- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
summerbee1
member
VENT/question: share the ugly comments people have made
summerbee1
member
so to start off i should not complain, i've had a lot of support this last week from some great friends (and some acquaintances who've become friends in this sad time).
but, since it's the morning and i feel like crap in the mornings and all depressed, i'd like to dwell on the uglier comments i've had so far in one week's time:
"you shouldn't have been riding horses while pregnant" (i ride horses professionally, but hadn't ridden since i found out i was pregnant due to dr's orders..). i replied, "i haven't been riding, in case you haven't been paying attention"
same lady said, "well, then you must have just been too nervous about being pregnant and that's why you lost it"
the ever-present, "well, you just need to keep on practicing, that's the fun part anyways..."
DH's best friend's wife, "well, you can come over and play with my two daughters anytime you want" (after spending 10 minutes trying to get them to talk to me on the phone.....UGH)
my mom, "well, you should have known coming right off the pill that you would have problems" (went off the pill over 6 months ago, even though they say it doesn't cause problems)
mother-in-law, "when you go on vacation this week, you will have to go to work and bring me back a grandchild from San Martin" (where we are vacationing) TOO BAD I CAN'T EVEN HAVE SEX YET. this was said 10 minutes after we found out i was miscarrying.
"maybe your body just wasn't ready" WTF is that supposed to mean???? and HOW in the world should it help?
ok, so vent over, for now.
if anyone else wants to share/vent the dumb/ugly comments, this would be the thread.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: VENT/question: share the ugly comments people have made
my mother: "well, you've had a very easy and smooth life. you have a job, you own a house, you're married...everything has worked out for you fairly easily. maybe this happened to help you keep your life in perspective"
said while sitting in my living room two hours after my d&c. thanks mom. love you too.
I work as an RN in the NICU and I had a coworker point to a baby with some chromosomal issues and said "you wouldn't have wanted to deal with that....it's probably for the best that you had a m/c." Now, 2 things: 1st: I would have loved and cherished any child, no matter what the possible issues and 2nd: we did testing and my baby was perfect. Gah! Who the heck says that?!?!
I also had some issues with the billing department at my OB's. With my insurance, I only have one copay per pregnancy. After my first appointment I got a bill, which I paid right away. About a month after the 2nd appoitment (where we found out that I would m/c), I recieved another bill. When I called to ask about the mistake, I was told that since I "failed to carry to term" each appointment was billed seperately. Total slap in the face.
there were a lot of really lame comments. but i especially hated it when people would say "i had a feeling something was wrong..." i wanted to punch them in the face. YOU had nothing to do with this. YOU knew nothing about this, you know nothing about what i'm going through now.
so stfu.
"well, those middle of the night feedings will be much easier with one than two" (spoken by a mother of twins!)
"at least you still have one" I get this a LOT. ONE is not a consolation prize for a death of another.
I remember two that stuck out like a sore thumb:
1. Co- workers would say that I was mostly stressed by work which would cause me to misscarry. Feedback: I got a new role that they all wanted.
2. At least I would not have to worry about the kid suffering from having a Christmas birthday.
Oh do some people need to keep their mouths closed. I got some of the stupidest comments from my family and friends. My own sister told me that it wasnt the end of the world and she wouldnt have been so upset if it happened to her. I hated being told it will be ok you can try again, the infamous at least you can get pregnant. Well I bet something was wrong thats why it happened. It felt like they were talking about an inadament object not the life I just lost. Sometimes just I am sorry works or I am here if you want to talk. Dont try to fix me...I am so glad I found this site. I appreciate venting with you ladies.
((hugs)) to everyone in this thread. I'm sorry people can be so insensitive.
from a friend: "there was something wrong with the baby, I just know it, and He (God) chose for it not to be born right then."
There was nothing wrong with my baby, ok? It is no comfort to tell me it's better our baby wasn't born. Not helpful.
Mine came from someone who struggled getting pg and could not get pg on her own(had to use drugs): Well at least you know you can get pg..I couldn't.
I wanted to say well at least you can carry yours..getting pg is only one step..staying pg is another.
I know she didn't mean it but it still hurt.
Unfortunately I have one more comment to add. It came from my mother-in-law and touched off what might be the family feud of the century!!!!
"If you don't stop obsessing over every little thing in life, you WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO HAVE A CHILD"
Said today, over lunch at my house. I swear I will kill this lady someday. After I've listened to her OBSESS over my father-in-law for the last 6 months since they got divorced and complain and cry and be just generally impossible to be around. I'm the ONLY one in the family who listened and stuck up for her because I felt sorry for her. Obviously because I'm the newest member of the family I didn't have the whole story and was WRONG.
what an awful person. somedays i just hate everyone.
One of my male coworkers he's a very immature 19yo and had just been dumped by his girlfriend of a year asked me how my husband was doing with all this and I told him that he was just worried about me. HE goes on for 30 mins to tell me how he knows how it is to be heartbroken since Kelly left him, and how hard it is to move on. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? He is the most self absorbed person I have ever met. I wanted so bad to get mad at him and go off, but Im not sure he would get it. Also today, of all days, I was having a very bad day i.e I woke up bitter and sad and could think of nothing but the m/c, I went to church and after Homecoming dinner a lady said to me after looking at my stomach "Aww your starting to show" it killed me. I left and broke down in the car. So not only do I not have my baby Im fat on top of everything.
A quick background fyi before I post my quote: DH and I had just gone to a fertility clinic since it had officially been a year since TTC. All we had was the initial meeting and DH had a SA before we found out we were expecting 2 weeks later.
The doctor I saw the day they confirmed my miscarriage said this to me: "Well, you can go back to the fertility clinic and you won't have to go through the initial paperwork and all again. It was probably a fluke thing that you got pregnant on your own anyway." Geez, way to kick me when I'm already down!
TTC #1 since 7/08 After 3 years, 2 losses, 3 rounds of IUI, and one round of IVF, we finally have our dream come true! DS born 7/30/11
TTC #2 off and on since 7/12
One of my closest friends who I have known for years said (this is right after I had my D&E): "Well now you can move on and get over it"....Ok like I'm just going to forget that it never happened. Then she goes on to say...."Look at it this way....live and learn" WTF...really!!!!!
I have actually heard a lot of the comments already posted, but what really got me was 4 days after my D&C we had a family dinner with the ILs. SIL who is 27 to 30 weeks pregnant and on bedrest due to the baby not growing enough (and had my nephew at 27 weeks) was complaining all night about lack of sleep (from the baby moving too much), how much easier it is to have the baby early (and hoping she delivered soon, ummm... WTF?!?! a preterm baby would not be "easier"), how sucky bed rest is (what I wouldn't give to still have a baby even if it meant 9 months of bed rest), about how her friend had 4 m/c in a year and still had a baby later (is that supposed to make me feel better?)... I seriously wanted to end just about every complaint out of her mouth with, well at least you are still pregnant.
No one who just m/c after trying for freaking NINE MONTHS to get pg in the first place wants to hear complaints from a pg lady. NO ONE! UGGG! K... vent over!
Elijah Matthew - 5/3/07 ~ Adalyn Rosemary - 3/23/11
*Photos by Kacy Cierley*
I was telling my grandmother about our 2nd loss and she knows all about our infertility issues and how difficult it was for me to even get pg. I was telling her how hard it was for me to be around visibly pg women and young babies. She then said, "Well, you'll just have to get over it!" Thanks. Just what I wanted to hear.
I also remember telling my BFF that we were probably m/cing again and she knew all about our IF issues. She never said sorry but did say 'Well, at least you don't have to worry about using protection."
And the typical "Well, at least you weren't that far along" or "Well, it was in God's plans."
People who make insensitive comments obviously never experienced a miscarriage.
So far, both from my mom:
"I'm sure it's because you're under so much stress"... Ugh.
"It's probably for the best" (because DH just got laid off) Um, it's NEVER for the best.
I'm finding that the best way to fend off ignorant comments is to just say--
"there's nothing to say, and I really don't want to talk about it."
This is NOT the end of the world, I appreciate that, but there is NO bright side here.
My MIL:
"Maybe it was a test to see if you were really ready to become parents."