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Who has toddlers? (Or older DCs?)
I'm curious about discipline... Right now, I just re-direct Evie if I see she's about to do something that's a no-no. I almost never say "no" unless she's about to do something that might cause her to get hurt.
If you have used gentle discipline, etc. I'd love to hear how it's going & how old your LO is, etc.
Thanks!
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Re: Who has toddlers? (Or older DCs?)
Rated "L" For Life Blog
Redirection is *definitely* your best friend.
And learn some songs. Songs to clean up, brush teeth, enter the car, leave the playground, get into the stroller -- whatever might cause some angst. (You know what the sticky spots are with your child.)
Last night DD wanted to brush her teeth herself. Well, she does the front surface of her front teeth ok, but that's it. We need to scrub those molars. When DH tried to pry the brush away from her she was quite furious. Then I started to sing. DH joined in... then she started laughing and opened her mouth wide. As soon as you see a problem coming, turn the mood around ASAP. Bursting into song works ridiculously well.
Also, try to avoid meltdowns all together. You know their triggers. Instead of bribing/rewarding bad behaviour when they're being little turkeys... reward them while they're still being nice. Set them up for success.
We have a hard time leaving the play area in the stupid mall. A way to get her to leave nicely is to say. "You've been a good girl! Time to go share a frozen yogurt!" And she's outta there. If it's just "We gotta go"? She can get upset. DEFINITELY don't offer the treat if they're howling. "If you stop crying you'll get a cookie." huh?
Also, I'm not a fan of the currently popular time out. I took a parenting class and this is what the instructor believe it communicated to the child: "You're so despicable I'm banishing you from my presence." And then? You separate them from you when they *need you the most*.
(Although I do believe in timeouts for parents. If they do something that strikes a nerve and you get really angry? Remove yourself from the situation. Take a breather. Even if you leave them bawling, it's better for them to cry for a minute or two while you breathe, than for us to yell and be nasty. I'm NOT a CIO person, but leaving a child to cry for a couple of minutes while we collect ourselves is necessary sometimes. It's better than seeing us furious. We can come back and say. "Mommy was really angry and I couldn't take care of you very well for that short time.")
My alternative to time outs for kids? If the undesirable behaviour happens in the living room. Immediately move them to the bedroom. That will change the emotional climate right off the bat. With a young toddler, that's when you can redirect and it's forgotten. With my 2 year old it's a little different -- we can have a talk about it. I ask her what happened. "I broke the X." I ask her if that was a good thing to do. "No." Then I ask how it makes mommy feel. "Sad." Then I ask her what she should say. "Sorry." Then I ask that she please not do that again. Then she promises. And honestly? She rarely repeats the same behaviour.
Anyway, that's a bit of a start. It's all working great here. I actually really love this age.
Morocco, that's fantastic advice!
We are also re-directing. All the time it seems.
And, I am starting to explain to DS why he can't do things, like why it's dangerous to stand up in the bath tub or why we don't feed the dog from his high chair. He doesn't understand yet, but I think it's training me to already be doing that when it does understand.
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Harmony Doula
We primarily use Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood.
If they throw food, meal time is over for 5 min. We offer food again, but usually if they are throwing food it means they are done and want down.
If they take a toy from each other we make them give it back to the original 'owner'. We have a rule of no stealing toys, but if the toy gets dropped, it's fair game. They have learned that each of them are willing to trade. We find Charlotte offering Cooper toys all the time in hopes that he'll drop what he has so she can take it. Cooper will go get Charlotte's favorite toy and pretend to play with it until she notices. Then he goes after what he really wants.
We use positive language instead of negative. 'Sit down on the couch please' instead of 'No standing on the couch please'.
We show empathy by validating their feelings. We say 'I know it's frustrating to not play with that toy right now. Be patient, it will be your turn soon.' or 'I know you are mad/sad that you can't play outside. It's dinner time now.'
We offer choices. Do you want to wear your sandles or your tennis shoes? Do you want carrots or grean beans? Do you want the pink cup or the blue cup? Do you want mommy to carry you or ride in the stroller?
We redirect, but lately that alone works less and less. They have amazing memories!
If they fight over a toy or hit each other with it, we take the toy away for 5 min.
We do time-ins. If we notice they are starting to get cranky and it could turn into a melt down or tantrum, we scoop them up for some cuddle time.
We use hand timeouts to get their attention. If they pull on the blinds or hit each other, we get down to eye level, hold both of their hands in ours, and look them in the eye. We say 'No Hitting' and then stay silent maintaining eye contact (as best we can) for 1 min.
We do use timeout if they do the same thing more than once after trying to use our words, redirection and hand timeout. We sit with them for 1 min. After the min we explain what behavior we want them to do and then tell them we love them and give hugs/kisses. Usually we can warn of timeout and they stop doing what they are doing.
If they have tantrums, we have a safe place for them to calm down. We started it by saying 'Here come sit on the step with mommy and wait here until you have calmed down a bit. Then we can play another game.' It's not punishment and they are free to get up when they want. If they are still crying/throwing a fit we repeat the process. Now we can just say gently, 'Do you want to sit on the step to calm down?' They go right to the step, sit down and then get up when they are done crying. The tantrums are about 1/10th of the length they used to be. They even go to the step on their own throughout the day if they feel tired or overwhelmed.
We keep our emotions in check. We are the adult and can control our emotions, they don't have that control yet. We also look at discipline as a way to teach and just something we have to do as a parent, like changing a diaper or feeding them lunch. I don't get angry about changing a diaper nor am I frustrated while I do it, so I shouldn't have those feelings about discipline either. That change in outlook has helped tremendously.