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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
Pissed at DH! I need HONEST opinions!
Our DS is 19 months old and does not talk, not even one word. All he does is babble and he will say DaDa but that is it. He is very smart and knows what he wants and knows what certain words are if we say them. We try to help him to talk all the time but nothing comes out. A few months ago we took DS to a Neurologist because he was doing these weird movements like twitches almost. The Neurologist said that if he wasn't talking by 18 months it may be good to get him some early intervention. My DH was at this appointment with us. Fast forward to Monday, My son had a doctor appointment which neither DH nor I could make so my parents took DS since they watch him everyday. My parents told the doctor that he wasn't talking yet or saying anything, not even MaMa. I brought this concern up to his doctor a while back and the other day he suggested to my parents that we seek an evaluation. The doctor is convinced there is nothing wrong with DS but suggested it was a good idea to just be sure.
I told DH this the other day and he just kind of shrugged it off. I was able to get an appointment for an evaluation at the end of the month which I have to leave work early for. I called DH to tell him thinking since he is the father and all that he would want to be there. When I go to tell him he literally raised his voice at me and said "He is 19 months and doesn't need an evaluation!" and he hung up on me. I am so pissed and now I don't know if I made a mistake and if I should cancel the appointment. I truly believe in my heart that DS is just slow and that he will talk eventually but I do have a part of me that is worried and wants some confirmation that DS is fine. I want honest opinions please on what you all think I should do. My DH isn't very "involved" in DS's life anyway so that is why this pisses me off even more.
I called DH back just to see what his problem was and he said it was fine and that I should just do what I want with DH. I then said to him "So does that mean you just won't be involved?" and he said yes. I'm sorry but how can I call him a father if he won't even be involved in this! I need to know if I am in the wrong here.
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Re: Pissed at DH! I need HONEST opinions!
I hear you on this one. Not to psycho-analyze your H but it sounds to me like he is just lashing out b/c he is worried on some level. I think he would rather deny than possibly get an answer he doesn't want to hear. I would definitely talk this out with him b/c his behavior was VERY childish.
My DH has done the same thing at times.
Oh and FWIW, my sister didn't really talk until she was 2 and she is perfectly normal.
The fact that DS knows what you are saying to him is a great thing!
This is exactly what I had thought to! Men react differently than us women. He might be worried and in a way in denial. I wouldn't be pissed at him because of this. Also just because he doesn't show up to the eval doesn't mean he's an uncaring father. My DS goes to physical therapy for torticollis, has been for over a year now. My DH did not go to our first appointment, he went to 1 appointment with me, and 1 alone with DS because I had pink eye. I would not for one minute think my DH was less of a father because he didn't come with me. You do what you have to for your son. Hopefully the eval will show that he's normal and if not you'll do therapy to get him help. But don't be pissed at your DH, life is too short.
I want to preface my response with I have a sister with Developmental Disabilities and have had a lifetime of contact with families dealing with them.
Not to say that your DS will have one just saying that when you are faced with something not "normal" like not having any words at 19 months it is HARD!!!. And not all parents take it well. It does not make him uncaring for not wanting to go to the appointment. He is most likely afraid that something will be wrong. I cannot imagine what parents go through when they are faced with this fact. But I have seen first hand that some parents adjust and some dont.
I would take DS to the evaluation alone. You don't have any idea what they will say or why this is going on. Only time will tell. But first and for most your priority should be getting DS evaluated. If it were my DH I would be understanding not pissed. Men more than women don't handle the stress of "what did I do to cause this" well. If that makes sense. Go to the appointment and go from there. DH may come around by the time of the appointment and want to be there.
I agree with PP's that it sounds like your DH's reaction is fueled by fear. Keep the appointment... Going for an evaluation isn't going to create a problem that's not already there, and it will be better in the long run to catch it early if there is a problem. Talk to your DH about it again when you're both calm, and remember to approach with a nonconfrontational attitude. GL!
Today my boys had their second eval for EI and they qualify due to their communication skills. My DH was the same way. He felt like it was a bad thing that the boys needed some extra help. We had a long talk and I explained that it was great for the boys and it would get them ahead....
Another reason my DH was concerned was b/c of money. He didn't realize that Early Intervention is free.
Good luck
I thought exactly what other posters did. And in my observations, men want to "fix" problems in general. And when they think it's their child that needs to be "fixed" and they can't do it, it's frustrating. Just like when our DS is sick, DH is frustrated because he can't do anything to help him and I just deal with it and get through it. And when I have a problem at work and I want to vent about it, DH wants to tell me how to fix the problem, when I just want him to listen.
Men and women are wired differently and this is his way of coping with what he is afraid might happen.
And FWIW, I have a coworker with a 3 year old son who doesn't say anything, just points. He started with mama and dada and then stopped saying even that. In the past year he he's started saying the beginnings of words, but can't get out the ends. And he's starting to finally get the second parts of some words out. So even if speech is VERY delayed, like my coworker's son, it can still happen.
I agree with everyone as far as to why your DH is acting like this. But I think you are completely justified in being angry. Just b/c he's scared of what "might be" doesn't mean he should get to hide from it. It won't go away because he's scared. Your DC can't just walk away from this so why should his father. And why should you be the one who has to bear the burden alone?
DD had to have some testing done when she was 6mth and I know how hard it is wondering about the unknown. But I had to tell myself that no matter how scary the outcome could be I had to face it because it was not going to go away just by wishing. And that if there was something wrong I'd be grateful to find out early so we could move as quickly as possible.
I know my DH's biggest fear is something being wrong w/Harmon. He would fight this as well. I know when I had IF I was really struggling and DH was like... what is the hurry? I don't believe anything is wrong! So I went on my own and after a month into it he got into it. Now he is an IF champion.
I dunno if this will help you, but what we are doing, b/c Harm is lagging, is making these papers w/pictures 1/2 page pictures: me, DH, grandma, dog, etc. And we are working with him in the evenings. This might be something your DH is more willing to do.
I am actually worried about this part. Your DH isn't really involved in your son's life?
I think you have other issues to work on, IMHO.
Ok...take a deep breath. Let's not blow this out of proportion and say that he isn't a father (or isn't a good one) because he didn't react the way you wanted on this issue.
DS only says dada. He started babbling at around 8 months and then stopped completely. I called an setup an EI evaluation and my dh acted very similarly to yours. He acted defensive, and as if he didn't agree that ds might have an issue. I tried to act very calm about it and told him, "Look, I'm not worried about a speech delay. I think our child is very bright. I am concerned that he might not be reaching his speech milestones in a timely manner and I think it might be helpful to have an outside professional let us know if that concern is even valid." I setup the eval, I took off work, I drove the hour to the eval center and I listed to dh say "I told you so" when they told me he didn't have a delay. Did I get upset? No. Because this entire time my dh is freaked out about the whole thing and doesn't know how to express himself. He told me after it was all over (they made us have ds's hearing checked too) that he had been lying awake at night trying to image what ds's life would be like if they confirmed had issues with hearing.
I don't think it's necessary for your dh to be involved with the evaluation. It's a short procedure where they put him on the floor to play and they ask you a bunch of questions and then send you home 20 minutes later. If you qualify, and he isn't supportive at that point, then I'd be pissed. For now, I'd cut him some slack and figure he's just worried about ds and would rather bury his head in the sand than deal with a potential issue head-on.
ETA: I posted my response without reading the others. I just went back and read those too. Apparently the way my dh and your dh reacted is very common. Men deal with issues in such stranges ways sometimes.
Even if your DS is fine it's not going to to hurt to get him an evaluation. I'm sure your DH is just worried and that's how some guys show they are worried, by shutting us wonderful wives out!
My cousin's DD wasn't walking at 16 months old so they ended up taking her to physical therapy. There was nothing wrong with her, she was just stubborn!
They may be able to give you some tips and hints to help your DS start talking more, he may just be able to get what he wants and needs without verballizing so that may be why he's not talking yet.
Either way, like I said, it won't hurt to get evaluated. As for your DH, that's a tough one. He probably doesn't want to talk about it if he's worried or scared but he may be more willing to get more involved if you get exercises or ways to help your DS talk.
Good luck
Yes your DS needs an evaluation. Even if you feel there is nothing wrong, he should be evaluated. The therapist will help teach him to talk and help you to teach DS to talk.
Your DH is definitly wrong by hanging up and getting mad. But do not make him feel like he needs to be at the evaluation. 1 parent is definitly enough for the evaluation.
my ds is 22 months and has about 8-9 words and has been in EI since 8 months. First for gross motor delays, and now for speach.
How in the world could you possibly think you are in the wrong?? You are hurt by the immature behavior of your DH and concerned about your son.
Even if it turns out that EI is not necessary in the long run, it cannot hurt to have at least looked into it. Why would you turn down potential help for your son. You are probably right, your DS will speak in his own time, but you should definitely get more opinions. It can't hurt.
Regardless of if your DS is advanced, slow, or anything in between, your DH needs to learn that he is a FATHER. That comes w/ responsibilities like involvement, attention, time, energy. These years are going to fly by and some day he will regret missing out on this special time w/ his DS. Good luck w/ everything.
I have a couple of thoughts for you.
First off, you're probably right, and DS is just taking his time getting to the talking phase. This is *very* individual, really varies greatly by kid. That said, though, if your doctor recognized some other signs, it certainly doesn't hurt to get it checked out, early intervention as he called it.
Also, I agree with the first poster - is it possible your DH is just a little freaked about the whole thing and this is his way of dealing with it? (Not to excuse him, but might help you to understand a little better.) Talk to DH with it, but not until you cool down.
My sister didn't talk until she was almost 2 1/2.
She hasn't shut up since.
And I agree that your husband is worried and probably a little in denial.
He is probably just upset thinking there might be something wrong.
EI is free so take advantage if you are offered the services. We go to EI here and they help us with Lucy because of her vision. its a really great program.
Also our coordinator said that since shes working on walking more, her speech will probably slow down because of her brain only working on one thing at a time.
Keep the appointment, go for the re-issurance, and let us know in the end.
FWIW, my DH isn't that involved either so I know what its like. Mainly school right now gets put in front of EVERYTHING else in life, which really pisses me off, but I feel your pain.