Maybe I should not be bothered....but (long MIL vent)

Sunndraggon · June 2009

MIL totally blew me off for mothers day. She called our house the day before, talked to my mother and wished her a happy mothers day. The she talked to DH and thanked him for the gift we had sent her (ya know, the one i picked out, wrapped, and sent!) And that was it. She never even asked to talk to me to wish me a happy mothers day. No card. nothing.

While this is her typical MO, DH and I were both pissed and hurt. We decided then not to say anything, and wait and see what happens for fathers day. If she blew him off too, it would be rude, but it would be her being an @$$ in general.If she acknowledged him, then it would be 10 times worse, and far more personal.

So, mail came today, and she sent him a card. In the grand scheme of things, this not a big deal at all, but she is such a selfish, self centered, ignorant, rude person. She made a comment once about
"I just want to love my sons and my grandchildren" Well, she meant it. She could not care less about the 2 women who gave her those grandkids.

We are going to NY in a few weeks, and I have no desire to see her, so i will not be going. And i really don't want DD to see her either but i don't think me "forbidding" DH to take his own daughter would go over very well!! lol. DH is welcome to go see his mother but he doesn't know if he even wants to at this point. Her son and grand daughter are both incredible people and she does not deserve either one of them. I know this all may seem extreme, but this is just the final straw. I truly hate this woman and wish evil things for her. How sad is that?

Ok, vent over

mommy411 · June 2009

You know what it is...She is a jealous person! Thats what it is!

Sunndraggon · June 2009

pigtails1031:
You know what it is...She is a jealous person! Thats what it is!

Pretty much! She raised her boys on her own for the most part...and she hates that she had to give them up to other women. But she is too stupid to realize she needs to make nice with her sons wives.

LuLu38 · June 2009

Her behavior is pathetic. I live by this rule with my MIL: fear is a good thing. Keep her in her place. Don't kiss her ass (not that you would). Because, of course, you live with her son and gradchild and she effing better remember this, if she wants access. GL. Angry

EastCoastBride · June 2009

You know how she is. Stop expecting anything different from her and find acceptance in it and STOP letting it make you so angry. Take that power from her!

And personally, she ignores you? Then she actually doesn't get to see your DD and I think your DH should back you up on that. You're part of the reason she has a grandchild. You're a part of the package and this is one of those situations taht it ABSOLUTELY is a package deal in my book.

To let DH take DD is basically rewarding MIL for her behavior. She knows she can do WHATEVER she wants and in the end, she actually gets what SHE wants- DH and DD. Not you.

Why are you letting her win?

EastCoastBride · June 2009

Sunndraggon:
But she is too stupid to realize she needs to make nice with her sons wives.

This is exactly my point, though, if DH and DD go w/o you. She actually is learning she does NOT have to make nice and she still gets what she wants..... there are no consequences for her actions.

Sunndraggon · June 2009

EastCoastBride:
Sunndraggon:
But she is too stupid to realize she needs to make nice with her sons wives.
This is exactly my point, though, if DH and DD go w/o you. She actually is learning she does NOT have to make nice and she still gets what she wants..... there are no consequences for her actions.

DH and were talking about consequences today, and how she never gets them. But i am done being nice. I don't know that i would force the issue if he did want to take DD but it is looking like DH is leaning towards not seeing her too. I can be thankful at least that he see's her for who she is and he does not like it

EastCoastBride · June 2009

Sunndraggon:

I don't know that i would force the issue if he did want to take DD but it is looking like DH is leaning towards not seeing her too. I can be thankful at least that he see's her for who she is and he does not like it

I would push it though! I would ask him "why is it o.k. for her to see DD when she shuns me? This is what she wants- why are we giving in to it?"

It's great that he sees her for who she is, but he needs to start backing YOU up. His wife, the mother of his child.

yo.mama · June 2009

I love my grandmother, we have a very close relationship, but she treated my mother just how your MIL treats you. Seeing her son and granddaughter is a privilege and one she is not currently earning by being a *** to you. You need to nip this in the bud while your DD is too young to know what's going on. It's simple. All communication between you and your MIL needs to go between your DH. Your DH needs to make it clear to his mother that unless she is civil to everyone (he may need to explain what civil entails), she will not see any of you. Not going on this trip with your DH and DD is giving into your MIL. It's vital to be present for family events. Don't ever expect your MIL to like you or acknowledge anything good about you. Be content with civility.

Right now, your DD is the biggest peice of leverage you have and you need to use it. It's harder to do when she is 6 or 7 and doesn't understand why she can't go over to her grandma's house, and has to see a child therapist because she is so stressed out by the fighting going on between her parents and grandmother.

Sincerly Yours,

Dr. Yo.Mama

lata82 · June 2009

well my MIL gave my SIL(her daughter) a mothers day gift but not me, SIL doesn't even have kids she is TTC.

Sunndraggon · June 2009

yo.mama:
I love my grandmother, we have a very close relationship, but she treated my mother just how your MIL treats you. Seeing her son and granddaughter is a privilege and one she is not currently earning by being a *** to you. You need to nip this in the bud while your DD is too young to know what's going on. It's simple. All communication between you and your MIL needs to go between your DH. Your DH needs to make it clear to his mother that unless she is civil to everyone (he may need to explain what civil entails), she will not see any of you. Not going on this trip with your DH and DD is giving into your MIL. It's vital to be present for family events. Don't ever expect your MIL to like you or acknowledge anything good about you. Be content with civility.
Right now, your DD is the biggest peice of leverage you have and you need to use it. It's harder to do when she is 6 or 7 and doesn't understand why she can't go over to her grandma's house, and has to see a child therapist because she is so stressed out by the fighting going on between her parents and grandmother.
Sincerly Yours,
Dr. Yo.Mama

As much as I know you are 100% right, i hate the idea of using Carson as leverage. The only plus in all of this is that MIL lives 500 miles away and will never have free access to Carson. She stayed her for a week when Carson was 6 weeks old and I decided then that she will never be welcome to stay in our home again.

I will say that DH does see her for who she is, and he does back me up and when push comes to shove, he always sides with me. What he seems to have a hard time with is cutting her off completely, which is ultimately what needs to happen. I know I can push the issue, of him not taking Carson to see her and of us pushing her out of our lives. I know I could have my way on both points, but i worry at what expense to my husband and my marriage. At the very least, when he decides not to take carson there, and not to have her in our lives, I need him to think it was his own idea!

Sunndraggon · June 2009

lata82:
well my MIL gave my SIL(her daughter) a mothers day gift but not me, SIL doesn't even have kids she is TTC.

OMG are you kidding me? Is SIL her daughter, or also a DIL?? Not that either makes it better

ljlkm · June 2009

yo.mama:
Right now, your DD is the biggest peice of leverage you have and you need to use it.

I can't ever imagine using my child as leverage in any battle.

yo.mama · June 2009

ljlkm:
yo.mama:
Right now, your DD is the biggest peice of leverage you have and you need to use it.
I can't ever imagine using my child as leverage in any battle.

Then you obviously don't know anything about mean manipulative MILs.

ljlkm · June 2009

yo.mama:
ljlkm:
yo.mama:
Right now, your DD is the biggest peice of leverage you have and you need to use it.
I can't ever imagine using my child as leverage in any battle.
Then you obviously don't know anything about mean manipulative MILs.

Evidently not. And I hope I never know anyone who would lead me to behave that way.

Sunndraggon · June 2009

ljlkm:
yo.mama:
ljlkm:
yo.mama:
Right now, your DD is the biggest peice of leverage you have and you need to use it.
I can't ever imagine using my child as leverage in any battle.
Then you obviously don't know anything about mean manipulative MILs.
Evidently not. And I hope I never know anyone who would lead me to behave that way.

Consider yourself lucky to have a good MIL

. While it could be considered leverage on one hand, on the other hand it is called protecting your child. I do not want Carson to see how this woman behaves, to see her mother and father treated poorly, and to think that it is ok. I want her to treat people the right way and to know that she does not have to accept being treated poorly. I want to lead by example. If it comes down to telling MIL she needs to change, or she will not be a part of my child life, then so be it.

ljlkm · June 2009

Sunndraggon:
ljlkm:
yo.mama:
ljlkm:
yo.mama:
Right now, your DD is the biggest peice of leverage you have and you need to use it.
I can't ever imagine using my child as leverage in any battle.
Then you obviously don't know anything about mean manipulative MILs.
Evidently not. And I hope I never know anyone who would lead me to behave that way.
Consider yourself lucky to have a good MIL
. While it could be considered leverage on one hand, on the other hand it is called protecting your child. I do not want Carson to see how this woman behaves, to see her mother and father treated poorly, and to think that it is ok. I want her to treat people the right way and to know that she does not have to accept being treated poorly. I want to lead by example. If it comes down to telling MIL she needs to change, or she will not be a part of my child life, then so be it.

Good luck. I hope somehow your relationship with your MIL improves.

yo.mama · June 2009

Sunndraggon:
ljlkm:
yo.mama:
ljlkm:
yo.mama:
Right now, your DD is the biggest peice of leverage you have and you need to use it.
I can't ever imagine using my child as leverage in any battle.
Then you obviously don't know anything about mean manipulative MILs.
Evidently not. And I hope I never know anyone who would lead me to behave that way.
Consider yourself lucky to have a good MIL
. While it could be considered leverage on one hand, on the other hand it is called protecting your child. I do not want Carson to see how this woman behaves, to see her mother and father treated poorly, and to think that it is ok. I want her to treat people the right way and to know that she does not have to accept being treated poorly. I want to lead by example. If it comes down to telling MIL she needs to change, or she will not be a part of my child life, then so be it.

It's even more than your DD seeing a bad example. My grandmother, who never meant to harm me, would say bad things to me about my mom and call her names. It was super stressful to see two adults I loved be angry at each other. It was equivalent to being the only child in the middle of a nasty divorce, albeit only one side was being mean. I showed signs of unusual stress as early as age 4 and by the time I was 6 it was bad enough that my pediatrician referred my to a child psychologist. When my parents learned what my grandmother was saying they stopped letting me visit her. I loved my grandmother and would visit her every weekend and it killed me to not go over to her house.

My grandma learned how to be civil and to hold her tongue that year, but it was still a while before I got to go over and visit like I did before.

At 88, my grandmother seems to be having a relapse of MIL nastiness. My bachelor uncle has fallen in love, and my grandmother is on the ATTACK! It brings up old memories for my mom, who then talks about them with me, and my stomach starts knotting up like it did when I was little.

Sunndraggon · June 2009

yo.mama:
Sunndraggon:
ljlkm:
yo.mama:
ljlkm:
yo.mama:
Right now, your DD is the biggest peice of leverage you have and you need to use it.
I can't ever imagine using my child as leverage in any battle.
Then you obviously don't know anything about mean manipulative MILs.
Evidently not. And I hope I never know anyone who would lead me to behave that way.
Consider yourself lucky to have a good MIL
. While it could be considered leverage on one hand, on the other hand it is called protecting your child. I do not want Carson to see how this woman behaves, to see her mother and father treated poorly, and to think that it is ok. I want her to treat people the right way and to know that she does not have to accept being treated poorly. I want to lead by example. If it comes down to telling MIL she needs to change, or she will not be a part of my child life, then so be it.
It's even more than your DD seeing a bad example. My grandmother, who never meant to harm me, would say bad things to me about my mom and call her names. It was super stressful to see two adults I loved be angry at each other. It was equivalent to being the only child in the middle of a nasty divorce, albeit only one side was being mean. I showed signs of unusual stress as early as age 4 and by the time I was 6 it was bad enough that my pediatrician referred my to a child psychologist. When my parents learned what my grandmother was saying they stopped letting me visit her. I loved my grandmother and would visit her every weekend and it killed me to not go over to her house.
My grandma learned how to be civil and to hold her tongue that year, but it was still a while before I got to go over and visit like I did before.
At 88, my grandmother seems to be having a relapse of MIL nastiness. My bachelor uncle has fallen in love, and my grandmother is on the ATTACK! It brings up old memories for my mom, who then talks about them with me, and my stomach starts knotting up like it did when I was little.

I am really sorry you had to go through all of that. No child should be stuck in the middle, but at least you can be thankful that your parents did what was in your best interest. MIL and I have never really gotten along but i walked a fine line of telling her off when needed, and letting it go other times. But those days are long gone. My only focus right now is protecting Carson and not letting her end up in the same type of situation you did as a child. I really feel that means cutting MIL out. She is just a nasty toxic person and i doubt she will ever really change. As you show with your grandmother, old habits die hard and true colors prevail in the end. Even if MIL was civil to DH and I, I'm not sure it is enough since I could never truly feel that it was honest or legit.

Thanks for letting me vent and for giving me a child's first hand perspective on it.

KangarooMom · August 2009

Totally agree- I have similar scenarios/problems with my MIL and I'm considering the same.

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Maybe I should not be bothered....but (long MIL vent)

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