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Blended Families
Phantomgirl
member
Spin off post - Resentments
Phantomgirl
member
Can anyone on this board, including the regulars, say that they have NO resentments where their SK's, BM or EX's and partners are concerned. I personally think that blended families are a breeding ground for resentments, how you handle that depends on the type of person you are.
Personally this has been a huge challenge for me, but I have never resented SS. My resentment/frustration has always been directed at SO. His lack of boundaries with BM in the beginning, his laid back attitude in regards to spending time/bonding with SS, his forking out money on request to ?keep the peace?, his allowing/expecting me to take care of SS. These are all things that took time and effort to work through to get to where we are today.
Currently we are at a place where I have very little to complain about, yet admittingly (sp?) I can still get a pang of resentment especially if something props up on my weekend, but realistically I am a not married never had kids 30 year old who enjoys her weekends. What I believe qualifies me to be in this relationship is that in over two years together I have never said no to doing my part on these weekends, basically my resentment takes second seat to my assumed responsibilities.
If my resentments ever overshadow or interfere with my treatment or responsibility to SS I know I do not belong in this relationship.
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Re: Spin off post - Resentments
I am in a really good place right now with regards to my little blended family. We're on year #3 now though and I have heard that the first 2 years are the hardest.
I don't think I have ever resented my SS. I just keep in the very front of my mind that he is a child, and nothing that goes on is in anyway his fault. It helps that he is a very sweet little boy that I love very much and we have a pretty good relationship.
I have had loads of resentment towards DH and BM in the process. At DH for rolling over and never standing up to BM. At DH for choosing to fight with me over fighting with her. At DH for providing me little to no direction at being a parent to SS or what he expected of me in my role as a SM.
Most of my resentment towards BM is in regards to her insecurity about me. She limits, and DH doesn't fight her, my involvement in anything outside of my own home. I cannot attend school functions like Open House let alone sit in on a conference. Not that I ever brought up going to a parent teacher conference (pipe dream), but I did want to go to Open House to meet the teacher and get an idea what the school year would be like.
I had this little fantasy that BM DH and I could all talk and help each other parent SS. I would have liked BM to be able to talk to me and tell me things about SS that I may need to know. Like the fact that he is allergic to all types of laundry detergent and I need to use 1/2 and use the extra rinse so that he doesn't get a rash. Yep I was doing my SS's laundry for 3 years before my DH mentioned something about it and he thought I knew! Yes I just sucked that information out of his brain one day.
I could understand her behavior if I was on overdrive trying to act like SS's mom. But I have always been very respectful of her role. I buy her mother's day cards every year, I help SS make little things for his mom. I remind SS to take his corrected homework home in case his mom wants to see it (I have no idea if she does, but I would want to see it.)
Ah well, sorry that turned into such a long reply, lol.
Well see, there you go. Any lurker would pick up on the resentment. But since they aren't a regular, or even a regular lurker, they probably wouldn't pick up on exactly who you resent.
I do think it's odd that so many of you resent your SO. I mean if he's a putz who doesn't have the first clue on how to take care of his kids or enables them to the point that it makes your life miserable and effects the health and welfare of the kids, what's the attraction? Why are you with him? I don't get it.
But I do get resenting the other parent, especially when the kids are suffering from his/her stupidity. In those cases, your spouse can only do so much and it hurts to think that because of the other parent's issues, the child you love doesn't get all that they deserve or to watch your spouse struggle to deal on behalf of that child.
I don't resent the douche. He just annoys the living piss out of me most of the time.
Click me, click me!
I have my resentments.
I resent the fact that I will likely have less children because DH already has one.
I resent SD because our lives would be so much different (easier) if so much money in child support wasn't going out every month and we didn't have to worry about dealing with her mother. Really, it isn't about her so much. I love her, but resent what she represents and what she brings with her. And NO that doesn't mean I think we shouldn't have to pay child support. I would never be with a man who shirked his financial responsibilities. But yeah, now and again the thought crosses my mind that it would be nice to pay off some credit cards or fix things in the house - things we can't afford to do right now.
I resent DH for thinking with his little brain and not protecting himself.
*sigh*
But I do not dwell on these feelings because they don't do anyone any good. I love my DH and SD and do not regret my choice to become a family with them. I would NEVER admit these feelings to either of them.
I can't help having those feelings, but I put on my big girls panties and just deal because this is the life I chose and I honestly wouldn't give them them up for the world.
This - in the bold type. I couldn't have said it better, Hind. I LOVE my DH - love him with all my heart! He's an awesome man/father and I don't resent him at all. I'm not going to punish him or make him feel bad for thinking he knew everything at 18yrs old and marrying this woman. Many of us have been there and at one point, we thought we "loved" or maybe we really did "love" the person that absolutely drives us freaking bonkers now. (ahem...BM)
In our case, yes, I resent BM and so does DH - we are limited in what we can do for the boys being as far as we are and to see them suffer because of her selfishness and her drive to constantly harass DH and try to make things miserable for him, is really annoying at a minimum. It hurts ME to see DH hurting for his boys and to see the damage she has done and continues to do to the boys. But I wouldn't change being married to DH - he and I have had this conversation before. There is no one I'd rather be with - do I wish BM was different and she didn't do most of things she does? Of course - but that's her and we deal with her when we have to - SHE is not who my DH is - they are polar opposites. I feel bad for BM and the kind of person she is and I feel very sorry for the boys and the things they are missing out on - the things they are being lied to about everyday - the situations BM involves them in, etc.
I do think it's odd that so many of you resent your SO. I mean if he's a putz who doesn't have the first clue on how to take care of his kids or enables them to the point that it makes your life miserable and effects the health and welfare of the kids, what's the attraction? Why are you with him? I don't get it.
Who said any of those things? Or are you talking about other posts on the board and not replies to this one
For me personally, I don't have resentment towards my DH but yes, I've had some irritation towards him at times. There have been times when I don't feel he's stood up to BM. There have been situations where he's let her have her way and it's interfered with our family. I always tell him how I feel and he usually sees my side and we take care of things together. If DH was a terrible father or constantly give in to BM I wouldn't have married him. I don't think anyone can know what to expect in a blended family until you are in one. I know I certainly didn't know what to expect. My therapist said it takes a minimum of 5 years to really "blend" and that we shouldn't consider ourselves a family of six but two families of three. I thought that was an interesting statement. What do you guys think?
None of the above - BUT I do agree with Hind.
My main resentment was when BM would call at totally inappropriate times, like when were eating dinner, watching a DVD etc., just to fill SO in on her sick aunt or something that did not involve SS. Then I would get mad at him for entertaining it. BM was jealous and trying to assert herself BUT he did not have to allow it to happen and HE was choosing to be in a relationship with me. I told him I was not comfortable with it (after many rants on BF) and he spoke to her. Now they discuss SS at PU/DO or she calls if something important comes up. It took a lot of unanswered calls and 'reminding' her that he did not want to know for her to get it. I would not have continued the relationship if he had not been willing to put up these boundaries as it would have made my life miserable.
This - in the bold type. I couldn't have said it better, Hind. I LOVE my DH - love him with all my heart! He's an awesome man/father and I don't resent him at all. I'm not going to punish him or make him feel bad for thinking he knew everything at 18yrs old and marrying this woman. Many of us have been there and at one point, we thought we "loved" or maybe we really did "love" the person that absolutely drives us freaking bonkers now. (ahem...BM) - Serendipity - Thank you for posting this.
Yes I'm sure we all wish we could have met a Rocket Scientist, a guy who was perfect even at the age of 20 (my DH) - who knew exactly what to do when the baby came, who never does anything to piss us off, who doesn't have father guilt, who always does the right thing etc... so I guess because he's not like this I need to kick him to the curb.
Goodness, my DH can be a putz (as I'm sure I have been) but he has come a long way, for the better.
Exactly Flo. My DH may not have handled everything perfectly all the time, but neither have I. The important part is that we were able to work through and deal with things together. I would certainly never say that he wasn't a good father or husband. He is in fact an amazing father and husband. I'm not sure what or who Hindsight was referring to there (could just be a generalization) but then again I must skip a lot of the posts where women thing their DHs are putzes and bad fathers.
Many posters want to use this board as a place to vent their frustrations so that they don't go home and take it out on their DHs. It doesn't mean they hate their lives or their SKs. Lurkers probably aren't aware of that, which is understandable. I think regular posters should try to keep it in mind more.
At least two of you said you did resent your SO's.
I guess I wonder how you made it through that point.
Maybe it's because I'm on the opposite side of the fence but I don't see how you can meet a man whom you feel enables his ex, doesn't parent well or plays funtime weekend dad, or some of the other things some of you mentioned resenting your SO's for and decide there is a relationship to be had there.
I'm glad many of you seemed to have worked through those resentments. But for me, those would have been deal breakers.
Click me, click me!
Kyah, this is what you said:
I have had loads of resentment towards DH and BM in the process. At DH for rolling over and never standing up to BM. At DH for choosing to fight with me over fighting with her. At DH for providing me little to no direction at being a parent to SS or what he expected of me in my role as a SM.
I'm not trying to insult you or your DH. But I wouldn't consider this a catch. I'd indeed consider any man who pulled this kind of crap on me to be a putz who wasn't ready for a new relationship.
Click me, click me!
This.
In the beginning, I would get angry and resent the BM for being able to have a say in what we do/don't do. And I'm sure she resents me for making S/O stand up to her and now she doesn't get her way all the time. I also think this emotion is a natural thing. And with time those feelings of resentment will fade. The thing that bothered me about the OP (the one who doesn't get on BF very often) was that she made it seem like a negative thing. I'm sure at somepoint we can all say we have resented our SK's even if it was just for a day, but in the end we still love them, so - so what? I think most of us are mature enough to recognize that emotion when we are feeling it and to know it is irrational & we don't act on. Acting on a feeling of resentment is totally different than having that feeling.
I have lurked on this board for a very long time. I am the BM and my FI will be the SD and I wanted to make sure that I handled that situation right. I will say that I have felt that some of the posters resent their SK's and resent the fact that their husbands had this life before them.
I believe that all of you truly want what is best for your SK's but I do sometimes get the impression that you wish they didn't exist.
I have always felt that when any poster is blaming their SK's they really should be blaming the parents but I don't always see that. I believe that most problems with kids come from how they are being raised and you can't just expect a child to know how to do something if they have never been taught by mommy or daddy.
I really like this board, it has helped a lot in how my FI and I handle my daughter and issue that arise with her.
Oh, so you were referring to my post (among others). I had a hunch, but I didn't want to make any false assumptions.
I had (past tense) resentment towards DH in the process of becoming a blended family. I usually offer my experience up for insight to people who are in the earlier stages of their relationships going through the same kind of things. You know, trying to be supportive. I think its normal and natural to have feelings of resentment in blended situations, there are so many factors that make it a complicated situation.
You really don't see me do a lot of complaining or venting on this board because for the most part we've ironed out all the wrinkles. I think that its a giant leap to look at only 1 tiny aspect of a relationship that someone is talking about and assume that they are a putz who isn't ready for a new relationship. Since I am not seeking advice on my marriage, it's not really necessary for me to list all of the qualities that make my DH a catch or justify why I married him. It's pretty obvious that he is worth it to me.
I think mainly they wish the drama didn't exsist. Not the kid themselves. Plus alot of women use this board to vent, i.e letting out frustration - not that they are blaming their SK's for anything.
Hind, if you really want to understand, I will try to explain.
For us to have worked through it, if I had an issue with something that was happening, I would bring it up to him. We would discuss it, sometimes at great length, and come to a mutual understating or compromise. And vice versa. Just like any other issue in a marriage, its how you deal with problems that matters.
I guess I should have phrased it differently.
Not how you did it.
But how you decided it was worth working through.
I never would have entered into a relationship with a man whose parenting or relationship with his ex I resented.
Click me, click me!
I haven't posted or lurked here in a long time, but for some reason I decided to stop by today.
I have a SD (age 7) and have been married for almost 3 years (we've been together for over 5 years).
Yes, I have resentment. Most of the resentment is towards BM. I resent that we have to pay her CS every month. Maybe that makes me sounds like a b!tch, but I don't care. We should NOT have to pay her. She lives in a two-income home just like we do and we have joint custody (SD is with us exactly 50% of the time). Plus, we cover SD's health insurance and 1/2 the daycare costs. BM does NOT need CS.
I'm not saying that DH shouldn't support his child. He DOES support her. Up until SD was 4 years old, DH paid for all daycare costs. (BM was supposed to pay half, but never did.... long story.) Plus, since SD is with us 50% of the time, we provide clothing, toys, food, etc. at our house for her. I do NOT feel like we should have to provide those at BM's house, too.
So, the majority of my resentment is towards the financial aspect. And I get more resentful everytime BM sends SD to school in crappy clothes. She should be using CS to buy her daughter some decent clothes.
I don't really resent my SD because none of this is her fault, but I do feel like if we didn't have SD, we'd have our own baby by now. But, since we have SD, we aren't financially ready for a baby.
My DH, I don't really resent either. I do get a little ticked when he accomodates BM just to "keep the peace." But, those times are (thankfully) few and far between. And I resent that DH and I sometimes argue about SD and BM.
I think sometimes people who aren't step-parents get the idea that SMs resent the BM and SKs because they were there first. Not me. My SD made my DH the loving man he is today. However, I still wish BM would drop off the face of the earth. LOL.
I think mainly they wish the drama didn't exsist. Not the kid themselves. Plus alot of women use this board to vent, i.e letting out frustration - not that they are blaming their SK's for anything.
Mckelvykr- I get that most of you wish the drama didn't exist but that isn't how it always comes across.
I have read so many post with the SM complaining about child support, not wanting their SK's around with they have their baby and how bad and disrepectful their SK's are but I hardly ever see the husbands being blamed for this.
Like I said I have lurked on the board for a long time and know the stories for most of the regulars but if you are an outsider and only look at this board occasionally you would have the same impression.
I don't resent his parenting or his relationship with his ex. I resented the way that he dealt with her on some issues. They have a pretty civil if not quite friendly relationship now and I think that is great.
I have known my DH for 15 years. We dated as teens and it didn't work out due to our immaturity at the time. We remained good friends, I have known BM and SS for 8+ years now. No, I was not the reason that DH and BM split up because I know that assumption will jump out there :P I can't speak as to why other women who don't have such a history with their DHs would choose to stay but I don't need to judge that either.
I have never resented my SS, his Mom, or my DH. I wouldn't have married my DH if I ever felt that this would be an issue.
Some of you would have to agree though, that this board has seen it fair share of bashing the bio parent, not wanting a SS or SD to be at home when a new baby is brought home, complaining about C.S. and parenting time, etc.
There are many times on this board, that a regular poster will say something that is negative, and people will support/encourage/agree with what they are saying vs. telling them that they are in the wrong. IMHO, this board tends to sugar coat many of their responses.
There are some amazing Step Parents on this board, but there jare many that can be the poster child for the stereo type of the evil Step Mom.
I have read so many post with the SM complaining about child support, not wanting their SK's around with they have their baby and how bad and disrepectful their SK's are but I hardly ever see the husbands being blamed for this.
My SD can be a little disrespectful at times (overall, she's a great kid) and I have noticed a correlation between her additude and her weekends with BM.
BM has a very mean-spirited sense of humor. BM thinks its funny to tease SD, laugh at her when she trips, make rude jokes about my DH, etc. So, when SD has been at BM's house for the weekend, when she comes back, she tends to have a bad additude. And I know its a direct result of BM.
I see how my DH parents so, I know he's NOT the one to blame, especially when my SD hasn't even been in our home for the weekend.
FWIW, I haven't posted her a while, so I haven't read the posts about people complaining about their SKs.
Also, I will always complain about CS. The system is messed up.
BM has a very mean-spirited sense of humor. BM thinks its funny to tease SD, laugh at her when she trips, make rude jokes about my DH, etc. So, when SD has been at BM's house for the weekend, when she comes back, she tends to have a bad additude. And I know its a direct result of BM.
I am not saying that your husband in particular is not doing his job as a parent but I have seen many post where SM's complain about their SK's behavior and when asked what their DH is doing about it, they admit he isn't doing anything to support them. That is a DH problem but instead of putting some of the blame for this child's behavior on their husbands, some SM's have put all the blame on their SK's.
Also, I will always complain about CS. The system is messed up.
I really try to stay out of these child support debates because most opinions are made depending on where you are on this issue; i.e. are you the one receiving or paying.
I will agree that the system is messed up but it is messed up on both sides of the aisle. My daughter's BD is supposed to pay $467/month but hasn't paid a single dime in almost 3 years. I am fully responsible for all her care and he could care less about her.
If your DH feels that he shouldn't have to pay any support because him and BM share custody then take it back to court.
I have waited to chime in on this conversation, because I really wanted to think about things.
I don't resent anyone in particular, even though I complain about BM and SS. I also see the situation for what it is.
What I do resent is the system. The system that fails to enforce CS when people are deadbeats and don't pay. The system that will set CS so unreasonably high that the ones paying struggle to just get by. Or so horribly low that the custodial parent cannot support their child. I resent that the system does not enforce CO's, whether it be visitation guidelines, CS, or any other areas that are written in there. I resent the system for being so F-ed up that it creates more turmoil/drama/contention in many cases than is neccesary.
In my particular situation I resent the system for allowing BM to be douchey and get away with horrible things. She is crazy, and crazy don't change, but the court should be able to enforce what it ordered, instead of ignoring it.