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Since I have no IRL friends to get advice from....long.

noah-bearnoah-bear member
in Babies: 9 - 12 Months

DH is in college. We've been married a year as of yesterday. When we were engaged we broke up because he said he thought he had feelings for a girl that was in some of his classes and who's dad was his ROTC instructor. Basically she was everywhere he was. Big fight, lots of drama, summer happened and he never saw or talked to her. Well, school just started back up and he didnt tell me she was in his group for clinicals until after he got switched so he'd stay in town. Today I got on his school account to see what times his classes got out so I can make him lunch and she's in all but one class. He's in 9 classes.....He didnt tell me and the link was purple which meant he had clicked it at one point.

Also, he used (still somewhat does) have a porn addiction that we've been working to get resolved. I told him to tell me when he looks and I wont be mad and we'll work together to figure out why he feels the need to look. When I exited the internet from his computer, it brought up the option to delete all browsing history, that wasn't there yesterday.

I dont know what to do. He was gone for a month and I had somewhat gotten used to the whole single mom thing and now, I'm feeling like that's what's going to happen to me if this path continues. It's like college brings out the worst in him. 

I'm home all day cooking, cleaning, taking care of a baby, helping him and this is what he does. I feel like I'm sinking. 

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Re: Since I have no IRL friends to get advice from....long.

  • djandkellendjandkellen

    I'm sorry, sweetie.  It's a tricky situation b/c if you talk to him about her again, you'll have to tell him you went on to check his schedule...  If it happens to come up, I would definitely talk to him.  

    Good luck! 

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  • StellasmomStellasmom member
    What do you mean by addiction? I need your definition.
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  • userdeleteduserdeleted member

    I have a lot of advice I could give you but this sounds like a problem that is too complicated for a message board. I strongly strongly suggest counseling. Together if he will go, alone if he won't.

    What I will say is that if I were you I would tell him that he has a choice now - this girl or his family. He needs to not see her, not be in her classes, not have contact with her. If that means transferring schools - so be it. If he wasn't willing to do whatever was necessary - I'd be gone.
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  • noah-bearnoah-bear member
    imageStellasmom:
    What do you mean by addiction? I need your definition.
    Before we got serious, he looked as many times a day as he could. He also masterbated several times a day. Once I found out about the porn I told him that if he wanted to be with me he had to stop because I felt like he was cheating on me when he masterbated to them. He started hiding it from me. He'd slip up and forget to delete one or two from his history. After several fights because of it I told him that I'd try to help him. He had broken down crying twice because of it and told me that he doesn't know why he does it but he feels the need. I told him to tell me when he feels the need or if he even looks and we'll work together to see why he feels the urge. Then from there we'll try to find a way to deter it.
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  • *KatieH**KatieH*
    imageRach03k:

    I have a lot of advice I could give you but this sounds like a problem that is too complicated for a message board. I strongly strongly suggest counseling. Together if he will go, alone if he won't.

    What I will say is that if I were you I would tell him that he has a choice now - this girl or his family. He needs to not see her, not be in her classes, not have contact with her. If that means transferring schools - so be it. If he wasn't willing to do whatever was necessary - I'd be gone.

    exactly this. ?Does he choose his classes or does the school? ?I am wondering if he and the girl arranged it so the majority of their classes are together. ??

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  • noah-bearnoah-bear member
    imageRach03k:

    I have a lot of advice I could give you but this sounds like a problem that is too complicated for a message board. I strongly strongly suggest counseling. Together if he will go, alone if he won't.

    What I will say is that if I were you I would tell him that he has a choice now - this girl or his family. He needs to not see her, not be in her classes, not have contact with her. If that means transferring schools - so be it. If he wasn't willing to do whatever was necessary - I'd be gone.

    Counseling-I think it would be a great idea. I'll have to bring it up to him....

    The girl- I'm about to that point. I feel like I'm not important to him anymore and even though he says he doesnt care about her or like her, I dont believe him. If he really didnt, he would have told me she was in his classes. 

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  • noah-bearnoah-bear member
    image*KatieH*:
    imageRach03k:

    I have a lot of advice I could give you but this sounds like a problem that is too complicated for a message board. I strongly strongly suggest counseling. Together if he will go, alone if he won't.

    What I will say is that if I were you I would tell him that he has a choice now - this girl or his family. He needs to not see her, not be in her classes, not have contact with her. If that means transferring schools - so be it. If he wasn't willing to do whatever was necessary - I'd be gone.

    exactly this. Does he choose his classes or does the school? I am wondering if he and the girl arranged it so the majority of their classes are together.

     

    From what I understand it's the school that does it. He's in nursing school and our university is somewhat of a smaller one.  

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  • cbwmcbwm

    Okay, this post in combination with some other posts from you this weekend, and I *really* think you should seek out some counseling, both individual and couples therapy for you and your H.

    Did you see my post the other day that Reglan can cause depression?

    I like privacy. A lot.
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  • noah-bearnoah-bear member
    imagecbwm:

    Okay, this post in combination with some other posts from you this weekend, and I *really* think you should seek out some counseling, both individual and couples therapy for you and your H.

    Did you see my post the other day that Reglan can cause depression?

    Yes I actually sent you a PM about it. 

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  • userdeleteduserdeleted member
    imagenoah-bear:
    imageRach03k:

    I have a lot of advice I could give you but this sounds like a problem that is too complicated for a message board. I strongly strongly suggest counseling. Together if he will go, alone if he won't.

    What I will say is that if I were you I would tell him that he has a choice now - this girl or his family. He needs to not see her, not be in her classes, not have contact with her. If that means transferring schools - so be it. If he wasn't willing to do whatever was necessary - I'd be gone.

    Counseling-I think it would be a great idea. I'll have to bring it up to him....

    The girl- I'm about to that point. I feel like I'm not important to him anymore and even though he says he doesnt care about her or like her, I dont believe him. If he really didnt, he would have told me she was in his classes. 

    I don't believe him either. I'm very sorry :(

    I do think this situation is possibly salvageable, but you are both going to have to put a lot of work into it, and both going to have to agree to make sacrifices for the good of the whole. I'm glad that you're open to counseling because I really think an objective third party is what you two need right now.

    I think you should sit down and have this discussion with him as soon as possible. Today even. Let me suggest that you use this method when talking to him about this - it has really helped DH and I avoid letting a heated argument spiral out of control:

    https://www.marriagemissions.com/the-speaker-listener-technique/ 

    The link takes you to a religious based website, but you do not have to be religious for it to work for you. Feel free to page/PM me if you have any questions about it. GL :)

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  • adamwifeadamwife

    I'm so sorry.  I would just be upfront and honest with him about your fears and concerns.  Maybe it would help you both to go to counseling to talk about it - do you guys go to church?  Maybe you could talk to your pastor.

    Also, I would stay on top of your fears - stop by his classes unexpected and check that computer. 

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