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2nd Trimester
Re:*Personal*(Help) please no flames (Long)
I am having issues and i just wanted to know if i'm not alone, and i'm being very honest so i'm hoping for no flames on this.
Is anyone in here going through a pregnancy without a man? due to the following:beating, hitting, yelling, violence, argueing etc. I'm staring to get to the point where i think i might end up without my husband for the end of it and it scares.For all of you that want to know....It started out as me having a anxiety attack about work and needing to vent to him and apparently i ruined his 1 of 2 night playing Xbox and he said anxiety attacks were stupid. By the end of the fight were screaming at each other about something personal and he came after me and put his hands around my neck. He told me he wanted to kill me and my dog and then he'd probally kill himself because he can't live without me. He cryed really bad after that saying we both need help..that was 2 weeks ago and i'm thinking about telling the councelor i'm seeing off and on but i'm afraid to be alone, without him, without a father. I don't want to be like my sisters 7 year abussive relationship and i know that's what it is and i didn't want to be another young naive girl who got married to soon and had a baby and is raising it alone.
I posted this the other day and i wanted to let the following people who helped me know what happened.
Well today the 1st Shirt went and talked to him and he has now been ordered to stay elsewhere for now and the following: Anger management, Marriage counceling, and therapy for the two of us. After all this i feel like he might want a divorce now and i feel broken inside.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Re:*Personal*(Help) please no flames (Long)
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I think you should try couseling and def have him take anger mgmt classes to see if that can help. I see you haven't been married very long and hopefully you can turn it around.
If things don't change, you should get out. I know it will be hard to not have your husband around, but think of you and the baby. Don't put your child through the same thing. I think it will get harder as years pass by to get out, especially if it gets bad. I hope you have friends and family who can be supportive and help you with the baby if you leave your husband. I know it would be hard, but you have to get out of an abusive/negative realtionship.
I know its easier said then done and I'm not going through anything like this. Just get some help with what you need to do and you'll be happy that you did.
Good Luck sweetie!
First of all, I'm very sorry you're going through these tough times with your husband, especially while you're pregnant.
Second, I think you need to talk to your own counselor about this. You need someone to talk to about all this that you can trust as you work through how your feel about the situation. I'm not trying to flame you, but just suggest that you find someone that can help you see this from an outside perspective.
Third, I don't think there should be a circumstance where your husband says he wants to kill you, the dog, and himself. That's really scary, and I know you're going to say it just happened once and you don't want to be alone, but you really need to take a step back and look at this situation.
God will get you through raising your child, and I'm sure you have family and friends that will help be supportive as well. Don't let your fear of raising your child on your own stop you from protecting your child in the long run.
http://i41.tinypic.com/111ov4j.jpg
2007-Sept 2008: TTC the old fashioned way
Sept 2008 - Jan 2009: Clomid 100mg
Feb 2009: 200mg Clomid = BFP! on March 20, 2009 - It's a BOY!
Nov 26th 2009: Aidan Michael, 20.5" 7lb12oz
Feb 2010: Start TTC again, the old fashioned way
Mar - June 2011: Clomid 100mg
July 2011: Unmedicated cycle = BFP! on August 29th, 2011
Nov 6th 2011: m/c due to subchorionic hematoma
Dec 2011: Start TTC again, unmedicated
February 12th, 2012: BFP! EDD 10/23/12
Mar 12th 2012: diagnosed as blighted ovum
Trying again..
My heart aches for you. But I do agree that at this point although you may not want to hear it but you would be better off alone. That way you can focus on you and the baby. You don't want to raise a child in an environment with abuse.
Sending hugs and prayers your way.
This is NOT flame worthy and anyone who wants to flame you is just a self-righteous biotch.
My heart really goes out to you. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations we never imagined possible. The most important issue I feel you touched on was not wanting your child to grow up in an abusive situation like you did. Clearly by staying with this man, AT THIS TIME, that's exactly what you would be doing. My ex-bf before my DH, did the same thing to me. he got so upset that he put his hands around my throat and said "I could F***ing kill you right now". At that time I jsut told him "Go ahead and do it"...in a challenging stance because I knew he wouldn't. Fortunately it was rather easy for me to pick up and leave his ass. Sounds like your H is a similar person. An extremely insecure, immature individual who is trying to control you because he can't control his emotions. For someone in that case, I'd say that not all hope is lost! I think your plan of him getting help and being separated is a good plan. I know you are scared about being a single mom, but I tell you what, it's harder right now because there's a cloud looming over your head..but once that baby comes your instincts will kick in. At least I hope they will and you will realize that protecting that little one and yourself are more important then anything else. I highly recommend you watch the movie "Waitress". IT's about an abused/bullied pregnant wife who grows to love herself and her baby and pull out of the abuse. For now just focus on yoruself and start planning just in case you 2 don't stay together. I wish you all the luck in the world.
I LOVE MY THREE KIDS!
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I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this ... but a woman and a child without a man is so much better than a woman and a child with an abusive man. There are many single moms out there who have made it work, who have raised successful children. Know that you can do it too. You can be strong enough to raise your child on your own, and with the help of family and friends that love you. You can be strong enough to raise your child to treat people with love and respect, not anger and manipulation. I am a firm believer that people do not change who they are deep down. Even if the physical abuse stops, the mental and emotional abuse will not. Be strong for yourself and be strong for your baby. And don't forget there are a lot of women on here who are rooting for you!!
Please, take care of yourself, and your baby... You can do this!
I almost feel bad i got pregnant, I mean i love him without a doubt and we both wanted this and i never wanted to be a single mom or have a child that had a bad father either. I know it's all a spin of the dice and it sucks.
My first husband was emotionally abusive, I stayed with him until my son was 4 mo old..... it was the worst decision of my life. He was a horrible man and no one should be with someone who doesn't treat them well.
Was this the first time he's ever been physical with you? Does he mess with your mind regularly too?
i'm not going to flame you one bit but i am going to give you a bit of tough love
i think you know the truth and what to do from your past posts.
i think you are looking for some kind of validation.
YOU KNOW this isn't healthy and it's abuse and your baby and you deserev better - at least till he can get into therapy (if that ever happens and if it ever does any good).
It's easier said than done to pick up and move out and move on when even abuse is a "Comfort zone" over the "unknown" but you have a choice.
Stay with abuse and come from a place of abuse and live with abuse - walking on eggshells, etc.
or
Take a chance - take baby steps to move on with your life and create a place of peace.
Your choice.
For EVERY roadblock and obstacle there is a solution (even if it's hiding) there is one.
"Wearing his BING CROSBY clothes and crooning...buuuh buuh buuuh"
Although my first kneejerk reaction is: "screw counseling, I'd be outta there," once I really try to put myself in your position, I know I'd want to see if I could salvage the marriage.
I really hope the anger management and counseling works for you both, but at the first backslide on his part, I'd be gone. For the sake of you and your baby, institute a zero-tolerance policy for violence (physical or emotional). Good luck!
Everyone says they hope i have family and friends and unfortunitely i don't. The military stationed me in Minot ND and all my family and friends are in Delaware and they won't let me go on leave for this. Were both AD
so he is physical with you while you're pregnant? There is no way in the world you or your baby are deserving of his inability to control his temper. You have got to do something while you have the willpower, because men like him will prey on the fact that you're willing to give them a 2nd, 3rd, 4th chance, etc. Don't even give him the opportunity. Married or not, you need to separate yourself from that situation, for your baby's sake. I grew up with my dad beating my mom, and I firmly believe that I would have been better off if my parents would have divorced, the sooner the better. Don't go on believing you will be alone forever, just because your husband is not the one for you doesn't mean the real one is not out there. And at that, many women are very successful single parents. Any man who will put his hands on a woman out of anger is not deserving of the air he breathes. Much less a second chance at a family. If you want to continue your marriage, he needs major help before you live together again. And he has to want to do it to change, you can't force a man to change his ways. Just don't ask me how I know this.
But on a lighter note, you'll do what you believe is right and I wish you the best of luck! Just focus on the well being of your LO, it will help you get through this situation.
You can love someone with all your heart but that does not guarantee that they are the right person for you. You can't feel bad about being pregnant, what good does that do? The fact is that you are pregnant now and you have to make the decisions that are best for you and your baby. No one wants to be a single mom and just because/if you end up leaving your husband doesn't necessarily mean you'll be a single mom for life. There are plenty of men out there who can love you and your child so much more than this selfish little boy! I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be, I tend to give tough love advice, but although I don't know you I really do care about how this situation ends...
First of all, I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Secondly, definitely talk to your counselor about this. That's what they are there for.
Third, I don't know if there's much hope for men like this, but only stay with him if he is going to get counseling and if you two can do couples therapy. If he does not stop abusing you he will abuse your children and it will only carry on the viscious cycle of abuse.
I hope for your family's sake that he can really have a change in his life, but if not PLEASE get out. Your little one will definitely be better with no father than an abusive father.
He doesn't play with my mind that i know of he usually is sweet and he has grabbed my arm a couple of times but never anything this bad.
You should really think about your low self image, and work on that with a counselor on your own. I'm very serious too, I'm not trying to be rude or flame you. Every woman should feel like she deserves the best (this is not selfish or self indulgent) in a spouse and especially in the father (or father figure) of her children.
Telling you that your anxiety attacks are "stupid" devalues the way you are feeling, your mental state, and your emotions - in doing that, he is attempting to manipulate you into thinking that the way you feel is not important, which I think qualifies as playing with your mind... he should respect you and the way you are feeling, and you having an anxiety attack, especially while pregnant, is a serious thing. Much more serious than an xbox game.
I can't imagine what you're going through, but I think it would be better to be the "naive girl who got married too soon and raising a baby alone" than someone who is frightened for her safety as well as her baby's safety. Things will not get better after the baby comes. Please, please protect yourself!
I think it's the best thing for you and your baby for him to be ordered to stay away and get help. It scares me that he threatened to kill you and the dog and then himself...there are so many horrific stories about such men in the media and so I would NEVER take such a threat lightly.
I know it it looks scary to raise your child without a father, however given the circumstance I think it's better for now. I hope you have your family and friends to lean on, they will be very important from this point forward. Just rememeber, no man should ever raise a hand toward you, and never take that or his threat lightly.
That is absolutley awful... abuse is NEVER ok, it is a deal breaker period. No amount of "I'm sorry" or "I won't do it again" is ok, it's like cheating- if they do it once they'll do it again. And if he'd do this to YOU he will do it to your baby... not ok!!
First you need to protect yourself and your child, that means getting away from him. Not a "oh he moved out for a little while" you need to have a restraining order before it escalates into something you would never have imagined. While you have this restraining order he can attempt to get the help he needs and you can get the help you need. After that you can see if this is something worth continuing or if it would be better to part ways.
Quoting Dr. Phil "Children would rather be FROM a broken home than live in one" and this is true, the detriment that this type of behavior will have on your child is something you don't want to see. And a child that comes from an abusive family is a million times more likely to end up in an abusive relationship themselves. This is not what you want for your child.
Safety is your first concern. Support is your second. You need to find a support system IMMEDIATELY whether that be family, friends, co-workers, counselors, therapists, a traditional support group, etc. You need to rally these people around you like yesterday and let them be your strength while you figure out where to go from here.
Your third priority here is getting therapy. Whether you and your DH get back together or not you need to see someone. And not a one time thing, I have a feeling from your sister's history of abusive relationships and my own intuition that you come from a history of abuse and therefore you need to deal with this or you will end up putting yourself back in the same situation over and over again with the same type of people.
Take my advice as a nurse with a background in psychology with a mother who's a pyschotherapist. Safety. Support. Therapy. one day at a time... Try looking up your local battered women shelters and things for resources and support groups, they will steer you in the right direction.
Momma Maven In The Making!
Okay - another tough reaction coming here - so please try not to take it as flaming, but . . .
HE TOLD YOU HE WANTED TO KILL YOUR DOG, YOU, AND HIMSELF WHILE HE HAD HIS HANDS AROUND YOUR NECK!!!!
Now you are saying he doesn't play with your mind???
Seriously - reality check time. This isn't just your life, it's now the life of a child that you are bringing into the world.
It's okay to feel betrayed, broken, lonely, and hurt. It is NOT okay under any circumstances to allow those emotions to be justifications to stay in your current situation.
You need help. Seriously. You are in a terrible situation and understandably emotional. Please seek counseling ASAP and stop making excuses for why his behavior isn't that bad.
P.S. In case enough women haven't already said it to you - abuse almost always escalates in the absence of intervention.
I don't need a retraining order for him because the military will keep him in some sort of quarters if i ask for it which i did today, and they will keep him there till i say ok or they feel he is ok to go home. Our house is a military owned home and would go to me since i'm the one with child so i'm not worried about that either and the car is in my name and i have that to. The only thing i don't have that i wish i did is my mom and friends which are back home.
Since he choked you and said he wanted to kill you I'd say it's a good idea that he stays somewhere else and gets some help.
I pray that you have friends and family to help you through this time and I hope your DH and you can get help and work it out.
You made the right choice by speaking to someone who could do something to help you. Keep making choices like that and you and YOUR child will get through this. You got married young and this guy needs to grow up on his own for a while. Please don't yo-yo with him and set the example to your child that it's ok to go back to someone who abuses you.
You said you have friends and family "back home"- sounds like that might be a good place to go to if you can't stay where you are. My mom left her abusive husband when my brother was 4 and she broke the cycle. She never went back, never let her son learn the same destructive behaviors, and met my dad who raised him. You can do this.
Well I would urge you to keep him away from you until you get some help. The guilt and "lovey" feelings will creep back and I would caution you against giving in and letting him come back.
Is there a way for your family to fly in to be with you? Or will the military allow you some leave to be with them in this type of circumstance?
Momma Maven In The Making!
I asked and i could take leave but it's so expensive and i really don't have the money to leave either. My family can't afford to fly out here to and if he needs me it's not a good thing to leave yet.
I am a lurker on here and post more on SAL. But I wanted to tell you that I worked for years in the domestic violence field and there are some things you should know:
- Pregnant women are at higher risk of being attacked and injured or killed by an abusive partner
- His abuse is not an anger management issue, but a issue of using emotional and physical violence to gain power and control over you
- You need to not only talk to your counselor, but talk to a local domestic violence center- in Minot there is the Domestic Violence Crisis Center and they serve the base as well. Their crisis line is 857-2200 and you can call anytime, even for information. They can help you set up a safety plan so you can stay safe while you figure out what to do.
Lastly, remember that this is not your fault. He is the one responsible for his actions and words and you have done nothing to deserve that. Take care of yourself and find support. Stay safe
If he's willing to put his hands on you, why would you think it would stop there? I'd much rather be alone and divorced and safely snuggled up with my baby as opposed to living in fear that my husband may or may not beat me or my baby.
ETA: I am sorry you are going through this. My mother went through the same thing with me and she left him. I'm forever grateful she made that choice.
Very well said!