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It's with a heavy heart...
...that I write this post. Please forgive the "tone" of this email...I am in a serious funk and I'm tired of people telling me that I should have hope, to and be positive, and have we tried x, y, & z.
First, I want to thank you all for the support, love, and well wishes as my husband and I have struggled with trying for a 2nd baby. It really has meant the world to me. I appreciate being able to share our struggle with such a wonderful community of women.
Second, after 19 months of trying for a second baby (and 15 cycles and 1 m/c), we have thrown in the towel. Ryan will be an only child and I'm devastated. IVF is not an option for us because it's just not in our budget. And before anyone thinks or says "there is no price that can't be paid", there is. We just can't afford it...and there's no convincing DH that we should go that far into debt. Especially at my age...with no guarantees.
My heart is broken. I don't know how I can live the rest of my life wishing that we had a bigger family. Looking at my son and wishing that he had a brother or sister to play with...wondering how I"ll get through the "Mommy can I have a baby brother" phase.
Please don't say "be thankful for what you have" because I am. Trust me - I am VERY thankful. It's become very clear to me that Ryan is our miracle. And that I must have done something right at some point in my life to have him in our family.
I don't want to talk about this outside the nest....via email...via facebook...or in person. I'll say thank you now for the positive vibes, the nestie dust, and the virtual hugs. But I really can't handle "talking" about this right now.
Honestly, I'm sick to death of hearing: Relax....be positive...God provides. It's all BS. If that were true, I'd have what my heart desires...what my entire body aches for....what I've always wanted. But I don't. And I'm sick of praying about it....I'm sick of talking about it....and I'm sick of people feeling sorry for me.
Thanks for listening....again....I do appreciate all the love and support. I'm just a bitter old woman.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: It's with a heavy heart...
(((hugs)))
I am so sorry. You will be in my thoughts.
107 Read/listened to in 2011: 91 Books/16 Audiobooks
Read 2012: 33/50
One of the more poignant posts that I related to during our IF:
"the problem with infertility is that I am mourning children that do not exist
and I'm the only one who misses them."
Please let yourself mourn and don't make apologies for being sad or bitter or angry. It's a tremendous loss to come to that realization. I'm so sorry for your loss. Lots of love to you, my friend.
I am so sorry, I was really hoping things would work out for you. I won't say I know how you're feeling because you've had to face much more than I have in this journey. But sadly we have wound up in the same place and it sucks. They say misery loves company, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I am in a better place now though it has taken a while to get here. And I don't think I'll ever completely get over my desire for another child, the sadness comes back from time to time. But I think if anything it has changed my perspective and I appreciate my own miracle more than I may have otherwise.
I hope that you can also find some peace, and I am always available if you need to talk to, vent to, or cry with another "old broad". Take care of yourself and I wish you the best.
You're not bitter at all and, in fact, have every right to feel how you're feeling. I'll be thinking of you and sending you healing thoughts for your heart.
I know for me when I realized that I wasnt able to beat infertiltiy and I would never carry a child I grieved such a incredible loss...Somehow the loss of a dream hurts so very badly and it is so damn isolating...
I think you have to allow yourself the time and space to grieve that...because it is a so hard to grieve what never was....But I know I had to. We are here for you in any capacity we can be for you...Huge hugs D...
br
I'm really, really sorry.You are grieving the loss of a child right now, even if it hadn't been yet conceived and it's a sucky place to be in.
Hugs!
Photo by Zemya Photography
I will be thinking of you today. Sorry taht you have to go through this. Remember to let yourself mourn and be mad....you have the right!
I'm so sorry. It's just not fair.?
Huge hugs. I understand.
IF SUCKS!
I'm so, so sorry. My heart aches for you. I wish you the strength to make it through this. There's no doubt in my mind that you aren't appreciative for R, that you love him, that you wanted more for him. You're a great Mom.
I think Katie (K&C) put it best. Give yourself the time you need.
((hugs)) and lots of positive vibes and dust.
Fist of all ((((BIG HUG))))). Please know you aren't alone in your situation, there are many couples out there who are in your shoes and traveling the same road. That of course doesn't make it suck a$$ any less but at least you know somewhere someone understands what you feel right now. I hope you find someone who has been down this path and "gets it". I know that helped me as we tried to get pg with #1. I hope you somehow find peace with Ryan being an only child, and that you and your family can find strength to get through this together. Another (((((BUG HUG))))).
You're in my thoughts today. (((hugs)))
I'm so sorry : (