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Northern California Babies
Anyone here?? I need to vent/confess. (long)
Some of you know whats been going on in the last 24 hours from my FB status. I landed myself in the ER Thursday night for my asthma. Worst attack I can ever remember. In a matter of seconds I went from rocking Maddy to full blown asthma attack. Couldn't feel my face or arms, blurred vision. Pretty sure I actually blacked out into a pile of vomit on my bed. Vomiting because I was coughing so hard. Breathing treatments were doing nothing.
So all of this happened while I home. Alone. With the baby. While she was crying. No not crying. Screaming. Because she wasn't done with her bottle. As my eyes began to blur all I could hear was Maddy crying in her crib. I'm sure it didn't help the situation. Matt was at work but due home soon. Usually I can handle my attacks but I really scared him with a 911 text to come home. I didn't know what to do.
I can't even began to describe what was going on in my head. I was so scared. I don't want to relive it. I'm petrified to be alone with Maddy now. I am filled with guilt that I brought a baby into this kind of situation. I was faced with the decision: Breathe or take care of my baby. I had to choose breathing. Its not fair. I wish I could sit and just have a good cry fest, but I'm sure that would end up in asthma attack so I'm holding back.
My mom ended up watching Maddy until we got home from the hospital around 4am. (Granted she was asleep, but she had just babysat for me all day... I felt bad for her)
I don't know what to do. I've got several appts next week with my Dr and counselor. We don't know why they are coming on so fast and so strong. Allergies? Stress? All of the above?
I sat in fear until DH got home from work. I'm sure thats not healthy either. I finally sat down DH and told him I need him to take the rest of his PFL. He only took vacation back in Feb so he's got a full 6 wks. I told him I need him to do it ASAP. He gave me a big long sigh.. but agreed. We need to figure this all out.
I hate that my asthma impacts so many. I hate not breathing. I loathe steroids. I just want to be healthy. To run. To not be attached to a machine. Maybe thats why I hated pumping so much.
I feel like a shitty mom. No point to this post really. Just needed to get it off my chest. If anyone else with has experience with chronic/illness or emergency health related type of situations and being with your kids I'd appreciate hearing how you handle. TIA.
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Re: Anyone here?? I need to vent/confess. (long)
Oh g-d, that sounds so incredibly frightening. I have no advice but I absolutely understand why you'd be scared
I hope they can help you get your asthma under control really quickly
the secret blog
I dont have any advice for you, just wanted to send a hug to you and say that I hope things work out and get better for you soon!
also, dont be afraid to ask for help, in the long run it will benefit you and your baby both...
Smoke fires?? I'm in Dublin (I think you are in the same area).. I know the air was pretty crappy on Monday/Tuesday. Was that from a fire?
But yes.. this and the weather flip-flopping never helps.
The Blog | BirthbyKellyM
I didn't keep up with your posts but I'm wondering if your asthma could be related to the lack of air quality as a side effect from the wild fires that are burning. Even though we aren't right up against one, the smoke and ash are everywhere!
Please vent here. You aren't a bad mom. You had a medical situation. It happens. The first step to dealing with a medical condition and having kids is giving yourself permission to ask for help without feeling guilty. Even if it is just contacting a person and having them "on call" if you think you could be in a compromised situation but might not need them immediately. I know that I have a lot of doctor appointments so I have to ask for help a lot. My best friend had ppd and use to call me before her daughter was 2 and tell me to come get her because she was having homicidal thoughts. You bet your butt I was happy to step up and help until she got through it. That didn't make her a bad mom for one second.
*Hugs* I'm sure you will work with your doctor to figure out what is going on and get a treatment or management system down to make things better.
Sorry sweetie
I'm SO sorry. Just wanted to send hugs and say you are NOT a shitty mom. Maddy would want you to take care of your breathing first, for sure. I know the mom guilt sucks, but you are doing an awesome job with a tough situation you have no control over.
Hope the doctors appointments next week can bring some improvements...
Hugs to you! I think you did the right thing. My mom has bad asthma. I'd rather she had to let me cry a bit than to have her stop breathing, kwim?
NorCalMOMS bio* NorCalBOTB* babywearingBIO
Harmony Doula
I am so sorry you had to go through that - it must have been scary like you said. Hugs. You are not a bad mom at all.
I hope one of the ladies here can give you some feedback on how to cope and I hoope you get some good feedback from the upcoming Dr appointments.
It sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to do- and you were a good mommy too- Maddy was safe in her crib. She wasn't happy, she was probably scared, but she was safe. Perfect instincts on your part.
I think you probably should call 911 instead of your DH next time- sounds like you may have been unconscious, and that just sounds SO scary to me.
But remember, you DID keep Maddy safe, you did the right thing by her, and you are taking the right next steps to get yourself healthy. She needs her mommy, and her bottle can wait a little bit. Its exactly like on the plane when the emergency masks come down and you are told "to put on your own mask before assisting others". HUGS!!!
Huge (((HUGS))) from me! Max has had a few bad nights lately, with this bug he has, and all I can do while he's screaming and choking in his crib is sit there, hooked up to my machine, while I wait for DH/hope he hears it so I don't have to yell... it's the worst, feeling so helpless and unable to fix it!
Exactly what bunch said: you have to take care of yourself so that you can take care of Maddy. And you did exactly that, the exact right thing. She was in a safe place and just fine. Good job mom!
I am so sorry for what you are going through, it sounds incredibly scary but you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. She is a lucky girl to have you as a mom, you are doing a great job. Don't waste another moment feeling guilty for bringing her 'into this situation'. She has a loving family, she is very blessed.
((BigHugs)) I hope that the doc's have some good advice and information for you and that you remain 'attack-free' for a l-o-n-g time. ((HugsAgain))
Lighthouse State Beach, Santa Cruz.
Ditto this. What a nightmare...I am so so sorry. If it is stress related, I hope having your DH home will help.
Sending lots of big hugs your way M!
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(And if I didn't say it before, I LOVED meeting you and Mads at SF!)?
I just want to reiterate... You are not a shitty mom! I do hope that your appointments give you some much needed answers, and until then, all I can offer is huge huge hugs. Huge!
I dont have asthma but what you explained in basically my biggest mommy fear so I am so so so sorry you went through that. I have no usefull advice (I will ask around)
BUt please dont think this reflects at all on you as a parent. The fact that you care so much about how it impacted her (even though I am 100000% sure it didt) shows what a wonderful mom you in fact are.
And as far as your mom goes...You obviously would do anything for Maddy and I am sure your mom feels the same way...So try your best not to let needing her get to you.
br
I couldn't agree more. How scary, M!! *HUGS*
I think this goes to show what a great Mom you really are. You handled it like a rockstar. Mads was safe, you were doing what you needed to take care of you. Good work.