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2nd Trimester
Jengle77
member
NBR-Headed for divorce (long)
Jengle77
member
So, here goes. My Dh and I have been married for a little over two years. We have always struggled with the same issues over and over again, but they always work themselves out. I am a bit messy (don't put my clothes away right away) and I am a little lazy. I enjoy coming home and plopping on the couch for the night. I work full time at a moderatly stressful job, so vegging out in the evening is enjoyable to me. My DH has never been overly affectionate or attentive. Just his nature. He totally takes after his parents in that respect. So, the last few weeks, I have been feeling extra needy. I am assuming it is PG related hormones or something. He is super active with the gym and different sports, so he is gone alot. I threw a bit of a fit about the amount of time he spends away from home and the whole argument lead to the real issues which were me being messy and him not showing affection. I always jump straight to divorce. I always use it in a fight (not a good thing, I know) knowing that it would never come to that. Well, this time, he actually considered it. I use it as a threat, and he always says that is not an option, but last night he said, "well, you said you are not willing to change, and I am not willing to change, so maybe that is our only option". AAAHHH! I lost it. Hyperventaliating. Sobbing. Chocking. Throwing up. Just totally breaking down. I do not want to get a divorce. I know PG hormones play a lot into this. Now, we are back to the ingoring game and barely talking. I told him that I don't want a divorce, but his comment back again was "we are both stubborn and will never change, so what are our options?". I don't know what to do from here. Do I let my ego go and tell him that I WILL change. Do I just need to learn to deal with him be non-affectionate. Anyone else in the same boat? Thanks.
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Re: NBR-Headed for divorce (long)
I second this, counseling can work wonders if you start it as soon as you can. Give each other another chance and see what happens. Good luck.
I think you both need to sit down and talk about things.
But you can't expect him to change if you aren't willing to change either.
If you know that you could be doing more stuff around the house then doing some of that will show him you are willing to work at it.
Then as things get better you can talk about him being more affectionate.
Perhaps read the 5 love languages and see what both of you are. That way you can start to do little things that will show him that you really care about him.
Good luck.
First go to marraige couseling, it's sounds like you two need to learn how to communicate. Second, you should never use anything as a "threat" against your husband, holding something over someone's head is manipulative, and that is not the way a healthy marriage should work. I hate to say you've been diggin yourself a hole, but it sounds like it.
You shoudln't get into a realtionship wanting to change someone, but you can learn to change together and grow together. Try counseling I think it would go a long way for you two.
GL!
I think that your marriage is worth changing for. And not just your marriage but for the sake of your LO too. There are going to be so many changes that you go through over the years it's not worth letting this one thing ruin you. And trust me, once you have a baby your nesting habits will dramatically change anyway!
You can't work on him you can only work on you. But I think that as he observes you loving him in a selfless way he will only be able to respond in like mannor.
oh and p.s.
Stop using divorce in your fights. That's not fair. Especially if you don't want it.
You are just egging him on. Fight fair.
i have a book that you should pick up...it will teach you how to deal with these situations. so it doesnt blow up like that. i was skeptical at first, but it has honistly helped us alot ( were only on chapter 3)
its called couple skills
id really go and get one mine was in stock at barnes and noble
I hope this doesn't come out to sound mean, but threatening divorce just to scare the other person is not a mature thing to do in a relationship. That's something I believe should never be said unless it's a real thought. Your DH may just be really tired of hearing it and he's at a point where he doesn't care anymore.
If you want the relationship to work, have you thought about counseling? You need to sit down and talk with him about exactly what you both want, and figure out how to do it.
Good luck!
wow that's a really hard one. I feel so bad you are going through this right now. It might just be PG hormones but if you two have been like this from the start things probably wont change. You two need to have a seriously talk about what you need from each other and hopefully you can meet in the middle. If that doesnt work maybe you try couples councling.
Good Luck
this too!!
Have you thought about going for counselling? Really if your only issues are you being lazy and him being unaffectionate, you can work though it.
I hate to say it, but you need to stop with the divorce threat, you are not a kid and it's not like telling someone you're going to take your ball home, divorce is a horrible way to end a relationship.
If you are that worried about your ego, then maybe you need to seriously look at yourself. What do you really want in your life? Remember you are now going to bring another life into this relationship.
Sorry if i sound harsh, i really do wish you luck, and i hope you and your DH can work though this.
Wow...have you considered counseling. I used to throw the whole D word around during fights also during our first year of marriage until my DH sat me down after a very nasty fight and asked that I be verrryyy careful with the choices I throw around before he takes me up on something that I may not want. Fair enough point really. We celebrated six years yesterday and I wouldn't want my life to not include him.
There has to be a compromise somewhere. My husband has tendencies toward slobbiness and I am a neat nick...but we have compromised that after dinner every night we spend 15 minutes straightening up the house together. That way he can come home and de-stress for a little while but I also have a orderly house when we go off to bed.
Also my DH is very much into outdoors - he gets one weekend a month with no questions asked or ties to home and during winter he does three days on the slopes. I got involved in a few community groups so I don't feel his absences so much and so that I have my own life. We see each other for about an hour each night and one day during the weekends and things are really now.
Good luck!
Im sorry your going thru this. Iam in a semi simular situation. My bf works part time and i work full time. he cleans and does everything around the house so i dont have to do it when i come home, since i became pregnant hes done just about everything times 10. He is very much into sports and fantasy baseball/football, all that crap i cant stand. He is affectionate but i had to work and pull it out of him to get that way, growing up he wasnt given the love from his mom and he just is a very self sufficent person. Me iam lazy at times and i know he carries the load alot more than me but he works part time and i feel iam paying most the bills thats how it should be, but we fight all the time about it, me being lazy and him spending too much time on the sports crap. We always seem to work thru it but it does come up more lately but i believe its the hormones.
You guys need to sit down and talk about ur problems, compromise and find a way to work things out if you really want them to work. Relationships are hard and marriage is even harder. Good luck to you guys!!
Wow-- I have been there. My DH is also not affectionate and he is a busy-body whereas my idea of the perfect weekend is chilling out at home reading, cooking and lounging around.
These were the 2 main reasons that drove us right to counseling. We also had 2 miscarriages within 6 months of eachother. PLEASE try seeking therapy. It worked wonders for us and saved our marriage. My hubby and I joke about it now. We say our marriage just needed a "tune up."
Also, my advice is if you do not feel comfortable with one therapist, don't give up on counseling as a whole. Try a different one until you both feel you've found someone that gels with you as a couple.
I will be keeping you and your marriage in my thoughts and prayers. Please PM me if you ever want to talk. I have SOO been there!
Just my opinion from reading what you wrote...it sounds like you are more stubborn than him. "let my ego go"...in marriage there shouldn't be pride and ego. That should be the one place you can be vulnerable and open.
My husband is big into sports and the gym as well...at one point he was playing softball 7 nights a week. Granted I played some nights too, but on the nights I didn't, I would go watch him. I have always said "those who play together, stay together". We've been together 10 years, married 3.5 and it's worked so far. I worked full time (recently laid off), went to school full time and still managed to hold down the house; with help from him of course.
But I think if you make an effort to change, then he will follow. Maybe if you make some small changes, get interested in his interests and not just chill on the couch, then maybe he will see your efforts and start being more affectionate.
Also, divorce should NEVER be thrown out there as a threat. After a while he's going to get tired of you saying it and take you up on it...as he did. Be more open to change, see if it helps. If not, there are always people you could talk to. If you love him you'll do what you need to do and he should do the same. Hope this helps and good luck!!
have y'all thought about marriage counseling?? i don't know if y'all are Christian, but i know a lot of churches will do it for free (especially if you're pregnant). (although i might not suggest going to someone not married. maybe try methodist?) my husband and i went to a professional before we got married just to work out some kinks (and because i told him that i wouldn't marry him if we didn't go)... just a couple of times. there weren't any problems on the surface, but i didn't know if maybe someone trained in that field could forsee anything we couldn't. it totally helped. (he stopped picking his nose. my pet peve. yes, a 26 year old man still picked his nose in public.)
if you don't want to go see another human about it yet, i HIGHLY suggest reading: The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. it's completely changed our relationship. it seems to me that you are probably "affection" and he is probably "acts of service"... in short, the book is by a professional who has counseled MANY people. he breaks it down like this: if you can't speak eachother's language, then how will you communicate? if he's saying i love you in french, let's say, and you speak russian, well how the hell are you going to know what he's saying?! so maybe you speak "affection" and he speaks "acts of service"... the book goes on to tell about acutal couples and how it transformed marriages. i really hope you BOTH DO want to work on your marriage (so maybe he'll read it too. short potty-read.)... and YES, it will help if just ONE of you reads it. just be patient.
good luck.
First of all, counseling would be a great thing if you can get him to go. Second, read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs. They both are written by Christian men, but if you can get past that part (if you do not classify yourself as a Christian) they are both fantastic books and are very helpful.
I DO think you should make some changes if you really want to make your marriage work. You both should. One of the things one of the books says (I think it's Love and Respect-we got it as a wedding gift and it's GREAT) is that it says the more mature person in the relationship will be the first to change to help you get out of the "crazy cycle." Change isn't easy, but really, it's not that hard to hang your clothes up or put them in the dirty clothes, or for him to give you a few more hugs. It just takes time, and will be a little weird at first. But I think you both have to make changes.
I think using divorce in an argument is a very dangerous thing to do. If you don't really want one, it's better to leave that out of the conversation.
I'd let my ego go and make the changes regarding being messy. Start making an effort to be neat in the ways he wants - you might be surprised that it would motivate your DH to become more affectionate.
If you make the necessary changes, at least you can be sure you did your part to make the marriage work. Chances are your DH will follow suit. Can't hurt to try - especially with something as simple as being less messy - you might even find you like it!
Therapy sounds like your next step if you want to save your marriage.
Your days of laying around being lazy in the evenings are about to change once this baby comes. You will no longer have the luxury.
Before you would even consider actually separating or divorcing you need to try counseling first.
As someone who has been divorced take it from me - Your problems will not end once you get divorced. In my new relationship I experience a lot of the same exact issues that I thought were just because of my ex. You really should just try to work on better communication and such to try to improve your current relationship.
I know that I did the right thing by getting a divorce because I got married for a lot of the wrong reasons. But if you truly love your husband and are attracted to him you need to ust work on what you have. Because if you leave him and get into another relationship I can almost guarantee that you will have the same problems or other equally troubling problems to work on.
Every relationship has problems and as long as you have a strong foundation to start with you can overcome them. The reason my marriage didn't work is because we never had that strong base that we should have had in order to maintain a lifetime relationship. In my new relationship I know we have that base and I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep it going.
Try to stay positive and GL!
Both of you are going to have to compromise. Also I'd suggest seeking counseling. This could include the minister at your church or something.
Honestly, I don't feel like your fight is a reason to get a divorce. Trust me when I tell you people go through worst. DH can clean the house from top to bottom and it will look like we had a professional service to come in and clean, but he messes up just as bad. I hate that he walks out of the bathroom soaking wet making the floor wet. He leaves wet towels on the bed, etc, but those are not grounds for a divorcr. I have learned to just live with it. When I reach my wit's end, I react, but I quickly get over it.
Back to your situation, I'd say give him some cooling off time and have a heart to heart. Do those things really make you miserable? Can he spend less time at the gym? Can you pick up after yourself a little more? Try those things first before jumping to a divorce. BTW, please stop throwing around divorce in arguments, that's not good.
This!
Sorry you are dealing with this, but I rally do suggest going to counseling. Both together and separate. You guys need to learn how to communicate with each other.
I highly recommend that you read Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. That book really opened up my eyes and gave me ideas on how to keep a relationship going.
Also, please keep in mind that pg can be messing with your moods/hormones. I definitely don't think you should make such a major life decesion while your hormones are so out of whack. I would definitely wait until after the baby is born and you have recovered to make any life altering decesions.
im not QUITE in the same boat but ive been there before. DH and i are both VERY stubborn and we have exact opposite ways of fighting/arguing so every argument we get into turns into something way bigger than it needs to be. Its crazy really!! From the beginning of our engagement we both decided the word divorce was never to be mentioned and while it has helped alot that we agreed on that early on, it still comes on when we get wrapped up in a big fight. Our problems are similar to yours, but every couple is different! I will tell you that what helped us a lot was sitting down and talking (even though it lead to more arguments). We talked about anything and everything that has ever bothered us about eachother/our relationship and decided what to do together after we finished the entire conversation. Honestly most of the things we said just disappeared after we were able to get it out in the open. We also watched the movie Fireproof- which i definitely recommend if you havent seen it (and watch it together)!! I also read the book 5 love languages and talked to him about it as i went along.... but it just helped me to realize that being different isnt terrible as long as you can find the right language to communicate with eachother. i think everytime we fight i want to run straight to counseling, but i know DH wont do well in that environment so ive given up on even mentioning it. in my opinion you both are going to have to decide whats more important to you- your spouse or your own selfish traits (lazy and non affectionate) and honestly you will have to pick one or the other- without change things cant get better....
hope that helps and good luck!!!
you said you bring up divorce when you fight. Can you imagine how that must make him feel to hear you talk about divorce that much. I would really focus on not bringing it up during a fight. My DH and I can get in some big fights but the word divorce has never been used. I am not saying you are all in the wrong here but after he hears you say it so many times he may begin to think that's what you want.