advise dealing with pushy family members at hospital

JTracey · May 2009

I need some advise on dealing with pushy family members at the hospital after DD is born that is somewhat diplomatic as we'll still be related after this whole experience and I'd like to not have anyone royally ticked off at me...

DH and I have already decided that we will not be having anyone in the room during L&D. I have further asked for some privacy following L&D to bond w/DD and then be able to shower and freshen up before visitors arrive.

We have tried telling the family that we will call when we are ready to have them all up to visit (I thought point blank would be best) but they have indicated that they'll just "wait" in the lobby until we are ready. That's their nice way of saying that they are going to hang around the hospital and bug us and the staff until we grant them access.

I'm really not trying to be mean. I know that they are all excited. And I'm glad to have all of their love and support, but I'm a modest person by nature (which I know is going right out the window the moment I enter the hospital) who doesn't handle pain well, so I know that I will surely not be at my best. I also know that they aren't going to care what I look like as they'll be too busy cooing and ahhing over DD but I'd still like some privacy before needing to "entertain" both of our very large families.

madhatter2003 · May 2009

just tell the nurses. They won't let anyone in until YOU tell them you are ready. Not even if DH says you are ready...you are the patient, you have control.

ksayles · May 2009

Just let them know that you will want some alone time as a family to bond. I don't think they can be offended by that. Just let them know that they may be in the waiting room for a really long time.

Breezer80 · May 2009

I feel the same way. And I'm just going to put my foot down and let the staff and my DH deal with it. "She's not up for vistors yet" is what I am going to request for them to say. Believe me, I am certain that the L&D staff will have dealt with pushy visitors ALOT.

krstokes · May 2009

madhatter2003:
just tell the nurses. They won't let anyone in until YOU tell them you are ready. Not even if DH says you are ready...you are the patient, you have control.

This... the nurses are totally going to back you with your decision. Just make it known to them what your wishes are!

beccabec · May 2009

There are really two ways to deal with this. One, you just don't call them until you are ready. You have made it pretty clear to them up front so it shouldn't be a surprise. Two, you can just make the hospital the "bad guy". Let the staff not let them back anywhere near you until you are ready.

Good luck!

Jimsgirl5821 · May 2009

I totally understand and feel the same way. I am worried if I know they are in the waiting room I will feel guilty or pressured to hurry up with my bonding and cleaning up b/c I know they are waiting. We were thinking of not calling till she is born. We live an hour away so it will give us at least an hour alone, assuming they run out of the house right when we call

Or you can hope for a night birth when there is no visiting like I am

sxu0007 · May 2009

Don't call them til the baby is born.

MrsPreK · May 2009

As soon as the nurses see you in distress (or tell them beforehand your wishes) they have pp out of there asap.

mavilabride · May 2009

I would have DH call them either right after DD is born or right when you are going into labor. They don't need to know that you've actually been there all day.

As for bonding with DD, I ditto telling the nurses. If an hour is what you would like, then have them hold everyone off for an hour.

babyjoy09 · May 2009

Tell the nurses to keep them OUT! don't worry about their feelings so much you need time for yourself and your LO. You can also try calling them once you get home

TimsMayBride · May 2009

Perhaps it would help to say that upon the advice of your OB and/or pediatrician, it would be best to not have visitors during labor or within 1h after birth (or whatever your time frame), for reasons of not getting in the way of the docs/nurses, mother/infant bonding, etc. It doesn't have to be true, but passing the buck might make it an easier situation to deal with. If they want to wait in the lobby I guess you can't stop them, but if you tell them it's a mandate from the higher ups that there are no visitors, it's not on your shoulders to regulate traffic in your room.

ddnicole13 · May 2009

I have the same issue going on. How i'm handling -> I'm not calling them until AFTER the baby is born & I'm ready for their visit. There are several ppl who I know will do what they want & arrive even if I ask them not to (they've proved this in the past) so they are getting what they deserve in my mind. Tell your family what you want & that you'll call when you're ready for their visit. At least you've given them the heads up as to what to expect so they aren't shocked when you call a day later. YOU are the one going through hours of labor - you deserve to have what you want after. Bottom line.

LoveEeyore · May 2009

I emailed the family before DD was born asking for any new contact info b/c I was making a spreadsheet for DH to call everyone the second she was born. That way I wasn't asking them for permission, but assertively informing all that everyone would be notified upon birth. DH made all the long distance calls first and then called the locals. That gave me time to feel prepared. It will be the same with the twins.

Jamie Sonnenleiter · May 2009

Just make sure the nurses know of your wishes. The hospital HAS to follow them. I'm sure your gonna get some "it's about times" and some nasty looks and comments for the wait, but you did give them fair warning.

johnsoar · May 2009

First you don't have to call them when you go into labor. Just call when baby is born and then let them come up.

Also, tell the nurses how you feel and they will be the bad guys for you. Hospitals also have visiting hours and you can request that they be followed....maybe your hospital is but we have pretty much open hours even though there was set "visiting" hours.

ForForever · May 2009

Just wait to call them until you are ready for visitors. Don't even let them know when you are going to the hospital.

Not worth fighting with them over.

NDwife07 · May 2009

Ditto telling the nurses. Are you willing to meet them "halfway", meaning have them sit in the waiting room until your ready as long as they know that could be a looooong time?

My parents are aware that I might not want visitors that first day, even, depending on what time I actually deliver. I'm leaving it up to them to decide if they want to be left hanging for hours and hours in the hospital, or wait for a phone call from me. Either way, they're not coming in my room until I'm ready.

ddnicole13 · May 2009

ddnicole:

I have the same issue going on. How i'm handling -> I'm not calling them until AFTER the baby is born & I'm ready for their visit. There are several ppl who I know will do what they want & arrive even if I ask them not to (they've proved this in the past) so they are getting what they deserve in my mind. Tell your family what you want & that you'll call when you're ready for their visit. At least you've given them the heads up as to what to expect so they aren't shocked when you call a day later. YOU are the one going through hours of labor - you deserve to have what you want after. Bottom line.

In addition to the above, I'm afraid that my MIL will never leave once she is there!! She literally stayed with my SIL like 24x7 when she had her baby! I'm not even close with her so I'd like an hour or two visit at most for ONE day. I'm nervous about handling that situation. It can get ugly. My plan for now is for her to come at night & then I'll make sure the nurses know to kick her out after visiting hours (which aren't too enforced where I'm delivering).

afg · May 2009

You don't have to tell them that you're even in labor so they wouldn't even know to come to the hospital.

Tell them that they can just wait til you guys call or be waiting a loooooong time in the waiting room.

cathy_and_matt · May 2009

I feel the exact same way you do. I don't want to ruin anyone's excitement, especially since this is the first grandchild/nephew, but you have to look out for you and your baby first.

If you've told them your wishes, and they choose to blatently disregard them, then you're perfectly justified in just waiting to call them until you're ready (aka after birth/bonding/freshening up).

showcow · May 2009

I agree have the nurses help you. Or if you have a fairly level headed family member ask them to help you deal with them.

blairsgirl · May 2009

Don't call them until you are ready to receive guests. Wait until after the birth and after you have had your time with your new family. And also, tell the nurses. They are all used to dealing with pushy family members.

aroberts7106 · May 2009

I am going to be dealing with the same exact thing with my in-laws.....with the birth of my two nieces, they wanted to be notified as soon as SIL went into labor, they were in the L & D room with BIL and SIL until SIL started to be in real pain and started pushing...just sitting there staring at her while she was having contractions, "keeping her company." They then moved to the waiting room, and waited until the baby was born. They then went into the room as soon as the baby was washed up....not long after the birth. Following this, they continued to remain in the hospital every day, all day long, until SIL and BIL were discharged. Again, sitting there, staring, staking their claim on the baby (to make sure that SIL's family knew who loved the baby more), and "keeping company." AND then they followed them out of the hospital, to their house, and were there as soon as they got home. AND then expected to see them and the baby every day following that. I'm not exaggerating on any of this.

DH and I have already told them that unless I am in labor for hours and hours, bored out of my mind, we are not calling anyone to let them know we are at the hospital until the baby is born. I just don't want people in L & D with me watching me be in extreme pain. They will be in the waiting room until the baby is born...but then I think it is a losing battle after that. I don't know how to tell them I don't want them in my room with me all day every day....my only hope is this: with my two nieces, SIL didn't have a lot of family coming to visit in the hospital. So my in-laws were able to just sit there, and have it be just them. With this baby, my family WILL be coming to visit, so I am hoping that will encourage them to not be there as much....it would make for an awfully crowded room!

Once we get home though, I really want bonding time with the baby.....and they will be sorely mistaken if they think they will be visiting every day! Of course, hearing that they won't be called when I go into labor didn't sit too well with them...SIL actually said that she was offended by that. So we'lll see what happens....I just hope that I don't go into labor while we are with them somewhere!

JTracey · May 2009

Thanks. I think I'm going to leave at lot of it on the nurses /hospital staff. They have stressed that, this is what they are there for and that the health and comfort of baby and I come first. DH is also super supportive of this since this is our first and we have no idea what to expect. (If I feel great then by all means open the flood gates and let them all in!)

As for not calling to tell them until after, I've thought of this but don't think that it will work. Various family members have started calling daily to 'check' on me. If I don't anwser at home then they call my cell, and then DH. One family member didn't get an anwser and actually called the hospital to see if I've checked in yet. IF I'm MIA for too long I'm sure they will just show up to start waiting....

GL to all of you dealing with the same issues. I know how stressful it can be.

erino&chrish · May 2009

I feel your pain. I have the same situation. I told IL's gently that I wanted bonding time, to which they said they would just "be there to wait" and DH seconded their decision. I told DH that was not okay, would make me feel pressured and anxious, and I didn't want him feeling obligated to please them by running out with "updates" all the time. We agreed to disagree so they can sit on their arses out there as much as they want, but I'll be a b!tch and lay down the law with the nurses and won't let anyone in until I'm ready, if at all. I do the pregnancy, I push, I rip, I bleed....I DECIDE. I don't care what kind of a mess it creates.

ddnicole13 · May 2009

JTracey:

Thanks. I think I'm going to leave at lot of it on the nurses /hospital staff. They have stressed that, this is what they are there for and that the health and comfort of baby and I come first. DH is also super supportive of this since this is our first and we have no idea what to expect. (If I feel great then by all means open the flood gates and let them all in!)

As for not calling to tell them until after, I've thought of this but don't think that it will work. Various family members have started calling daily to 'check' on me. If I don't anwser at home then they call my cell, and then DH. One family member didn't get an anwser and actually called the hospital to see if I've checked in yet. IF I'm MIA for too long I'm sure they will just show up to start waiting....

GL to all of you dealing with the same issues. I know how stressful it can be.

I can't believe they called L&D!!! That is insane! Why must we deal with this? I can't stand it. I feel totally in control during labor (we can wait to call them) & when i get home (becuase I can just not answer the door) but it's those 2-3 days i'm in the hospital that have me stressing out... I think I might have to give specified times to visitors & then tell the nurses if anyone shows up during a time not indicated that they aren't welcome. That might work.

Jimsgirl5821 · May 2009

That is insane they called L&D. I wonder if you could have them not give out the info that you are there if you decide to not call until LO is born, this way no one lets the cat out of the bag to the rest of the family and they all show up?

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