- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
heathergirl67
member
Delayed Reaction
heathergirl67
member
I thought that I was taking my m/c especially well. I was disappointed and had cried a few tears at a few doctors appts, but I knew that was to be expected. Now it's been almost a week since my D&C and I think that it's just finally sinking in as reality. The only word for it: Ouch. It just hurts so badly! Not physically, that has been the easiest part. I think that before I saw it as the loss of a pregnancy, which was hard. Now I'm seeing it as the loss of my first child and it's devestating. It's the takes-your-breath-away, deep inside hurting. (Warning: After re-reading I realize that this next part is pretty sad, so don't read it if you're feeling fragile as well.)
Lately I've been crying for the baby I never got to meet. I don't know whether it was a boy or a girl, so I have to call my first child "it". It seems so de-humanizing. I just wish that I could have been able to hold it. I wish that I could have seen me and my DHs features in its sweet little face. I wish that I could have smelled its baby skin, squeezed its fat baby toes, and given its smooth baby belly raspberries. And even though I know it can't feel anything, I wonder where it is now. In a landfill? With other "medical waste"? Is it out in the cold? Was it thrown out like so much garbage? What kind of mother am I that it has taken me nearly a week to wonder about where my baby's body is? It was my job to protect it. I know that it was too little to be identified as a body if you saw it on the ground, but it was a person!! A small person is still a person! It had a brain and eyes and arms and legs. And a heartbeat. We saw its little heart beat. Until the last appointment where the tears streaming out of my husband's eyes told me that the line that should have been rising and falling rythmically was calm and still.
How could it be gone so fast?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Delayed Reaction
It's hard no matter when you grieve. I know for me personally the first few days were really hard and then it would get better for a few days but then I lost it again lost night. I think it's totally normal to go from okay to not okay at different times and on different days.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
We had 2 years of IF trying to conceive #2 and one loss during that time. We are currently trying for #3! had another loss the end of June
I am so, so sorry. This type of loss is incredibly difficult because it represents the loss of a future you would have had. I hate knowing that my husband and I will never meet the children we conceived, and that we'll never know what combination of "us" they would be.
My thoughts are with you.
I'm so so sorry for your loss. ?None of us should have to deal with this. ?
You are right that your baby was a person. ?He or she was lucky to be with you for the small amount of time.?
After losing Patrick, holding him, spending time with him, and feeling him take his last breaths, for the next two weeks, I really, truly thought I was fine.
At about the 2 week mark, things finally hit. I thought I was losing my mind.
Delayed reaction is totally normally. I think, sometimes, our brains try their best to protect us from the hurt. But eventually it finds its way in.... hang in there. It does get easier, though I know just how ridiculous that idea sounds right now.
i know its funny to think but i thought i was the only one who wonder/worried about where their baby ended up. maybe everyone thinks bout it but ur the first person i have seen on here talk about it.
this part may be TMI but my first mc was in the ER and it was gross after "it was done" they walked out with one of the little cups you pee in. i lost it how could something i love so much be in something you pee in! and i was mad that they didnt even try and hide it from me! they just walked out like it was no big thing. My second happened at home and was easier, not that anything bout a mc is easy but it didnt hurt as much and there wasnt as much blood. I was on the toilet and i was having horrible cramps and with one push i felt a pop and then all the pain was gone. I sat there for a good half a hour bc i couldnt bring myself to get up. I didnt wanna look, DH wouldnt, my best friend was there she went to but as soon as i leaned over she then changed her mind and said we better wait for my mom to get there. AND of course mom looked. i got up shut the toilet lid so i wouldnt have to see and we then headed to the er. when i got home i was heartbroken that my friend had flushed the toilet while we were gone. I couldnt bring myself to be mad at her bc she probably thought she was helping me and maybe in a way she was but on the other hand im not sure I still havnt been able to use the front bathroom....
i have a hard time with no knowing where they are i wish i knew so i could go visit them you know?
Your reaction is totally normal. There's no "right" way to grieve - and it's good that you're grieving. A loss like this is so tough. Reading your words was so helpful to me, so thank you. Hopefully you find comfort in them too. I know one of the reasons I elected to have a D&C, rather than miscarry naturally, is beause I couldn't handle 'disposing' of my child. While I do wonder where my baby physically is (I believe she is in heaven watching over DH & me), I am grateful that I didn't have to be the one to figure out the logistics of where she physically went. Everyone is different, and thinking and talking about these things is good. It helps us heal and grieve. Take your time and grieve as much as you need to. Some days will be easier, and some days might still be hard. As far as the gender, I decided my baby was a girl, so I wouldn't have to call her an "it." My decision is based solely on a dream I had the night before I POAS. The book "A Silent Sorrow" has a good, helpful section on gender and naming to help the grieving process.
My heart goes out to you, and I'm so, so sorry you are going through this.
Everything you're feeling is so, so normal. I think we all have many of those unanswered (and unanswerable) questions. I think it gets easier, but waves of emotions can hit at any time. I think this is something that sticks with you.
People keep telling me, "You can try again" or "You'll have a baby someday" etc. Okay, I hope that's true, but that doesn't really take away the pain of losing THIS baby. The baby I should've been bringing home in November. I need to mourn that baby and I will always miss that baby... wonder what s/he would've looked like, what his/her personality would've been like, etc. Those things will haunt me no matter how many other children I have "someday. "
I would never wish the pain of a miscarriage on anyone, but I really wish more people understood what this is like and that their comments aren't as helpful as they might think.