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Success after IF
I'm feeling replaceable
SIL came into town yesterday and this will be her first time seeing the babies. I KNOW she's excited and means well but I'm feeling completely replaceable. She comes in and immediately "takes over" without asking me/us if we need/want help. She changed the babies diapers and fed them (DH did prepare the bottles) but how did she know I didn't want to do in? In fact, I did want to do it and was really upset that I didn't have the chance to feed one of my babies. Then, after feeding, she is sprawled on the couch with one of the babies while DH is holding the other. Um, ok. Not only is there no place for me to sit but I don't even get to cuddle with one of my babies? I put away laundry, prepared bottles, cleaned, took out the trash, all sorts of other stuff all while trying not to cry. She is here for a week and plans on coming over and pretty much spending all day here until she leaves. We don't "not get along" but we aren't buddy buddy either and I really don't feel comfortable around her and now after seeing her behavior last night know that I'm going to be miserable all week. To top it off I didn't feel well last night and DH thinks I was grumpy to his sister. I almost feel like I could disappear for the week and as long as they have enough milk for the babies nobody would miss me. I still want to cry about it. 
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Re: I'm feeling replaceable
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
I totally sympathize! At 13 months (yep, really), MIL pushed me out of the way to give Kira a bath and I came *super* close to crying since I'd never not given DD her bath before. I ended up saying something.
See how it goes in the morning, and assuming nothing has changed, hopefully you'll be able to suggest some specific things that she can do, so at least it's you calling the shots?
I'm so sorry!
Our Thanksgiving Day baby 11/22/07
Pregnant with #2 with LPD, uterine polyp/hysteroscopy, DOR (AMH = 0.17), 2 c/ps
Our early Christmas present 12/9/10
As usual, I totall agree with LucyP. And fwiw, you're the mommy and I promise you that they know that, even at this young age.
I'm sorry you feel that way. I agree with everybody. But maybe you should take advantage? I mean, make a spa appointment or something. This is not your time to become cinderella. When it's feeding time, go tell your DH to take out the trash or do the dishes and YOU feed the other baby. This may be her time to visit, and to help out (even if she steps on toes a little) but you don't need to let anybody walk all over you. You are the MOM, and as we all found out growing up, MOMS make the rules. (Just don't mention that to the DADS!)
Step in and make yourself heard. I know the feeling you're having. It's valid. Don't let it overtake you. You need to jump back into the group and be part of it, even if you're not buddy-buddy with her.
:::delurking::: I just wanted to chime in, because I've recently been the SIL in this scenario and thought I might offer another perspective.
My SIL recently had her third son, and I've had many opportunities to be there to help out. It's usually been my perception that whenever I do things for the baby, it's a huge help to a mom who is delighted to have the time to get other things done. There are times though, that she wants to do for Jude, and we've developed a system where she simply stands in front of me and holds out her arms for him. I know I'll get another opportunity because I'm the one they frequently hand him to when they need their hands free.
If I ever thought that I WASN'T helping with this, I'd be horrified and want to rectify the situation ASAP. I'd be willing to bet that your SIL would hand over the kid in a minute if you smiled and said, "I love that you're so willing to help with the babies, but is it okay if I hold them for awhile? You've been such a help that I'm starting to miss holding them!"
That way it's not that you don't trust her, or that she's doing something wrong, just you expressing a desire to hold/feed/diaper your baby.
HTH
:::relurking:::
Two Mc Peas In a Pod
Kayla's Grace
I'm sorry
that was EXACTLY what my MIL was like...well still is.
constantly grabbing babies from me, feeding them, holding them while i did laundry, dishes, took dogs out, etc..
it irked me so much, i would cry about it too
i wanted nothing but binding/cuddle time with my boys especially when they had just come home from the hospital.
nowadays she's the same...still grabbing babies, if one of them fusses at all, she wants to be the first to pick them up even though i feel that its my job, she wants to push the stroller when we are out, even when we are going two different places..she will just walk away with my babies...drives me CRAZY
i feel for you lady, at least she doesn't live in town...?
Joey, Ronnie, and Audrey,
my awesome IUI 30 week twins, and my surprise miracle
LOVE my SAIF ladies
I'm so sorry. I will never understand why people don't ask first. I can't even imagine barging into someone's house and taking their baby without asking if they needed/wanted help. It's just so rude!! (And notice how her "help" doesn't include doing the laundry ... imagine how much more grateful you would be if someone would do that to give you some extra time with your kids.) I hope the rest of the week passes quickly for you.
Oh, and p.s. You can't possibly be replaceable--you're their mom!!
I am thankful every day for my miracle after infertility.
And thrilled to be pregnant again after FET!
If she's making you feel this way, you should say something. She's probably just a very excited aunt who thinks she's helping.
I honestly felt completely the opposite when people came to stay/visit/help. I was so excited to get a little break and do something non-baby. I remember getting so excited to clean the bathroom once when my mil was visiting. Those babies are a little too young to let you know, but they know exactly who you are and no matter how much attention they get from doting family members, your face is the first thing they want to see! They love you.
My SIL just arrived yesterday for a week long visit. She is so excited to see DD that I just decided to let her have as many snuggles as she can get. So while they snuggled on the couch, I decided I had some free time, so I baked bread. And it was wonderful, getting uninterrupted kitchen time while watching DD snuggle with her aunt.
I just try and remember that I had some awesome aunts, uncles, grandparents, and I want that special relationship for my DD, regardless of how I feel about the relative.
However, I can understand your frustration. Just remember, she'll be gone in a week.
I am in total agreement with meepit. I imagine your SIL does not intend to 'take over' and in fact she thinks she is being a help, as well as bonding with her niece and nephew. I think a simple solution (one i use with my ILs and even my parents) is to simply to go her, take the baby she has and smile at her and say, I miss my baby! I'll give him/her back to you soon!
Works for me, and I really think that Kristin is on to something... Maybe take even a 20 min shower (remember those!) I likely would not want to leave the house if I were in your shoes, but a mini break, like a shower, or a moment to paint my toenails or eat lunch might be a wonderful little treat for you, while making your husband feel that you are not upset with his sister, merely missing your baby. I think it is hard for one who is not the Mom (and especially an IF mom) to understand that we physically MISS our little ones, and that we are used to feeling them move inside us and when they are born, we crave that closeness. Just act on it, and I think you will come to appreciate the brief respite she can provide, without resenting the time away from the babies she is currently representing. Does that make sense??
oh and btw, don't people understand that when they come visit a new Mom who is tired, busy, overwhelmed and hormonal, THEY should do some household chores and let mom bond with said babies?? I mean, come on!?
I agree with meetpit and skoorb -- I think this is her way of trying to help. If DH has one baby and SIL has the other maybe you could take the baby from DH too? He can just as easily get up and do other things as you can and then SIL gets some time helping too.
I KNOW it's hard. My Mom and Dad were here for 5 weeks when the babies were born. I rarely napped or anything and I wanted to be next to the twins always. BUT when I did nap I felt like a million bucks. Those babies know your are their Mommy and they love you, you never have to worry about that. I know it's hard but many MoM's will tell you to accept any help you can get. It doesn't mean SIL gets them every feeding -- but can you take advantage to take a long shower? Eat lunch? Do you have any pets that haven't been snuggled/walked/played with since the twins came home? Do you need a quick trip to the store to get anything? SHORT little activities will do wonders to boost your energy, I promise.
I know it's hard -- I'm sorry....just try to remember SIL is trying to help, and DH can give up "his" baby to you too. HUGS!!!