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Blended Families
Step vs Bio kids
I guess this is the correct subject line for this..By no means am I trying to make this be a flammable subject so I hope this comes out correctly.
DH and I will be starting to TTC this fall. I know I am putting the cart before the horse so to speak, as I am not even pregnant, but how accepting were your SK's to a new brother or sister? I know right now SD asks all the time when she will have a sister or brother. Its very sweet. I just haven't been healthy enough to carry a child and recently these issues are better, but we still need to wait a few months
.We were trying last year for about a year and no success. Anyways, I just wonder how accepting she really will be? For the longest time she was the only grandchild of my inlaws, now there are 4 and she hasn't accepted it to well that all the attention hasn't been on her that she has to share her toys/grandparents with the other kids. We only have SD 2 days a week due to my DH's crappy rotating 2nd shift schedule. I treat her like she is my own and have a great relationship with my SD. I just think about this stuff and hope that once it actually happens she will be happy and not feel left out. SD is 8 and will be at least 9 when we have our first child together. Thanks
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Re: Step vs Bio kids
I think that children handle new siblings very differently depending on their temperament.
But you asked about our SKs, my SS was very accepting. He was the only grandchild on both BM and DH's side before my DD was born, and he is soooooper spoiled by all the extended family. They both are now hehe. But i think at least part of the reason he handled it so well is because my DH and I, along with the extended family made him feel special and involved. And that started during my pregnancy, I would tell him about my doctors appointments and when we were going to see the baby. He was so excited for the 20 week ultrasound to find out if it was a brother or sister. He wanted a brother but when he told him it was a girl he said "yay!!" lol.
We played up the big brother role to him and talked about how important it is to be one. We got him a big brother shirt for him to wear when DD was born.
The one thing that my SS did have a hard time with was the I went into premature labor and was in the hospital for a week before DD was born. And DD was in the NICU for 1 month after borth. During the week that I was in the hospital, his normal schedule was disrupted. We didn't know when I would have to have an emergency c-section and DH was staying with me at the hospital. He did leave to take SS to dinner, but BM told my SS that he couldnt go to Daddy's house because he was working. She didn't want him to worry about me or the baby I guess. This upset my SS very much. DH had to explain to him that I was in the hospital and that I missed him very much. We resumed normal visitation as soon as I was out of the hospital.
Once DD was born SS was very excited to see her, but upset that he couldnt hold or feed her while she was in the NICU. He also did not get to spend a lot of time with her as its not a very child friendly environment lol.
Once DD came home it was a big adjustment for everyone. Me as a new mom, DH stepped up to the plate hardcore and was doing way more than normal to help me out. SS had some clinginess towards both me and DH, and some jealousy and regression, but that only lasted a few months. We did our best to reassure him and we gave him extra love an attention.
My Dad and SM had a child together when I was about 15/16. My younger sibs were 10 & 9. My SS was also 9. We were very accepting, even excited. We couldn't wait for the new baby. I think one of the things that put us at ease about getting a half- sib was that they let us be invovled. We helped pick out the crib, clothes, etc. We were all at the hospital during the birth (not in the room though). After my HB was born they let us help take care of him (changing diapers, feeding, helping w/ baths).
However, we come from a very large family ( I have tons of cousins) and so none of us have ever really been the center of attention ( it sounds like your SD is or has been). Except for me, b/c I was an only child for so long. It did take some time for me to adjust to having younger sibs. One of the ways my parents smooth that over was really letting me know that even though they had another child, I was still special. I was their 1st child and nothing could ever change that. I was also very invovled with preparing for my bio-sibs arrivals.
So I think if you really invovle her an let her know she's not being replaced, she should be fine. Especially considering she's been asking for a sib. GL w/ TTC and Congrats in advance.
Thank you ladies... One more thing and this may be totally flammable, please don't jump on me for this one.
I am trying to come up with the correct words, but I guess the only way to say it is I have a tiny part of me thinking this "every parents first child is special". I just hope that everything will be just as exciting for him as it will be for me. Since this will be my first and his second. Too often I have read posts like this. I am not saying he will love our future children any less at all. I love SD like she is my own.
I have told DH how I feel and he said yes it will be different, but in a good way, this one will be planned. His daughter was a one night stand. I know you have to keep the older sibling involved and thats a good idea,take her shopping once we are pregnant,make her feel involved.
Since we tried for a year without success,my dr said we will have to start fertility treatments when we decided to do this again. SD wants to have twin brothers/sisters. Its cute.
I am one week out of back surgery, but I am doing great and should be able to try again in sept/oct
Men react to pregnancy differently than women do. We are more aware of the changes going on in our bodies and they just dont experience it at the same level. So no, I don't think that it will be just as exciting for him as it is for you. Also, you don't know what he was like for the pregnancy of his first child so you shouldn't compare the two.
Many men don't start to act excited until you get your big preggo belly. Some don't get excited until the baby is here. My DH was happy, but he didn't get excited at the early ultrasounds. He wasn't really into going to the doctor appointments, it made him uncomfortable esp when they did the trasnvag u/s haha. So I didn't really care if he went with me to the appointments. He was really excited at the 20 week u/s but he wasn't REALLY into it my pregnancy until I was showing.
Thank you for the wonderful advice. DH is a great dad to his DD and I know he will be to our future children.
I have no right to compare, but I couldn't help thinking about it..
dsd and ds are ten years apart but still inseparable. lol! ds just worships her and followers her around. he sits on her bed and stares at her while she does her homework and she lets him "hang out" with her friends when she has slumber parties. they are totally and completely in love.
that being said, dsd was PISSED when she found out that i was pregnant. we have always gotten along very well and i love her to death but she was very upset about having to share her daddy and was anxious about her daddy having a kid that he sees more often than he sees her. once the baby actually came, she was fine...but it was hairy there for a while.
In our situation my SD kept asking for a sibling. We married when she was 8 and the baby was born when she was 11, she is 13 now. Initially when we told her she was very excited! She started reading to the baby every night (started when I was about 3 months along). She seemed to be excited and happy but her teacher told us that she had mentioned that she felt like she was being replaced. This comment was made after we found out we were having a girl. Keep in mind that my SD has always lived with us so she was use to being the only kid in the house. DH and I reassured her that the baby is an addition to the family not a replacement and that there is a lot of love to give, enough for everyone.
We did things to show her that she is special and always will be. The thing is, you have to continue to spend one on one time with your SD after the baby is born. There were several times that my mom came over to keep the baby while SD and I went shopping or to lunch or something like that, just the two of us, and DH took her on Daddy daughter dates, just the two of them. Now that DD is older, we still do these things. We make time to take SD out alone one on one and we do stuff that is appropriate for her age. We also give her the option of doing "baby stuff" with us and DD like watching Playhouse Disney or going to one of DD's friends birthday parties. We never require her to do anything for the baby, it is always an option, and she is always happy to help out with her sister. The two of them have a ball playing together.
She is well adjusted! She loves her sister and her sister loves her. So, just make sure that you all make time for her and not get to busy with the baby, it will be fine!
That's the same age my SS was at when we got pregnant (8) and had our son (9- by a week!).
I thin the best thing to do, is go with your best instinct to amke her feel a part of the whole thing. My SS *loved* looking at baby name books with me; he and I would spend an hour at a time together sitting in this chair that we have (it was big enough to fit the two of us that the time, LOL) just flipped through and being silly about it... like, "How about Hubert Lastname?" and we'd laugh, or he would want to be the one to put a mark next to the ones DH & I liked. There were lots of other things we included him on, too.
And what I have found works well is justing remaining constant with her about her importance to you both, about her ties to a new baby, and let them be simply siblings... I wouldn't even preface thei relationship as "half siblings"... my SS and my son consider each other brothers, because they are, and there's no need for formalities that would weaken their bond like, "half", even if it's what they are.
You'll be fine, she'll be fine... there's always an adjustment, but preparation will make the transition easier.