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got into a knock-down fight with DH last night.

Mrs.BoolieMrs.Boolie
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
I ws very sad last night pretty much from finding out the testing results that we had a perfectly healthy baby.  My "what went wrong" is killing me and DH told me sternly "We are never going to know!"  right, I heard the Dr. say that too but that just isn't good enough for me.   It will eat at me forever, especially since the Dr. who did my D&E and my RE said that is is most likely chromosomal.   There is no closure for me and I can't help but think it was something with me.  He got even more frustrated and screamed at me.  "You didn't do anything and you will never know what happened.  you aren't making this easy on me either"  Needless to say I sobbed myself to sleep and he slept in the other bedroom.  I try to tell him I am trying to make him understand how I feel, but he just doesn't get it.  I can't talk to anyone about this b/c they don't understand and knowing we had a healthy baby is just salt on the wound. 
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Re: got into a knock-down fight with DH last night.

  • KateAndMarkKateAndMark
    I'm sorry hun! Big Hug!
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  • someflower6someflower6 member

    i'm so sorry for your rough night. it sounds like he's trying that whole "pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on" mentality, and unfortunately you're just not there yet. and i don't think there's anything wrong with that... this is still new, it's still fresh, it's still happening to you.

    i know that hearing "miscarriages are common" doesn't help you feel any better about the situation, but in many of those situations, there's no known reason. there wasn't when my mom m/c'ed, and there wasn't when i did. but she also went on to have 3 kids, and i hope to be as lucky! your husband blowing and getting frustrated with you is not going to help you or get you to accept things any more quickly. however, the unfortunate truth is that you really may never know why your baby went to heaven. and although i understand your fear, you have to try to remain optimistic that you can go on to have a perfectly healthy pregnancy-- perhaps many.

    i hope you have a better night tonight!

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  • priya&peterpriya&peter member
    (hugs) I'm so sorry.  The news you got is obviously difficult to handle because it leaves you without closure.  There is never a good time to get into a huge fight with your husband, but especially now it can feel very isolating.  I didn't get chromosome testing done but I have your worry (maybe my body screwed up) and on the other hand, if it was chromosomal, what if all of my eggs are defective?  I guess when you are dealing with a loss you can't help but wonder if somehow your body is to blame and it will happen again.  I'm not sure what to say to make you feel better, but maybe try visiting the SAL board.  It may help if you hear some of the stories about others in your situation who went on to have healthy pregnancies.  Best of luck to both you and your DH. 
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  • gypsywitchgypsywitch
    My husband and I have been through 3 M/C's , and this has happened after every one of them. Men grieve differently than women. And its hard for them to fully understand our grief as mothers. After all, that baby LIVED inside of us. I know it probably doens't help to know this, but M/C is extrememly common. Its estimated that 50% of undiagnosed pregnnacies ends in early M/C w/o the mother even knwoing she was pregnant, and 25% of all diagnosed pregnancies end in M/C, most of the time without a known cause. Its just nature taking its course. You will always grieve your baby lost, but i PROMISE in time, the hurt will fade, and that feeling of being eaten up by" not knowing what happened" will too. You will eventually come to peace with it. Unfortunately its a long hard road. My last M/C was in late dec 08 ( new years eve 09)...and  only in the last 8wks have I come to peace with it. I wish you luck on your journey, and know that any and all feelings you may have are completely normal. You're not crazy, or wrong for feeling the way you do. Take care...
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  • sinisterkat01sinisterkat01

    I am so sorry - if anyone understands knock-out drag-down fights with DH, it's me.  They had stopped for a while before we were pg, and now after the m/c, they have come back every once in a while.  It's a terrible experience and I am sorry that you are going through it.  DH feels in a similar way to yours, and I agree, it is just not helpful.  I don't know if they can ever truly understand how we feel.  I was angry at DH for a while because it seemed like he got over the sadness as soon as we left the hospital, and I was stuck to bear it alone.  I think that things will get better soon, and hopefully, he can learn to listen to your feelings without imposing his own, and then that you can accept his.  I am still working on this, myself.

    Take care of yourself tonight.  GL to you reconciling with DH.  (((hugs)))

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  • mam885mam885 member
    I know this doesn't help you, but it makes me feel so much better that someone else has had these fights. ?We had bad fights maybe twice in the 4+ years we'd been married. ?Since the miscarriage, they seem to be at least monthly. ?And my husband is fantastic (I'm sure yours is as well) but it's so hard to remember how fantastic they are when they're acting like that. ?
    At least yours sleeps in the other room! ?I was the one who slept somewhere else during our bad ones!
    I really hope it gets better for you, and we know it will. ?But holy crap, speed up time already so it's to "better!"?
    Missed Miscarriage 9 weeks/Missed Miscarriage 12 weeks/Natural Miscarriage 5.5 weeks
    BFP 11/6/09. Rory Anne Born 6/28/10!


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