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Blended Families
BM has a stalker
Hey, I've posted here a few times before, but I usually just lurk. I have another question for you all.
DH called exMIL a few days ago to talk about some drama that is irrelevant to all this, while they were talking tho, she asked if he knew the number to the police dept because she got a voicemail the night before from a guy that said he was going to kill her daughter, which would be BM. The next day, BM emailed DH and told him that she missed her phone call with SS the night before because some guy was stalking her and he broke her phone.
DH and BM were planning on adding a stipulation about visitaion to their CO. Now, we're really worried about her taking SS next month because of this stalker/killer guy that she has. So, we don't really want to add the stipulation anymore because we don't think SS should be at her house at all, but especailly not overnight. DH is planning on emailing her(since she doesn't have a phone) and explaining his concern about SS's safety to her. We're worried that she'll just get defensive and upset with DH.
So, my question is, what would you do in this situation if she doesn't want to agree to not keep him overnight and maybe not even take him to her place. Should we suggest something they could do together instead of her place or just say that we're worried and see what she says??
I would really appreciate any suggestions and advice. Thanks!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: BM has a stalker
are these people drama queens?
now, there is obviously a problem if someone vandalizes someone elses property-ie the phone. however, could there be more to this story? Like could man have called mom and said i am going to kill your daughter if she does not get a job/get her *** together/go to the doctor? or was it for certain i am going to hunt your daughter down and kill her? has bm taken any sort of protection order against him, filed any charges? why is he stalking her/who is he to her?
i have known lots of drama filled people who would make mountains out of mole hills, for what reason, i don't know.
DHs exMIL just said she got a voicemail that said he was going to kill her. I'm not sure if there was more to it. I don't know if she called the police or not. We haven't followed up with her.
BM said in her email that she just broke up with her bf and was having problems with him and that now some other guy is stalking her. I don't know if it's an ex or a stranger. And I don't know if she's filed a police report either. I would hope that she's already done that. So, should we ask her if she did contact the police or ask her mom if she ever did?? She also said that there is so much drama and it's more than he could even imagine.
And yes, BM is a drama queen!!! Her story always changes and she has new drama almost every time we here from her. But, because she told DH, I think we have to take it seriously. If it is true, SS could be in danger while he's with her. If it's not true, too bad because she made it sound like it was a big deal. So, that's how we're going to treat it. It's about his safety now.
I just don't know how exactly to say this to her.
If so, I would contact your lawyer and ask legally what you can do in this situation. I also think it warrants a phone call to exMIL and a conversation with BM. And, if you really feel there is a danger to the child, then come right out and ask the important questions. Who is the stalker? Why are they stalking you? Have there been any police reports? What is the current status of investigation? What are the latest happens with this stalker? Where will you be staying with SS? What exactly has this stalker done?
This is not really a time to be worried about stepping on toes, or mincing words. This is potentially going to keep a mother from seeing her son, and IMHO needs to be fully investigated before that is the outcome.
You said she is a drama queen. Is she a drug addict? Has she been in notoriously abusive relationships in the past? Is she an alcoholic?
Ummm, a month ago this BM wanted to sign over all rights to her son.
https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/15065507.aspx
Whatever happened with that ? Why is there any chance of cisitation if she just wants to give the kid up? I iz confuzzeled.
About a week after she said she wanted to give up parental rights, she called DH again and said that she said she didn't mean anything she said in their last conversation. She said it was just in the heat of the moment or something like that.
Right now, she gets SS for 3 weeks in the summer. DH asked her if they could change it because ss barely knows her and was concerned about him being gone that long. BM said yeah, I'll just take him fora week and then make up the other weeks throughout the year. DH said great, let's add it as a stipulation. BM emailed a little while after that, she said instead of 3 weeks throughout the year, she just wanted 3 weekends throughout the summer. DH said fine and now they're adding that as the stipulation. (They're adding the stipulation to the CO because they've tried agreemtns without involving the court and it hasn't worked in the past.)
So, DH is going to email her today and he'll ask questions to try to find out what's really going on. Thanks!
The reason that we're worried about how exactly to say things to her is because we want her to know that we're concerned about his safety, but we're not trying to keep her from seeing him. We were thinking that if this guy is as serious as she says, that maybe she could take ss out to lunch and then to the park on their weekend, instead of taking him to her apt and staying the night. Yes, it would be a shorter visit, but we have to think about the safety of ss. We're worried that she wil get defensive and say that we're just trying to keep him from her. Which we're not.
We don't have any family in town that she could stay with and we can't really afford to pay for a hotel, although that is a good idea.
I don't know if she's on drugs or how much she drinks. and we really don't know anything about her past relationships. We don't see or talk to her that often. How would we go about finding that out? Ask her if she's on drugs? I don't know how well that would go over.
She's just recently become a part of ss's life and until the end of last year, DH barely had any contact with her. So, we don't know what's going on in her life usually.
We might just need to talk to an attorney and find out what we should do.
I think an open converation is in order. By that your H should tell her just what you just said. I am concerned for SS's safety and would like to know the whole story. I want to make sure that he will be safe in your care, and if this stalker is a real threat. Then ask the questions that I posted above. Get the details.
At this point it sounds like you are dealing with a stranger. So, your H needs to communicate with her, to find out, to the best of his ability what is going on in her life. Has she visited SS at all in the past few years/months? When was the last time that she spent time with him?
I personally cannot imagine letting my child go with anyone who they had not met, even it is their parent. Especially if the parent/guardian does not know this person themselves.
Could you encourage her to come to your home for a visit? Or to stay at the home of one of DH's or her relatives? I would even go so far as to plan your "vacation" at BMs hometown, so that he can sleep with you at night while she visits during the day.
I know two people who were stalked. One was by an ex-bf (he actually wasn't threatening, but obviously could not let go and allow her to go on without him), the other by a co-worker. The co-worker was creepy, because he was obviously out of touch with reality. And the woman did nothing to encourage him - she was just one of few women at the company.