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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
summerbee1
member
Long: I need some support/advice about unsupportive MIL problems (also a vent)
summerbee1
member
Any feedback (good or bad) would be greatly appreciated.
So here is my story, briefly: had a natural m/c last week, after 10 weeks of pregnancy. This was our first. I live in Argentina with my husband. His whole family is here, mine is in Texas.
So, my MIL has made two really hurtful comments this last week and I just don't know how I'm going to get past them. It has caused a huge rift in the family and most importantly, between DH and me. She first told us (10 min after we found out there was no more heartbeat), "Oh well, you just need to get back to work and bring me a baby back from your vacation next week." I can't even have sex because I'm still bleeding and furthermore, why does it always have to be about her?
THEN, she came over yesterday and DH and I were having a rough day (it was kid's day here in Argentina, so it was a little tough considering we're still dealing with the fact we are not going to be having a kid). She told me that if she had known that she was going to have to put up with us being in a bad mood, then she wouldn't have come!!! To top it off, she said that if I don't stop obsessing about pregnancy, I will never be able to have a kid!!!! (Of course DH was not around when these things were said).
I left in tears and went outside. DH was gone for a few hours and when he got back, his mom and I were arguing again, because she wanted to know what she had said to upset me so much. She went and told him that she doesn't ever want to help us out again because I am ungrateful and rude and don't think about other's feelings!?!?!?!?!?!
I was RUDE. VERY RUDE. She got pregnant 6 times, all by accident, and had 3 abortions, and has 3 kids. I did bring up something to the fact that sorry I didn't just get pregnant all the time to the point that I could throw my kids away with a second thought. I know that was wrong wrong wrong. But it was said in response to the "never being able to have a kid" comment, which INFURIATED me, not mention hurt more than I could have ever imagined. She said that I acted like pregnancy was an illness...which I never did, I NEVER ONCE took a day off during the time I was pg, I only stopped riding horses, which my FIL (who is an OB) told me to do. I still helped out as much as I could, was there for 100% of the support DH needed (we work together training horses).
She now claims she never said those things. DH and I are fighting, it seems like he is picking her side!!!!!!!! I don't know how to move on. I feel so alone and like no one understands me. They both think that I should apologize for not "acting in the right way" yesterday. F*ck me, sorry if I had a bad day....
Anyone got any advice or something to help me out here?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Long: I need some support/advice about unsupportive MIL problems (also a vent)
yowzahs. that's rough. i could understand how the comments she said would hurt you.
it seems to me like there's a lot of pride on the line. she hurt your feelings, and you hurt hers back. you recognize that what you said was hurtful and wrong. but why should you apologize to her when she was the one who started it? i can understand this. i can understand that 1) you feel somewhat justified in your response because you wouldn't have said anything if she hadn't said anything first, and 2) you're afraid that if you do apologize, you would be condoning her actions, and she will not take responsibility for hers. i can definitely understand why this would make you not want to reach out to her.
despite this, i doubt she will reach out to you first. which means that if you don't reach out to her, you'll both probably sit and stew, and continue to point blame at the other person, dragging your family into taking sides. i honestly do not think you can go wrong with accepting responsibility for your actions and apologizing to her. you can point out that what she said hurt you, but try not to make that the main focus because then she wont believe you are sincere.
even if she dismisses you, at least your conscience can be clear. she may still say and do hurtful things to you, but you can not control her actions. at least you will know that you are being the "bigger person", and through this, hopefully your husband will see that his mom is being a trouble maker and he'll have the balls to stand up to her.
good luck!
I have been in therapy for the past year trying to figure out how to deal with my in-laws. I come from a very dysfunctional family, and they are like the cleavers. I have a very hard time having "parents" around. Our situations are a little different, but I have learned something over the past year. My therapist has taught me that I cannot change what other people say or do, but I can control my response. I have also learned to set comfortable boundaries for myself. I have to try very hard to bite my tongue and be the "bigger" person in many situations, but it is for the better good of my marriage. I do make my DH aware of my feelings when we are alone, so he does understand my feelings. I used to make snide comments about his family that really hurt his feelings. But, now that I am better able to explain how I am feeling when I have cooled off he is much more understanding. Your MIL will most likely never change, but maybe she will lay off a little if she does not get her expected reaction from you. I always take a book or magazine with me when I am around them so that I can excuse myself for a little alone time now ad then. It is emotionally draining at times, and stepping away from it all helps. It is getting much easier. I am now way more comfortable, and i hope it will continue to get better.
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you the best.
I think there's a some cultural considerations to make on her part, and probably some underlying transferance coming from her, if she's made some decisions in the past to end pregnancies... what woman does not have issues with that of some sort?!
Sometimes you just have to say "what an arse" and just block them out. While we'd love to believe she's out to get you, and sucks, she probably just just does not know better. Not a whole lot you can do about that.
But maybe we can all wish that a horse steps on her foot, or better yet, gently kicks some sense into her? yes yes? ;-)