Telling DH

MissyC979 · May 2009

Em&Bee:
Obviously IF hasn't totally consumed our lives (ex. my husband tracking my cycle), we still have plenty of other things to keep our minds occupied. We've discussed what he can and can't take time off for and he has no desire to go to an u/s unless there's a heartbeat or something..........and here's another one for ya....he also has no desire to be in the room when I deliver either (gasp ! ! ! ). I think you're all being a little judgmental.

You're joking, right?

Temp785382312506150 · May 2009

Em&Bee:

Obviously IF hasn't totally consumed our lives (ex. my husband tracking my cycle), we still have plenty of other things to keep our minds occupied. We've discussed what he can and can't take time off for and he has no desire to go to an u/s unless there's a heartbeat or something..........and here's another one for ya....he also has no desire to be in the room when I deliver either (gasp ! ! ! ). I think you're all being a little judgmental.

Indifferent

Dvnah · May 2009

to each his own. so if you would rather wait until after your first us then go for it. however, i feel the same as the rest of the ladies here. i think it's cruel not to let your dh know before hand and not to invite him to the first u/s.

personally my dh didn't want to believe nor get his hopes up even after he saw that yellow line nor the plus sign on the 3rd stick. the look on his face and the tears falling from his eyes were absolutely priceless when he heard the baby's heartbeat.

in short, i recommend that you tell your husband sooner rather than later. since he's been involved with your TTC process, it's only right to have him involved with hearing his child's heartbeat.

mom2binKC · May 2009

Em&Bee:

We've discussed what he can and can't take time off for and he has no desire to go to an u/s unless there's a heartbeat or something..........and here's another one for ya....he also has no desire to be in the room when I deliver either (gasp ! ! ! ).

Well, we did get to see the HB on the first u/s--at 6 weeks. So DH definitely wanted to be there for that...it's was kind of a big deal to us. And the not wanting to be in the delivery room? Yeah, gasp. I am judging here, but that is unbelievable to me.

krissyh21 · May 2009

Em&Bee:
Obviously IF hasn't totally consumed our lives (ex. my husband tracking my cycle), we still have plenty of other things to keep our minds occupied. We've discussed what he can and can't take time off for and he has no desire to go to an u/s unless there's a heartbeat or something..........and here's another one for ya....he also has no desire to be in the room when I deliver either (gasp ! ! ! ). I think you're all being a little judgmental.

Newsflash for ya - there will be a heartbeat at your first u/s!

punkfiction · May 2009

she cannot be real. this thread is weird.

that is all.

easjer05 · May 2009

Em&Bee:
Obviously IF hasn't totally consumed our lives (ex. my husband tracking my cycle), we still have plenty of other things to keep our minds occupied. We've discussed what he can and can't take time off for and he has no desire to go to an u/s unless there's a heartbeat or something..........and here's another one for ya....he also has no desire to be in the room when I deliver either (gasp ! ! ! ). I think you're all being a little judgmental.

Well, your relationship is one I cannot possibly relate to in any way, shape or form.

Having been through several pregnancy losses, my husband couldn't be kept away from our first u/s and had there been no heartbeat, I would have desperately needed him there.

I cannot possibly understand how you could not tell him for weeks and not let him make the decision to be there or not. And if he really is that uninvested in your child, I do judge that. And yes, I do judge the way you are handling this, as I think it's a poor, poor decision.

But hey, if your relationship is that bizarre, then, well, good luck with this whole thing.

LadyHollywood · May 2009

Um......................... W-O-W.................

I can't.... I... Ok, there's just no words for this one ladies... I dunno..... Wow.

jonsdeedee · May 2009

Wow just wow. My DH was there for me emotionally if not physically for every bit of our IF journey. I could not have kept something as important as this from him for even a minute. He didn't go to every appt but for all the ultrasounds, IUIs, egg retrievals, embryo transfers he was there with me. Obviously , I don't understand your relationship with your DH but to not tell him is cruel. Even if all you see in the ultrasound is a speck, it is still your baby and to deny him the choice of seeing him or her with you for the first time is just cruel.

Em&Bee · May 2009

The heartbeat is typically around week 6. I don't recall giving you my u/s date.

Nicole731 · May 2009

Em&Bee:

Obviously IF hasn't totally consumed our lives (ex. my husband tracking my cycle), we still have plenty of other things to keep our minds occupied. We've discussed what he can and can't take time off for and he has no desire to go to an u/s unless there's a heartbeat or something..........and here's another one for ya....he also has no desire to be in the room when I deliver either (gasp ! ! ! ). I think you're all being a little judgmental.

So uhhh does he have any desire to be a father at all? Sounds like he doesn't want anything to do with your baby.

Em&Bee · May 2009

You people are just plain RUDE. If I've only known for 2-3 days, then I don't know where you're getting the "2 months to tell him" idea. You need to grow up.

LittleMamaB · May 2009

punkfiction:
she cannot be real. this thread is weird.
that is all.

This.

mom2binKC · May 2009

Well, at least the comment about him not wanting to be in the delivery room to support his laboring wife when his first child comes into this world has me convinced that he truly couldn't care less about not knowing about the pg for a few more weeks or seeing the first u/s. He sounds like a gem.

punkfiction · May 2009

Em&Bee:
You people are just plain RUDE. If I've only known for 2-3 days, then I don't know where you're getting the "2 months to tell him" idea. You need to grow up.

oh, sweet pea, you need to grow up and act like an adult in your marriage.

MissyC979 · May 2009

Em&Bee:
You people are just plain RUDE. If I've only known for 2-3 days, then I don't know where you're getting the "2 months to tell him" idea. You need to grow up.

Um, so why did you post this? What did you hope to get out of it???

jenna0627 · May 2009

Em&Bee:
You people are just plain RUDE. If I've only known for 2-3 days, then I don't know where you're getting the "2 months to tell him" idea. You need to grow up.

The reason people are being, "rude" is most times when trying to get pregnant we know 2-3 SECONDS before screaming to our DH/SO.

punkfiction · May 2009

MissyC979:
Em&Bee:
You people are just plain RUDE. If I've only known for 2-3 days, then I don't know where you're getting the "2 months to tell him" idea. You need to grow up.
Um, so why did you post this? What did you hope to get out of it???

here, ill give her what she wanted -

"omg that is such a cute idea!!! where did you get all of those onesies!?!? i wish i was as creative as you!"

easjer05 · May 2009

I haven't been rude at all, unless you consider sharing my opinion that this is completely bizarre rude.

But I suppose that shouldn't surprise me.

Bella263 · May 2009

I told DH right away, but we didn't go through the ups and downs of IV. Maybe this guy would be more devastated to know she miscarried early in pregnancy than not being told for a while, and he might be the kind that needs absolutes before he gets excited. I dunno, the delivery room thing is a whole other issue that makes it difficult to understand.

jonsdeedee · May 2009

jenna0627:
Em&Bee:
You people are just plain RUDE. If I've only known for 2-3 days, then I don't know where you're getting the "2 months to tell him" idea. You need to grow up.

The reason people are being, "rude" is most times when trying to get pregnant we know 2-3 SECONDS before screaming to our DH/SO.

Especially when trying to get pregnant for so long.

ilenegrace · May 2009

krissyh21:
Umm - this is his baby too. He has every right to know when you know. "Jinxing" or not.

Exactly! If the situation was reversed, would you want him to make you wait to find out? What if Father's day was months away?

Dvnah · May 2009

Em&Bee:

Obviously IF hasn't totally consumed our lives (ex. my husband tracking my cycle), we still have plenty of other things to keep our minds occupied. We've discussed what he can and can't take time off for and he has no desire to go to an u/s unless there's a heartbeat or something..........and here's another one for ya....he also has no desire to be in the room when I deliver either (gasp ! ! ! ). I think you're all being a little judgmental.

i didn't read this when i posted my response. all of i have to say is. WOW. i'm stopping here.

easjer05 · May 2009

Bella263:
I told DH right away, but we didn't go through the ups and downs of IV. Maybe this guy would be more devastated to know she miscarried early in pregnancy than not being told for a while, and he might be the kind that needs absolutes before he gets excited. I dunno, the delivery room thing is a whole other issue that makes it difficult to understand.

I cannot comprehend my husband not knowing about our miscarriages. I cannot comprehend how I would have survived without going insane if he hadn't been there to support me then.

My husband was plenty devastated by our losses, but I guarantee he'd rather go through that devastation than not know he was going to be a father. I'm sorry, this is just not normal.

deltagirl79 · May 2009

Em&Bee:
You people are just plain RUDE. If I've only known for 2-3 days, then I don't know where you're getting the "2 months to tell him" idea. You need to grow up.

I don't think anyone has been rude to you first of all. If you really feel like not telling him for 2-3 days or 2 weeks is okay then that's for you to know, but I'm going to disagree with you. I think your husband will be hurt if he doesn't know about your first appointment/ultrasound. Even if he can't be there he will want to know you are going.

Also, I'm sorry to say but if you have had trouble TTC what are you going to do if everything is not alright at the ultrasound? You will want to lean on him and that is not the time to tell him that you were pregnant and now your not IMO. He should know before so that he can be excited for the good before any bad may happen.

lisa5201 · May 2009

Well hm.... I am still in the TTC stage, so maybe I don't know, but.....

You obviously know your DH better than all of us, and I believe you when you say that he honestly won't be mad that you waited, but doesn't that hurt your feelings?

I would be pretty devastated if my DH was cool with me holding back for 2 months. I want him to want to know right away, and to be totally involved (he's a total gem, no complaints)

Not to make you feel bad, I'm sure your relationship works for you, but I would be heartbroken if my DH was so aloof about it, espec. considering it has been so long for you guys

GL

getnmarried910 · May 2009

Nicole731:
Em&Bee:

Obviously IF hasn't totally consumed our lives (ex. my husband tracking my cycle), we still have plenty of other things to keep our minds occupied. We've discussed what he can and can't take time off for and he has no desire to go to an u/s unless there's a heartbeat or something..........and here's another one for ya....he also has no desire to be in the room when I deliver either (gasp ! ! ! ). I think you're all being a little judgmental.

So uhhh does he have any desire to be a father at all? Sounds like he doesn't want anything to do with your baby.

My thoughts exactly. I hope this is MUD because if not, I don't see this marriage lasting.

sam19 · May 2009

So your husband didn't care to be involved in the TTC process, he wouldn't care to know that you are pregnant, he wouldn't care to see the first glimpse of his child, and he wouldn't care to see the birth of his first born? Are you sure this man wants to be a father?

ju.vanderw · May 2009

Do OB's do first u/s before 5-6 weeks anyway? I thought they can't see anything before then so they don't do one...

miss_beckman · May 2009

Em&Bee:
You people are just plain RUDE. If I've only known for 2-3 days, then I don't know where you're getting the "2 months to tell him" idea. You need to grow up.

ignoring everything else and doing a little math here...

you are 41/2 weeks now correct? (4 weeks to a month) Father's day is...about 3 weeks away making you 71/2 weeks gee almost 8 weeks pregnant. so 2 months...am I wrong??

Also- waiting that long to tell him after he's been waiting -to what some couples-seems like an eternity already!-I think you are going about it entirely the wrong way. Especially going through such an extensive process to TRY and have a kid, I think he'd want to know right away if his spermies actually stuck in there. Not wanting to be in the delivery room...hmmm this makes my brain start ticking... Did he want to go through the whole process in the first place or did you hold him at divorce point saying it's invf or Im gone?

I think Sh!t would change (His view point) on being in that room if he knew that there was something growing in your uterus. especially something belonging to him.

KatiKM · May 2009

Your amazing for not tell him already! I had planned to get a Lakers onsie for DH to tell him. But I was so shocked with my BFP that I ended up just busting in on him in the shower and forcing him to get out so he could see the stick.

punkfiction · May 2009

ju.vanderw:
Do OB's do first u/s before 5-6 weeks anyway? I thought they can't see anything before then so they don't do one...

yes. they do. my first was at 6 wks with dd1 - and we had a HB

epphd · May 2009

I am so confused - after more than three years of TTC with IF, and especially in dealing with IVF, DH knew more about my cycles than anyone other than me. He knew when my period should arrive, when I should test, and when to expect bloodwork. For IVF you have blood tests 10-12 times during a cycle - DH knew that results come back the same day. Does your DH, after all this time, really believe that they take a week?

I just don't buy that your DH could even BE in the dark.

Mine would have caught on the moment I put down coffee and wine.

Also, it was really handy that Dh knew I was pregnant when I screamed at him to take me to the ER at 6w when I had a threatened m/c.

You should do what you feel is right, but (a) there is no way I would do what you are planning to do and (b) I really doubt you'd be able to keep it a secret anyway.

(and pp, with IF most docs do u/s between 5-6 weeks. You can see a gestational sac and usually an embryo).

finally2006 · May 2009

I think it is up to you how and when you tell the news but your post makes me feel very lucky. I am not too far a along but I love my husband checking on me, talking about the baby and itching to tell his friends.

If he did not want to be in the delivery room, I would feel so alone. Labor has got to be one of the scariest, emotional experiences in a lifetime- how could your dh not want to be there for that? To hold your hand, listen to your complaints/frustrations (who else is going to do that)?

Your dh seems so incredibly uninterested in your baby. I worry about your lack of support and hope you have a great group of friends and family to lean on to get you through.

So good luck waiting to tell him, I hope he is happy. Take a friend to your appointment and hopefully someone will want to be with you when you deliver your child so you are not alone. I am sad for you.

emmyloustu · May 2009

We also struggled with IF for over 4 years and had multiple failed IVFs before we got pg and I cannot imagine for one second not having DH with me every single step of the way. The emotions we have both been through have been totally overwhelming - the day of our positive beta was one of the best days of our lives and we shared it TOGETHER.

The first few weeks of pregnancy are TOUGH and you are going to need and want his support. My Dh's protective mechanism totally kicked in and he has barely let me lift a finger since and I am so thankful for it because I just don't feel up to much.

Not to mention, the stress of the first few weeks can be overwhelming, (in any pg, but especially an IVF pg). I had bleeding at 5w and I was hysterical - I needed DH more than ever. Having him there holding my hand as we held our breath on the day of u/s was the only way I made it through that day...

He cried when we heard the hb - don't take these things away from your DH and don't underestimate how much you are going to need to lean on him in good and bad moments.

I seriously hope you reconsider. I know you are both scared, but getting through the anxiety together will be better than doing it alone...

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