me a list. By the time he explains to me who I need to call and for what reason...he should just call himself.

Good for you! I don't mind doing somethings like that when I have time but he shouldn't give you a chore list. I was on bedrest for the last 8 weeks of my pregnancy and so even though i was home, I could do nothing. DH had to come home and do everything so maybe that helped him to understand. I will start working p/t in the evenings next week so when DH comes home he will have to spend the evening caring for DS without me here to help him. I think that once he has some time with him, he will understand what my days are like.

lckytabby3 · August 2009

I am not a SAHM yet but I wouldn't make DH breakfast. He is a big boy he can take care of that. I might do it sometimes to be nice or if I am making something I will make his as well. But I dont think he would ever expect it.

I had planned to have a general to do list on the fridge. I am big on list, I love to cross things off completed. So I guess if he needed me to do something he could put it on the list and I wouldn't mind. An every day run down of what I should do for the day would piss me off.

Maybe that written list would help you guys to. So it is not you need to do this today! but it would be nice if you could get the following things done at some point in time when you have a chance. Add him to the list to so if it is something you can't do either pregnant or with a little one around, he can pick that item up.

Hope that helps. Good luck.

My suggestion might be a dream world but I am going to give it a try.

Magoy · August 2009

My husband is totally supportive of me staying home and treats me very well. BUT - we have had to have a few talks. He likes to leave things laying around the house... will sometimes just get up from the table and leave his dishes there... ignore the trash piling up, etc. This drives me crazy because, and as I've told him, I feel like he expects me to pick up after him. And a time or two he's said "but you stay home all day, don't ride me about this." I just remind him that I don't go to HIS office and mess up HIS desk - don't mess up mine!

On the cooking - my husband doesn't cook. Period. I love cooking, so I don't mind. And I actually like that I can cook for him more now that I'm not working. He doesn't expect me to cook for him in the morning, but cooking at home at night is expected but by both of us. Part of the deal w/ me staying home is that we eat out less.

I think it's time you and your husband have a talk about BOTH of your expectations.

charmcitygirl · August 2009

DH has a responsibility to make money for our family, but that doesn't mean that his responsibility to be a good husband and father goes out the door. Taking care of a baby, especially a small baby, is hard work. My DH knows that and doesn't expect me to do anything for him. I like doing things for him and I really try to make his lunch and I do make dinner every night. He knows that things will get done around the house, despite having a high needs baby.

hannah&ben · August 2009

You are not out of line in the slightest.

My DH treats me the same way I treat him - with respect and kindness. We made the decision for me to SAH together and I deserve the same support and respect as he does for his job. That's the way we both see it... we both have jobs to do during the day mine is to lovingly care for our children and provide an environment that is safe and fosters learning. It takes hard work (arguably more than his job does Stick out tongue )

He absolutely does not give me a list of things to do! If there is something he would like me to do (say... pick up his dry-cleaning) It goes something like this: "Hannah, would it be possible for you do swing by the dry cleaners on your way back from the park today?" I have the choice to say yes or no... but when asked in a respectful way (not dictated) I have no problem doing things for him if I have the time and most of the time I do. Just like when I need him to do something for me... I ask nicely and 99% of the time it gets done.

We're not perfect though... we've just been together a long time.. enough time to work out the kinks and learn how to best communicate with eachother.

Does your DH know you don't like when he gives you lists of stuff to do? If you've never communicated that to him you can't expect him to know not to do it And telling him that it gets on your nerves in the middle of an argument doesn't count... men aren't good listeners when angry or agitated

LIAngel · August 2009

If my husband asked me to make him breakfast, I would take out a bowl pour some cereal in it and hand him a spoon. Then I'd ask him how much milk he wanted in it. If we had no cereal, I'd just laugh at him.

laura&dan05 · August 2009

I don't think either of you are out of line. You just have to find the middle ground where you are both happy. I cook DH breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day that he is here to eat those meals (we also go out to dinner 1-2 nights a week). I'm happy to do that for him and don't think it's a big deal. Together we make a list every week of the stuff that needs to get done and 95% of the things on the list are for me to take care of. I like SAH and taking care of my family. In turn DH is happy to give me a break on the weekends so I can get a pedi, have drinks with a friend, or just run errands. My point of view is that he's working out of the house to provide us with the lifestyle we enjoy and my "work" is to provide him with the things he needs to be able to work (meals, clean clothes, paying the bills, a reasonably clean house, etc.) I'm kind of old fashioned like that.

somethingchangd · August 2009

MayDayGirl:

I'm sorry! I would cringe if my DH did that.

My DH comes home and praises me for all the things I do around the house that he doesn't have time to do (and I need it, and I really appreciate that he does that). And the only thing he ever asks of me is to pick something up next time I grocery shop or go to target etc.

This.

and I have been meaning to get quotes on having a tree removed for weeks, but it just hasn't happened. When I apologized for it last week DH said "don't apologize - it's not like I think what you do is easy!"

I have so rarely made dinner since DS arrived. He's just too much work to allow for meal preparation. DH doesn't cook, but he hasn't once complained about the amount of takeout we're eating. And when I was once able to prepare 3 meals in a day (2 for freezing) he told me that I absolutely didn't have to do that, that if I got the time to do that I could spend it napping or relaxing.

He's not a perfect man, but he does appreciate what I do and knows that I am not his handmaiden.

Alli321 · August 2009

You are not out of line at all. My DH recently started working from home full time and he began acting like that. Seriously the exact same way. He has been up and when I am about to do something he will try to ask me to make him lunch. Or he'll play with the baby and then I figure I have a few minutes to do something like empty the dishwasher, but as soon as I leave the room to do that he says he has work to do and can't play with the baby any more. It has caused numerous fights and a big strain on our marriage. I was going to go back to work in March but recently decided to stay home longer. But since he has been home acting like this, I think I will go back sooner.

emiannie · August 2009

That sounds like something my husband would say just to get a rise out of me so he could make a joke out of it. I wouldn't know what to even say if he said it seriously.

Definitely time for a heart-to-heart.

skoorbnibor · August 2009

oh hell no! I am E's Mom, but Todd's wife. Sometimes I do cook for him (he works from home a couple days a week) but it is because either I want to, or I am doing it for myself... never because he tells or even asks me to...I do tend to make dinner every night, but he is very appreciative

Want a personalized experience?

question for the SAHMs...

Re: question for the SAHMs...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards