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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
My intro... hello ladies- really long
Hey there-
So I had a late term miscarriage. I was 17 weeks when it happened, but it's been too hard to post on here that it actually happened. Everything was going really well in the pregnancy up until a couple of days until the baby was born.
After straining to go to the bathroom, when I wiped I noticed a little bit of red blood. My worst nightmare was beginning. The Dr. was able to see me an hour later, so I rushed over. She brought the doppler and found the baby's heartbeat immediately, which brought some major relief. She did a pelvic exam and when she felt my cervix, she said it felt soft. She said there was a procedure that might need to be done, and that was to have a cerclage put in. She sent me over to a specialist to have my cervix measured, and also to get his ideas as to what the next step should be.
I measured at 2.2cm, which is short. Typically the cervix is 4cm. I guess generally before he puts the cerclage in, he wants to make sure that the woman doesn't have a fluctuating cervix where it shortens and get longer on it's own, so both doctors decided to wait a week and remeasure and then if it hasn't gotten longer then the cerclage would be put in. So I was told to take it easy and we would wait and see what happens.
So the weekend was pretty dull. Didn't do anything out of the ordinary because I was taking it easy so that nothing further could happen. Well on Sunday night we went out to dinner with my Grandparents and also my Mom who happened to be visiting. After dinner we went home and what I thought was going to be a normal night turned for the worse quickly. We were tired and getting ready for bed, when I started to get crampy. At first I couldn't tell if it was really bad gas pains or the bad kind of pain. So i tried going to the bathroom with no relief so I laid down on the couch before I told DH what was going on. He's gone to bed and I feel like I am dying on the couch when finally relief. Yay, I thought it was gas or whatever and I could go to bed now. Nope. It came back. I thought this can't be good, and in a matter of minutes my pain went from 0-10. I woke up DH curled over in pain telling him we needed to go to the ER. Poor guy was sleeping, so I throw him the phone and told him to call my OB and ask what we should do. My normal OB wasn't on call so they had a different Dr. that I swear I wanted to slap him in the face because he wasn't listening to me, and didn't know what had happened a few days earlier.
So we get to the ER and I'm in the worst pain of my life. I am having what I think are contractions and they are really close together. I'm talking minutes together if not seconds. Well apparently the ER doesn't think I'm an emergency. I'm already a crazy pregnant lady and the ER check in staff turned me into a psycho. We waited for hours. We arrived at the ER at 11:30pm and weren't called back until almost 4am. I'm in tears and people with broken arms are being seen before me. I'm sorry, but I was outraged. At some point I must have cried myself to sleep in between the pain and slept for a bit curled up on the chairs. When I woke up I actually felt better, I thought I am going to laugh if this is just gas pain. I would feel stupid, but as long as everything is ok that's all that matters. DH at one point asked if I wanted to go home. I said no, I wanted to find out why I was in so much pain. Then sure enough the contractions come back. They weren't as bad or close together as before, but they were back. So finally the once busy ER waiting room is now just me and DH. We finally get called back and we waited some more before the ER Dr. came in. She wanted to do an u/s and a pelvic exam. I was so nervous when the u/s was being done. I even told her I didn't want to know. Then she said I think you do, and I did. The baby was doing fine. The heart rate was great and the baby was kicking around. She did the pelvic exam and said that I definitely felt soft and said the cerclage should probably be put in, but she wanted to get an OB down to examine me. An OB comes down and I was excited. I thought great everything is going to be ok. After her examination, she sat beside my bed and told me that I was already 4cm dilated and this was going to be a miscarriage. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I couldn't believe it. She said there were 3 options. A rescue cerclage to try and save the pregnancy, vaginally delivering the baby or having a D&C. With the rescue cerclage there was only a 10% chance that the baby would even make it to 24 weeks, which is when they are able to help the baby along with the developments. I know the chances were low, but I knew instantly what my choice was, but DH and I didn't agree. I wanted the cerclage and he wanted me to have the baby knowing that it wouldn't survive. We spoke it over. He didn't want me to get my expectations up and then have this happen again in a couple of weeks and he didn't want to see the baby hooked up on all of the machines because it wasn't fair to him or her. (we didn't know the sex at the time) After talking it over he said to do the cerclage, which was music to my ears. We told the OB our decision and she said she'd get the ball rolling. Next we had an u/s and the baby was moving around and the heart rate was at 155. When the u/s was over, they had me put towels under my hips to keep my pelvis tilted. I didn't know why at the time, but soon later found out. They didn't have any open rooms up in the L&D where I would be examined by the OB surgeon and then sent down to OR, so she came down to examine me in the ER. DH had left to go home and feed the dog and cats and change which was fine because my Mom was there, but I told him to rush so he'd be there when she examined me. He came right as she was finishing and was just in time for the bad news. My cervix was down to nothing. There would be no tissue for her to put the stitch through. My decision has now been made for me.
I'll save the rest of the details, but my water broke on its own later that evening and at 5:30 am July 14, 2009 I gave birth to a baby boy. A little over the size of my palm, so small yet so beautiful. I was amazed that I made that little guy. We had our time with him before we had to let him go. We named him Lucas with my maiden name as his middle name and DH's last name as his last.
Once I was discharged DH and I went out of town to get away. It was a nice time to just be together and process everything we had been through. While away, I would check in and read the postings that you ladies had posted, but never actually could write.
Tomorrow is Lucas' burial. It's been hard putting all of that together, but I'm glad we'll have this last thing to remember him by.
As much as I don't want to be here, I'm glad that everyone on here is really supportive.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My intro... hello ladies- really long
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I hope you will be able to find some comfort here. These ladies are amazingly supportive and understanding.
You, your DH and Lucas will be in my thoughts and prayers.
TTCAL buddy to LMichelleG - Praying for a miracle
PgALbuddy to CanonMom & BriAZ - Congrats on your beautiful little girls Labor Buddy to Luvsbunny
aw linds, I am so sorry! I can't even begin to imagine what you have been through these last few days. If you need anything, we're here for you!
I am sooo sorry for your loss. I am just heart-broken for you. I pray that you will find peace and comfort as you process your grief. Huge Hugs for you right now!
Your story is so sad, I have tears rolling down my cheeks. Damn ER, crap why couldn't they see you sooner!? I guess the outcome would have been the same.
I am so sorry. Your description tugged at my hear strings, "a little over the size of my palm, so small yet so beautiful. I was amazed that I made that little guy."
God bless and hugs.
prayers to u & little lucas.
I can't imagine going through something like this. very strong of you to post. Hugs & prayers & I wish you the best in your future. little lucas will always be with you
APS, hetero factor v leiden & MTHFR
bfp #1 - 12.11.07, edd 8.14.08, mm/c 1.21.08 (10w4d)
bfp #2 - 4.4.08, edd 12.3.08, mm/c 5.14.08 (11w)
bfp #3 - 8.3.08, edd 4.15.09, mm/c 9.17.08 (10w)
bfp #4 - 1.15.09, edd 9.26.09, mm/c 2.16.09 (8w2d)
bfp #5 - 6.16.09, edd 2.25.10, mm/c 7.23.09 (9w)
bfp #6 - 8.12.10, edd 4.27.11, mm/c 9.16.10 (8w1d)
one more try -> bfp #7 - 2.11, our miracle baby boy arrived 10.11
ttc again -> bfp #8 - 5.3.13, edd 1.13.14, mm/c 5.30.13 (7w3d)
I am sitting here at work crying so much I had to close my door. I am very sorry for your loss. It is just so sad. I am glad you got to see your son kicking and moving around and even held him.
I am on this board today in limbo waiting to resolve my third loss. This morning I was rereading some poems I wrote down while grieving my 12w loss last year. I can't imagine how you must feel and I don't really have any words that can help, but I thought maybe I would share a poem I reread this morning and maybe you would know that you aren't alone with this horrible greif that mothers who lost their babies share. I will be thinking of you and your husband.
Thoughts For The Child I Lost (unknown author)
There might come a day sometime in the future
When I don?t think about you constantly,
Wonder what you would have looked like,
What color your hair would have been,
And how your smile might have looked.
There might come a day sometime in the future
When I won?t wonder what I did wrong.
When I won?t blame myself.
When the sharp blade of pain will become dull.
When I can accept this as meant to be.
There might come a day sometime in the future
When I carry another child
And though I will love him beyond measure
And though I will hold him a little tighter,
And though he will be my child,
He won?t be you.
There might come a day sometime in the future
When I am happy again.
When I can let go.
When I can look at a baby without aching for you.
But it won?t be today.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Lucas is very lucky to have such a special mommy who went through so much to try to get him here safely. I am so sorry that you had such a long night but glad that you got to meet your precious little boy. I lost my little girl Zoe at 16 weeks 4 days my experience was different from yours but I understand how you are feeling. If you ever need someone to talk to I would be more than happy.
I have found that blogging has really helped me work through some of my emotions. Maybe blogging or journaling would be helpful for you as well. You and your DH are in my thoughts and I hope that little Lucas, my sweet Zoe and all the other little angels of this board are playing together in heaven. Hugs.
I can't begin to imagine what you and your dh have just experienced. I'm sure that God added an angel to heaven that day.
I will keep you in my prayers. I know we're not supposed to discuss religion, but I am a Christian and I'm also a firm believer that if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. May God be with you and your dh.
I cannot describe how sorry I am for your horrible loss.
I know Lucas will remain in your heart forever.
((HUGS))
I'm so sorry for your loss and everything you had to go through. I have no words for you because right now the only thing you can do is grieve. We loss our Patrick at 17 weeks back in November, I remember like it was yesterday how much it hurt, but things will get better.
I will keep you, your husband and Lucas in my prayers.
My heart is breaking for you. I'm so very sorry that this is now part of your life's story. You took part in the making of an angel and I hope that brings you both peace one day.
Bless you both. You, your H and Little Lucas are being prayed for. Take care and find comfort in this board.
9 angels in heaven-3 in my arms and 1 in the NICU
Mono/di twin girls: Josephine born to heaven and Evangeline born Earthside at 25w
I'm so sorry for your loss. We recently had a 2nd trimester loss as well. I was not able to get the cerclage that I needed either, but I didn't progress quite as rapidly as you did.
I'm so sorry that you had to deal with the ER at a time like that. I can't believe how long it took someone to see you.
We are also planning a get away to have some time alone. I'm glad that your DH and you were able to do that.
I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. How awful. You will be in my thoughts tomorrow. (((((((hugs)))))))
Your story sounds similar to mine except that my water had broken before they found out I was having contractions and was in labor. Mine wasnt cervix related I had chorioamnionitis (infection in my amniotic fluid)...
My heart broke reading your post because I have been there (18 wks) Its a horrible experience and I am so sorry you are going thru this right now..
I hope that you treasure every moment you had with Lucas. Its a very tough thing but seeing him and holding him for those brief moments you will cherish forever (I know that is the case with me and Grace).
The ladies on this board are so supportive. I dont know how I would have gotten thru without the support of these wonderful ladies. I have unfortunately been on this board twice, but Im happy that I met the ladies I did. Some of them have become IRL friends.
If there is anything I can do to help you thru please dont hesitate to ask. I have been in your shoes. I have a blog - I have found blogging to be very therapeutic (link in siggy if you are interested).
May God Bless & Keep you during these rough times. (((hugs))))