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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
Dealing with SIL's pregnancy
My husband has a twin sister. We are very close with her and mybrother-in-law. When we told them I waspregnant (I was 12 weeks at the time) they gave us the best response ? us too! She was only 6 weeks at the time. My biggest fear is that she would miscarryand then it would be difficult for her to see me throughout the remainder of mypregnancy. Thankfully, she didn?t. Unfortunately, after two weeks of bedrest, Ihad a miscarriage and D&C a week ago. I was 23 weeks pregnant.
She has been wonderful so far. She visited in the hospital when I was onbedrest, brought flowers, etc. Since theD&C, I haven?t talked to her. Shecalled me once and has called my husband to talk. She is amazing. She said she knows it will be difficult forme to see her and will do whatever she can to make it easier on us. My in-laws are having people over thisweekend and she even volunteered not to come if she thought it would upset me.
So my question is ? how did you all feel? Anyone have a similar situation? I would love to be able to look at her andher baby in her belly and try and be positive about it ? I am getting my firstniece or nephew! But I?m not sure itwill go that way. I had hoped to helpplan her shower, but now I?m not sure I?ll even be able to go without crying inthe bathroom. Does anyone have anythoughts/words of wisdom on this they can share? I?ve read of some people always looking attheir niece or nephew thinking of what might have been. I really don?t want this to happen. Sorry so long. Thank you for your help.
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Re: Dealing with SIL's pregnancy
I can relate, unfortunately. My BIL (DH's younger brother) got a girl pregnant last year, a month after they met. Their baby girl was born 3 weeks ago. We were upset enough to find out that they were having a baby, not only because they barely knew each other, but because we have been married for three years and were about to start trying, and they beat us to it (I realize this is stupid).
Fast forward to June - I realize I am pg. We waited until 12 weeks to tell most people, thinking we were safely to the end of first tri. I found out this week that I miscarried five weeks ago and had no idea.
I have no idea how I am going to face seeing them. This is so fresh for us anyway, but made even harder by knowing that they got pg accidentally and managed to have a healthy pregnancy. My MIL's birthday is next weekend and if they are going to have a get-together for her there is no way I can go. For one thing, I don't really want to talk about it anymore, and while sympathy is nice it does reopen the wound every time. Also, I have no idea how I will manage to see their baby. The image of my own lifeless baby in the ultrasound is burned into my brain.
I'm sure with time it will get easier for both of us. At least your SIL is nice to you about it - this girl is kind of a rude pain in the @ss.
I don't have any advice. My sister is 28 weeks pregnant with twins. She fell pregnant during the week I had my first miscarriage. I've had another since then. I can barely stomach thinking about it.
I'll put on my big girl panties and deal, but it's never going to sunshine and butterflies for me. I'm psyched about my nephews, absolutely, but they will represent not one but two losses and that sucks. I haven't had to do much because we live 10 hours apart, but she's due to deliver on my first due date and I have no idea what this fall will bring.
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
That's nice that she's being so understanding and sensitive about your feelings.
I don't have any advice for you yet. My co-worker/good friend got pg two weeks after me. I'm a little nervous myself about how I'm going to handle it when she has the baby and if I'm going to be able to look at it without breaking down.
I was actually in a similar situation last year... My SIL (my brother's wife) and I were pregnant and due 10 days apart. I lost my little girl in May 2008 at 21 weeks. They had a beautiful, healthy baby girl in October 2008.
I won't lie... it hasn't been easy. During her pregnancy I was pretty much fine, and just really hopeful that they didn't get any bad news like we did. But, I did stop calling/asking as much about them as the due date got closer. I did attend her shower that my mom had for her (it probably would have been for both of us if we hadn't lost our little one), and I was ok. It was hard at times, and I cried that morning before I went, but I held it together at the shower, and then cried some more with my husband that night. I didn't do anything to "help" during the shower, but I did the invitations and made the flower arrangements. It was much easier to do that. I was glad I was there to support her, even though it was hard. I did have an "exit plan" of what I would do if it got to be too much, and shared that with my mom so that she wasn't surprised if I just disappeared. I also asked my mom to tell all of our friends/family who would be there that I would prefer if they did NOT talk to me about our loss that day, and most respected that request, which I think helped me to focus on her, and not me.
The day their baby was born was one of the worst days I've had since our loss. I had a lot of trouble pulling it together, and I just pretty much cried all day. I finally got up the courage to call my brother and congratulate him after many hours of talking myself into it. Again, I was glad I did, even though it was hard. The birth of my niece just made my loss seem so much more real. Now, over a year after my loss, it's still sometimes hard for me to be around my niece, and I have realized that I don't hold her or play with her like I did with my other neice and nephew when they were her age. I'd really like to work on that, and hope it gets easier as time goes on.
It's great that your SIL is being so supportive and looking out for your feelings. My only advice -- just do the best you can. And, don't get discouraged if it seems to get harder before it gets better... that's all part of the grieving process. Hang in there, and hold on tight to your husband and family. Hugs to you.
I'm very sorry for your loss. My bff is pg and due about a month before I was, but since I was having twins, we would have probably given birth around the same time. Fortunately, my bff has been so wonderful and supportive, like it sounds like your sil is being. That has helped immensely. I've talked to her about all my feelings including that it will be hard for me. I think just acknowledging that it will be hard for me has actually made it easier for me, if that makes any sense. I told her that I want to be there for her and that I really look forward to visiting her in the hospital, which though super hard, I think will also be very therapeutic.
The other side of things is that what you said about other people looking at their nieces and nephews and thinking about what might have been could plaque you. I have 10 nieces and nephews all on my DHs side. At first seeing them made me feel that way. I thought about how well my boys would have fit in with the rest of them and how much fun they would have had together. Also, my youngest nephew who is a year and a half old looks just like my DH, so looking at him, I sometimes think about how my own boys would have looked as they grew-up. All I can say for these feelings is that as time has gone by (I'm 7 weeks out from my loss right now), it's been easier and easier to see my nieces and nephews. It bothers me less and less each time that I see them. Or, I guess sometimes I'll be hit by something, but it's not as hard of a hit as it was at first.
I hope you are able to work through your grief and are able to get to a place where you can enjoy your sil and your future niece/nephew.
My SIL, whom I am very close to, has had 2 miscarriages since they started trying in 2005. The first one, she miscarried at 8 weeks, in '05. She finally got pregnant again this Nov, after trying for all those months in between. We were also pregnant (but hadn't told anyone yet). Her and BIL invited myself and DH out to lunch, and that's when they announced that they were due July 30th. We were so excited for them, I started crying as soon as she told us. We were due July 5th, so we were only weeks apart.
A few weeks after they told us, she lost the baby, at 8 weeks. It was horrible!!!! She was great throughout my pregnancy, and I always told her that if she was uncomfortable around me, i would totally understand. We ended up having our baby in July and my SIL has been dealing with it better than we expected. She comes to visit every week and I we visit them as well.
She just started IVF a few weeks ago, and I pray to God that this is what works for her and she is able to get pregnant and carry to term. I think us having our baby has given her some hope.
I really don't know why I wrote this, I just saw our stories were similar.
I wish you all the best in the future. Hugs!!
Very sorry for your loss and the unwanted situation you find yourself in. She is bending over backwards trying to make this easier for you, that is to be appreciated at all costs when this world has gotten so me, me, me. I would take each event and play it by ear. You never know how you will feel at any time.
I got a dose of what you are feeling when my sister had her first baby 4 months before we'd have had ours, and then again when SIL told me she was pg right after I'd seen my nephew for the first time. It was horrid. I was very blessed that it only lasted a week b/c we got an unexpected BFP the next week...but even that one week was awful and though I didn't say what I was thinking...mentally I was NOT a nice person. All you can do is play it as you feel it. If you aren't ready, you aren't...there is no timeline and kick others in the shins if anyone feels you should be "over it" by a certain time. Your SIL sounds like a wonderful woman to have in your life.