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Parenting after a Loss
Girls i need to vent! LOOOOONG
OK, i know i don't post here regularly but you girls know me the best..I am serioulsy about to flip the F out!!!!!
As many of you know, my SIL has OFFERED to be a surrogate for us IF we need her..I NEVER asked her she VOLUNTEERED..anyway, a day after my second hysteroscope i was talking to my father and he alluded to the fact that perhaps my SIL had changed her mind about being a surrogate for us..i was crushed...i asked him if he was sure or if this was another way for my parents to "get their way" He got mad so i dropped it
Well, 2 weeks ago i asked my SIL about her thoughts again..If she was having a change of heart etc...I told her if she did it was completely fine and i wouldn't feel any differently about her..She said she felt exactly the same way she did when she offered and asked why i thought she may feel differently..I told her about the convo i had with my Dad..She then proceded to tell me that my Mom had come over and sat her down to "talk" to her about the whole "surrogate thing"
Basically, my Mom tried to talk her out of it b/c "people" at church will talk and what will we tell my neice and nephews or our own kid..blah blah blah..My SIL told my Mom that we had discussed all this..She also told my Mom that this situation was between 4 people (me,Jin, her and my brother) SHe said that shut my Mom up..
I had decided to not say anything to my Mom about this b/c i wanted to keep the peace..Well, honestly it has been eating me up inside and i am feeling increasingly more angry toward both my parents so i decided nicely ask my Mom about her feelings and see why she felt the need to "talk" to my SIL about something that didn't concern her
I was very proud of myself..i didn't yell i spoke calmly..I told her my feelings were hurt b/c Dad tried to convince me of something that wasn't true (that my SIL was changing her mind) I also told her that i knew she talked to my SIL and that hurt as well.It was like she went behind my back..Well, she denied EVERYTHING! She told me that they were just "talking" and it just came up..right...Then she blamed EVERYTHING on my Dad and said he was the one with the problem and i should talk to him..even though at the end of the conversation she did mention that people at church (her friends) "will talk" or my neice "will talk"...she acted like we are doing something shameful..I told her that it really disappointed me that apppearances seemed more important to her then me and Jin's happiness..Then my Mom once agian mentioned adoption so i got off the phone with her
Yes adoption is a wonderful/beautiful thing but it isn't the right choice for us at this time and it is something that WE have to decide on NOT them
SO, today i spoke with my Dad...He also blamed my Mom..UGH, i hate that they got caught no one will fess up! Then my Dad procedes to tell me that maybe i need to "calm" down when it came to all this TTC stuff..I guess b/c TTC for over 2 yrs and having 2 losses and wanted to move on is "rushing" things..He also decided to tell me that our decision could "effect" the entire family...Girls, i was shaking when i got off the phone with him...I am seriously very close to never speaking to either of them again...
I decided after talking to my SIL a few weeks ago that i will stop including my parents in any of our TTC journey (which i told my Mom)..It sucks that it has to be that way but it has come to that..They are doing nothing but stressing me out..i feel so let down that they can't just be supportive of whatever it is that we decide! Adoption just seems like a more "PC" answer to them..
I started talking to them about surrogacy just incase we need it...i thought i was doing a good thing by preparing my family and all it did was blow up in my face! Like i need this!!!!!! Like i don't have enough things to worry about..thanks for letting me vent...Jin is so tired of hearing about it..He is just as pissed/hurt/upset as i am..Thanks for giving me another outlet
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Girls i need to vent! LOOOOONG
m/c 1/2/08 and 3/12/08
Eve Amelia- Born 2/24/09. 6lb 9.9oz
Natalie Ruth - Born 6/13/11 7lb 6.6oz
GRRRRRRR!
I am mad at your mom and dad too!
I just don't understand why tyey don't want the best for you?
((hugs))
I am so so sorry that your parents are not there for you like they should be. I would be very hurt as well if my parents treated me like that. I would also not include them in any more TTC news for quite awhile. My grandma told me that my last m/c was a relief to her. She thought that I was getting pg too soon after my son was born. I have decided not to tell her about the new pregnancy until I see her again in October. She doesn't need to know, just like your parents don't need to know. I wouldn't say anything to them unless they ask in the future.
I am so glad that your brother and SIL are supporting you guys and offering their help if you should need it in the future. It sounds like they are a wonderful couple, and great friends.
Big hugs!
Wow, what an incredible gift for your SIL to want to give you! That is an extraordinary and beautiful thing, and I think it sucks that your parents want to poop all over it.
I think you handled it very well and you are right; all you can do is just not include them in your future decisions. That stinks though. Its a hard enough process to go through; some familial support would be helpful!
sometimes parents just piss me off! I know that someday my little boy will be saying the same thing about me someday, but still!
How rude of you parents to be so unsupportive, and then the immaturaty of pointing the other finger!
I think you handled things well and made the right choice by deciding not to have them be involved.
I think that down the road, they will get over it, and be proud that they have a grandchild. Maybe s/he'll evn have some features inherited by them, ya know?
its already been a long journey for you, and there is more ahead, but it really sounds like they are just worried about gossip, which is silly and minor. Honestly, if your mother ever mentions her fear of judgement from her "friends" at church - maybe remind her about the story of casting the stones!
best of luck hun! ((super big hugs))
I am sooo sorry, hun! They had no right to do what they did. And I would also feel hurt and let down.
I think that leaving them out of this part of your life is your best option from how they are acting. Just stick with SIL... sounds like she's definitely on your side.
And I know it might be wrong of me to say but who the F*** cares what the church ladies say?! They aren't living in your house, they aren't raising this baby... they can have their opinions but their opinions won't matter. BTW, your niece will be ok and adapt. Kids are a lot more open to these things than adults are.
((( HUGS )))
OMG! They are so insensitive!! I think it is beautiful that your SIL has offered to be your surrogate. That would create such an incredible bond between you two. What isn't PC about creating a family? As someone who has been there, having a family through unusual means is amazingly rewarding. We don't broadcast Annie's journey to us, but when we do share her story, we do it with pride. We have yet to receive any negative responses. Most people usually cry and congratulate us on our miracle.
I agree with you that this is between the four of you and it would be best to keep your plans to yourself. Only you know what is best for your family.
I, on the other hand, have had many awkward conversations with my mom about why she can't be our surrogate. My eggs are still crap no matter who carries.
wow. i'm so sorry that your parents are so insensitive and shallow as to be more concerned w/ the gossip mongers then their daughter's happiness.
i think u have a good attitude though, it is b/w 4 people and your parents are not part of that group.
((((HUGS)))) you can ALWAYS come here to vent!
(((HUGS))) I am so sorry you have to deal with this on top of all the things you are already going through.
I guess I don't understand why your parents think surrogacy is such a shameful thing. To me, it's an amazing gift to give to someone.
I think you're right to exclude them from you TTC journey from now on. It sounds like they aren't supportive and are only causing you more pain.
((((HUGS)))) Please, feel free to vent here anytime you need. ((((HUGS)))
(m/c 1.17.07, m/c 5.15.07)
DS - 03.15.08
DD2 - 12.03.09
DD3 - 3.28.11
Thanks girls! I had to giggle at the person that said that Jin and my SIL wouldn't be having sex...lol..My SIL actually said that to my Mom too just incase she didn't know..lol..she said my Mom turned white as a ghost..God, i am so sorry i missed that!
The thing is..We don't even go to the same church as my parents...My SIL and brother do but i seriously don't care what a bunch of crotchity old church hens think..I have already spoken with my pastor several times about our options and he is on board and extremely supportive of all of them..
We (my SIL and I ) think my parents are worried about nothing b/c i think people will have a much more positive response then they think! I guess they are extremely worried about the unknown...
I have never thought of any of the negatives about this option b/c my SIL is sooo ppositive when we talk about it..She has told me time and time again that she just wants us to be happy..She told me that she has always known how much i have wanted to be a Mother and she has seen me with her kids and couldn't see me being denied that chance..We are completely on the same page and that is all i care about
We plan on telling my neice and nephews that the baby in Mommy/Aunt Kelly's belly is Aunt Cyndi and Uncle Jin's...I plan on telling my child where they came from b/c i don't think it should be a secret..
Like May said hopefully we won't need it but there is a VERY good chance we may end up at surrogacy so i wanted to prepare everyone..Last time i think of everyone elses feelings..GEEEZ!
Thanks again..i was about to loose my mind today after i got off the phone with my Dad..getting it all out here has made me feel soo much better
Oh and like pinkwedding said...being calm or backing off on treatments like my Dad suggested is NOT going to cure my asherman's or make to scar tissue miraculously disappear
I'm stunned that your parents would (a) have a problem with the (potential) choice you may make and (b) that they would have the nerve to meddle and (c) that they are not up-front enough to admit their true (albeit shallow) feelings to your face.
I'm so sorry, hon. You most certainly DO NOT need this. Hugs.
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Wow. Just WOW. I can't believe your parents. What the heck is wrong with surrogacy? There is nothing dirty or shameful about it. Your SIL is INCREDIBLY generous to offer such an amazing gift. Your parents should be proud to have a DIL that would do something like that to make their other daughter's dreams come true.
Good for you and SIL for telling them what's what!
Oh, my goodness. Cyndi, your parents need to mind their own business. Why are they trying to get involved? Who cares about what people will thing? This is about your family and your happiness. They need to support you or get out of the way!
Thinking about you often. ((big hugs))