Moms thinking about having a 3rd (or 4th, or more) child

am073104 · June 2009

A lot of thinks get asked (and re-asked) on this board over time, but I just wanted to ask you this question: If you stop at two kids, do you feel like their lives would be more enriched than if you have 3 or more kids? I mean, depending on your monetary situation, do you think that taking kids on more vacations, doing more activities outside the home, going out for dinner more easily with 2, etc., is better or do you think that having another sibling, or two or three, is more enriching?

I grew up with less of the "stuff/fluff" than most of the kids I went to school with, I have one sibling eight years younger than me, and I always told myself I wanted to have a big family. (Big, to me, is three or four kids, not just two, and especially not two that are eight years apart.) I didn't know what I wanted to do for a career (and still don't), but I have always known that I wanted to be a mother and, hopefully, and mother to at least three kids.

It is difficult to convince my DH that our children's lives will be more enriched, or at least enriched the same, by having another sibling or two, than going on vacations and doing "stuff" and having "stuff". His family didn't travel at all, and his siblings are 5 years older and 5 years younger than him. So, he has middle child syndrome and wants our kids to experience more things.

What are your thoughts on the "typical family" with two parents, two kids, and a pet or two AND/OR why do you like (or want) to have a big family in this day-in-age when it seems like the big family is not the norm?

elm1032004 · June 2009

Personally, even with 2 kids I don't plan on getting them a ton of stuff, I don't think things enrich their lives at all, it's nice to be able to go away on a vacation or be able to provide swim lessons, camp, and other things like that w/o having to think about it, but plenty of kids grow up and lead full, happy lives without that stuff as well. It sounds like your DH missed that stuff growing up and therefore wants his kids to experience it. For me I am happy with 2 kids, I don't want another one (neither does my DH).

monchichi · June 2009

I also grew up without a lot of "things," but there were 4 kids in my family. ?I usually didn't have the newest clothes, big birthday parties, and we ate lots of hamburger helper. ?BUT, I never lacked for playmates or the creativity required to entertain ourselves without newer toys. ?We didn't need super nice vacations because we didn't need to "get away" to have fun--we were always busy!

I'm not saying that it's not great to be able to provide these things for your kids. ?I'm just saying that it isn't necessary, IMO, to stop at two because of the things that concern your DH.

Alibabs · June 2009

2 is too small for me. I would go for 4 or 5 even - if the pregnancies weren't so AWFUL!! I definitely want another after this one but not for a few years to give my body (and everyone in the house!) a break.

I have 2 sisters and two brothers. The family is quite spread out. My sister is 4.5 years older than me, a brother who is exactly a year younger than me, another B who is 10 years younger and a S who is 15 years younger.

My brother and I were in a world of our own and we had a great time growing up.

Our family didn't have much money and we only went abroad (to Florida) as a family once. (before last sister was born. But we always holiday'd in Ireland be it camping, mobile hiome, rent a house and it was great!

Thats how I see my family. Lots of holidays in Ireland with maybe a big trip to Disney in 5 or 6 years after some saving.

I'm fine with that. I'm excited to have a gaggle of kids! Smile you can save for the big treats like dinners out etc. I'd prefer they were rare-ish so as not taken for granted. McDonalds was a huge and rare treat for us growing up and just made it more pleasurable.

I don't care what the norm is Smile

Oh and I don't ever want pets!! Smile

mamarazzi · June 2009

We have two (as you know) and plan to have at least one more. We aren't sure yet if we will have a biological child or if we will pursue foster parenting/adoption.

I grew up with two sisters and loved being a family of five. I connect differently with each of them and don't feel we would have been a "complete" family without both of them. We've each been close with each other at different points in our lives on different levels.

I look at my family of four and see where it would be "easy" to stop with the two kids we have. We're evenly matched -- H can take one child and I can take the other. There's no middle child (both my dad and my sister are big time "middle child syndrome" sufferers). They're close in age and being done with the baby/toddler stages isn't too far in the future. We could go to Disney World and no one would have to ride alone (which is an argument my friends with two use and I don't get -- how often does that really come up, anyway? I mean, unless you had season passes to an amusement park and were roller coaster fanatics, would that really be a good reason to not have another child??)

I always wanted a house full of kids. Vacations and "stuff" aren't that important to me and I think they can't be done even with a third (or fourth) child. Maybe not to the same extent, but they're possible. Maybe we don't go to an all-inclusive beach resort and we drive to the Grand Canyon instead. Maybe their PowerWheels comes from Craigslist instead of TRU. Whatever.

I see the way my sisters and I relate to each other and can't wait to see how a third child fits into our family. Will he be more like Lawrence or Andersen? Will Law be the protective big brother or a bully? Will Andersen be closer to Lawrence or #3? And I think of them as adults -- after we're gone -- and that they'll all have each other and their kids will be cousins and close like I am with my cousins.

To me, "stuff" and another kid don't have to be mutually exclusive. Vacations and things are fleeting and a child is a member of the family forever. The memories made with another baby would be so much more "enriching" to my family than any vacation. My favorite memories in my family are of my baby sister being a total clown and helping take care of her. We went on several vacations and had decent "stuff," but the most vivid memories I have are of us being at home or at my grandparents' doing regular old family stuff.

I think people know when their families are complete. I don't feel like mine is. I do worry about the logistics -- getting a new car, sleeping arrangements, etc. -- but we're certainly open to having at least one more child and going from there.

soxfan · June 2009

Interesting post.

My DH did not want more than two because he wanted to make sure he could provide for them while also being able to enjoy life -- which to him meant travel, nice home , some money towards college if possible and stuff. He grew up as 1 of 5 kids and feels like he didn't get anything which I know isn't the case -- but it's his perception and perception is reallity to him.

I too feel I do a good job managing the two. I have enough patience to not lose it too often, I can hold both and show a lot of attention to both. With three I just feel I wouldn't be able to give enough -- can't even imagine a 4th. 25 % of me to each just wouldn't be a lot. I want to really focus on school work when they are older -- and just don't think I could being split so much more.

My friends have more than two -- and I give them all the credit -- it just wasn't for me.

BEST of LUCK in your decision!

DandelionMom · June 2009

We definitely do less because we have 3 rather than 2. It is harder and more expensive to travel and to find things all 3 will enjoy and even just to figure out the logistics of arranging activities. I do my best but I simply can't do as much as I'd like to.

gracendantho26 · June 2009

I am not sure I really understand what you mean. I come from a family with 3 kids and I don't necessarily feel like because there were more than 2 of us kids our lives were more enriched than a family that had 2 children.

I am good with two kids so this is not an issue for our family but I will say that I don't think it's wise to pressure spouses into 3,4,5 etc. children.

suzymarie · June 2009

I think it depends on exactly how tight it would be with 3+.

I grewup with 3 kids all close in age. We didn't go on fancy vacations or expensive sleepaway camps, but we did go on a family camping vacation every year to national parks out west, and we did inexpensive day camps and scout camps, and my mom took us to tons of enriching free activities like the library summer program. I would rather have that then an expensive vacation to Disney.

Our decision to have 2 vs. 3 will be based on my sanity. The money thing is a factor, but to me it is not a big deal to do without that stuff.

LizLovesJason · June 2009

I'm expecting #3 in November. I always thought I would have 2-3 kids--3 doesn't seem that much to me because I come from a family of 3 kids. But after I had DD, I was overwhelmed by how much I enjoyed being a mother, how much she enriched my life, and I found myself wanting a bigger family. Right now I think I'd like 4 kids, but we'll see how #3 goes!

We're not rich by any means. When I quit working to become a SAHM, we had to cut back drastically on our expenses. We live much more simply now than I ever have. Yet I've come to realize how little "things" really matter to me. People are so much more important than things. I just want my kids to have a happy childhood, and I think that comes from having a loving family, not the latest toys, gizmos and gadgets. I want our lives to be simple and slow-paced, with plenty of time for them to dream and explore things on their own terms.

I think having another sibling will be good for them. I feel like the more kids there are, the more chance that each of them will find someone to particularly bond with, and will stay friends as they get older. And I think they'll have more fun growing up.

When I was growing up, we went on some nice vacations to far-away places. However, my favorite vacations of all time where when we would rent a little cabin in a state park in West Virginia, just a few hours away from where we lived. We would stay there for a week and just have fun hiking, fishing, swimming, playing games, telling stories, etc. That's the kind of vacation I want our kids to have.

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