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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
How to help during a loss?
Hi girls,
One of my friends just found out that her baby is not viable at her 20 week u/s due to no kidneys or bladder. She has to decide whether to carry to full term or induce now. The baby will not sirvive either way. I am heartbroken for her and want to provide as much support as I can, but don't even know where the start. What do I do? She does not live in the state so I can't be with her. Thoughts?
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Re: How to help during a loss?
You know what truly put a smile on my face. A recent email I received from a friend of mine. Here I am almost 2 months after my loss and she writes me to ask how I am doing and if I would like to get together with her soon for some retail therapy.
I think that is the best thing you could do for your friend. Just check up on her more than one time. Call her or write her an email or letter if you think she needs some privacy at the time. Anything to let her know that you are still thinking about her and her baby.
Other suggestions are finding ways to memorialize her little one. A necklace, a poem... I am sure that she will appreciate and cherish it for days to come.
You're a good friend to be so concerned. Call her. Call her often. Grief is very lonely. Tell her you're there for her. If she doesn't want to talk that's understandable too. With you being pregnant, I'm sure it is very difficult for her. Try to be sensitive to that.
My brother (who lives out of state) has sent me a text every day for over two weeks now (since I found out). It started with just "I love you" -- that was it. But it was so powerful and appreciated. Of course, being my brother, it then progressed to "I love you more than Joni loves Chachi" and "I love you more than Chris Farley loved Ho-Ho's" etc. But every day I am reminded that 1. I am loved and supported and 2. He has not forgotten my pain.
Gifts are wonderful gestures. It doesn't have to be 'perfect' to mean the world to her - just so long as its not thoughtless or obviously rude. She may not want to eat but she'll still love a tin of cookies (and I'm sure her DH, etc. will polish them off). She may prefer a live plant to flowers that die but will forever remember the thoughtful boquet you sent. She may think the butterfly pin is not her style but every time she sees it in the jewelry box she'll remember what awesome friends she has.
A local friend sent a long email that basically said, "I love you, I won't judge you if you don't reply, it's ok if you need space, my feelings won't be hurt and I know it's not about me... but I'm going to be calling you every couple days and emailing you. And if you're not ready to talk - don't answer, that's ok. But I love you and will be reminding you of that every now and then."
I hated when people said, "Well you can have another/try again/etc." or anything relating to it being God's will, He has a plan, etc.... but that was just me. What I most loved hearing was, "I'm sorry, this sucks, I love you." But again - that was just me.
You're a good friend and she's lucky to have you in her life.
Just wanted to add - she'll have an especially tough time on her due date (if she decides to terminate or loses the baby early). I know it might be tough to remember but mark your day planner, set a reminder on your phone, do something so that on her EXACT due date you can do something special for her.
I'm dreading March 6 as I'm guessing most everyone will have totally forgot about the importance of that date and it will make the lonliness of losing a child even more profound.
*waves*
Hi Jenn. You are too sweet!
xoxo