Finding it hard to deal (m/c mentioned)

may2806 · August 2009

I posted this on the m/c board, but only got a couple responses and I kinda feel more at home here with you ladies... anyway, I've just been really down since last week, and I'm still waiting to m/c. My beta level hasn't really dropped yet and I'm worried I will have to have a D&C. I'd prefer for it to happen naturally.

Anyway, when it happened last week,?I really couldn't deal with talking to anyone besides my mom. I didn't even return my sister's phone call right away.

I've also been feeling very distant from DH, who just doesn't seem as affected by the loss. Yesterday I had a big conversation with him about this and I also found out that apparently his family is hurt because they feel that I've shut them out. They want to be there for me, he says. I tried to explain to him that they can be there for me by not making me feel guilty for needing space. He doesn't seem to really get my need for privacy right now either, so I'm not sure how well he will be able to explain this to his family.

I need to focus on myself and my marriage right now and not worry about hurting his family's feelings. I don't understand how they can say they want to support me and then not support me in the way I need. What can I do?

?

k827 · August 2009

im sorry May that you have to go through this. It is such a devastating time. The only thing i can offer is when I went through my m/c the first time I just tried to explain to my husband that I was just mourning it differently than he was and need some time and space. You will get through this..take care of yourself and feel everything you have to feel. I hope your able to find some peace.

Mouseygail · August 2009

I'm so sorry for your loss! If you are feeling up to it, maybe you can write a letter to them explaining how you just need to be alone and grieve in your own way right now, but you know that they are there for you when you are ready?

Dr.Loretta · August 2009

It's always hard, because everyone deals with it differently and friends/family often don't know what to do.

To be honest, it might be worth it to send a mass e-mail out or have your DH call his family and say that you need some time to process your loss, and you hope they'll let you take that time so that you can grieve. Maybe open up a little and say it's hit you harder than you ever expected, and you really need some alone time to deal with things, but that you still love them and want them to know that you'll be OK.

I'm sorry for your loss.

shipoopiisforme · August 2009

i want to reach through the screen and give you a big hug. i opted for the d&c, but other than that our stories sound very similar. i am an intensely private person and just wanted to be alone with mh most of the time after my m/c. my family generally means well but is generally very needy and for once i had to worry about myself and mh first.

i think all you can do is tell your family how you are feeling, and what you need to heal. unfortunately my family was not very supportive even when i did that but mh was. and as awful as this whole experience has been it has brought us even closer and strengthened our love for each other.

right now you need to worry about you and take care of you, on your terms. it's unfortunate that your or your h's family feels shut out, but their feelings are not important right now, this was your and your h's loss, not theirs and you need to deal with this so that you can move forward.

if you ever want to talk please pm me.

Jin'sWifey · August 2009

I am sorry you have to deal with all of this on top of your loss..Like pp have said everyone deals with losses differently..My DH did not take either of our losses as hard as i did..It was difficult for us to understand where each other were coming from..

I didn't have any trouble with my family or his for that matter..However, i did send a mass email out to those of my friends and family that knew i was pg the first time..It was great b.c i got to tell everyone that we found out the bbay had no hb and that i really didn't want to talk about..i also asked that people give us some space and they did..maybe that would work for Dh's family too?

GL! I hope you are able to find some sort of closure that works best for you! hang in there!

AuburnBride06 · August 2009

Hi. First of all {{[HUGS}}}}.

I totally understand about not being able to talk to anyone. With 3 of my four losses (1 was so early that no one else knew), I refused to talk to any of my family or friends. The only person I could even manage to be around was DH. Like you, I would just let the phone ring when my sisters, my brother, or anyone for that matter would call. Actually, I still haven't returned 1 of my sister's calls, and we lost our babies on July 19. I just don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear the "are you oks?" etc. Physically, besides the fact that the stupid bleeding wont end and I cant have sex with my husband, yea im fine. Not going to die or anything. Emotionally, another story. Then I want to say to them, "emotionally? well, thats another story, but you really dont want to hear about all that and I really dont want you to either".

As for your DH, it's not that he is not as affected. But men handle this kind of loss differently. How could they not? The baby wasnt growing inside of them. As mothers, we instinctively love that baby, I think before we ever really know it is even there. The loss hits us differently because it is our bodies that couldnt hold on to them, so right then and there, no matter how irrational, we feel the guilt. It's just different; not less. I think most of the time, our husbands just don't know how to express what they are feeling. My DH has broken down a few times during our long journey, sometimes it takes him a while. He told me that while he is hurting so bad, he knows he needs to be strong for me. We are able to mourn together, but then he is like my rock and helps me pick myself up off the floor. Just be close to him & give him his space to grieve in whatever way he needs to; whether it's outwardly showing his sadness or nt. Just be together and talk when you need to talk.

As far as his family goes, honestly, dont worry about them. Who cares? Now is not the time to be worrying about their feelings or anyone elses. The only people that matter right now are you and your husband. Just tell your husband that you are not ready to talk to anyone, that it is a natural part of it. He needs to not give you a hard time, relay it to his family and leave it at that. Tell him to tell them that you appreciate their wanting to console you, but right now you just need some time & that once you start to heal, you'll be able to talk with them. Tell them thats the best support they can give right now. After that, forget about it. Don't worry about it. They'll get over it.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I know the feeling all too well. {{{HUGS}}}

alwyzbsy · August 2009

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry.

I think men react differently. I felt like DH just didn't get it, but in time I realized that it just affected him differently, and he was being strong for me. I think that you need to take time for yourself, and people should respect that, so I'm not sure what to suggest about DH's family. (((hugs)))

waitingforbaby#2 · August 2009

I'm so sorry you are going through this

(((hugs)))

patchen30 · August 2009

I am sorry you are going through that:( The only thing I feel like I can add to this is re: your DH's family, I think sometimes it is VERY hard for people to empathize with someone's plight unless they have actually been in those shoes before. I can think of examples of things that have happened in my life over the years (obviously on a lesser scale) that happened to friends of mine before me and although I felt bad for them, I didn't really understand just how awful those things were until I experienced them myself. So even though your DH's family is trying to "be there for you", they probably don't realize how truly selfish it is for them to require that you act a certain way right now. I agree with pp that at this point who cares about them - just focus on yourself and your DH. ((((hugs)))))

marrie2himonly · August 2009

I am so sorry you are going through this loss on some many levels. (((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))) to you and I hope your family and your dh give you the time and space that you need.

caityr · August 2009

May I am so sorry. I was blindsided by my m/c and could not really cope with it very well at all. My dh was sad but dealing in a diff way. We were not "out" at that time to his family so we did not tell them anything. Even my mom who was so sad for me was not sure what to do or say. People just need to understand you are mourning and that is diff for everyone. With IF these losses are even esp harder b/c the pregnancies took so long, so much work/drugs/tears/etc. Most people do NOT relate to that. I would have dh tell them that May is coping her best right now and would appreciate your support-and the best way ti support her is to wait to approach her. Again I am so sorry and please let me know if u need to talk:))

Dragonfly1226 · August 2009

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's completely understandable that you don't feel like talking about it with anyone. I went through the same thing after my m/c. I didn't even answer my phone. DH took all of the calls so I wouldn't have to deal with it. You're totally right to say that the way your family can support you is to understand that you need some space right now. This is not about them, and you should not be made to feel guilty about taking care of yourself. I guess the only thing you can do is to try to get your dh to see your point of view. Besides that, I think you are doing everything right by trying to take care of yourself. I guess another option would be to send out a short email to the family your dh is talking about. You can thank them for their concern and let them know that it means a lot to know that you can go to them when you are ready. This is a really hard time, and nobody else can tell you how to grieve. Please continue to take care of yourself. (((((HUGEHUGS)))))

Tarahville · August 2009

I'm so sorry for your loss. (((Hugs)))

It's so very hard to get through this process. Everyone deals with this differently and I know that when I wanted space I was protecting myself from people's unwanted comments on how "God has a plan" or "It happened for a reason" or unwanted craptastic advice that they wanted to give.

What I think we all forgot to do during this process was communicate with each other what our needs were during this hard time. We're still learning how to deal with it and it's been over a year since we lost baby Faith.

So, my best advice is to communicate with everyone and just let them know that you love them and you need your space and make sure to tell them exactly what it is that you expect from them. That way there are no questions and you're all on the same page.

Many many hugs to you.

may2806 · August 2009

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. It means a lot. I feel like you girls are the only ones who understand! I will talk to DH...his fam isn't really the email type but I'll see if I can get him to relay my message to them, that I appreciate their concern but I just need some time to be on my own.

Romeo&Denise · August 2009

Awww... thank you for your earlier post. I just finally worked my way down here. Work on taking care of YOU. My DH also has a hard time dealing with me when I'm not my usual happy self, so I try not to breakdown in front of him.

In the end of it all, do whatever you need to do to grieve and try to get back to a better place. I've come to realize that it's more difficult for my DH to feel what I'm going through because there is less of a connection since he doesn't go through as much physically let alone emotionally.

As far as my inlaws, I've decided to talk to them another time about it all. Perhaps in a few months when I'm more stable and less focused on recovering from this nightmare. But DH does need to be more understanding to help you through it... I'm still working on getting mine to understand where I'm coming from.

Hang in there, and in the meantime, we are all here for you. ***HUGS***

Want a personalized experience?

Finding it hard to deal (m/c mentioned)

Re: Finding it hard to deal (m/c mentioned)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards