DH/SO being friends with ex/ex-hookups

Nicole Williams · June 2009

I'm curious to know everyone's opinion on this. A friend of mine and I were discussing this topic today. How do you feel about your DH/SO being friends with a person they use to date or hook up with?

renebean319 · June 2009

i trust dh completely.

if they want to be friends, then they can be friends.

nothing more.

browneyes_24b · June 2009

It seems like a can of worms .....too many variables to determine a general "it's okay" or "it's not okay".

thatgirlang · June 2009

I hate it.

But, I'm a hypocrite because I've been friends with many exes over the years. In many cases, I felt like we were friends longer/more than we actually dated.

But with DH, with a girl I don't know, I always assume the worst- that she still wants him! LOL

Either way, I trust these "friendships" more when we can ALL be friends and hang out together, preferably with the ex's spouse!

duckee88 · June 2009

it doesn't bother me for the most part. But his ex doesn't talk to him anymore because of me. Although I have never said anything to him or her about talking. They were good friends and I had no problem. I guess she felt differently about it. Oh well doesn't hurt my feelings.

ljlkm · June 2009

Doesn't bother me at all. He's married and committed to me and nothing any ex could say or do would change that.

janice74 · June 2009

what kind of friend? ?A FB friend, or a hanging out friend? ?I am friends with a few ex's on FB, but it isn't like I am texting or calling them.

I would trust DH if he was friend's with an ex, but I think hanging out one on one would be weird and I wouldn't like that. ?He has several friends who are female and he sometimes has lunch with them. ?I have no problem with that.?

jamiejefferis · June 2009

Depends on the person (SO/DH and the ex). ?As far as other women goes I completely trust SO and don't have a problem with this. ?With past relationships I had issues with this but there was not much trust which is why I guess they never worked out. ?I am friends with some ex's. ?I think as long as there is openness and honesty it is ok. ?

peppermintgirl · June 2009

I don't mind it. Granted, the only ex of DH's I've ever met is his last one, and she's batsh!t crazy, so he has no interest in remaining friends with her. DH knows I still talk to my last ex and doesn't care.

lsvilpa · June 2009

Depends on what exactly you mean by friends. If it is just occasional talk I would be ok with it. But friends as in seeing each other every week, I guess I am too jealous for that.

ShanLeAnn · June 2009

NO!

haha. Although, I wouldn't tell DH what to do. But he feels the same way about not wanting me to be friends with my Ex's so it works well.

Personally I think it's a very rare occurrence that people who used to date/hook up can actually be just friends...

Vixey529 · June 2009

I am NOT a fan of this.

I don't care if he is friendly with my SD's mother, but there is NO reason to stay in touch with the others. Luckily there is only one he actually communicates with on myspace or whatever, and the others have all fallen by the wayside.

Heather577 · June 2009

It doesn't fly with me.

irys09 · June 2009

DH is friends with a few of his ex's. One he was pretty serious with but they were too young. He has told me he probably would have married her had they been older when they dated. She's married now, has 1 or 2 kids. She thankfully lives on the other side of the country.

They still talk occasionally and to be honest, it does make me twitch a little bit. But I know he loves me and is committed, so I try to move past it. It's more my issue than his. I know he won't do anything.

mburkhe · June 2009

Depends on the girl. We are friends with one of his ex's, she was invited to the baby shower last weekend. There is another one that I cant stand and made that perfectly clear when we first started dating. I didnt trust her at all.

jensahokie · June 2009

Luckily for me, DH doesn't keep in touch with his exes. His dating life was a little different before he met me - he practiced a pretty conservative religion (and that's coming from a catholic girl) and he has been uncomfortable telling some of his pre-me friends that he left their religion. Honestly, my DH is just not the kind of person who would ever, ever cheat, so I guess if he did keep in touch with them, it wouldn't bother me. But that's easy to say since I don't have to deal with it.

thatgirlang · June 2009

ShanLeAnn:

Personally I think it's a very rare occurrence that people who used to date/hook up can actually be just friends...

I often think this, too. I feel like the chances of at least one person thinking/wanting... even just remembering (LOL) the WRONG thing are good. DH used to tell me this and in retrospect I can't say for sure that all of my friendships with ex boyfriends were totally "safe." Most were cut off before we got married.

Nicole Williams · June 2009

thatgirlang:
ShanLeAnn:

Personally I think it's a very rare occurrence that people who used to date/hook up can actually be just friends...

I often think this, too. I feel like the chances of at least one person thinking/wanting... even just remembering (LOL) the WRONG thing are good. DH used to tell me this and in retrospect I can't say for sure that all of my friendships with ex boyfriends were totally "safe." Most were cut off before we got married.

I totally agree with this.

ShanLeAnn · June 2009

thatgirlang:
ShanLeAnn:

Personally I think it's a very rare occurrence that people who used to date/hook up can actually be just friends...
I often think this, too. I feel like the chances of at least one person thinking/wanting... even just remembering (LOL) the WRONG thing are good. DH used to tell me this and in retrospect I can't say for sure that all of my friendships with ex boyfriends were totally "safe." Most were cut off before we got married.

Luckily, I tried being friends with an ex before meeting DH and knew well ahead of time that it just doesn't work out well.

Neither of us dated that many people before we got together, so that helps too. I totally trust DH and myself, it's the ex's I'd be worried about and why stir up jealousy if you don't need to?

I don't think jealousy and trust necessarily go hand in hand. I totally trust DH, but could see myself getting jealous of what they had before me if we were ever faced with an encounter.

surprisebaby4us2009 · June 2009

neither of us has any desire to be friends with exes so????? Idk... i would have to say i wouldnt be a huge fan of it... but idk

lovesazzie · June 2009

It really annoys me. Granted, DH never initiates contact with her and hasn't seen her in over a year, but when we were dating and engaged, we got together with her a few times and she was a biitch to me. She is also facebook friends with ILs and they post on her wall and it comes up on my news feed. I don't understand why they still talk to her. She hasn't dated anyone since him, although she has now slept with all his friends. She just seems awful to me and I don't want her in our life! I think for me, the parts I hate are 1) she's a biitch to me, 2) she slept with him. I wish I didn't care, but I do!

jetgrrrl · June 2009

I dated and hooked up with more people than DH did - he's not really in touch with any of them. He has one friend from high school who he used to be madly in love with who I was friendly with, didn't bother me. I'm still friendly with a couple of my exes and he could care less. There was one guy I hooked up with and then became completely platonic friends with (before DH and I were involved) - both of us hung out with him a lot before he got married and moved away. I mean, if there's no emotional/sexual "charge" to the friendship there really shouldn't be a problem.

ShanLeAnn · June 2009

sazzie:
She is also facebook friends with ILs and they post on her wall and it comes up on my news feed. I don't understand why they still talk to her.

My IL's had photos of his ex on their bulletin board for a long time and would ask DH about her. He didn't talk to her and kept trying to tell them that.

My BIL and SIL are friends with his ex's on FB too! My SIL found out that DH's ex is pg and decided it was necessary to text him...he was so irritated.

amber_tynan · June 2009

Wouldn't be ok with either of us. I do have to say that we've been together for 9 1/2 years, so most of our friends are ones we've made together and neither of us are close to people we knew almost 10 years ago.

AlwysAwsm · June 2009

Not cool at all. The other day I looked at DHs facebook page and there was a post from his ex offering us one of her son's band t-shirts for our LO.

I know there wasn't anything hidden behind the message and I know he hasn't been talking to her... but it still got deep under my skin.

Russo32104 · June 2009

I understand if my DH would talk to the person through Myspace or something and it was occasional but "friends" as in they hang out, I don't think so. I trust my DH completely and I know he would never cheat on me. But we both have talked about this and have agreed that friends of the opposite sex aren't a good idea. Acquaintances are fine and couples too. Human nature is a strong thing and if you are having a few problems in your relationship...well let's just say I have seen it happen to a few friends.

BuddhaKitty · June 2009

Probably not. I don't trust women.

SummerAshley · June 2009

My DH's ex is actually one of my favorite people! She totally rocks! Plus, I have a few friends that I dated in the past, and my DH gets along super well with them too. One was actually one of our groomsmen in our wedding! It was something we were both very honest about from the get go. I wouldn't have married him if I ever thought there would be an issue and visa versa.

wendylea73 · June 2009

I am NOT ok with my SO being "friends" with his ex...and it has become a real issue for us lately. She still texts him alot and he rarely tells me what it's about. Of course I start to think the worst then just try and remind myself that he loves me and said he would never do anything to hurt me...but I just want her to GO AWAY!

NKufferman · June 2009

We're both friends with people we used to date. We're even at the point where we are each friends with the others ex's.

JCsMomma · June 2009

It used to bother me, but that was due to my own insecurities. DH is not the type of person to ever cheat, so I don't worry about that. He and I both are friends on FB with an ex of his who he dated on and off at the end of highschool and the first few years of college. We have mutual IRL friends, and I'm sure if she lived in town we would see her on occasion. I can understand being a little jealous of a past relationship, but with her it helps that my in-laws all hate her to this day LOL! Also, DH and I have talked about it in the past and they would never have ended up together whether I was in the picture or not. She was not the type of person that he wanted to marry, they are just very different when it comes to family values etc.

MarineWifey1106 · June 2009

My dad always told me "Never put yourself in a position to be tempted, because there are no such things as "mistakes" or "accidents" when it comes to cheating" And so thats been what I have always followed.

I dont think SO being friends with past relationships is a good idea. Just like I dont think have one on one time with friends of the opposite sex is a good idea. If you dont put yourself in an environment where things could "just happen" then you dont have to worry about it at all.

Hubby agrees.

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