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3rd Trimester
I am just so livid and hurt!!
Check out this e-mail conversation on Facebook between MIL and I.
I am baffled.
Me to her:
Hi Amma, this is something I've been meaning to ask for a while. (DH) has a "best friend" who he met and worked with in Illinois. She is my age and flying out here to see Layla when she's born. I've already met her, and although I don't know her *that* well, he insists that she stays at our place for a week. I think that is a bit... strange... for many reasons... but mainly because at that time I will be expecting a baby at any moment, or would have just given birth, and will also have to take care of a "guest" for a week. I kind of brought this to his attention a month ago and he got very defensive over her and still insists that she stays with us. I'm a little annoyed that he doesn't realize this... although sometimes he misses "the big picture" until its actually here and then he freaks out. What's your opinion? Do you think it's fair for this "best friend" to stay with us for a week?
Her to me:
First i need you to relax. I know a lot of things he says or does bothers you , especially during your pregnancy. He has told me about this friend and remember you will not be alone at home with her as i will be there with you.
He has told me about her and that she is 'just' a great friend and you should understand friends are friends and nothing more!!!
So please stop freaking out and stop driving him away from you with your insecure thoughts!
Yes about staying with you all would be a wee bit cramped but if she were to stay somewhere else then he would spend time commuting back and forth getting her to come over to see you and the baby! Do understand what i am saying? Relax and if I sense anything,I will be the first one to say so .
Enjoy your pregnancy and take care of your husband ,not drive him away!
He has told me about her and that she is 'just' a great friend and you should understand friends are friends and nothing more!!!
So please stop freaking out and stop driving him away from you with your insecure thoughts!
Yes about staying with you all would be a wee bit cramped but if she were to stay somewhere else then he would spend time commuting back and forth getting her to come over to see you and the baby! Do understand what i am saying? Relax and if I sense anything,I will be the first one to say so .
Enjoy your pregnancy and take care of your husband ,not drive him away!
Me to her:
First off, I'm just asking for an opinion in a very rationally written e-mail message so if I came across like I was "freaking out" then it was done so unintentionally. Second, I know that she is a friend, I have met her and believe it or not she's the only one of his handful of female friends that I do actually trust.
I was a bit shocked at your response because I think I'm being a little more tolerant and understanding than a lot of other pregnant women out there who constantly flip out into yelling and screaming fits over *every little thing*. I'm not one of those (although I am guilty of it ONCE).
I know he's your son and of course you will defend him, I completely understand that, but I don't quite understand how I'm "driving him away" when I hardly even see him to begin with and have kept the complaining to a bare minimum!! That was just hurtful. I come to you for opinions and advice for that very reason - opinions and advice - and by God if I am driving him away by the very few times I dare make a PEEP about anything then I really don't know what to tell you anymore.
And I AM taking care of my husband to the best of my ability - PREGNANT and all. Whether he is taking care of me or not well that's just another story... and quite apparently it DOESN'T matter.
Thanks,
Me
I was a bit shocked at your response because I think I'm being a little more tolerant and understanding than a lot of other pregnant women out there who constantly flip out into yelling and screaming fits over *every little thing*. I'm not one of those (although I am guilty of it ONCE).
I know he's your son and of course you will defend him, I completely understand that, but I don't quite understand how I'm "driving him away" when I hardly even see him to begin with and have kept the complaining to a bare minimum!! That was just hurtful. I come to you for opinions and advice for that very reason - opinions and advice - and by God if I am driving him away by the very few times I dare make a PEEP about anything then I really don't know what to tell you anymore.
And I AM taking care of my husband to the best of my ability - PREGNANT and all. Whether he is taking care of me or not well that's just another story... and quite apparently it DOESN'T matter.
Thanks,
Me
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I am just so livid and hurt!!
Hmmm, sounds like a conversation that should have happened over the phone or in person.
FWIW, I would NOT be cool with a friend staying with me for a week right around my due date. Then again, we're not even letting family stay with us after the baby is born, so maybe i'm just an evil wench.
I would be livid and hurt as well, but I would have stopped the emails after her response and called her.
I'm in total agreement with you, FWIW. I would NOT have a houseguest, whom I don't knwo very well, so close to my due date.
Wow!!!! There is no way I would want a house guest who I barely know at my house a week before my EDD. Your Dh and MIL are totally missing the point.
I hope it all works out.
A) I'm not sure I would have ever brought MIL into the issue
C) He is defending this "friend" of his over his own wife. This makes him a douchebag.
D) Not trying to instill insecurity, but seriously??? With his behavior, I'd question if this chick was really just a "friend"
Ditto this, exactly. DH is acting like an a-hole.
First of all....HELL to the NO about friend staying over. That is just plain weird. No way.
2nd, I don't know how your relationship with MIL is, but I would honestly never go to my MIL with anything like this. We have a good relationship and I think it stays that way by not dragging her into any of our life messes. By bringing her in, you're kind of asking for her to give you and opinion that you will most likely not like...sorry, not trying to flame, but it's kind of the way things like that work
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all of these!
i would never ask for MIL's opinion on something DH was doing because no matter what it is she is going to side with him. he is her son, shes going to defend whatever he is doing
and also no one has brought this up..but what chick decides to stay with a couple (one of which she barely knows) while they are about to be having a baby? So if you go into labor while she's staying there is she supposed to come to the hospital too b/c you guys have to entertain her? And is DH gonna stay at the hospital with you or be expected to stay home cause you cant leave the guest alone? If I was this friend I would feel so out of place and would never in a million years accept DH's invitation.
What?!?!? What is your DH smoking?? This would be our one and only child if DH decided to invite a friend to stay with us right before my due date (male or female). He would end up missing an important part to baby making. I could understand her coming in and staying at a hotel or something but pregnant or not, it's weird for your DH to be so adamant about his female friend staying with y'all.
I probably wouldn't have gone to my MIL but I still think you have every right to be livid and hurt. I would be too. I think you need to have a sit down conversation with your hubby and just say, "Look, I am about to go through one of the most difficult and exciting things in life. I would really like for you and I to be able to enjoy it as a family without having to worry about having "guests" or extended family members to entertain." I always have better luck when I use "I" statements.
Good luck!!
This is also a really good point! It makes me question her motive as well.
This times 100. This should not have been brought up to MIL.
And I'm sorry...a female friend that I hardly know is NOT acceptable in my house when I give birth. YOU are his wife...you are the priority. I don't understand why he would get mad at you over this. How would he feel if you had a male friend that he hardly knew come traipsing into his home?
1. NEVER ask MIL for advice about HER son
2. You have every right to be hurt
3. Don't allow this female "friend" in your home around your newborn
Your DH should take your feelings into consideration. This "friend" has no right to be around you at that time.
Put your foot down!
Honestly, from some of what she said, it sounds like your husband has been complaining to her about you being jealous (not saying it's remotely true) and she's trying to tell you to stop before he actually does cheat on you with this old friend. I'm not sure why else she would tell you to stop driving him away, and to take care of him, when nowhere in your original email did you say anything about being concerned about him cheating. Being hyper-defensive and putting the blame on you just sends up big red flags in my opinion.?
I personally think having this person stay with you is ridiculous. I also find the idea stupid that her staying at a hotel would be inconvenient because he'd have to shuttle her around. Why the hell would he be putting her before his wife and new baby anyway? Rental cars are awesome for avoiding hosts playing chauffeur.?
If my husband got that defensive about a female friend staying with us, so much that his mother was also on the defensive, I would worry. Maybe that makes me crazy or untrusting, but I don't think there's any reason a grown man needs to have an old female friend stay with him and his wife instead of at a hotel - especially if the wife has a valid reason (space) for wanting her to stay elsewhere. Hell, I'd worry if he was that insistent on a male friend staying with us, but that's not quite the same.?
Mes Petit Choux
I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then. ~ Alice
Agreed. MIL will always defend her son, no matter how wrong he may be. Never forget that no matter how close you are. She raised him.
My money is on no.
Whew, all of these responses but in the heat of the moment of my post I failed to mention that the reason I went to MIL for her "opinion" (as weak as it was) is because DH always, ALWAYS complains about me going to my mom and my friends for advice because whenever I want to talk to him directly about anything going on between us, he closes up and gets defensive. Its like trying to get a brick wall to understand my point. So, I gave up.
I did this to prove a point and I am about to paste and send him these e-mails for him to see that I went to HIS mom for advice and THIS is the response I got from her and why I DO NOT go to her for advice!!!!
This would not have been a conversation I'd have with MIL in the first place, let alone via email.
But I do agree with you that's it's weird that your H is so adamant that this friend comes to stay with you around your due date. I hate the thought of having family stay with us around my due date!
Ditto Bearkat here. I hate to say it but I don't trust other women, especially not around DH. The fact that he stood up for his friend over you seems a bit fishy to me also.
THIS!! I know you're hurt so I don't mean to add insult to injury...but what were you hoping to gain by involving your MIL?
If you needed to involve another party I would call his friend. tell her you like her but aren't comfortable with company at this time. Best to consult DH first so he can talk to "his" friend. But if he wouldn't, I'd go straight to the source.
Why did you go to your mother-in-law for advice? I wouldn't have gone there in the first place. Mothers will always take their son's side. She shouldn't have reacted that way, it was totally uncalled for but maybe next time you should ask someone else their opinion.
Hope it works out for you!So I'm guessing once he sees these emails he is going to be P!SSED that you went to his mom for advice. Not really sure what to say...this whole situation is pretty weird. GL sorting it all out.
My earlier response about going to MIL for "advice", some of you might have skipped past it:
Whew, all of these responses but in the heat of the moment of my post I failed to mention that the reason I went to MIL for her "opinion" (as weak as it was) is because DH always, ALWAYS complains about me going to my mom and my friends for advice because whenever I want to talk to him directly about anything going on between us, he closes up and gets defensive. Its like trying to get a brick wall to understand my point. So, I gave up.
I did this to prove a point and I am about to paste and send him these e-mails for him to see that I went to HIS mom for advice and THIS is the response I got from her and why I DO NOT go to her for advice!!!!
Nope, he has no place to be pissed about seeing these e-mails because - get this - he was the one who would always SUGGEST going to HIS mom for advice.
He can read it and weep for all I care.
why is your husband putting his friend before you and his unborn child? wouldn't he want to spend the last part of your pregnancy with just you? and why would your mother-in-law immediately think you're worried about an affair between your husband and this woman? do you think there might be something more to this story that your husband isn't telling you?
all i know is that this behavior would definitely be uncharacteristic of my husband so i'd be bit worried. and if he ever put another woman's feelings over me i would be having serious reservations.
I wouldn't care if I knew the girl well or not...she wouldn't be staying in my house especially so close to d day.
And I personally would never consult my MIL in anything. Just me though.
Part of her email bothers me, if his "friend" stayed somewhere else and you have just or about to have a baby why would he be commuting back and forth. First he needs to be taking care of u and the baby no one else and she cant get rent a car if it so important to come see u. I would say no to having a friend stay during this time. He and his mother should respect your wishes during this time and his friend should understand this or she is not a friend at all.
it's never ever a good idea to go outside of your relationship to talk about issues between you and your husband (unless you're in an emotionally and/or physically abusive situation). secondly, it seems you and your husband have major communication issues that have yet to be resolved (which is a definite issue considering you've decided to bring a child into the world). this whole situation is insane. if you have to talk to your MIL to prove to your husband that you won't talk to anyone else about your issues then i have to say you guys might need counseling...
All of this.